Confusion about bisexuality

[greenteaman87]

Hello, I am dating a bisexual girl and am having some difficulties understanding some of the concepts of bisexuality. Now I don't think she will cheat on me, she is a wonderful partner but I just feel strange about everything. I am accepting of it although I myself am not. We talk about having sex with girls together which is really hot and she wants to very badly from what I can tell. She goes to school 150 miles away and we see each other every other weekend or if we feel like going broke many weekends in a row. As a guy, of course I want to have a threesome. Thats such a great fantasy to fulfill. But at the same time I feel like I am cheating on her if I did this. I am very much in love with her and would eventually marry her i believe 100%. So the thought of me having sex with another girl is both hot and horrifying at the same time. I mean if she likes it I guess its okay. But I just feel like if she ever went off and had sex with a girl without me that THAT would not be okay. I mean, I can't go off and have sex with a guy because I am not bisexual. She fulfills all my needs (even ones that guys can also fulfill) so I don't have any desire or need to go out and find someone. But the thought of her getting pleasured by another person, male or female, without me around just makes me upset. Now again I don't think she will go and do any of this stuff but the suspicion is always there. If it were to happen it wouldn't be such a huge shock to my system so to speak. Why date me if you are just going to go have sex with another person? It sounds like you are either using me for the relationship and security or the other person for the sex. Either way it seems you are using someone and that seems messed up to me.

She said to me in my attempt to understand in a conversation which she mostly replied in "I dunno" and "I guess" that there are things the other sex cant provide. Like a guy cant get fucked in the ass by a girl, she has boobs and its not the same. I don't see why not. Strap ons, fingers, ect. It just sounds like an excuse to go and have sex with other people while in a committed relationship. And if you are doing that whats the difference between having sex with other girls if you are straight? Why is it okay for a bisexual person to cheat but not a straight one? It sounds like to me that a bisexual person doesnt look for their other half when they go into a relationship, but their 1/3.

Some guidance please?

[Long Duck Dong]

ok, its not ok to go cheat, but people will justify it regardless....... so thats a moot point..... and its not a bisexual only trait..... it happens with all sexualities...

now put aside your feelings about how people can fuck and using what.... and think about why people get into bed with other people......

for many bisexuals its not just sex, it can be more.... bisexuals are drawn to the aspects of both genders, the touch, the feel, the smell, the emotions we feel and they share with us and vice versa.......

now for some honest, cold and blunt advice.... dude, if you hate the idea of anybody else pleasing your partner....find a virgin that is strictly monogamous......

the thing is for a lot of bisexuals, its about being bisexual, not putting on a show for our partners..... and you seem to have no issues with getting two ladies to fuck, but have issues with the fact that your partner is expressing her own bisexual nature in a very private, personal and intimate manner......

bisexuality is not about getting laid, its about juggling sexual attraction and desire and bisexuals want and need understanding partners, bi, straight, gay, hetero, trans etc.... as for bisexuals it can be a rough road for us at times

it sounds like she has put a offer on the table that you are eager to take up... ( 3 somes ) yet if she has some 1 on 1 fun with another lady, its cheating....... so I am curious, is sticking your dick in another lady, not cheating..... I mean seriously, one partner and casual sex within woman, is ok in your eyes, unless its not you doing it.......

most bisexuals would perfer a relationship where we can be bisexual, trusted and respected, without having to lie and cheat on our partners.... many of us have relationships like that, with some restrictions and we enjoy our partners all the more for it......

now sit down with your partner and talk with them, not to them or at them.... they are having trouble expressing themselves about what they want and that is common in bisexuals, we find it very hard to be walking a tight rope ourselves cos its not all fun and games.....

bisexuals like me, would love a monogamous relationship without the attraction and desire for the same gender being like a itch that is hard to stratch...... some of us can do it too...... but its hard on us.....

and there are some of us that can not function in monogamous relationships and need the open relationship style thing... as being in a monogamous relationship causes us to implode and meltdown, ending the relationship......

you and her need to talk, she needs to say if she is monogamous or open natured with relationships.... and then you need to say yes or not to your ability to handle a open relationship.... then you both go from there and work out working and balanced terms for the relationship that benefit both people.....

or you can just say, * I get extra pussy, you get no one on one female time cos I do not like cheating *.... and you may will find out the truth.... single people do not have to worry about cheating, they do not have a partner that is gonna cheat on them.....

dude, you have a dream relationship.... compromise.... or end up dreaming about the relationship you once had....

[greenteaman87]

Thank you, I appreciate your advise.

You took what i said out of context. "now for some honest, cold and blunt advice.... dude, if you hate the idea of anybody else pleasing your partner....find a virgin that is strictly monogamous...... " I do not understand the virgin comment since I understand that people have previous sexual partners. That is such an obvious thing to state it is making me feel right off the bat you are being spiteful.

You said "it sounds like she has put a offer on the table that you are eager to take up... ( 3 somes ) yet if she has some 1 on 1 fun with another lady, its cheating....... so I am curious, is sticking your dick in another lady, not cheating..... I mean seriously, one partner and casual sex within woman, is ok in your eyes, unless its not you doing it......."

I already stated "As a guy, of course I want to have a threesome. Thats such a great fantasy to fulfill. But at the same time I feel like I am cheating on her if I did this." So the answer you are looking for is in the original statement.

Yes I do feel sticking my dick into another girl would be cheating. Very much so. But I don't see why if I decide to become bisexual that sticking my dick in a guy one on one isn't cheating. Because she is bisexual she can go and have sex with a girl and that is not cheating? Can you explain that to me? It seems the only difference is the justification that one is bi. And one's mindset should not be an excuse for ones actions. The facts are that sex is being had by someone not ones partner. How can one find true happiness in being with someone who you cannot fully understand an aspect of them or be able to fulfill their needs on a certain level? Is this not true for all people who feel the bisexual urge? They will never achieve that sense of peace because they will always be wanting more? I find other women attractive but that does not ever mean I will have sex with them or that they turn me on. Why is this not true for people of bisexual nature? Why must they and can they act on their urges but it's not okay for straights to act on their urges?

And again with your statement "or you can just say, * I get extra pussy, you get no one on one female time cos I do not like cheating *.... and you may will find out the truth.... single people do not have to worry about cheating, they do not have a partner that is gonna cheat on them....."

Why do bisexual people get a free pass for sex with other people but straight people dont? because of the gender? again, if I go fuck guys that means I can go have all the sex I want and it is okay? It seems that bisexuality is just another term for open relationship if this is the case.


And while it may be viewed as a dream relationship, not all of us are built the same. I want someone to go on this adventure called life with, someone that knows me inside and out and vise versa. Someone to mother my children eventually and support me when I'm in my worst place. Someone to explore new places and sit around with doing nothing. I want her and I to feel and share all of this stuff together. I want to get stranded on a desert island with nobody but her and that would be a paradise to me. How can I get that if while I'm sitting at home, doing school work, working, watching a movie she is off having sex with another person? Why would one person be able to have sex with multiple people but another can't just because they arent bisexual? I just don't understand! That is not fair by any means

[DuckiesDarling]

Who says bi's get a free pass to cheating? Go through some of the older posts on this board. I'm a straight female, my partner is a male who just happens to be bi. We are monogamous because that's our choice.

There are several different types of relationships and the parameters defining said relationship and monogamy. Why is it cheating when she's on her own but not when she's with you and someone else? What is the difference in that it is another girl and not another guy? It's not about bisexuality vs heterosexuality it's about not being clear where you are now in the relationship and what kind of limits you BOTH are comfortable staying inside.

Communication is the key and I am here to tell you that this is the first time I've been involved with a bisexual, but if he cheated on me it sure wouldn't be the first time I've been cheated on. Think about that, it's not bi vs straight it's monogamous vs open. Major difference in the thought processes there.

[greenteaman87]

Thank you that made more sense to me.

[Long Duck Dong]

here is the thing...... most bisexuals do not think that being bisexual is a instant key to extra fucking...... learn more about bisexuals and bisexuality and you will see that there are many bisexuals that believe in love, respect and caring for a partner in a relationship and compromise..... and we do distance ourselves from the bisexuals that support the free sex and fucking, with or without your partners consent and knowledge.....but we are still all bisexuals.....

the bisexual community is a mixture of monogamous / open and poly people that are monogamous, single, partnered, swingers, cruisers, etc etc....but we all generally share one thing in common, a attraction to both genders

as for the cheating aspect, the cheating exists in your mind based around your understanding of relationships.... some of us will agree with your stance, others will not, some will argue and some will attack you and abuse you...... at the end of the day, its your perception of cheating v's her perception of cheating......

she is bisexual, you are not, neither of you can change that fact.... but its a case of can you both work together to find a common grounds that may be unequal in some areas but equal in others...... or if you both can not compromise at all......

I want the adventure too, I want the desert island, i want to walk naked thru the main street in town covered in green paint and a pink g string, eating a big mac, smoking a joint and with a bottle of whiskey around my neck with my partner sucking my cock....... sadly I can not do all of that.... but having my partner means compromise.... and my partner means more to me than casual sex........
however, she never pressured me to make a choice, I made the choice to be monogamous..... and not to walk thru town naked...... etc etc..... and that is why we are so strong and loyal ........ I was given the freedom to find my common ground and then she took the time to accept it.........

you need to do the same, find your common ground, let her find her common ground... then both talk...... without judging bisexuals or bisexuality.... many of us are not the way the mainstream protrays us

[Diva667]

:bigrin:

Welcome to the site!



If she has an attraction to members of the same sex it is no different than having an attraction to members of the opposite sex. The attraction may be different, but the fact that there is attraction is the same.

If your relationship is structured as a monogamous one then any sex outside the relationship is cheating. For either partner regardless of sexuality.

If you have a non-monogamous relationship, it would then depend on the relationship between the two of you and any agreements you might have in place.

There are several variants of non-monogamy, possibly as many as there are people who are non-monogamous.

For example: I know of a woman who has a husband, a dominant male lover, a trans woman lover, and a girlfriend she shares with her Dom. Her husband also has a girlfriend. Her lovers all know her husband and each other. The nature of her relationship allows her to have other relationships. She is honest with each about the nature of the relationship.
Most people in these types of relationships do not expect their lovers to fulfill all their needs.

Communication is key whether you are in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship. If you can't communicate, or are blocking communication, then your relationship is going to be a struggle.

In other words you need to talk to her, find out what she needs in a relationship and tell her what you need and desire in a relationship. Fidelity is such a key issue to most people that it should be one of the first things we discuss.

Is it possible to have a relationship where you only have sex with outsiders when together? Yes.

Is it possible to have a relationship where you both have lovers? Yes

The choices are yours to make. It is up to the two of you to make them.

[kitten]

I agree with Diva.

I am a married, bisexual woman. My husband is straight, yet, he has other sexual desires and fetishes. He was the one that went outside of our marriage commitment. He was the one to help me understand my bisexuality.

We learned through his indescretion to communicate better and to open up about our sexual preferences and desires. We experienced an open relationship for awhile and grew even more together as a couple.
In the back of my mind there will always be a bit of doubt about his honesty because he cheated but there are other aspects of our relationship that are good enough to balance it all out.

At this point in our life together, he is critically ill and our sex lives are at a standstill. However, the love, compassion and time we spend together is satisfying in its own right.

We have been married for 30 years and there have been many ups and downs. But there would have been no matter what. That is just life.

Best wishes to you and I think you have made great strides by seeking information and understanding. Each of you need to try and give your relationship 100/100% not just 50/50. That is what we try to do and it makes a difference.

Hugs!

[kitten]

I also agree with LDD's last post. He is a wise man and has helped me in many ways by his ability to look at situations from many perspectives.
Thanks LDD!

[Long Duck Dong]

non practicing bi ??? is there such a thing.....

I am a bisexual male that is not sexually active as my partner is not in my bed at the moment...... and I have no interest in sharing my bed with others or sharing their beds..... so I am a non sexually active bi male......

that is no different to a virgin bisexual or a bisexual whose sex life is finished but not their attraction to both genders..... and nor is it different to any person that is not sexually active..... their sexuality is part of who they are, not who they are sleeping with at the time

[greenteaman87]

thanks again for all your perspectives! its helped a lot : )

[bigbadmax]

Hi gt, welcome to the madhouse.

I fully applaud your values. The only advice I can offer is to talk to your partner...this situation is obviously worrying you and therefore needs to be dispelled asap.

You obviously have your own moral compass, use it as your guide and dont let anyone force you to change, as you are the only one who can and should control its content.

I am bi, but will only play if my partner(if in a relationship) allows me to. I'm monogamous not polyamourous.