Bisexuality: Why so complicated

[Plumhead2]

I am a fairly newbie here, so please excuse my innocent questions.

After reading posts here, I seem to find that bisexuality is very complicated. If you are a bisexual guy, some people say that you should come out to your wife/gf (if you have one). Why? I have a gf (a fiancee, actually). I am committed to her. Now if I do have a sexual attraction to a cock, why should I tell her? I am committed to her and so I feel like I shouldn't act on my attraction to a cock. Isn't it like if you were a heterosexual in a relationship with an skinny woman yet found yourself attracted to overweight women, if you acted out on your attraction it would be called cheating.

Or,

Is it that we are so boxed in by society's norms, that the healthy exercise of our sexuality is thwarted? Should we rebel and work out an arrangement with our significant other and be able to enjoy the variety of sexual pleasures with other people we are attracted to? Should we be able to explore all sides of our sexuality?

Being part of the mainstream seems so easy in comparison. The rules are straightforward (pun intended) and if you violate them, the consequences (if you are caught) are clear. Move away from the mainstream, for instance being a bisexual, and it seems we have to make up our own rules and stumble upon the consequences. Advice here in this forum is incredibly helpful, but there is so much variance in the suggestions. It is almost as if each one of us develops his/her own personal code.

Anyone else unsettled by the complications of bisexual life?

[Realist]

Personally, I'm not one to give too much advice. You should determine what is best for your particular situation. However, I know the pain caused by cheating.

Ask yourself, "How would she feel if she knew?" or, "How would I feel is I found out she was cheating on me?"

I just replied to the posting: "Married...a while, then decided I was bi" My feelings were the same as I'd give you.

I cannot condemn, or ridicule you; I only hope your actions do not lead to heartbreak for you, or yours.

[darkeyes]

Bisexuality isn't that complicated.. no sexuality is.. what is complicated is how interact with other human beings, and most complicated of all, how we interact and deal with the ones we love most.. :)

[ErosUrge]

I found a need to post my own thoughts/feelings to your thread. First of all, this is what I find so fascinating about bisexuality; that there are various facets to how people approach it and feel about it both from those who are bi and those who are not. It can be complicated but at the same time very simple.

As far as your particular situation goes, I or anyone else cannot tell you how to be with it. Only you can determine what is best for you. I can however tell you from my own experience what has happened to me with similar situations.

Before my second marriage, my fiance and I had talked about the fact that I had been bisexual...and, at that time I thought that with her, I was ready to move on and let go of all those desires. However, just 2 months after agreeing to marry I had a certain male who was in constant pursuit of me. Eventually I caved in to my desire for him. After it was all over, I felt nothing but guilt. I could never bring myself to tell my fiance as I knew this would more than likely shatter our agreement to marry. So I felt it was a one time thing and would never happen again. After we married and only 3 months into the marriage, I could not help the desires I had for wanting sex with males again. I did just that and it continued during our entire marriage.

What so many people don't accept and can't understand is that it is possible to be absolutely in love with someone but also have desires for sex only as was/is the case with me. I was only playing with men and never with women because I have never had emotional attachments to males; only sex.

Still my feeling is that it isn't a good idea to be committed to someone and them not knowing about such activities when they're believing that you're the one and only person for them. It's a bit of a deceit really and I found myself in denial about it. I struggled with it the entire time we were together and every time I had the desire to be with men I had this battle going on inside but would still act out. And every time I acted out, I felt nothing but guilt and condemned myself for being bi. It was a miserable existence. After 3 years, we divorced and not because she knew I was bi but because of my indulgences, I was not a very giving person when she needed me.

Now, I'm not saying your situation would be or is the same, but what I am saying is that I feel it's wrong if your significant other assumes that you're only being with them sexually and have no other outside your relationship. In time this can cause all sorts of complications. One of you or both of you eventually will be miserable because of the falsehood of it. Sure, it's easy to say "I'm only interested in a cock" and nothing else and I do get that. But not when the significant other has no clue and they assume you're devoted only to them.

From my experience with that failed marriage, it took me a few more years to accept that I am bi and the sort of bi person who does love deeply that person/woman that I am with. And I've also accepted that it's okay to be sexual with others if I am honest and open to the person that I love....there are women out there that will accept this about their men if they know. Some of course will not and that's okay too; not everyone is willing or capable of this kind of situation. But these things are possible.

In my last relationship, I made it very clear from the beginning with the woman I was involved with that I was bi. And though she tried to accept it, she eventually decided she couldn't do it. Again, that is just fine. Surely I would have preferred if she had. But I accepted this from her as I realized that I am who I am and she was who she was. And though others might say if I really loved someone, I would just simply let go of sex with others. It's a judgment that is always made. I've learned that it's not their place to make those decisions for me. What works for some people doesn't work for everyone and it's a bit irritating for them to assume that. You'll find there are those who feel that their situations in a totally monogamous relationship are superior to what I'm stating here. That unfortunately is part and parcel to living this way as a bi person.

Essentially what I'm saying is that in the long run it's much better to be open and honest about it than to hide it. And by doing so, your significant other just might want to participate and be a part of it with you from time to time. You can avoid a lot of pain and heartache for yourself or for her by being open and honest. Hiding is never good. I wish you the best.

[Long Duck Dong]

ok... lol, I am known in the forums as a bisexual that is supportive of open / poly relationships and monogamous relationships.... tho I myself, am monogamous by nature.....

to me, a partner has the right of choice, in the same way we have a right of choice..... and that comes from the fact that we share our lives with a person that we profess to love, respect and care about........yet by our own actions and deeds, we can enforce that.... or prove that they are our partner until we desire sex with others, in which case, our partners take a back seat......

now I apply the same rule of thumb to both partners, not just the bi male...... but if you look thru the forums, you do notice that its more bi males that are posting about telling their wives or not, to cheat or not, to be monogamous or not...... not bi females, so it makes you wonder if bi females are more open with their partners.......

so for me bisexual life is not complicated...... its how tangled the web we make our lives, that is the complicated part.... and in a sense, lesbians, gays and heteros have the same issues, in a different form.......

[djones]

In my own experience, I would say that I agree that being in a committed relationship and not acting on same sex desires is no different than not acting on opposite sex desires (now that I am single again - ready to act on ALL desires !). For the 15 years I was married, I never felt the need to disclose my Bisexual nature as I had no intention, or need, to seek out men.

Where things might seem complicated is that there are many degrees, if you will, to bisexuality. Many people need to act on same sex and opposite sex desires or they are not fulfilled.

The thing is to know where you fall along the scale, understand your own nature, and be comfortable with who you are.

Not all of us are alike, but none of us are alone.

[Loveinlife]

I think that regardless of what you think relationships are or should be, honesty is the most important thing. A relationship can be anything you want it to be if you and partner can reach an agreement through communication. Problems don't tend to plague relationships until the people involved are each trying to make something else of the same situation (lies destroy relationships). I would love to have a polygamous relationship with my girlfriend but she has made it extremely clear that she is not ok with that, so I have to find ways to satisfy my desires for men and other women without cheating on her. More to the point though, this thread started with a question about why bisexuals seem to complicate their situation by creating a new set of rules and separating themselves. There a lot of opinions on this subject, but I personally like feeling as though I'm part of a community rather than just a guy who happens to like men and women.

[nightjack]

To me the sexuality side of my personality is not that complicated. I am attracted to both women and men, however more often than not I prefer to be in a relationship with a woman. Regarding the relationship side of things, for me monogamy is my choice. So from that I will stay with the partner in whom I am having a relationship with exclusively. There are frustrations, agreed. I have times when I desire a man but as I am currently married that will just be a desire. Should my relationship status change, then my choices are opened up to me.

[Plumhead2]

I am overwhelmed by the wise words and openness of the people in this forum. Haven't found such an honest and supportive bunch of people in the "face-to-face" world. Thank you all so much.

Now for some clarification questions: What if you are a bi-curious, but have never done anything with another guy yet? What if you don't know if you are bi for sure? What if you try it and find that you don't like it or that the reality doesn't arouse like the fantasy? Should you tell your partner and get her all upset (and maybe lose her), only to find later that you aren't really bi?

Honesty always needs to be tempered in all relationships. It shouldn't be used to unnecessarily hurt someone you love, right? If I found that I was bi, well then, of course, I would confide with my partner. Honesty at the right time might be a better path perhaps. Love to hear peoples thoughts on this.

[Realist]

I think if you'd tried a same-gender encounter/relationship and found that you didn't like it and felt that you honestly wouldn't go that route again. I'd keep it to myself. What would you gain by telling a mate?

If I knew I was bisexual and would always have the desire to be with other men (or woman, if I was a female) I would, as you said, try to pick the right time and place, then explain my feelings...............before I acted on it.

I learned, the hard way, that you can't quell strong desires and it may be almost impossible to refrain from succumbing to temptation. I wasn't honest about my bisexuality and I struggled against what was natural for me. I lived a miserable 23 years, like that. I would never advise anyone to follow that path!

[Lisa (va)]

I'll ask another question. Why would you feel you should not be able to tell your spouse or significant other anything ?

I do understand that it is quite a dilema to tell a spouse after finding out after marriage, but in your case it is prior to marriage.

[darkeyes]

Sometimes Lisa, we fall in love and for many different reasons and do not tell our partners certain things about ourselves.. sexuality, especially bisexuality is not yet that accepted that it is always an easy thing to do. Often our partners are not receptive to its reality and so we simply keep quiet and set it aside.. fear of loss, uncertainty cause us to say nothing. I understand it, for I once did it. That in my instance it was a disaster is a salutory warning that such a decision and strategy is a very dangerous thing to do indeed. Many of us think we can control our sexuality, and many indeed do.. and so we say nothing thinking, like the straight couple that it will be fidelity forever to the exclusion of all others, and it often is.. so we say nothing because we do not think there is a reason to say anything.. until such times, as in the case of so many, we are drawn to one of our own and decide to act on it.. we lie and we cheat... I did that too.. I am not proud of it.. but not all are like me.. many dont lie or cheat.. but again my own llife is a warning of what may happen and of the agonising cost it brings to so many..we just never know when we will meet someone which will throw all our best laid plans and intentions into chaos.. and we can never rule out cicumstances when our inhibitions drop and we stray the nest.. we can guard against it but no guard is 100% infallible..

I am older now.. maturity makes me see things differently and I have grown up and changed a great deal.. I have caused pain, but if at 31, my life was as it was when I was 20, and what happened to me then did now, I would take very different decisions in those circumstances..

So I understand, but it is not a course of action I would recommend.. human beings are frail, fragile and flawed.. our feelings and emotions so unpredictable.. I see that clearly now in a way that I could not when I was 20.. and seeing that, knowing it, makes me always warn those against saying nothing to the one they love about their bisexuality... we change, and our feelings change, our sexuality can overcome our defences.. and we weaken and cause misery..

[Realist]

Fran,

I think that is the best thing you've ever written!

I've been down that same path, myself. I have promised myself that I will never do it again.

[bizel]

I am overwhelmed by the wise words and openness of the people in this forum. Haven't found such an honest and supportive bunch of people in the "face-to-face" world. Thank you all so much.

Now for some clarification questions: What if you are a bi-curious, but have never done anything with another guy yet? What if you don't know if you are bi for sure? What if you try it and find that you don't like it or that the reality doesn't arouse like the fantasy? Should you tell your partner and get her all upset (and maybe lose her), only to find later that you aren't really bi?

Honesty always needs to be tempered in all relationships. It shouldn't be used to unnecessarily hurt someone you love, right? If I found that I was bi, well then, of course, I would confide with my partner. Honesty at the right time might be a better path perhaps. Love to hear peoples thoughts on this.



my husband realised his feelings for another men were more than fantasy, and admitted it to me. we've always been honest with each other. in fact, he says he's never been this open in a relationship before. he wanted to but his previous partners have not been at all receptive.i have to admit as a straight woman, it's been a shock but i admire his honesty and love him to death generally so have taken a deep breath, realised he is confused and hurting and needs help. i don't feel threatened by his need as it's physical. i was brought up victorian english where children were seen but not heard, and brethren religious - very strict. so all sexual issues were of the devil. my first french kiss at 15 horrified me. now i do all sorts of things that amaze me and make my husband smile. it's been a steep learning curve for me in acceptance and tolerance but well worth it. my husband's honesty at times is painful, but at least i know where i stand. i feel sorry for those that can't live a true life and have to hide themselves, but i do understand their fear. society teaches us to judge, and not always fairly.

[Realist]

Your husband is a lucky and wealthy man, Lady! If he loves you as much, he's lucky, too!

[djones]

In response to your second question -Were it me, I wouldn't risk my relationship if I were still questioning my sexuality.

Should you come to know for certain, through experimentation or however, that you truly are Bisexual and need to satisfy your same sex desires - thereby no longer staying monogamous, then you should tell your partner.

For your sake and your partners sake, don't try leading a secret life. It will only bring stress, bitterness, and pain to you both. It is better to be happy apart than miserable together.

[darkeyes]

Fran,

I think that is the best thing you've ever written!

I've been down that same path, myself. I have promised myself that I will never do it again.

Ta Realist darlin'.. doubt if its the best, but it is as heart felt as any.. we are but feeble and fickle things we human beings.. no matter our sexuality.. no matter the promises we make to ourselves or others, we are not seers, and have no vision of our future except in the most general or ambitious terms.. we have goals and we have dreams.. what is to come and how we react, is something the most sincere and determined promise will often find challenged and many of us will be found wanting..

..we can do more than as best we can to hold to our promises and so keep faith with the one we love. :)

[AsianDream]

In response to your second question -Were it me, I wouldn't risk my relationship if I were still questioning my sexuality.

Should you come to know for certain, through experimentation or however, that you truly are Bisexual and need to satisfy your same sex desires - thereby no longer staying monogamous, then you should tell your partner.

For your sake and your partners sake, don't try leading a secret life. It will only bring stress, bitterness, and pain to you both. It is better to be happy apart than miserable together.

From what I've seen in other people's relationships - I'd agree that it's the secrets and the lies that seem to cause the most problems.

I'm very lucky to be in a long term polyamorous relationship with three other people - which for all of us seems to meet both our sexual and emotional needs.

But I think if two people genuinely want a monogomous exclusive relationship that can work well for them. But lies and secrets shouldn't be built into the relationship from the start.

[darkeyes]

I'll put it to you this way, every gay will try & coerce you to out yourself, so stay away from anyone who's a gay 6, because for them, it's all about the LGBT cause.

Not every gay hun.. not by a long chalk... not every gay is obsessed by the gay cause, or the lgbt cause by any means.. although important, it is but small beer in the greater scheme of human relations.. my sexuality is subservient to my humanity, as it is for many of us..I suggest you think more deeply on the issue...:)