Married...a while then you decide you want to be bi?

[mrmetx35]

Howdy... I am like so many guys who lived a straight life and married.
The idea of bisexuality isn't something that occurs to us. There might be the occasional twinge about a guy, but I'd chalk that up to confusion on my part.

Sometime about my early late 30s, early 40s I'd come to the realization that bisexuality was sounding more interesting. I'd find my self frequenting bi/gay chat boards..and checking out a bit of gay porn online. For years I was too afraid to go past my computer to satisfy their curiosity and needs.

In my early 50s.. (yeah late bloomer here) I finally met a person I thought I'd take the chance with. I'd been talking with them for well over a year online and things seemed to be right. We had two encounters in that first week and I really enjoyed it.

However, I was riddled with guilt and fear....and stopped any further meets. To my partner's credit he was a very understanding and patient guy.. We still talk but haven't met since..

I don't know when this particular board was started but it's a nice place to chat.

Not sure why I'm writing this.. other than I'm sure I'm not alone in my feelings and experience.........

am ? :)

[Plumhead2]

You are definitely not alone. Sounds like my life story too, except that I haven't done anything with another guy yet. I am afraid of the guilt and fear, and I am afraid of losing my long-term gf. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and I don't want to lose her. Can't tell you how many guys I have chatted with who have voiced the same sentiments. What a complicated world we have stepped into (see my post also). Yes, it is wonderful to have a place like this forum to discuss and learn.

[Realist]

As one who has been bisexual my whole life and active since I was 14, I can tell you that cheating may result in heartbreak and humiliation for all involved.

Some spouses can accept a bisexual mate and I've even heard that one coming out to a mate, has encouraged the mate to reveal their bisexual thoughts, too.

However, when a mate finds out that you've been cheating and basically lying to them, trust is more often than not, shattered. I know, I cheated and then decided to tell my ex what I'd done. That was the beginning of the end for us. If I'd told her, first, maybe we could have survived, but I chose the wrong path.

Now, I'm not advising anyone; each of us has to do what's in us to do, but I'm certainly not advocating following my example. I know the urges and desire are so compelling, but I believe that being honest and up-front, is the best route, in the long run.

I presently have the best relationship for me.....I have a bisexual GF, who has not one jealous bone in her body....nor do I. Although I don't have a male lover at this time, if I do meet someone special, or if she meets someone, we both are OK with it.

[ironwood]

I am a married bisexual male who's wife does know.I do understand where you guys are coming from tho.I have always known i was bissexual but took me years to admit it to myself.Then what i thought would be the end of my marriage to the best women i could ask for happened.She found a web site i had signed up for(not this site).I then came clean on everything.It was a huge wieght off my shoulders and she took it alot better than i thought.This all happened 2 years ago.We did never really discuss this alot after that happened .Then the other day wife was not herself and we started talking one thing lead to another and the whole thing about me being Bisexual came up again.I am greatful it did because we are now talking about it.She still doesn't understand the whole thing but we are comunicating about it.She is th ewomen i love to death and never wanted to hurt.We made it threw that and are marriage is still very much intact.I am traying to get her to understand more about me being bisexual but will never push her to do anything she doesn't want to.With that i wish you all the luck and hope in the world.Believe me when i say is a scary thing to tell the one you love you are bisexual but if you don't the guilt will bother you.If we can make it threw this anyone else can .I am taking one day and step at a time and we have the rest of our life together to work threw this.

[Realist]

Maybe your wife could talk to some of the straight people here, who have bisexual partners.

"Onewhocares", or "Belle" of the nicest, most intelligent, straight ladies I know and she comes here often. Her husband is bi and she's dealing with it well.

I'm sure she'd be happy to help.

[12voltman59]

I am not married so I don't share that part of your story--but a lot of it is similar to my own story and coming to bisexuality.

Your story is not the uncommon and you are not alone in having such desires and finally acting on them later in life.

Good luck with your overall situation.

[Iowason]

I have always considered myself bi but rarely acted on it since my teen years. I eventually told both of my wives including my current one. Living a "straight" life is easy enough but I will always have my desires... ;)

[_Joe_]

You are not alone.

I'm married, with kids, and always had this slight little bicuriosity about me but was in Texas, raised by Biblethumping Baptist, and saw some of the ugly-southern behaviors that told me to just stick with the norm. I liked the womens so it wasn't too hard.

After getting married and sometime, finally had to address it. Wife knows it, accepts me still, but I don't wander. She fears it, but I keep telling her the chances of me chasing another man are same as another woman, which somehow works in my head but scares her twice as much!

Well, anyhow, you should sooner or later decide if you need to come out to her at the very least. Otherwise, it will continue to drive YOU crazy more than anything (assuming you have a conciouse, which you seem to have).

be true to yourself....bottom line.

[irsh76]

I share you pain there, i am in my mid 30's and just now starting to admit to being BI. I have never acted out on it with another male but have had y partner try somethings. She still acts as if she doesn't know and i have yet to tell her anything. I does suck because i really want to try new things with another male just not sure if i have the Balls to do it and not feel as if i am cheating.

[bizel]

i just want to give you a big hug, and all other guys out there that have to hide their real selves. my hubby is in complete confusion about his sexuality. i won't dump him just because he may be bi. love, like, respect, care about him too much to add more hurt to the equation. i don't really understand what he's going thru as i'm straight, but really want him to seach himself and find some answers. i am even trying to find a suitable guy for him to try out the male touch. yeah, i'm scared of where this will leave us, but at worst he's assured me we'll be best friends, at best we'll have another dimension to our relationship and hopefully it will be stronger. how's that for hopeful! unrealistic? we'll see. best of luck.

[Realist]

Bizel,

I would think that it may be best to let your husband know you love him and support him, but let him do his own looking.

As for him leaving you, it may happen...........but I doubt it, in your case. He should know how lucky he is to have you!

In my experience, most bisexuals, who are married/or are otherwise connected to a loving, understanding straight person, really don't want to leave; they just want to be with another person of the same gender, now and then.

Just keep the lines of communication open and do your best to encourage him to relax and discuss his thoughts and desires. Don't push, though...it's best to let things flow, naturally.

These may be rough times, but knowing you're not mad at him and are willing to work things out will certainly help.

You should be fine.

I hope so, anyway.

[darkeyes]

The title of the thread is surely wrong... want to be bi? Or anything else? We are or we are not.. we may or may not become..

Sexuality for many seems to be quite fluid.. it waxes and wanes. For some it is an inexorable move from heterosexuality to homosexuality.. for others, especially bisexuals, preference varies throughout their lives.. while women seem to be more open to bisexuality when young, with men for whatever reason many seem to grow more attracted to their own sex as they get older. Whether this is because of society and their peer group's greater hostility to male homosexuality in adolescence and manhood when young, I don't know, but it is a phenomenon which seems to be quite prevalent.

I read recently about the increased rarity of the "camp" or effeminate gay man, at least in British society. This may be because of the modern legality and greater acceptance of homosexuality in our society, and the increased openness among homosexuals, but more homosexual men appear to be of the "manly" as opposed to "nellified" variety.. and this must also to some extent be seen within the bisexual community... it may be an illusion as more gay and bisexual men begin to openly express their sexuality, and increasingly swamp the effeminate gay.

It is a long and complex issue.. the question maybe should have been "Married a while and decide to be actively bisexual". For we do not choose our sexuality.. it just is.. it may change as we go through life.. and choices we made when young, out of an honest assessment of our sexuality, or because of a conscious decision to suppress it, can prove to be a double edged sword as we struggle with our evolving sexuality and personality, thus creating real problems for both ourselves and the ones we love.

Whereas I have increasingly turned to my own sex to consider myself a lesbian, there are many varieties of gay and bisexual people. How I have become is not the only way people change.. there are many different ways for people of both genders..

[mrmetx35]

EDIT:...The title of the thread is surely wrong... want to be bi? Or anything else? We are or we are not.. we may or may not become..
......

HI Darkeyes. you're quite right... I mistyped the title of this. It might have been better to name it: Married a while then you realize you are sexually attracted to the same sex.
You're right there are many degrees of sexuality and they can vary as we grow.

Bizel..interesting comment. Just by the fact that you're here and you and your spouse have an open enough and understanding relationship gives me high hopes for the two of you.

There is love and there is sex. Sometimes they in in tandem and sometimes they are apart.

I tried to approach this subject with my wife and it did not go well..to say the least. I love her and felt selfish for having bi feelings. I did a LOT of back tracking. I wasn't ready to get divorced. I'm still not.

We've settled into a comfortable spot. I love her very much...but the sex, with us, is not there. I'm much more relaxed in the present situation, odd as it may sound.

Thanks for all the great comments!! I appreciate the feed back.

[danreidbarmi]

(Be grateful that so far this thread has been empathetic and constructive, that the self-righteous trolls haven't landed with their myopic, judgmental harangues.)

If there is one thing that I regret, it's that I didn't confess my homosexual cravings to my wife long ago. Instead, I conveniently compartmentalized my life into two separate personas, and justified my cheating with the self-explanation that it was always with anonymous men with no emotional attachments and never with other women. What I should have done was to go to my wife and tell her, "When I asked you to marry me, I was sure I had put my bi-curiosity in the past, but those feelings have resurfaced and I don't know what to do about it." What I did about it, instead, was to participate in compulsive, illicit encounters with other men -- for years -- until I couldn't live my lie any longer. I came out to her, but by then, it was too late. Now, I've lost my soul mate, my best friend, my devoted wife. She is moving out in two days.

Regardless of whether you find yourself compelled to have sex with another man again (and, you probably will), you owe it to your spouse to tell her about your bi-curiosity before it's too late. Don't make the awful mistake that I made and destroy all trust because of your uncontrolled, extra-marital desires. Honor and respect your wife. Be honest and take the consequences. And, thank you for confiding in this forum. That was the right thing to do.

Good luck,
Dan

[jem_is_bi]

I always knew I was bisexual. But, I never did anything about it until I was 58 because I was otherwise happy with my life. In retrospect, I would not change anything if I could live it again. But, at 58 yrs old, I realized that time was getting short to enjoy the pleasure of sex with another man. The thought of reaching the end of life before fulfillment of this life long desire was causing nightmares. However, I have eliminated this as a potential regret. So, now I have good dreams again.
I have never been married, so I do not know how to help you keep your wife and still fulfill your desire for sex with men. I hope all works out well for you.

[silkydave]

"want to be bi" ? hmmm , i don't recall wanting to be bi or straight, i live by the popeye mantra, "i am who i am and that's who i am"..i am married since 1992, been with her since early 1991, always had curiousities but did not make anything of it, thought i was just curious, well i finally figured out i am bi, hell now i have a name for it (it i say like it is a condition, lol)...well i can't say from personal experience that "cheating" is the best option as I ahve not done so, i am what i call a "bi-virgin", never been there done that to this point, actually had a "date" for this thursday but canceled as i knew how guilty i would feel after an hour of bliss. we all must do what is right for each of us, i don't judge another's decision to explore outside their marriage, i want to actually myself but know myself well enough to know the guilt would overwhelm me. maybe someday i will experience my fantasies, i know that if i do it will be wonderful and erotic and i will find that MM sex is glorious, maybe in 2011...do what is right for you adn the ones you love, my goal for the coming year is to "come out" to my wife, hiding it is painful and who knows what she will say, maybe i will be shown the door, if so then i will have discovered more about her than me, we shall see.....good luck with your personal decision, you are who you are, love yourself first, that is the most difficult task, believe me ! :bipride:, be proud of who you are, you are among friends here. we understand the inner conflict. love

[mrmetx35]

EDITED: (Be grateful that so far this thread has been empathetic and constructive, that the self-righteous trolls haven't landed with their myopic, judgmental harangues.) ......thank you for confiding in this forum. That was the right thing to do.

Good luck,
Dan

Dan thanks.

I agree with your assessment of my situation. To those that raise an eyebrow.. at the thread title....yeah I should have worded it better... LOL

But to all thanks for your insightful, constructive and compassionate comments.