With a woman but dreaming...

[sascha1983]

So I am currently in a relationship with this amazing woman whom I completely adore. I started recognizing my feelings towards women around the age of 22 but didn't really act on them until last year (at 26). I've had sexual experiences with men, and while I enjoyed it, I couldn't develop any real emotional connection with men which led me to believe that I might be gay. So anyway, last year I met my girlfriend and she's wonderful and I am so in love with her... but I'm starting to feel/fear it may be in a platonic way or something. When we got together I felt like I'd found the missing piece - the reason I couldn't develop relationships with men was because I needed to be with a woman. However, the feeling is somehow fading. My desire for sex (with her and in general) has sharply decreased over the last 4 months or so. In fact, I've never had such little desire for sex. My father passed away in August and I was wondering if maybe it had something to do with that and the whole grieving period (except if I'm honest, this started before he died). It would be the easy answer and none of this would worry me so much... except for the fact that I seem to dream constantly about sex with men. I dream about men I've slept with in the past, men I didn't sleep with but had an attraction to, random men, men I know but haven't actually been with, and (most disturbingly to me) I dream about having sex with men while my girlfriend watches and I cry and apologize. I don't really know what to do... I've been waiting for it all to just pass but it seems to just get worse. I don't know what the answer is... I love her so much but something just isn't right...

[darkeyes]

Hun, my partner is bi but takes a different view from you.. she knows there is something missing that I can't give her but the person she is she happily accepts it because of how she feels. I am much more free spirited than is she, and there are things she cant give me also because of the person she is and how she feels.. I accept it more or less happily because the alternative just does not bear thinking about.. I've been there.. and did not like it one bit.. and neither did she...

The sex is hugely important to both of us.. but I am not a man, and she isnt another woman.. but what we give to each other is far more than sex, and even far more than simply love. No relationship between two people will ever be perfect.. both partners will have wistful thoughts and both will miss things from the time before they became a couple and both will almost certainly have fantasies about something and someone else.. it is human nature.. because of who we are and because of our commitment to each other we may want something else, but we do not need it.. that may change in time, and for many it does, but not for all.. some live and love, hanker for something else but when reality dawns and they realise what they could lose they draw back.. Some do not draw back and by then, it is too late and if loss isnt inevitable, then it is difficult to prevent..

No partnership can be a perfect union.. ours is as good as any I think.. but it may be that you have problems which you will find too problematical to overcome.. that you are not ready for the commitment you have made. It may be that you do need more.. but before you jump in and mess things up I suggest you take some while longer to take stock... because once you have said or done something to change things, it can neither be unsaid or undone...

[Long Duck Dong]

lol I am a male,.... but I can relate....... I am not a overly sexual person.... while I can have sex, its not a big part of my life.... and I spend more time than not, not having it......

I long for the contact of people as in hugs and closeness ( platonic)..... and I did find with my current partner that when we were living together that my thoughts were not with her, but with others ( people that do not exist ) it was as if she had filled a part of my life, and revealed another area that was empty......

for me its more a emotional / mental issue than a sexual one, as sex is not something that rates highly on my bucket list, lol.... but I do understand how differcult it can be to be on the rollercoaster and feeling drawn to filling that empty void, but at the same time, knowing that filling the void, is not always the best answer and can leave people feeling worse than ever.....

as darkeyes posts, our partners are often not totally furfilling, and that is what can make or break a relationship.... as some people support each other thru the rough patches and others go outside of the relationship instead....

I am bisexual and being in a monogamous relationship, means that I restrict myself.... so my partner has been willingly to experiment in the bed which is helpful, but there are times that I am drawn to things that she can not help with... the emotional / mental aspect of the empty void.....

the way I have found around that, is to have people in contact with me that I have no sexual interest in or desire to be with, so that they can semi fill the void within me, while not placing either of us at risk of wrong doing....

with you, I am inclined to ask, what is the attraction you feel, is it the desire for desire, or the emotional / mental / body reactions to the idea of having sex with men and is there any way you can slowly work around them with your partner BEFORE you look at taking other steps

[Realist]

Sascha,

I may be wrong, but I'm thinking you may be experiencing the "Pendulum Affect", where your desires fluctuate between two choices. It's also possible that you truly are gay and your "experiment" is proving that. (This is all conjecture, I hope you know)

I've been bisexual since my earliest memory and during that time I've had periods when I was mostly heterosexual ..........and then other periods when I felt mostly gay. My Kinsey rating is 30% gay, so that matches my experience, as I feel I am mostly heterosexual.

For me, the happiest I've ever been was when I lived with a married couple. With both willing partners available, it was one of the few times in my life when I've been totally sated on a continuous level!

I hope you can share your feelings openly with your lover and allow her to be part of your journey. Good luck!

[sammie19]

Those who urge you to think before you act are so right. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. Fran found that out herself once upon a time, and so I would listen to her if I were you. I didn't. I thought I knew better and ingored her advice. Now I pay for it knowing the pain I have caused the one person I care for more than any other, and that I have lost the woman I have loved for so long because I thought I wanted something more than I needed her. I walked away, ignored my partner's pleadings and her warnings, left our home and find myself, a matter of weeks later rueing the day I thought my wants were the same as my needs.

Now there are two unhappy and miserable people where, even taking account of what I wanted and thought I needed, there were two who were happy.

We have no right to expect everything in a relationship. We cant have everything no matter how much we believe we can. To cause pain to one we love in pursuit of our own selfish wants is to lose everything.

[darkeyes]

*Sits down side Sam an gives 'er a huggle*