Hi. Hope someone can help me!

[Zamaria]

Hi. I'm not sure I'm really in the right place, as I am not bi sexual. But I think my husband may be, or at least bi curious. He recently told me that he had sex with another man. He seemed so ashamed, like I was going to be disgusted or hate him for it. I let him know I wasn't and asked for details, and let him know that it really excited me. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. He is very reserved sexually, and has major issues expressing his feelings. He is embarrassed that he enjoys anal stimulation. He hides the fact that he likes gay porn. I bought it thinking it might help him, and left it where he would find it. He watches it, but thinks I don't know it. He is so ashamed of so many things. He won't even talk about the time he had sex with another man. The thing is, honestly, these things that he is so ashamed of are big turnons for me. I want to help him not be ashamed of what he likes and wants. But he is soooo resistant to even discussing it! I love him with all my heart, and I really hate to see him so miserable. Can someone give me some advice here? I don't know how to approach this without embarrassing him or making him uncomfortable. If anyone has advice I'd appreciate it. I feel like this is really coming between us.

[elian]

I'll let another M/F couple say something more intelligent but I'd just like to say that people have hang-ups about sex in the US even when it is straight sex - so I think a lot of guys have guilt and shame over being attracted to other guys - if I was in the same situation I would be grateful to have someone who is as understanding.

It may take a long time for him not to feel guilty about it - until I found this site I had no real idea that there WAS anything besides gay or straight and I kept trying to prove to myself I was one way or the other.

The fact that you are turned on by it may be of some benefit later (well now too probably since you didn't react the way he thought you were going to) and it wouldn't be the first time I have heard a woman say that.

[BiloxiM4Fun]

damn...he's a lucky man to have you.

Just tell him what you feel and really think...."honey, I love you no matter what ...butt I have to tell you that the thought of seeing you suck cock or get fucked bi a man actually turns me on. May I fuck you in the ass with a strap-on while we both suck a man's cock?"

And I will cum right over.

Seriously...just tell him

[DrBimind]

First of all....YES you are in the right place...just because you're not Bi does not mean you can't be here....especially since your Significant Other is Bi whether he's ready or not to admit it to himself. For him, I thank YOU for being open and understanding. I hope for his sake he can come to terms with his feelings as there is no need for him to be embarrassed since he has told you about his past endeavor. Also, let him know that there are many men like him, who were ashamed of their desire for another man (especially in this redneck state Indiana that I too live in), are/were miserable till they found an understanding person like you they could at least talk to. He's is very lucky to have you and like a lot of straight women, not only open to the idea but are excited about it. I had the same shame before I told my wife and still am surprised by how much it turns her on.

With all that said though, it's now up to him to find his comfort level. Don't push to talk about it but let him know that when he's ready you are there for him. Maybe during sex you can take a more dominate role and touch his anal region, slow at first till you know he's ready for more. Or there is always a game of blindfold and tied and you do as much as you feel comfortable, even against his protest. Again, go slow and respect his wishes but you should know what he can take better than I.

If he needs other anonymous, understanding and honest men to talk to, without any pressure to connect or otherwise use him, please feel free to have him contact me here on the site. I'll be glad to chat and e mail, and share honestly what is was like for me before I told anyone about my Bi feelings. I empathize what he's going through as I remember how painful it was for myself.

Just remember to keep open, honest communication going with him, be understanding of his shameful feelings (as most of us Bi guys felt at one time or another), be reassuring to him that this is not a breaking point for your relationship, and continue offering your unconditional love and support. "The longest journey begins with a single step" and his has taken that crucial first step with you beside him. Good luck to you both and God loves you just the way you are and for who you are... :)

[djones]

Your husband is not alone. That is the first thing to help him realize. As others have said, he is very fortunate to have an open and accepting spouse.

It may also help him to relax and accept his own desires to understand that, by way of nature, all men enjoy a certain amount of anal stimulation (the prostrate loves a good massaging). Some men don't like deep penetration, while others prefer it. But your husband is by no means unique in enjoying anal sex (in whatever measure suits him) and there is no shame in anatomy enjoying what anatomy enjoys. Societal "norms" and perceptions are what create his guilt / shame.

As for the best way to approach the subject with him, perhaps professional counseling - first to give you some solid advice on how not to alienate him as, even though you are supportive, it is a difficult subject for him to deal with. And then as a couple. You are in a fantastic position to have a very strong relationship.

In the meantime, if you are able to, as you did with the gay porn, quietly direct him to this site, he may find some like minded people and feel less isolated.

Hope all works out

[bluebay]

Let me start by saying that you are in the right place. We are a bisexual couple that just within the last year reailzed and accepted the fact that we want more freedom with our sex lives. Alot of men have trouble coming to grips with the fact that they like sex with other men. When I finally told my wife that I like her finger in my ass and that I wanted something bigger it shocked me more than her. She just like you knew it before I would admit it. Just continue to support your husband. Eventually he will be able to admit it to himself, then to you. As he gets more comfortable with it just reassure him that you love and accept him and his sexuality and that he doesn't have to worry about labels with you. That is what my wife did with me, and I love her even more for it. She let me know it was ok to want it and to ask for it. Try being more open sexually yourself. Ask for different positions or other little things like KY lube or maybe anal sex.
I'm no longer shy about it, and I don't worry about labels. I'm not gay or straight. I love sex with both. My wife didn't pressure me and she didn't use subtle tactics like leaving gay porn out for me to find. She just let it happen. That might not work for you, but I wouldn't advise rushing it either. My advice is to give it time and space.

[bityme]

Hi. I'm not sure I'm really in the right place, as I am not bi sexual. But I think my husband may be, or at least bi curious. He recently told me that he had sex with another man. He seemed so ashamed, like I was going to be disgusted or hate him for it. I let him know I wasn't and asked for details, and let him know that it really excited me. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. He is very reserved sexually, and has major issues expressing his feelings. He is embarrassed that he enjoys anal stimulation. He hides the fact that he likes gay porn. I bought it thinking it might help him, and left it where he would find it. He watches it, but thinks I don't know it. He is so ashamed of so many things. He won't even talk about the time he had sex with another man. The thing is, honestly, these things that he is so ashamed of are big turnons for me. I want to help him not be ashamed of what he likes and wants. But he is soooo resistant to even discussing it! I love him with all my heart, and I really hate to see him so miserable. Can someone give me some advice here? I don't know how to approach this without embarrassing him or making him uncomfortable. If anyone has advice I'd appreciate it. I feel like this is really coming between us.

As others have said, your husband is a very lucky man to have someone so understanding.

It may help you to understand your husband's reactions by learning more about his background. You use terms like shame, embarrassment, and disgust. These emotions are often brought on as a result of the environment in which a person has been raised. Commonly, there is the presence of a strong religious upbringing during which they were taught that engaging in intimate contact with someone of the same sex was disgusting, against God's laws and would lead to damnation. Some are taught that even in the absence of religious training.

If an individual is raised with these strict divisions or gender roles, it can be very difficult for them to accept feelings and emotions that violate them. With men it often leads to self-doubt and the inability to keep any conduct they consider deviant from their spouse. Often this leads to confessions like you husband's. It is rare that the wife's response is a understanding and compassionate as yours, and even more rare that the wife is turned on by the thought of seeing it take place.

We often talk about these things in terms of morals, however, morals are those religious based rules society uses. When society views things differently than religious based morals, the proper term is mores (mo-rays). An example is: sex outside of marriage is wrong (morals) while society says sex between consenting adults is acceptable (mores).

Another problem might be that your husband does not view his prior experience as bisexual, but as gay. His reactions might stem from a feeling that these desires mean he is replacing his heterosexuality with being gay and he fears that possibility. He might not understand that having intimate contact with a man does not require that he forego intimate contact with women.

If your husband's reactions stem from this type of upbringing, you will probably not be able to change him by telling him it turns you on or by playing with him. Instead he will need help in accepting that what he was taught while growing up is no longer the norm in an ever greater segment of society and that it was taught as a means of ensuring that people conform to strict religious rules. If he can come to the point of understanding that his masculinity is really not threatened by or diminished by pleasurable conduct (wether with a man or a woman) that deviates from the strict upbringing.

Even though you are not bisexual, you might try a conversation about how he views bisexuality between women. If his view of female bisexuality is different than male bisexuality, that might be a place to start.

Best of luck to you in helping him to cope with his feelings.

[Zamaria]

Wow this is some great advice. Thank you all so much for making me feel welcome! I love the idea of leaving this forum up on the computer so he can see it.
There was a question about his background. I'd like to share a little of it with you, maybe you can help me puck out some things that I may not be understanding. First, he is black. He seems to feel that black people shouldn't be bi or gay. I don't get that at all. He wasn't raised in a very religious home. I was though. It's odd to me that I am so much more open sexually than he is, given my very religious upbringing. Honestly, I am still very much a Christian. Probably not your typical Christian, but I do have a relationship with God. My husband has a cousin who is gay. The way he treats him is horrible. We have had many arguments about it. But I think in a way he is jealous of the freedom that his cousin has because he is very open about his sexuality. As far as bi sexual women, he has no problem at all with a ffm threesome. He is a little weird about just two women having sex. I wondered if maybe I should ask him to have a threesome with another woman and myself. I am not bi sexual, but the idea of having sex with another woman doesn't really turn me off. Knowing that he would enjoy it is a turn on. Actually, now that I think about it, I think I would really enjoy it myself. Hmmmm. Wonder what that's about? The thing is I'm not sure if that would help him accept his feelings towards men, since we already know he likes women!
So far, he really enjoys it when I lick and finger him, and he will let me use a very small vibe on him. I have asked about a small strap on, but he is totally against it. He has a very hard time talking about sex. So maybe I should just get a strap on and try to introduce it while we are having sex? Or would that freak him out maybe?
I have to admit, I'm getting a little frustrated at this point. I've been trying get him to talk about this stuff for years. It's not like I'm asking him to announce it to the world, but I feel shut out because he is so unwilling to trust me with this information. The "confession" about being with another man was part of a 12 step program for him. And he wasn't honest about it at first. He first told me that the guy just gave him head. I immediately thought there was more to it than that. A few days later, he said that he "fucked the guy". Not trying to be crude, but not sure how else to put that! I'm thinking that there was even more to it than that, because he would never have sex with someone and leave them unsatisfied. He just wouldn't do that. But he clams up every time I try to bring it up.
I'm rambling. I'm sorry. It is just such a releif to be able to talk about this after so long trying to deal with it on my own! Thanks again!

[12voltman59]

For now---just leave out the part that him having sex with another guy is something you find a turnon--but do tell him that you think it is ok for him to do it---but that if he wants to do it--do it safely. Just help him to come to terms with the fact he likes to have sex with other guys, likes gay porn and such----and tell him that in spite of all the bullshit that society says that same-sex sex is bad----its not and that it is actually quite a natural thing--not that its either "good or bad"--just that it is part of the human sexual experience and he is not a bad person because he likes it and wants it.

Continue to encourage him to talk about it---have him come here and post things---most of the folks here are a pretty good lot--beware that from time to time we do get "trolls" who are idiots and such--but to just ignore the comments from those jerks if what he posts happens to get "trolled."

I might suggest also waiting till he comes to terms with his own feelings about all of this and becomes more comfortable with it all before you do anything like have a threesome---at this point--that can only complicate matters.

As far as black guys being gay or bi----there are tons of black males who fall into those and other non-straight sexual classifications----so he shouldn't feel bad about that. As far as the religious aspect to this----I might urge you both to seek out those religious faiths/traditions that are open and welcoming to GLBT people and get away from those who are antagonistic to GLBT people with those faiths saying that being such is "evil, bad, etc."--there are plenty of faiths, congregations, etc. that are very GLBT friendly---just do a Google search on that--I am sure you have at least a few such churches, etc. where you live that are GLBT welcoming, affirming or other such terms that are used to express that they accept those who are non-straight.

Just for something that is very interesting---listen to this story of a white, evangelical minister who just came out as being gay to the public and his congregation: http://www.npr.org/2010/11/14/131312723/out-of-the-closet-in-the-pulpit-of-a-megachurch Maybe your husband will find what this man says to be something he can identify with and find comfort from.

Good luck to you both.

[mitten0702]

Zamaria,

As an African American, I can tell you that one thing we do not discuss openly in our community is sexuality. That's why it's not uncommon for African American men to be on the "down low." It's really about being what's going on his head, and it may be hard for you to understand. Sadly, the stereotypical black male is hypersexualized -- read some of the blog posts on this site about people's fantasies. Your husband will have to come to terms with who he is in his own time.


Wow this is some great advice. Thank you all so much for making me feel welcome! I love the idea of leaving this forum up on the computer so he can see it.
There was a question about his background. I'd like to share a little of it with you, maybe you can help me puck out some things that I may not be understanding. First, he is black. He seems to feel that black people shouldn't be bi or gay. I don't get that at all. He wasn't raised in a very religious home. I was though. It's odd to me that I am so much more open sexually than he is, given my very religious upbringing. Honestly, I am still very much a Christian. Probably not your typical Christian, but I do have a relationship with God. My husband has a cousin who is gay. The way he treats him is horrible. We have had many arguments about it. But I think in a way he is jealous of the freedom that his cousin has because he is very open about his sexuality. As far as bi sexual women, he has no problem at all with a ffm threesome. He is a little weird about just two women having sex. I wondered if maybe I should ask him to have a threesome with another woman and myself. I am not bi sexual, but the idea of having sex with another woman doesn't really turn me off. Knowing that he would enjoy it is a turn on. Actually, now that I think about it, I think I would really enjoy it myself. Hmmmm. Wonder what that's about? The thing is I'm not sure if that would help him accept his feelings towards men, since we already know he likes women!
So far, he really enjoys it when I lick and finger him, and he will let me use a very small vibe on him. I have asked about a small strap on, but he is totally against it. He has a very hard time talking about sex. So maybe I should just get a strap on and try to introduce it while we are having sex? Or would that freak him out maybe?
I have to admit, I'm getting a little frustrated at this point. I've been trying get him to talk about this stuff for years. It's not like I'm asking him to announce it to the world, but I feel shut out because he is so unwilling to trust me with this information. The "confession" about being with another man was part of a 12 step program for him. And he wasn't honest about it at first. He first told me that the guy just gave him head. I immediately thought there was more to it than that. A few days later, he said that he "fucked the guy". Not trying to be crude, but not sure how else to put that! I'm thinking that there was even more to it than that, because he would never have sex with someone and leave them unsatisfied. He just wouldn't do that. But he clams up every time I try to bring it up.
I'm rambling. I'm sorry. It is just such a releif to be able to talk about this after so long trying to deal with it on my own! Thanks again!

[Jessicaknight]

Hi Zamaria, and welcome to bisexual.com

I'm a bi man but my wife is in no way interested in being bi. However, she loves gay men, bi men and even gay/bi porn.

I have always been attracted to women who are into my sexuality. But they are hard to find. My wife is not a part of this site but she reads all my postings.

I agree with showing him this site and have him read some of the postings. He can see how lucky a man he is.

Get him Bi male porn, (Two guys and a girl).
And women Pegging men
Make sure you let him know that your regular sex acts will still be there.
He's not being converted, he just has freedom of expression with you.

I'm love my wife and blessed with her understanding. We have an open relationship where I can play sexualy with any man I want and I don't have to hide it. I don't have to hide what's in my computer.

The way I see it, He has nothing to lose. Just gaining a new level of sexuality.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Welcome to the Family, Hon. Just let him ease into his situation and let him make comfort with it. :} After a while he may be able to relax enough to talk about it a little with you. All good things in their own time, Sweetie.
Great luck.
Cat
Everybody's feline..

[mikey3000]

Just let him know that it's very normal, tell him that you have absolutely no issues with it at all, and maybe throw some more alal play into your sexlife. Then drop the issue and don't force it and constantyly bring it up. You risk pushing him further into the closet.

Just play it like it's no big deal, it's very normal, and leave it at that. He'll come around to the idea on his own terms.

If only more guys learned that many, many women enjoy man on man sex, they'd realise that pleasure much sooner. My wife so enjoys it too.

Best of luck.

[open2both]

Z.,
You're a KEEPER!
Whatever you do, DON'T end up beating YOURSELF up for anything you're not doing "right" or saying thing "right" or not supporting him in a "better" way, or...
You're a GEM and help him with his "demons" but don't take everything on YOUR amazing shoulders.
Welcome to the sight!

[ubersmack]

Zamaria...

You completely rock.

I wish my wife was more open to the possibility.

I would give him as much support as possible without making him uncomfortable. It was a struggle for me to finally be open enough to myself where I could feel ok with being with another man.