A Broken Love

[darkeyes]

Today I learned that a great friend of mine, a bisexual girl, has seperated from her lesbian partner. I don't intend to go into any great detail but the seperation has been coming a while and has occured because of her inability to cope with the exclusivity of the relationship and her need for opposite sex relationships. The break up (a trial seperation but I know from experience what that usually means, although not always) saddens me but I have seen it coming for a while and I do hope that it isnt permanent. However it just seems to me that there are too many fundamental differences as to the couple's approach to their relationship. It may be that my friend, a good few years the younger of the two was not ready for the commitment which living with and then marrying her partner and the pressures their diferent sexualities would present.

I don't see it as a break up of two people because of a difference in sexuality.. I do see it as resulting because of a difference in that fundamental approach as to what exclusivity would entail. Both felt ready to commit and so they did, yet like with any relationships stresses occur within them which can make or break them. For now it is broken in part because one wishes to go out into the world through opening up the relationship and the other does not wish it. It has a kind of parallel in my own relationship with Kate, but Ive lived a little more wildly than my friend and been through so much more, and if I would prefer an open relationship I am mature and in love enough to accept that we are exclusive. It is in fact little different to a straight person surrendering "foot loose and fancy free" rights upon committing to another str8 person.. my friend just needs time to sort her head out and decide just where she will go and what she will do.

This is not, as another lesbian friend says a problem of or with bisexuality.. it is a human problem which can affect one or other partner in any relationship no matter their sexuality.. no matter how much we are in love, sometimes things exist within the relationship and ourselves which tear it asunder.. the relationship may be repairable, I cant say.. thats up to them and time. Mine, Kate and the kids love goes out to both, and both are welcome at our home at anytime, and trust and hope that whatever happens they can rebuild their lives somehow, and if their kismet is not in the end to be together in life, that they can remain the dearest of friends and avoid the bitterness of many break ups.. they have been through too much together to sacrifice friendship.

[MarieDelta]

It's hard when two people who care about each other have to go their separate ways.

However, as time goes on we may discover that we have needs that cannot be fulfilled in a certain relationship. This is true whether we a straight, bi or gay. It cannot be wished away, nor should it be ignored.

I am glad she was able to be honest with her partner about her needs. We all know how difficult that can be, especially if we care about the other person.


I hope that they will be able to remain friends, in the end.

[Realist]

I agree with Marie and appreciate the fact that you haven't taken sides.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

There seems to be alot of break-ups lately. Its sad, and scary too. Hope all works out for your friends, Sweetie.
Cat

[darkeyes]

Thanx Realist. Re reading my op in a way it reads that only one of these two frantabulous women are my friends.. it isnt so.. they are both friends and I treasure those friendships dearly. I wrote it as I did for have known one longer than the other and count her among my very closest m8s, but her sadly, now ex partner I have grown increasingly fond of after a difficult first couple of meetings. I have not taken sides, and both know that I, and quite a few others in our circle are there for them should they need us.. but for now, I think space is what they need more than anything. :)

[tenni]

"I don't intend to go into any great detail but the seperation has been coming a while and has occured because of her inability to cope with the exclusivity of the relationship and her need for opposite sex relationships."
"I don't see it as a break up of two people because of a difference in sexuality.. I do see it as resulting because of a difference in that fundamental approach as to what exclusivity would entail."

darkeyes
The question about exclusivity raises its head once again. This comes up frequently and you just know what my view will probably be..doncha darkeyes?...lol

The requirement for a bisexual to be expected to be exclusive regardless of the desire for whatever the opposite gender that the partner is, is perhaps at an important crux for bisexuals.

Are we attempting to live a myth that this monosexual "exclusivity" is the most healthy way to live as a bisexual? I think so. I won't say gay because some gay men reject this form of eclusivity while others accept it. A gay man however is not a bisexual who is dealing with different issues than a gay man. Personally, I'm not quite sure where I really stand on this for me.(that may seem strange based on my other posts). I suspect that everyone would like to believe that by being exclusive that we are really acknowledging our love for the person but that may just not be true for a bisexual or many bisexuals..or some. Certainly, it doesn't make sense or logical to me for a bisexual to expect this of themselves for their entire life. It may be a denial of our bisexuality to think that we can or even should be expected to act this way.

However, there do seem to be some bisexuals who are capable of being exclusive to one gender and one partner. Maybe, their bisexuality is of a form that is less intense than other bisexuals? They accept that they must pick one and society won't permit both. We state that we are sexually attracted to both genders as the key to the meaning of being bisexual. I think that I have not heard of a "test" that a bisexual may take to insure themselves that "exclusivity" will work for a bisexual for their entire life.

Your friend probably entered this lesbian relationship thinking that she would be able to do without opposite sex love making. It hasn't worked for her. I do not understand how you can therefore deny that it is her bisexuality that is at the crux of the break up. I suppose it might be stated that it is her partner who is unable to accept bisexuality and that yes one day her lover would feel the need to express her bisexuality fully. If her partner accepted this aspect of bisexuality, would there still be a problem? No, it is the exclusivity factor but I believe that it is different than exclusivity for desiring /needing to have sex with someone who is of the same gender as the lesbian partner.

I think that bisexuals needs to accept this about themselves and find some balls to state that this may happen. Be upfront and not ashamed if this "exclusivity" doesn't work for you. There is nothing wrong with you if it doesn't just as there is nothing wrong with you for wanting same sex love making. Bisexuals may not be able to live a happy life that is exclusive in the main stream society's definition of exclusive. Bisexuals may be wiser to state that they will be exclusive to you and not have sex with anyone that is whatever gender the partner is. If the monosexual can not accept this, then the bisexual maybe should not enter into a relationship with the monosexual.

I say that it is different... even though I may be the only one who states this.
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btw my dear darkeyes
"seperation" is that Scottish for the English "separation"?
...........(or much like the word "dilemma" that I switched letters on...lol)...Let's see now was it "Sit down girl!!! How do u spell separation/dilemma?? Now say it after me..s...e...p..a..r..a...t..i..o..n/ d.. i...l... e...m...m...a. Now see that pointie hat with the capital D on it.. put it on your bonce and sit in the corner on that stool and face the wall..."

so ok..darkeyes...hav'n a tease /giggle with ya...:bigrin:

[darkeyes]

You have me tenni... basic error.. and stupid.. I remember picking another member up about the very same spelling mistake a couple of years ago.. *smacks me hands and face*.. k.. 1 all..

Exclusivity and another's insistence on it is not something inflicted upon bisexuals alone is my point. Straight and gay people insist on it from their straight and gay partners.. it is a very human phenomena.. I did not say for instance that bisexuality has not played its part in the break up of my friends.. I do say however that it is not the crux of it.. it is the break up of two people with a very fundamental difference on how their relationship should proceed.. my point is that straight and gay people have broken up with each other for presicely the same reason. The fact that one partner wishes to pursue relationships with the opposite sex and the other does not wish it to be is exactly the same as if she had decided to pursue relationships with her own sex alone, or with both. There is no difference, save that she doubles her catchpool.. the principle is the same.. that is my point..

Exclusivity for whatever reason something some can and many cant live with. My entire being screams against it as illogical and unreasonable of one party to insist on another being exclusive to them.. whether they be heterosexual, gay, lesbian or bisexual.. it is something I live with and can cope with because my partner means much more to me than getting myself laid by any number of partners.. just how my friend copes with this sepAration (tee hee) remains to be seen.. but while her bisexuality may be a factor.. it is not the whole story.. exclusivity is a factor but that is not the whole story either.. the only two people who know what that is are my friends who are undergoing this awful break up.

Everyone who enters a relationship should never enter it blind.. they should realise there is a considerable chance of the relationship ending and that one or even both partners may stray the nest at some stage.. simply because my friend is bisexual does not alter that... what they are going through is a difficulty in which bisexuality plays its part, but the main issue is not that, but the difference in what they want out of the relationship, and what they are prepared to give. It is a human tragedy, not a gay one, or a bisexual one.. that one is gay and the other bisexual is merely happenstance.. the issues which separate them are also happenstance born out of them being different people with different views of the world.. what is going on is two people whose relationship is in difficulties because of very different human perspectives..

It is not tenni dear, the one not understanding facets of the other's bisexuality.. but one wishing to hold on to the other exclusively because she loves her and thinks that is how they should be, and the other finding the strictures of that exclusivity difficult.. it is a matter of human emotion and very human sexuality.. the actual sexualities of the two people involved as such are not important.. what is important is that those two people have a fundamental difference which impossible to resolve without total capitulation of the other.. any issue of exclusivity has that at its crux.. not the particular sexuality of the parties involved..

[NotLostJustWandering]

Fran, your point is taken about this not being something that only happens to bisexuals. However, I think you are sweeping under the carpet something you said very early in your first post. I add emphasis:


Today I learned that a great friend of mine, a bisexual girl, has seperated from her lesbian partner. I don't intend to go into any great detail but the seperation has been coming a while and has occured because of her inability to cope with the exclusivity of the relationship and her need for opposite sex relationships.

For those of us who experience bisexuality as a NEED for both genders, there is a special stressor built in to the traditional monogamous couple model.

[darkeyes]

Fran, your point is taken about this not being something that only happens to bisexuals. However, I think you are sweeping under the carpet something you said very early in your first post. I add emphasis:



For those of us who experience bisexuality as a NEED for both genders, there is a special stressor built in to the traditional monogamous couple model.

I havent swept it under the carpet at all.. but I do not give it the emphasis that tenni does.. for the principle of exclusivity does not affect only bisexual people in str8 or gay relationships..it affects people in all relationships irrespective of sexuality.. on the one hand a partner needs to have an exclusive relationship, on the other a partner needs to be free to have other relationships.. the sex of the people she may wish to have have relationships with is unimportant vis a vis the principle... thats why I say it is a human issue affecting those of all sexualities rather than a purely bisexual one..

[tenni]

"Everyone who enters a relationship should never enter it blind.. they should realise there is a considerable chance of the relationship ending and that one or even both partners may stray the nest at some stage.. simply because my friend is bisexual does not alter that... what they are going through is a difficulty in which bisexuality plays its part, but the main issue is not that, but the difference in what they want out of the relationship, and what they are prepared to give."

Good point darkeyes..but not the face...hand yes....hitting yourself on the face...NO....dear Fran. ;)

You know your friends and we do not. You are pointing out that there is a different expectation as to what each wants out of the relationship. What we do not know is what was the bisexual's position on this exclusivity as she entered the relationship? Has the bisexual just realized that this form of exclusivity is too difficult for her? She is not asking to be with another woman is she? It is a man that she wishes to be with sexually. In the reverse situation, we have several married bisexual men who post that their female partner has accepted their bisexuality and is willing to permit them a different version of exclusivity as long as they do not go with a woman with some "strings" attached to this permission. We also have many bisexual men posting that their wife will not accept their need for same sex experiences. This leads to the end of the relationship due to the monosexual's refusal to accept our bisexual needs that some of us have.(for some not all)

I think that all monosexuals need to be aware of the possibility that yes we bisexuals may "need" to be with a person of the opposite gender of the partner. You mention this as something all partners need to consider regardless of their sexuality. That is true but the bisexual creates a unique situation that a monosexual will not have to deal with. The bisexual may be able to deal with exclusivity as far as the gender of their partner and not the other option. What they may say before it happens may be different than when or if it happens. Dear Fran, as a lesbian, should bisexual Cuddly Kate come to you one day (maybe ten years from now) and ask to be with a man, how will you deal with it? Now, maybe this will never happen. Then again, if Cuddly Kate is bisexual it may. Who knows with your background that you have mentioned you both may take him on...lol(smack of my hand permitted :eek:)

PS
You should really be here to smack my hand from eating this left over Hallowe'en candy. You Scots with a sweet tooth do not have to deal with this cursed left over Hallowe'en candy temptation...oh I'm such a weak lesser mortal.:bigrin:

PPS
Is that Cuddly Kate coming down the hall to smack my hand for daring to raise such a point?

[AidanS57]

I agree with your take on it, Darkeyes. Not everyone of any sexuality can be monogamous and there are times when sexuality is not a problem at all, just sex. I have known people of all sexualities including many mixed sexuality couples. When it comes down to it you have to love and respect each other more than anything. Anyone can crawl into someone else's bed for a few moments of pleasure but take it from me it gets old fast. When you reach an age and look back and wonder just what the hell you were thinking. You're cold in the night and no one to warm you, you're lonely in the mornings with no one to wake beside. We all want that person who is there for us through everything some are lucky enough to find someone that won't mind our bisexual sides but some of the happiest bisexuals I know are monogamous and that to me is proof it can work if you care.

Best of luck to your friends.

Aidan

[darkeyes]

Kate knows exactly what my position would be should she ask me about opening up the relationship for us to explore further our sexualties (or very bit as accurately and probably more honestly, .. just to have some good raunchy fun).. and it does not involve me having owt 2 do with a man.. my history is my history and my present and future bear no relation and so has no pertinence.. I do not see the difference of which you speak because no matter our sexuality, we are as likely to stay or stray or be open or closed as anyone else.. sexuality and our capacity to be exclusive or otherwise to another person are the issues not the mode of sexuality..