Justifying one's sexuality

[gayle]

So many times I have read about bi people who are staying in the closet for fear that their straight partner will leave them. I seem to be in the opposite situation. My bi bf came out to me around February, although he'd given me some definite indications he was attracted to men in the past. I've done my best to accept his sexuality and have gone out of my way to learn more about bisexuality and trying to get answers to my questions. That's what brought me to this site.
Ever since my bf came out to me, he has adamantly insisted that I am bicurious or bi. I have repeatedly told him that I am straight. As many of you know, I did meet one woman that I found attractive. This has been the exception, not the rule in my life. I did have my first bi experience this weekend and I don't have any strong desire to repeat it. Once my bf learned about this, he acted like somehow I betrayed him by not being bi. I've never indicated to him that I am anything other than straight. Any "curious" feelings I have had have been more of an intellectual nature, wondering how it would work for two women to be together, or how it would work if one woman was eating the other woman's pussy while a man was fucking her. It's been a matter of trying to envision the positions that would make this possible. I am not a very visual person so I can't imagine these things. I have to see it or experience it firsthand to grasp it.
I'm very frustrated that my bf seems to think I have to justify being straight to him. Gee, isn't that supposed to be the accepted societal norm anyhow? I don't ask him to justify being bi. If he continues to insist on me justifying my sexuality to him, this relationship is likely to come to a screeching halt. Why should I have to justify my sexual orientation to him when I haven't asked that he justify his to me? It seems that if anyone has the right to feel betrayed, it's me! We came into this relationship with him allowing me to believe he was straight. It took him several months to admit to me that he was bi. But I haven't held that against him, so why should he continue to push me to be something other than I am?
Does anyone have any thoughts on how I might talk to him about this subject? It has become a very touchy issue. I would like to be respected for who and what I am, not to have someone try to change me. Is it possible he is seeking to justify his bisexuality by trying to push me into bi experiences and insisting that I am bi? :(

[allbimyself]

Gayle,

Sweetie I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. His problem could be one of many. It could be he's trying to justify his bisexuality as you suggest. Perhaps he's just being a typical man and wanting FFM encounters.

Perhaps he feels uncomfortable having sex with men if you aren't having sex with women.

He might also worry that some day you'll deny him his male encounters, which is less likely if you want female encounters.

Ask him why he so deperately wants/needs you to be bi. Until you know that, you can't know if your relationship has a future.

IMNSHO, the guy should be grateful to you for trying it and letting him be a part of that. Most women wouldn't.

Good luck,

Allbi

[Nic Kers]

No one should have to 'justify' their sexuality, it's a ridiculous concept, rather like having to justify why one likes sugar in their coffee or the colour blue!

Your boyfriend seems a little more insecure with his choices than you do with yours. It wouldn't surprise me if your relationship ended - unless he calms down about it. Ok, he's bi, you've accepted that, as has already been said a lot of people wouldn't. You have also been willing to try a 'bi experience' and right now, having investigated, it's not for you. So continue to excersise your choices without having to justify them to him or anyone.

Good luck

Nic

[Heartless01]

Gayle,

I think the first two responses you got here pretty much cover most of what I was going to say....

I have to agree that if he cannot simply accept that you accept his sexuality, you may have to reevaluate the relationship completely.

Stick to what your heart tells you.

Hoping the best...

:bigrin:

[bodeeoo]

I'm sorry that your feeling sad, and I understand that when someone wants to change the rules in the middle of the relationship it doesn't feel right. If the relationship can't take the idea that everyone has a right to be themselves, then I think you'll do what it takes to be happy. Good luck.

[Apleasureseeker]

This is a funny thing, and it may be age-related. When I was in my teens & 20s, I know a lot of bi & queer kids who were peerfectly comfortable with their orientation. I thought that they were pretty cool, since they'd gone through a traumatic self realization and become comfortable. It gave them charisma.

Since my late 30s, I've met people my age who are dealing with having to change an aspect of their identity that's been constant for most of their lives. It's way more traumatic, humiliating and difficult, since there's also not the kind of sexual reinforcement for 'whatever' that they'd be able to tap into if they were kids. Some women I've known have acted out in weird & innapropriate ways, even destructive & hurtful ways.
And remember, it's way harder for a guy. 'Lesbian' has stylish implications nowadays, 'gay guys' is still hairy legs in fishnets, and lisping voices. Having a bi girlfriend is an identity lifeline for him while he's out at sea. He may need to talk to someone professional to help him out. Very likely it's just an unpleasant emotional phase he has to work through. Don't forget what attracted you to him at first--it's still there.

[gayle]

Thanks for the encouragement and support. :)
Yesterday he wouldn't talk about it at all. We were pretty busy though attending his daughter's 6th grade graduation so there really wasn't much opportunity to talk. He did address me as "hello gorgeous" and told me he loved me.
Still, I'm feeling like this is going to remain an issue for me. It just seems so bizarre that he should think I need to justify being straight when I've ever asked him to justify being bi. I just accept that it is part of who he is, just as I accept that he has green eyes and salt & pepper hair. I just wish he'd accept me as unconditionally as what I have accepted him. Maybe we'll get the chance to discuss this both before & after my surgery (Friday, June 3). I hope to talk to him about it tomorrow night, but I may be too stressed out to deal with this. The surgery alone is stressful.
I never can seem to get past the fact that I love him. I just wish I could get him to focus on the fact that he loves me and to help him realize these other things aren't nearly so significant as the fact that we love each other. Wish me luck!

[Apleasureseeker]

Surgery! yuk. Hope it's nothing major. It never rains, but it pours, right?
Listen. Think forward to a time a few months from now when you have all of this silliness sorted out. Things are solid in your life & you guys are able to look back on this and see it in perspective. You'll probably see that these sensitive issues are like open wounds now, but that as they began to heal, you were able to discuss them at the right time. You're finally at a point that you're able to tease each other about it for laughs, since you have much better & more exciting stuff to share now.

This is really a raw topic right now for both of you. You want closure, you need to vent the pain, but it may be best to endure a little period of anxiety while you both heal a bit and have time to examine it all by yourselves, before you say things to each other you'll regret.
Sorry I can't give easier suggestions...

All the best,
pleaureseeker

[softfruit]

This is just a thought, but does he know (many... even any!) other bi people in real life?

It just strikes me that another reason he might be trying to pressure you over this is if he doesn't know other bi people leading a variety of lives. If you think all bisexuals are some stereotype you've picked up from the press and porn, then you might wind up thinking the only way you can be bi is if you're part of some complex, sexualised chain of people. Whereas if he knew a host of other bi folks and saw them living all kinds of sexual lifestyles from the media image through monogamous bi's to those who choose not to have sex at all, it might help to disassociate his sexuality from the way it had been shown to him.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not supporting his actions or saying the pressure he puts on you is right. But the best of us can do bad things when we're in particular spaces mentally or emotionally.

It can be hard when you come out to keep a sense of who you are. Think of all the gay men even now who become more camp / effeminate because they have come out and are trying to be themselves through the mask of how they perceive "being gay" to be from wider culture. Coming out as bi, there isn't really a received "how bi's look" but there is a received notion of what our sexual lifestyles are supposed to be like. Perhaps you're just catching the fallout of him trying to be a "bisexual"-ised version of his real self. If so, I hope he can find his way out of that stage in understanding himself before it rips you two apart :o/

[hypershot]

I know that when I came out as Bi to my GF, I wanted her to be Bi as well.

It feels more comfortable around people who are like yourself, I have found. You don't wanna be talking to them about something and they feel totally disgusted by it. It's a comfort thing.

Sorry if it sounded harsh Gayle...I just want you to see what his point of view could possibly be...

Anyway in the end she couldnt accept me and we broke up. So he should think himself lucky that you have accepted him.

[cutebi1975]

As a new member, i feel that putting my two-penneth in so early could be good to get to know people on this site. :)

I am bisexual and have known that since i was 23 (i am now 30). I had been with my boyfriend for five years and he was very understanding. We discussed how it would work and he was the one who suggested i have girlfriends, saying that he would never suppress that side of my sexuality. It took my two years to finally pluck up the courage to get involved with a girl, and when i did, i soon realised what i had been missing all those years. Yes, i wish i'd know sooner. I would have been there, done that before i met my hubby. But it didn't work that way, and although i had apprehensions about entering into polygomy, it just worked (and still does).
However, a spanner was thrown into the works when my hubby started to have feelings towards a male friend. The feelings were reciprocated and i know i pushed him on it, too much too soon so to speak. He is bi and accepts himself as such. But this does not mean he wants a relationship with a man. Sure he's had fumbles and kisses with men in gay clubs, but nothing more serious since the incident with his (now ex) male friend. You see, myself and my girlfriend tried to be supportive of him when he said he might be bi, but maybe we weren't. We kinda pushed him into trying something he just wasn't ready to try. I certainly feel that, in his own time, he may have felt more like me and wanted to be polygomous too. Now, the fact that it didn't work out with his supposed mate, plus the fact that he works in an environment where he wouldn't be accepted as a married bi man has made him draw his bisexuality into himself. He rarely discusses it, usually only when he's had something alcoholic! This really is my fault. I am terrible for trying to convince everyone that they're bi. I guess it's because i don't have any gay or bi friends and i long for them. Or maybe i'm just cocky and think everyone IS bisexual, to a certain extent. I dunno. I just know that, by your boyfriend pushing this, it can only make things harder for both of you. I suspect that he, like myself, longs for like-minded friends. Don't judge him on this, it probably isn't his fault. He may be so insecure about his being bi that he simply wants someone to comfort him, understand him like no-one else can and mainly he wants his partner to enjoy all that he enjoys. Yes, he is wrong, but i'm sure, in time, he will realise that no matter how much he pushes it, you will always be straight. Sorry for the long post, i tend to ramble, hehe.

[jo69guy]

I think cutebi made some good points. I am now divorced, but while married, I was out to my ex-wife. (I actually told her before we married.) She told me she was bi-curious, and while I didn't push her, I encouraged her to explore, which she never did.

She participated with me interacting with another guy a couple of times, and it aroused her beyond belief, but when I found my current partner/roomate/lover/etc., she totally lost interest.

I am now out to my family, and a few selected friends, but most people don't know about me. I don't think you need to justify anything, just try to continue to be supportive, and hope for the best.

I wish you the best of luck.

:2cents: