is it normal????? [Archive]

jewlz912

Apr 15, 2006, 4:43 AM

Sparks

Apr 15, 2006, 5:02 AM

My advice. . . stay within YOUR comfort zone and not his. If it's not what you want, or are ready for, tell him so. That's normal. :2cents:

Long Duck Dong

Apr 15, 2006, 5:03 AM

mmm jewlz.... hugs ya, congradulations on the new marriage

ok I am gonna be blunt and a lil rude with this reply, and its not intended to be hurtful in any way

1 ) if threesomes are not your thing and you have no interest in it.... don't go there... if ya partner is gonna push you to satisfy his desires, then you are gonna have trouble in paradise
males can be selfish in our desires at times, and we sometimes don't think about the impact it can have on our relationships and partners

2 ) having threesomes is not just a sexual set of acts.... it requires trust, honesty and talking, first between the partners about the threesome, then who the third person is and when and how to involve them

3 ) my fav suggestion for ladies that have partners that want them to be in a threesome with another female... turn to the male and say ok... but first you have to do a threesome with another male......~ grins ~ a lot of males freak over the idea of being with another male, but think nothing of having their partner with another female

4 ) think about what he actually wants with another female, cos if he is looking at sexual intercourse with you and then with another female... then I hope ya marriage is strong and stable.... cos something like that can seriously shake a marriage if you are not open to that type of thing

5 ) finding the right partner is hard.... its not a case of opening the phone book and ringing a random number..... you are bringing a stranger into you home, your lives and your bedroom.... so its two choices... one a pro cos they insist on protection and no emotional connections or two some body you both know, trust and feel comfortable with... and feel safe that its not gonna become a tanged web

Mrs.F

Apr 15, 2006, 6:32 AM

That was perfectly said...both Long Duck Dong and Sparks!! :) My husband want's a 3some also, although he's the one that is bisexual and wants a man to join us. I am NOT ready for it yet. I am not at all comfortable with the idea of sharing him or having to perform, because at this point I would be..I don't think I would enjoy it. So, to further on the advice so far....tell him to stop pushing, you are not ready. He needs to respect your feelings on this.

My :2cents:
Mrs.F :)

jazzer

Apr 15, 2006, 6:52 AM

Hi Jewlz congratulations and welcome to married life. I endorse many things that Long Duck Dong has said. You don't state your age but I suspect you are quite young and to introduce another female into your relationship at such an early stage is just asking for trouble. Learn to live and love together and then perhaps later consider branching out sexually if you are both in agreement. If you do, however, you should be able to have another man if he has another woman.
Sharing your spouse with another person can unlock some very deep emotions so be prepared to have the strength of your relationship tested. On the positive side threesomes can and do work with some people if no one gets too serious and they just have fun.
The third person should be a perfect stranger if possible, not a friend or workmate. What ever you both decide best wishes for the future. :)

ambi53mm

Apr 15, 2006, 8:36 AM

I'm newly married and my husband still wants to have a 3-some. I thought he would drop it when we got married but he still brings it up. Is the normal? How would I go about finding a woman to join us?

Hi Jewlz,

There are many life lessons that come along with marriage. The first of many that you may learn and should tuck away for future reference is that marriage does not always provide the changes in our partners that we may hope it will. There are many who marry young (and yes from this old man’s perspective 21 is young) that believe that this will somehow cure all the flaws or the basic personality of our mate. It doesn’t. Save this for future reference because it also applies when considering that, somehow having children
will somehow save a bad marriage. Life becomes a lot more complex with that addition .
Is it normal that he still brings it up? Without assigning a value to whether it’s right or wrong, I’d say yes it’s normal for the reasons stated above. If his fantasy of a threesome had vanished totally from his mindset then I’d question the normalcy. What’s normal for some may not be normal for others. Bisexuality could be viewed by some as being abnormal but for most of us on this site it’s normal.
I have enjoyed and continue to enjoy the experience of threesomes. The advice you’ve been given by those that have posted before me should be considered. I totally agree with Mrs. F’s view of not letting yourself being pushed into anything you don’t want or are not ready for. By the same token I encourage people to explore…carefully…it is how we grow…and sometimes experience is the best teacher.
Swinger sites offer the best potential for finding those who live a lifestyle where people participate in various sexual explorations. I won’t endorse the site I belong to but it begins with swapper which might give you access to a third person of either gender. I strongly recommend caution as mentioned. There are so many things to consider but with the right person under the right circumstances, it can be very liberating but it is certainly not for everyone.

Ambi :)

Driver 8

Apr 15, 2006, 8:52 AM

Is it normal that he still brings it up? Without assigning a value to whether it’s right or wrong, I’d say yes it’s normal for the reasons stated above. If his fantasy of a threesome had vanished totally from his mindset then I’d question the normalcy.
I'd add that it's normal to still have the fantasy, and it might even be normal to nag about it - but it's bad for your marriage to nag, and if that's what he's doing, he should give it a rest.

allbimyself

Apr 15, 2006, 9:04 AM

I think the OP did not give enough information for some of the advice being given.

Did you participate in 3somes before marriage?

If so, did you make it clear that you felt that after marriage it should stop?

I get the distinct impression that you had certain expectations about marriage and that he would automatically share them. This is NEVER the case. You have to communicate.

I'm sure you've heard the old joke: When a woman gets married she expects the man to change. When a man gets married he expects the woman WON'T change. They are both wrong.

True, it's a joke, but there's a lot of truth to it, or it wouldn't be funny.

Happy2rush

Apr 15, 2006, 10:55 AM

Wow. What a great series of thoughtful responses. I can only echo the sentiment already stated -- marriage, relationships, they are reciprocal.

Know thyself. Believe in yourself.

Mimi

Apr 15, 2006, 8:51 PM

kudos to all the replies on this thread!! i think there have been some great advice and thought-provoking questions. i don't even know if there's anything this therapist can add! :tong: maybe just to consider all the possible consequences of inviting a 3rd into a marraige, like would it create a rift between you and your new hubbie if he enjoys it too much, or YOU enjoy it too much?

if all else fails, trust your gut instinct.

mimi :flag1:

CountryLover

Apr 16, 2006, 12:10 AM

I'm speaking as the third in my threesome - my girlfriend is married and they invite me in every once in a while. We started as strangers and have become dearly loved friends.

I interviewed them carefully before even considering getting naked. It had to be HER idea, HER desires, HER needs being met, or I wasn't interested.

If I had met you and your husband, I would have run a country mile afterwards. YOU are not ready or willing and any person with ethics would not participate.

However there are people out there who would and who would do their best to end your marriage.

NWMtnHawk

Apr 16, 2006, 2:17 AM

Reading all the intelligent, thought out and healthy responses to this origonal post just reaffirms my reason for joining this site, it is without question the single best "Bi" site I've ever participated in, and there's been a few. Absolutely outstanding responses, well done guys and gals.

csrakate

Apr 16, 2006, 3:06 AM

I agree NWMtnHawk, the advice given to this poster reflects a genuine interest in her well being and the survival of her marriage. This site may not be all things to all people..but you can never say that the folks here don't care!

I applaud the advice given and ditto their remarks...ALWAYS be true to yourself and NEVER compromise yourself to make someone else happy.

Hugs,
Kate

jewlz912

Apr 17, 2006, 5:40 AM

i just wanted to say thanks for all the info it has help me get a little closer to making my mind up. For now I'm leaning towards telling my husband no.

Tx46M

Apr 17, 2006, 8:48 PM

anne27

Apr 17, 2006, 9:52 PM

i just wanted to say thanks for all the info it has help me get a little closer to making my mind up. For now I'm leaning towards telling my husband no.

Marriage is a partnership. Before you do something as risky to your relationship as a threesome make sure YOU want it as much as he does. Doing it to please him is not the thing to do. You may wind up with resentment, at the very least. Don't do anything without fully talking over all of your concerns with him first.

Hubby and I have played with others several times, but it's been when both of us wanted to do it. You should never be talked into something like that.

Best of luck to you, hon.