struggling with boyfriend's bisexuality

[straightlost]

Hello everyone...i'm new and needing some support and advice. My boyfriend of almost a year came out to me about 4-5 months ago. I am very openminded and big gay/lesbian ally but I guess I was more closeminded about bisexuality than I thought...never really bought the bi-reality and am having a hard time believing that he can enjoy sex with men but not have any "attraction" or romantic desires or relationship interest in men. or that he'll eventually have a desire to have a full on relationship with a man.

I'm also struggling with the feelings of insecurity of competing with a man and the thought of eventually having to share him. He has had sex with me in the past, but not while in a relationship and will and can forego that if that is what i wish while with me. But I can't trust that he can do this indefinitely or would want to. For now he says he is content viewing porn and online chat that stays strictly online along with using dildos. But I find I'm jealous of the chats and dildo...especially when he tries to have sex with me afterward...have the feeling that he needs those to become aroused enough to have sex with me.

Am i being too hard on myself and him or are these normal feelings. I love him and don't feel grossed out by the issue. but I do think one of the problems is that I associated sex with love and I feel he associates sex with fun. He also says he loves me. We've used the dildo together and explored fisting on him and he loves this but it doesn't fulfil my need for romance and that "lovey" feeling to get me "off"....i'm just starting to feel the resentment budding and don't want this to become a bisexual issue eventhough i know that is a part of it....

any advice????

[Cowboy51]

never really bought the bi-reality and am having a hard time believing that he can enjoy sex with men but not have any "attraction" or romantic desires or relationship interest in men. or that he'll eventually have a desire to have a full on relationship with a man.

I have learned that bisexuality is different for most. Some bisexuals seem to only want to find sexual connections, while others are looking for emotional connections or relationships. So it is very possible that it is only a sexual experience he is looking for.


I'm also struggling with the feelings of insecurity of competing with a man and the thought of eventually having to share him.

This doesn't sound like an issue with his being bisexual. This is something you two will have to discuss with each other, but I am sure there are some people here with more experience with these issues that could offer advice. I just wanted to point out that, in my opinion, this isn't really related to anyone being bisexual in the relationship. Of course I could be wrong.



But I find I'm jealous of the chats and dildo...especially when he tries to have sex with me afterward...have the feeling that he needs those to become aroused enough to have sex with me.

Jealousy, to me, comes from insecurities and you have mentioned being insecure. Again, something you two need to sit down and discuss with each other. I don't believe that he is using chat and dildos to become aroused enough to have sex with you. But that is my belief and since I do not know y'all or anything, I can not prove anything otherwise. I am speaking as a guy, and all guys are different, but it could be that he is so aroused after his chat and dildo play that he wants to experience the actual being aroused with you. He could always go and masturbate by himself, but instead he is sharing his arousal with you. That's a good thing, right? (I hope that came out right. Sometimes I have a hard time putting into words, what I mean.)


Am i being too hard on myself and him or are these normal feelings. I love him and don't feel grossed out by the issue. but I do think one of the problems is that I associated sex with love and I feel he associates sex with fun. He also says he loves me. We've used the dildo together and explored fisting on him and he loves this but it doesn't fulfil my need for romance and that "lovey" feeling to get me "off"....i'm just starting to feel the resentment budding and don't want this to become a bisexual issue eventhough i know that is a part of it....

I don't believe you are being to hard on yourself or him. You are just confused and this normal. Open honesty and communication is what I believe to be the key to any healthy relationship. There is nothing wrong with associating sex with love or with fun, but you two have to find a common ground. That is what my wife and I have done. We have a common ground where sex pleasurable and fun and meaningful (when we need it to be). We also communicate and are honest when it comes to what we want and need to "get off". I think if you two sit down and discuss your issues openly and honestly, you may find your answers. This worked for my wife and I. She was concerned I would like being with men more than her and would leave her. We discussed this at great lengths and now she knows, even though I like men, I will not leave her for a man. But we have an open field for communication and we have a lot of trust.

I hope some of what I said is of help. Again, you will find there are others here that can offer you better advice than I. Good Luck.

any advice????[/QUOTE]

[xxxbody44]

I am a bisexual male, older then most on here (68 years old) have been bi my whole adult life, gone through 3 marriages and a lot of girlfriends when I wasn't involved in a marriage.

I have never had a romantic attraction for men. Always pure sexual. I have always been up front with my female partners and it is never been a problem in those relationships where the female was willing to give it a try.

I have found (in my personal experience) that most women who are not bi do not want to get involved with a bi male. Most I guess for the same reasons you have expressed. I think thats why it is so important to bring the bi issue to the forefront before the couple go to the next stage.

Your question in one that can only be answered by you. Are you willing to give it a go and hope for the best? If your friend, boyfriend or husband is any thing like me and hundred like me, you want have a problem.

I wish you the very best.

[colobicouple]

You used three key words that I think should answer your question for you..."I love him". Because if that is the case you should accept his sexual needs as as an enhancement to your sex life with him, not as a competition. As in hetero sex, there are many variations and things we do to keep the spark alive and bi sex can be one of those. It goes without saying that we should only do what we are comfortable with but you can express your love for him by allowing him to be himself and accepting it. I have been married to a bi guy for 34 years and his being so is just part of who he is..the man I married. I am bi as well so perhaps my perspective is slanted but you can work this out if you give it a chance! Good luck to you both!

Sharon

[yesmaam69]

get involved! Don't sit on the sidelines while he plays with himself, join in.
talk to each other! find out his desires let him know yours. act out your fantasies, grow in sex together otherwise it will divide you and you will be miserible.

Open your mind to other things you may be suprised you may like it. :2cents:

[tenni]

You have received some good advice and thoughts already.

"I associated sex with love and I feel he associates sex with fun."

This belief is not exclusive to bisexuals but perhaps even more accentuated for bisexual men. As has already been stated bisexual males do not necessarily associate love with men. They have love emotion only with women. It is a purely physical interaction when having sex with another man. If your boyfriend has told you this, then as difficult as it may be, try to accept it.

Just as you may fall out of love with your boyfriend and in love with another man, it is possible that he may do that as well. In a bisexual's situation, yes it is possible for some fall for either gender. Your boyfriend has told you that this is not him. There are more than one ways to act on your bisexuality.

Try to develop an attitude that you do not need to feel insecure about his love for you. He can try to re assure you but jealousy is dangerous emotion and may indicate more about yourself. Are you also insecure if he goes out with the boys (hunting, playing pool, sports etc.)? Do you accept that people in a relationship can not fulfill every single need of their partner?

[DuckiesDarling]

Feel free to mail me, honey, I'm a straight women in love with a bisexual male. But I'll tell you something that might help right off, use the dildo's WITH him, make it part of a lovemaking experience you share and you won't be left wondering if he has to do that to be aroused enough to have sex with you.

See the thread Beautiful Love Making Vid (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10193) You'll have to scroll down to the post by Peg that posts another link for the video. I think you might understand a bit if you can see the love between that man and his wife.

[citystyleguy]

...as a bisexual man once married to a heterosexual women, there are issues, BIG TIME!; for me i never really got what i thought was a complete answer, but received some help and understanding from others here at the website, so you have come to a good place for your concerns.

as a bisexual man, i have never understood the sex interest only angle, but leave that to those that are oriented as such. for me, with anyone, i have always sought and achieved an emontional bond that found expression in a variety of ways. though my last two relationships overlapped one another, i never had issues with giving of myself fully to either, nor was there a thought of infidelity to either or a desire for anyothers. both knew of each other, both included wherever possible in any occasion and/or event, etc., though there was no overt recognition of the possible sexual bonds with my bf, nor seemingly any concern either, from my wife.

as to his sexual needs, as expressed by you, well they seem more of a desire for satistaction of a particular kind; i would suggest that these needs be explored separately from your concerns of fidelity, love, and sharing.

PM me if you want, i am happy to answer any questions that you may have; i only suggest this as it is very hard to answer or possibly understand fully any other conerns that might be of interest to you!

best of luck, :cool: