Telling The Wife Or Husband

[fredtyg]

I just posted this question in another forum but thought I'd ask the question here. I don't know if I've seen the exact question asked here before: Any good ideas on how you could bring out to your spouse (or significant other) that you're bi or homosexual without scaring or shocking them?

I ask this because of a question/ comment someone made in the Craigslist forums wondering what could be done to get "the conversation" going among spouses.

I know I'm lucky in the sense that I brought out my bi/homosexuality fairly early, but did it gradually by making suggestive comments over time that eventually made her aware of my sexual attraction to guys. It's not perfect as she doesn't know just how much I'm attracted to guys now, but she knows.

But what about guys like Danrambarmi that have been married for decades and the wife has no clue? We've seen his outing didn't work out well for him, at least so far. I'm wondering if there might be a scenario one could set up to bring up the issue where it would seem appropriate for the situation and wouldn't be as upsetting to the spouse.

Anyone out there have any success stories or ideas?

[Cowboy51]

I generally have a "Go Big or Go Home" attitude and approach to life and everything else. So for me, I came out to my wife with blatant honesty. I understand that this doesn't work for everyone. I didn't just throw it out there at random. I approached her and told I wanted to tell her something that has been on my mind and to get her perspective. For me, coming out to her was also me coming out to myself. To backtrack a little. I didn't know that I was bisexual or even curious. I had matured and outgrown my homophobia, but as far as I knew I wasn't into guys. I love to read Penthouse Letters & once in a while there are storiesof male on male, and I started to notice that I would get very aroused reading these stories. So I brought this to my wife, telling her I wanted her opinion on what it could mean. We discussed it at length and both decided the only way to learn what it meant was to explore the curiosity. She was concerned, but very supportive and we have discovered that male on male sex is a huge turn on for her as well as me. So in this instance, the go big mentality worked. Open honesty & communication, that's the key.

[fredtyg]

I didn't just throw it out there at random. I approached her and told I wanted to tell her something that has been on my mind and to get her perspective. /snipped/I started to notice that I would get very aroused reading these stories. So I brought this to my wife, telling her I wanted her opinion on what it could mean.

That's pretty much what I was asking, though. You didn't just walk into the room and tell her you were queer, come what may. You had an angle to approach the issue by that gave her time to ease into it.

I believe I've heard from others, here and elsewhere, that brought up the issue by watching bi or homo porn. It gave a husband or boyfriend a relatively safe opportunity to bring his interests up .

Say a couple are watching two guys having sex. If the gal seems to be enjoying it, the guy might say "That looks like fun", or some such. He's half way into admitting he's bi or homo right there. Going the rest of the way might not be so hard once you've eased into the subject.

But that's probably a best case scenario. I've chatted with some closeted married guys whose wives have no idea and those guys say, in no uncertain terms. it would mean divorce if they said anything to their wives about being bisexual. I'm not sure they have any safe way to broach the subject.

[tenni]

I think that Mikey has had a successful story about telling his wife about his bisexuality after having been married for many years. I know one difference between how he disclosed and how Dan disclosed but I will leave it to Mikey to tell his own story. I also think that Pasa seems to have been successful at disclosing his bisexuality to his wife after they married as well. It wasn't easy or easily accepted at the beginning from what I can recall though.

There is a difference between Cowboy's story and some others as he did not act on his curiousity it seems until after his wife had accepted his curiousity. It might be interesting to hear about how successful disclosure happened after marriage and after trying a same sex experience.

[fredtyg]

I think that Mikey has had a successful story about telling his wife about his bisexuality after having been married for many years. I know one difference between how he disclosed and how Dan disclosed but I will leave it to Mikey to tell his own story.

I know I've heard some others tell their stories but can't remember the specifics.


It might be interesting to hear about how successful disclosure happened after marriage and after trying a same sex experience.

Good point. My wife knows I've been with guys before. I'm not sure if she knows (or wants to know) that I've been with guys while we were married. She's never asked.

[Cowboy51]

Your right; even with my mentality of go big, I just didn't come out randomly and say, "Here is one for you, I think I am bi." It would be hard for me to fully understand the difficulties of coming out to a spouse. Like I mentioned, for me I was learning a new side of myself and to get a better understanding of this new discovery, I shared the discovery with my wife. I believe there is more to coming out to a spouse than just the approach, which makes it so difficult. I think the spouse coming out already knows what the other spouse's reaction is going to be, based on what they know about their spouse's beliefs on the topic of bisexuality/homosexuality. This is the main issue and what makes approaching the subject so hard. The idea you propose could work and probably has time and time again. I feel bad that, in this "modern" day and age, spouses still have to hide their true identities from each other. You post a good question and I hope we, as a community, can discover a way that could make the approach of the topic easier. I'm rambling, as I often do once I get started. I'll shut up now. ;)

[Cowboy51]

There is a difference between Cowboy's story and some others as he did not act on his curiousity it seems until after his wife had accepted his curiousity. It might be interesting to hear about how successful disclosure happened after marriage and after trying a same sex experience.

Yes, my experience was very different. I was learning something new about myself and decided the best way for me to better understand this new discovery, was to get my wife's thoughts about it. I didn't act on my curiosity until after discussing it with my wife, because I wasn't sure what my curiosity meant. My wife and I talked about it at great lengths and decided that it was better for me to experience a same sex encounter to get a better understanding if I was just curious or if I was indeed bi. After I was able to have a same sex experience, I discovered that I truly am bi. I have shared all the details with my wife and it has led us to learn that this is a turn on for her. It has opened many other doors to our sexuality. One where she loves to watch Male/Male porn just as much as I do, she loves to use a strap-on on me, and where she is very interested in watching me and another man together. But all of this is because I was open and honest at the start. (It also helped that she is bi-curious, too.) And, I seem to be rambling again. Sorry.

[fredtyg]

I feel bad that, in this "modern" day and age, spouses still have to hide their true identities from each other. You post a good question and I hope we, as a community, can discover a way that could make the approach of the topic easier. I'm rambling, as I often do once I get started. I'll shut up now. ;)

That was the crux of the comment made in the CL forum that brought up the question in my mind. It's really a shame that so many people are in intimate relationships but have strong desires they can't share with the ones they live with.

It's arguably the most important question in regards bi and homosexuality that we could ask here. We've certainly dealt with it generally and in relation to other issues but not specifically, as in what actually works.

Of course, what works will vary with the situation and the people involved. As noted already, outing oneself as bi to a wife without ever having engaged in homosexual behavior is one thing. Outing oneself with a homosexual history, especially if it is recent, might be entirely different.

There must be a few basic techniques for dealing with this that would help in most situations. But, sadly, with some couples nothing will work. I really feel for the guys I've chatted with that are completely closeted, very interested in sex with other men, but can't bring the issue out in the open with their wives.

Oh, and don't worry about rambling. I do enough of it, myself.

[Realist]

This is an excellent thread and everyone participating is doing a great job, too!

It's obvious that honesty and openness can be the best route. Honesty can be a downfall, too!

Case in point:

I'm afraid my actions were not implemented as thoughtfully as those above. In the past, I've lived a devious life, cheating on my second wife, of 23 years, with both genders.

I grew to hate myself, for what I was doing. Finally, fed up with myself and having never loved her, from the beginning, I decided that I would make the break and change my life.

When I met my 3rd wife, I told her in the beginning that I was bisexual and had experienced some mm and mmf relationships, but promised her I would not cheat on her.............. And I never did!

She had been raised in a very strict Pentecostal home and her mother was a Pentecostal preacher. I didn't push her to make a decision and it took her some time to figure if she loved me enough and trusted me enough, but she finally felt it'd be OK.

But, I'm telling you that some things are just too abhorant, or foreign, for some to accept.

For about 5 years, we did well, had fun, traveled and enjoyed ourselves. Sex wasn't bad either. I'd been tempted a couple of times, but resisted easily. I felt good about myself, too...I loved her and was happy.

But, the seed I'd planted, by admitting I was bisexual before we married, began to take hold.

Her mother really helped sour things, after my wife sat through more than one long sermon and diatribe about the evils of sexual deviates. (One thing I would not do with her, was to attend that church) Almost everything espoused at those sermons were skewed badly; it was ludicrous! Her mother's grasp on the subject of homosexuality and bisexuality was as far facts as could be.

That doesn't make a difference.... to my wife, those things were facts and nothing I could say would sway her feelings.

Things continued to deteriorate and within a couple of years, our relationship had gone beyond repair. This time, there was no cheating, still the marriage failed. There are some folks, who just cannot accept, or refuse to accept, anyone different.

In the end, she told me she still loved me but would never be able to accept the life I'd lead before we met...and that was it!

People so indoctrinated, won't, or can't, listen to reason...she could not see that we'd been good to and for each other.

I applaud your honesty and that you confronted your issues in a mature and successful way. I'm thankful that you are living with loving, understanding, spouses. However, there are those with whom this is too much to handle, so things don't always turn out as you wish.

I've been told that I gave her too much information....should have never told her I was bi. But, I didn't want her to find out from someone else that I had a bisexual past. I wanted her to have a chance to say yes, or no, and not spring the info on her, later.

Things finally worked out, though.

Thank God, in 2008, I found a wonderful bisexual girl, who accepts me and understands me....as I do her. I've been with two guys since we met, with her approval, but it's been over a year since I've wanted anyone but her.

How I wish I had met her years ago, but I will love her and cherish her, for as long as I have left.

[secret.bisexual]

Realist -- that's an amazing story. Thank you so much for telling us about your history. A very bittersweet tale. I really sympathize with you.

I am glad that you have found a partner now that accepts you 100% for who you are.

[ashleycd]

I was really nice and sweet for a week, then on a saturday night cooked dinner and got her a bit tipsy, then told her that night in bed I liked guys and dressing like a woman from time to time. she was cool with it. there was more drama than that, but not that night. I guess the point though is that you gotta give yourself the best odds for a positive response. catch your spouse on the right day, right time for sure.

[mikey3000]

I think that Mikey has had a successful story about telling his wife about his bisexuality after having been married for many years. I know one difference between how he disclosed and how Dan disclosed but I will leave it to Mikey to tell his own story. I also think that Pasa seems to have been successful at disclosing his bisexuality to his wife after they married as well. It wasn't easy or easily accepted at the beginning from what I can recall though.

There is a difference between Cowboy's story and some others as he did not act on his curiousity it seems until after his wife had accepted his curiousity. It might be interesting to hear about how successful disclosure happened after marriage and after trying a same sex experience.

Yeah, I took the "go big or go home" mentality and nearly ruined my life.

The wife and I were always homo friendly,though I really didn't have any gay inclinations at all. Then as I found myself increasingly surrounded by females, and the gay pride cable channel newly installed at home, I found the urges developing. Once I was able to get her to admit that she's curious about trying it with a girl, I came out as bi. What a disaster!!! She went running back into the closet where she remains today. WE had many months of tears and fighting and even talk of divorce, but we were able to work it out. She does understand me now, and why I am the way I am. She even lets me have a boyfriend and she and him get along wonderfully. But it was very close. I agreed to leave and put an end to the marriage if that's what she wanted, cause I was happy with myself now and wasn't going back. She did much research on her own and even sought councelling from a site similar to this one. Now it's all good and all three of us are very happy. I truly believe that she loves the BF too, and he loves her also. Recently when the BF and I had a big spat and I was ready to walk away, it was her who held my hand and talked me through it. God, what an angel I married.

[fredtyg]

I was really nice and sweet for a week, then on a saturday night cooked dinner and got her a bit tipsy, then told her that night in bed I liked guys and dressing like a woman from time to time. she was cool with it. there was more drama than that, but not that night. I guess the point though is that you gotta give yourself the best odds for a positive response. catch your spouse on the right day, right time for sure.

That's it, but you have to find the right time, place and circumstances. Unfortunately, for some couples, nothing works.

[ironwood]

Coming out to my wife was not easy.Th eway she found out was not the wya i wanted it to happen.The good thing is i did and it was a Huge widt of my shoulders.She was ok with me having been with men i th epast but want nothing to do with it right now.Who knowmaybe i the future she will come around .

[NjbiGuy01]

Coming out to my wife was not easy.Th eway she found out was not the wya i wanted it to happen.The good thing is i did and it was a Huge widt of my shoulders.She was ok with me having been with men i th epast but want nothing to do with it right now.Who knowmaybe i the future she will come around .

Same for me. I told her of my past early in the marriage. She was more upset I didn't tell her before, rather than after, even though she said it would not have changed her feelings for me. I still play on the DL, she believes our play (toys, strap ons etc) "keep me from straying", and I would just rather not get into confronting this stuff again. I do it clean and safe, discretely, and it hurts nobody. We have a great marriage, she knows I consider myself bisexual, and who knows, maybe in the future we'll revisit this. I applaud those who have a relationship where this is in the open and accepted. I can see how it could be a problem for anyone sharing someone with someone else. I had a female neighbor kiss me on the lips (I loaned her our extra car for a few weeks), and although my neighbor is just a friend, my wife made clear she didn't care for that ! I could only imagine going on a date with a dude or couple, and her having trouble with that.

[artsy girl]

I hear a lot of stories here close to my own.. cause i didn't figure out i was bi till a few years ago either. Never occured to me.. and funny enogh u would think me being a woman .. that my hubby would be ok with me fooling around.. but he's made it clear since i came out to him.. this is not ok with him.
It's a hard scenario either way.. cause u take a chance once u tell the spouse that they may be open to different things and they also may not. with me and my spouse i know we've talked about having threesomes.. but it just hasen't happened cause were both nervous of the doors that opens up and the effects it might have.
I'm not entirely open about my urges all the time.. but i do admit my attractions to women and my hubby also points out women to me all the time.

It just goes to show u.. doesn't matter if your the woman or the man in the marragie.. being bi doesn't always come with acceptance. Artsy

[citystyleguy]

mmh, sorry, but i am one for keeping people informed; doesn't mean that i need to stand on rooftops announcing to everyone on the planet, way tmi, but i am not denying, pretending, whatever, and my actions are the same!

i participate in a number of organizations locally, i actively support community actions, when in discussion with others they will be informed as necessary, as i am not in fear of anyone knowing.

having grown up in a family/community of denial/secrets, lived amongst those that choose to deny/not talk of things, or having been in intimate ltr's with the same conditions, i have an aversion for such actions, so i dont enter into any without the necessary understanding of the what, who, etc of me. myself, and i. anything less is not a healthy relationship.

so sit the significant one down, tell them it is time for no more secrets, and be prepared for what you may not want, but then be happy if it does turn out for the better; the siginificant other ALWAYS knows, so dont be fooled otherwise.

best of luck, :cool:

[justcurious4me]

Jeepers... Now that I look back on everything, I guess that it took time to make it properly happen... I have been married to my wife for the past 8 years. She is the most sweet, spirited and understanding person I have ever met in my life... My coming out to her ended up being more of a shock for me than it was for her... Let me explain...

My first and only same sex experience for me was when I was 12 years old at my best friend's house... His parents had gone out on the town before we came home from school... He asked me if I wanted to check out his dad's porn mag collection and me being the typical pre-teen said, "hell yeah!!!" Well, we were checking out the mags in his bedroom and one thing led to another and couple of minutes later found him going down and swallowing me whole!!!! My only reaction was a mixture of shock and bliss... I never expected it or saw it coming... I didn't stop it either... He never took me to orgasm, he stopped after about a minute or so... By the time he asked me to do the same to him, the horniness wore off and I got seriously scared... Neesless to say, I never followed through, never tried, and always regretted it...

About ten years ago, shortly after my first divorce, I had met a really wild girl that I ended up seriously dating... She had introduced me to sex toys and even assisted me with my first toy anal penetration... That session ended with a nice rain shower from the ceiling from my excitement and knocks and voices from the door asking us to quiet down... They could hear us clear on the other side of the dormitory... But the toy session got me hooked...

Don't worry, I'm getting to the outting part very soon... After I had gotten married to my current wife, I, like one of the other posters in this forum had gotten addicted to reading Penthouse Letters... I have a whole library of the books... But my favorite stories turned out to be the guy-on-guy stories... I thought they were extremely hot!!! One night I had gotten a little extra wild with the toys while my wife was in bed and I went for it anally... She was a little freaked out by it and asked why I did that... I just told her that it felt really good to me... She told me (at the time I wasn't sure if she was joking or not) that if she ever caught me with another man that she'd kill me (obviously the kill me portion she was joking)... Personally, she completely despises anal play and thinks it totally disgusting... But to each their own...

Anyway... Fast forward to about three months ago... Our sex life had hit the lowest portion of the dumps that the dump could drain you to (no sex in the past year)... We had had some serious fights about our sex lives... She was telling me that she never wanted sex, that she was starting to go through menopause... Yeah, that's a rollercoaster and a half, I'll tell ya... Well, I found out that she was lying to me about her activity in the bed... Thank God it wasn't with someone else, but she was going absolutely bonkers in bed with her toys... I have absolutely no problem with that at all, but when I would ask her about it, she would lie to me about it, saying that she wasn't... Well, one of her toys I liked to take orally while going at it with another anally... I guess the Bi-curious side was starting to really show... I had also started to get into watching some serious bi, orgy, MM and FF porn as well and she was noticing it... I was subconsiously dropping hints like mad to her... It wasn't intentional... I would just open myself up to what I liked.

Well, one day I had come home and was getting ready to have some toy fun when I noticed that the toys were all moved around (my way of finding out when she was playing) and the one toy that I was using orally smelled like she just finished using it anally (basically, she didn't wash it well enough)... This was of concern to me, it kinda disgusted me a little, but also made me a little hopeful that she might be starting to get into a little anal play herself... Something I had been trying to get her into for years... I had been pretty damn sure that that's what she was doing with it...

So, I decided to try to talk to her about it... Well, it ended up in a fight with her denying it and screaming at me about it... I stormed off hurt and humiliated and went into the shower, locked the door and started crying uncontrollably... Yeah, sometimes the truly passionate people cry, even guys, so sue me... Well, she came to check on me after about 10 minutes, couldn't open the door... I wouldn't unlock it either, telling her to leave me alone... She went and popped the lock open and came into the shower with me and was begging for me to tell her what was so terribly wrong... That's when I told her that I felt that I was Bi... She just held me in that shower for almost a half hour... Afterward, I felt really good about myself and with her...

She said that she had a strong feeling about that and was not shocked... After a couple of discussions on the subject, she said that she would support me considering she didn't have the "proper equipment" to satisfy my need... And set some terms for us to go by... She said first that I would wait until we returned to the states from overseas... I agreed... Then she said that she wanted to help pick someone out for me... I can understand that... She also said that she would rather me get into an LTR as that would be a more rewarding experience as opposed to a one nighter where I could get hurt... One stern stipulation that she demanded was that I ensure that our family comes first... I told her that I wouldn't have it any other way... My family is the most important thing in my life... She was definitely more understanding than I ever thought she could be... I love her dearly and would feel dead to the world if I lost her...

I haven't been with a partner yet... I have been feeling things out though with a couple of people... I will be feeling things out for a while, considering the circumstances that I have to deal with for now... But eventually I can be reasonably certain that I will have my wife's blessing, somewhere down the line as long as I keep communications open between me, my wife and whoever I end up becoming a partner with... My wife doesn't want to be involved in bed, but hopefully with a little bit of time and light persuasion, I might be able to get her to join us... All I can say is that would be the most mind-blowing experience in my life...

So for those of you out there that have questions about how to come out to their significant other... If you don't have the opportunity to bring it out, up front at the start of your relationship, don't fret... There's hope... Just ease into it over time and feel the waters... If you meet with hard resistance, you may have to consider other options... But above all else, be true to yourself and honest to your loved one...

[fredtyg]

I found this posted on a similar thread in the Craigslist forums:

"Honey, you won't believe this, I had a dream last night that I was having sex with the new man in the shop. I really enjoyed it."

I thought that an interesting way to broach the subject to a wife (or husband) that may not have a clue about your bisexuality. I'm sure some might consider it dishonest, assuming you had no such dream, but I'd just say it's another way of describing your interest in the other men.

It opens the issue for comment by the spouse. If she acts all repulsed about it, then you'll have to decide whether to pursue the issue, but at least you'd have some idea of how she feels about it.

[donnchristie]

I just posted this question in another forum but thought I'd ask the question here. I don't know if I've seen the exact question asked here before: Any good ideas on how you could bring out to your spouse (or significant other) that you're bi or homosexual without scaring or shocking them?

I ask this because of a question/ comment someone made in the Craigslist forums wondering what could be done to get "the conversation" going among spouses.

I know I'm lucky in the sense that I brought out my bi/homosexuality fairly early, but did it gradually by making suggestive comments over time that eventually made her aware of my sexual attraction to guys. It's not perfect as she doesn't know just how much I'm attracted to guys now, but she knows.

But what about guys like Danrambarmi that have been married for decades and the wife has no clue? We've seen his outing didn't work out well for him, at least so far. I'm wondering if there might be a scenario one could set up to bring up the issue where it would seem appropriate for the situation and wouldn't be as upsetting to the spouse.

Anyone out there have any success stories or ideas?

I told my wife before our first date, didn't want to be with someone that I had to lie to. Did she accept me for who I am, yes because she is now my wife.