Wish i could

[Emotional Masochist]

OK so first of all i know I usually only start a thread to complain or for advice, but well you guys are always so helpful.... So i hope you guys don't mind me abusing your kindness and gracious words of wisdom. hehehe

So my new dilemma is basically a huge amount of guilt towards the way i am treating my parents.... Well let me give you some background information..... So i have two older parents they are both about to hit sixty and well i am completely fed up with them.... Yea that completely makes me look like an ass hole but well its the truth. Ummmm basically im the youngest of two sons and my older brother is basically an idiot. He is sort of a leech and a lazy piece of trash, but he gets away with it because it is easier to let it slide then confront it for my parents. Or as they try to tell me it gets them no where. ANd i am not allowed to confront him about anything because we are not allowed to fight.... Well i can't bring up his name without getting in shit for trying to start a fight. Its sort of aggravating, but it had been sort of working out till this summer. I would help out at home and help my parents with the family business and what ever they needed. But my mom went on vacation this summer (originally supposed to be my vacation which turned to our and then to hers due to financial constraints) for two months and asked me to help my dad out while she was away which i originally declined because i wanted to go on my vacation. Anyways after i decided not to go and instead help finance my mom's vacation (she lost her job due to her warehouse closing down) I agreed to help out if and only if my brother agreed to help out as much or more then i did. my mom agreed and set it all up and i sent her off everything went well for the first week or two and then i found out it as a lie my brother wasn't helping out my dad was doing it all on his own and i was stuck losing most my week and weekends helping him. The other thing i forgot to mention is that my mom made me promise that I wouldn't fight with anyone while she was gone (smart move). Anyways lets just say my summer wasn't very fun. I had also agreed with them that after she got back i was going to stop working with them and focus on my own future and plans(yea I'm trying to head back to school and want to clear my debts before i do).

So basically you guys are now caught up with the past, now let me explain the problem. My parents are basically emotionally killing me. Like yes i am very resentful of the fact that my summer was stolen for me and yes I am very angry about the fact that none of my issues from the summer have even been acknowledged, but now they are emotionally draining whats left of me. They are demanding and pushy and i am enjoying my new found friend the word "no." But after i say it i always feel guilty. They have been trying to guilt me into helping them at work and other bullshit, but right now i don't care and i don't fee; the need to help them. I am constantly getting angry for stupid things and snapping at my mom especially. Which is very weird cause i am usually very ummm easy going with my mom. Like i am usually very happy and calm with her but now i cant stop getting angry at the little things and its driving me insane. Like me and her are usually very close, but now i just feel like i am pushing her away and i can't stop. i don't know what wrong, but i am not myself. I am just not the same not since she came back. It might have something to do with my breakup which happened the day she got back so yea... but i think its just a sort of inner issue with her. I don't know but..... I don't even know what you guys can say to this just needed to get it out somewhere. I just hate being this way with her. Me and my dad don't get get along either but that has been going for a while. But the thing with my mom is worrying me cause this just makes it so i am alienating myself from the rest of my family. She is sort of my only real connection. Me and my brother are sort of starting to get along, but i know better then to let him in any closer then i have to.....Its just weird to have her so far away. she is normally my confidant and without her me is just falling apart faster...

[DuckiesDarling]

Okay a few observations. You say your parents are emotionally killing you, well sorry with the screen name it looks like that is what you live for, the emotional pain.

Your guilt is because parents know how to tug the apron strings on your heart because they put them there to begin with.

You need to stand up for yourself but also be truthful with yourself. There is an old saying that you have to take care of you first or there is no one to take care of the rest of the people you care about.

I'd say you need to start being a bit more independent and start that by trying to find a place to live that isn't your parents house.

Reconcile your feelings with your brother, I'm in the same boat. I have a little brother that while I love him, I do not like him. He's a liar, a thief and a meth addict and currently in jail where I put him.

There comes a time when every person needs to learn to stand on their own two feet, you are finding out that your time is now.

Good luck.

[Realist]

DD's got some excellent advice, there!

You didn't say how old you are, but I understand where you're coming from. I won't tell you what to do, but I was in a similar situation and this is what I did: My parents never wanted me to leave home. They thought I'd work for them, for very little, or nothing, for the rest of my life. They tried to make me feel it was my obligation to pay them back for raising me....and that worked, for a while.

Although, I hated my dad's business, he ignored my wishes and made plans for me to be with him forever. As soon as I graduated from high school, I joined the Army and got the hell out of Dodge. I could have just as easily gotten a job, since anyone who wanted to work back then, could find a job. But, I wanted adventure and to go to Europe. There, as far as I could get from home, I had the time of my life and learned to stand on my own two feet.

For me, I felt my only recourse was to leave and be my own person....free from their influence. I'm glad I did!

You should do what you feel is best for you. For me, one of the happiest days was when I realized that I only had to answer to ME, from then-on!

[bityme]

OK, I'll risk being called a dime-store psychologist. You seem to have a few issues a play here.
1. You have parents who put together what seems to be a family business, but neither you nor your brother appear to desire carrying on the tradition.
2. You are competing with your older brother for your parents approval and affection.
3. You feel that your relationship with your mother is breaking down.
4. You don't have a good relationship with your father (I won't address this because there is too little information.).

THE BUSINESS: Your parents still see you as someone to take over the business and ensure their retirement. Your brother has apparently decided against it and according to you your parents' talking to the brother "gets them no where." Decide what you are going to do and give your parents a plan for your life, then carry it out. If you aren't going to take over, help them get things set up so they can sell the business when they retire or they can have others operate it for them.

COMPETITION WITH YOUR BROTHER: Regardless of how much a flake you think your brother is, you still feel he is besting you in the eyes of your parents even though he is obviously less helpful than you are. This is supported by the fact that your parents don't allow you to confront him. You need to stop comparing yourself to your brother. If you are going to help, then help them, but don't make your help conditioned upon what others do. It is next to impossible to manipulate someone through a third party. It is extremely doubtful that you can manipulate your older brother by using your mother to set him up.

RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOTHER: You are blaming your mother for your lost summer. You feel she lied to you about your brother sharing equal responsibility for helping your Dad out while she was on vacation. You need to discuss this with her and settle this issue. You were wrong in making her promise something she had no control over (your brothers performance) and she was wrong in telling you she set it up when she had not. Make-up, forgive each other, and don't make future commitments conditioned on your brother. You will end up with an even stronger relationship with your mother.

I did not consider your break-up due to a lack of facts. As presented, it did not appear to have a connection.

There is my dime-store psychologist opinion. By the way, while I do have a Ph.D. in humanist psychology, I am not a practicing therapist.

[Realist]

I'd say that went beyond being a dime-store variety of responses. Nicely done!

[AidanS57]

I'd have to say I just agree with the above replies.

[Emotional Masochist]

The business in its self is dying out. Its more like my parents are contractors and use me as free labour to help. And yes it was probably a mistake to use my mother to set up my brother but it was the only way to free up any time at all for myself. See originally i was supposed to do it all and i refused. She complained and as a compromise i offered this solution.... i don't know

The thing with my brother goes far and deep. I'm just 5tired of being compared to him. Either i am as useless as he is or worse because if i don't help who will. And it goes beyond my immediate family. He is sort of viewed as man who can do no wrong. He just has that personality where everyone likes him and he uses it. My parents don't help the fact by always defending him. yet they won't defend me..... that's another issue. I found out some stuff recently which sort of bugs me but can't do anything about it cause i don't have enough information.

Anyways i have given up on dealing with them for now. And moving out on my own is a great idea. In fact i was supposed to be gone three years ago, but a promise from a friend and a lot of "tugging at the heart strings" ended all of it. but i am there again. I want to move out. And have set a plan in motion... I want to go back and finish college first and as soon as i get out i am out.... so another two years of hell, but it will be worth it. I just don't think il end up going back to school again if i leave now..... ahhh

I don't know it will work out somehow life usually tends to do that. Me is just going to keep walking forwardand see where life takes me. oh and i"m 22

[mikey3000]

How refreshing!! A real personal issue.

Firstly, let me say you are not alone. I'm 41 and still have parental issues. I was always compared to my older sister and sometimes still feel that animosity. She dropped out of highschool and I put myself through college. Not good enough. She turned to the streets and I went to rescue her (not good enough). She marries the cop who busted her for prostitution and I marry my highschool sweetheart (not good enough). Nothing I ever did was ever good enough for my mother. Then I realized somethig. I let myself become too close to my mother all along.

My mother was widowed at a very young age. My dad died when I was ten and I instantly became the man of the house, and I fell into that role at a very early age. I missed out on so much in life. I couldn't go away to school as I wanted cause it would leave her alone so my extended family discouraged it. My social circle included my mom. I quickly fell into the role of being her surogate husband, her equal, her peer, her partner in life. And it has had a huge negative impact on my life. Some days my resentment towards my mom is overwhelming, so I know of where I speak. And now because of her poor health, she is back in my home. I get no help from other family members at all. I'm what you call the sandwich generation, looking after an elderly parent and a young family of my own.

Take everyone's advice above and make the break as soon as you can. Get out from under your parents' thumb and start living your own life as you see fit. Run away if you must, just go live your life.

BTW, I'm still debating whether to go all out in the disappointment dept. and tell her I'm bisexual. The homophobic ol' bitty will have a stroke. LOL, the best part is that she has already met my male lover, just doesn't know it yet.
:bigrin: