Sexual Fluidity

[IndyBiFun]

I've read about and hear quite a bit lately about "sexual fluidity" and I find it interesting.

It's been connected more with women but the jist of it is that as you age you become more aware of your true inner feelings and orientation.

I think the same is true with guys too.

I began questioning my sexuality when I was in college but kept ignoring that little inner voice. It wasn't until later that I finally stopped and listened. As I get older I find that I am indeed discovering my true sexuality.

How many others have notice an awakening or a stirring or whatever as you become older and wiser where as when you were younger you had no idea?

[fredtyg]

It seems many guys in here, myself included, became more comfortable with their homosexual feelings as they grew older.

I've been sexually interested in guys since I was quite young. When I got into my late teens and early 20s, I had some pretty serious periods of homosexuality but social and peer pressures gave me a pretty strong sense of denial and the homosexual part of me was suppressed.

In the ensuing years I seemed to bounce back and forth in my interests between men and women with long periods where I stayed away from guys because I'd keep telling myself I wasn't queer.

It wasn't until later in my 30s I had sex with a man and I felt good about it. I might of even labeled myself bisexual around that time because I knew, and was comfortable, that I enjoyed having sex with both men and women.

Then, later in my 40s, I went even further I realized just how much more I enjoy being sexual with men and became open and active about it. My sexual interest also shifted pretty much exclusively towards men around then and that's where I am today.

[bityme]

Researchers and writers in the area of human interaction often come up with new terms to describe their observations. I would suggest that this "idea" of "sexual fluidity" is just the coining of such a new term.

Observationally, I think what we are seeing is a reaction to society's expanded acceptance of various lifestyles. Individuals who are interested in and experiment with alternative practices and lifestyles today are often taking the step because they now feel that their actions will be accepted now. They may have had the same thoughts and desires 40 years ago, but the social pressures were such that they refrained from experimentation because of societal disapproval.

Greater acceptance of alternative lifestyles, the fact that we seem to become more tolerant with age, and the desire to do all the things we can on our own "bucket list" all contribute to what is perceived as greater percentages of participation when, quite possibly, the trend is only that it is more open, not that there is, in fact, a greater percentage of participation.

[Volley]

It seems many members, guys & gals here, including me, have become more comfortable with their bisexual and or homosexual feelings as we grew older.

I've been sexually interested in males since I was young (teens and possibly pre-teen). When I was in my late teens and early 20s, I had some intense homosexual fantasies and a few homosexual expierences. Various social and peer pressures put me denial and the homosexual feelings were suppressed.

As the years passed I played the straight man marrying and raising a family. Still having fantasies and interest in male to male intimacy, while remaining faithful in my marraige.

Then after a bitter devorce I allowed myself to expierence what I had longed for. In my 40s I had sex with a man and I felt very good about it. I too bounced between intimate relationships with mostly women and some men with periods where I shied away from men, telling myself I was not a gay man. I hadn't yet labeled myself bisexual or gay even though I liked having sex with both men and women. Now I realize just how much I enjoy being sexual with men. But I was still not very active or open about it. Now, my sexual and emotional interest seems to be primarily towards men with some mild interest in women.

Now I can admit to being bi-sexual and could settle for one gender or the other. What my future hold I do not know. Not being in a relationship will allow me to explore my feelings.

[fred fencesitter]

I was aware of desires for both sexes from my teens. Most of my crushes were on females (and were almost always thwarted), but I had fantasies about males as well. In my college years, I had my first relationship with a female (which was great fun physically, but kind of screwed up emotionally), followed by my first romantic attraction to another male.

I felt my curiosity about males growing in my twenties, and I ended up having a very emotionally satisfying relationship with an openly gay man. I came out to many people as gay and lived a gay life for several years, all the while still being attracted to women. (For the first time, I discovered that there were people in the world who found me attractive, and wanted to have sex with me).

By my mid-thirties, I felt my desires for women growing, to the extent that i had very serious crushes on two female friends. I finally realized that I wasn't gay, I was bi, and I needed to pursue relationships with women. Which I'm doing now, to some success. Among other things, I've realized that I *love* having sex with women.

So I've experienced a lot of fluidity over time. I have no idea what might lay in store for the future so maybe a very long-term relationship isn't a great option. I feel like I'm running out of labels!

[fredtyg]

By my mid-thirties, I felt my desires for women growing, to the extent that i had very serious crushes on two female friends. I finally realized that I wasn't gay, I was bi, and I needed to pursue relationships with women.

Hmmm...That's kind of the opposite of my experience and kind of makes me wonder: If I was able to pursue my suppressed desires for men when I was younger, I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up pretty much leading the gay lifestyle. If that had happened, would I have turned 40 and started looking at women again instead of men?

No way of knowing for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised.

[softfruit]

I'm not sure it's that we find our 'true' sexuality - perhaps more that it can shift and evolve over time.

Regardless of the gender, over the years what kind of relationships I want, what kinds of sex I want, how much sex, what level of closeness, have all changed over time. We do (as a culture or society) seem to get very hung up on just the gender aspect of all that!

[Plumhead2]

I wish society would celebrate sexual fluidity rather than trying to put people in a sexual category for ever. I love the fact that at times I thoroughly enjoy sex with women and other times I find myself aroused by the thought of having sex with a man (I haven't had sex with another man yet, but am mightily curious). My "objects of arousal" can change hour to hour. With a woman, I seek sex and love. However with a man, I only would seek sex. I think that I am only fluid in terms of sex, not in terms of a romantic relationship. That sexual fluidity is something that I enjoy.

[NotLostJustWandering]

I've been unashamedly aware of my attraction to both genders as long as I've felt sexual feelings -- I think this started at the age of 11 or so, but I remember writing a story at an even earlier age that had bi content.

The question of how to live out these desires, on the other hand, is something that I am still figuring out. I have experienced my sexuality as a pendulum: there have been years I was exclusively homosexual in my activity, and years when I was exclusively with women and hardly thought about men.

How to have long-term relationships knowing that the pendulum might swing back the other way has been a daunting challenge. I figured out 10 years ago that I could not be happy living without women, and I broke up with the man I'd been with for two years and was still in love with (and [sigh] probably still am). Now I've come to doubt that I can commit monogamously to a woman, either, so I'm investing my hopes in forming a triad or quad with a man and a woman (and, possibly, a second woman if the first woman is also bi.) It's complicated, but I don't see how else to reconcile my desires for both genders -- which are about emotional connections as much as sexual desire -- with my need for a stable, committed relationship with a foundation of honesty and trust.

Unlike a lot of people here, I do not consider cheating or having side affairs an acceptable compromise. I have regained a lot of self-esteem here. I may be single at 42, with a tough row to hoe ahead of me, and no doubt there will be couples in my future who will put my heart through the wringer to a degree that will make my previous romantic tragicomedies look like a walk in the park... but at least I can say that never in my life have I cheated on a lover or failed to disclose the truth of my sexuality from the get-go.