BF BUSTED! Discovered online chat - HE'S BI - NEED ADVICE

[Morgana]

Doesn't want me 2 leave im devastated & confused. We recently became engaged, he told me after the bust that he's been desperate to confess. Maybe I wouldn't have been so shocked because him being bi isn't really the upsetting part for me - I could have worked that into our relationship - it was deceit & the fact that his online chat was him organising to meet a complete male stranger for sex while I was at work. Its not a case of him wanting to explore his bi sexuality he has been having encounters with men while we have been together. No one close to him knows about his orientation, just me now.
Would like people with similar experiences to help with advice or bi men to help me deal with this.
Thanks ever so much...

[diB4u]

aww hon sorry to hear that.....

[Riclv1]

hi,

I suppose the "upside" is you now know and not 2 , 6, 15 or 20 years into your relationship. As it was for my wife and I. 26 years to be exact :) The problem is WE hide. Cheating and lying our way through it all, not really thinking of the other person (you). My advise would be to put your plans of marriage on HOLD! There are many things that must be worked through for both of you. He needs to look within himself to begin to understand his behavior. The "hooking up" in secret, hiding. Bless you for getting on this site and reaching out. Good for you. My wife and I are going on two years into our journey. It takes a lot of courage to look inside ones own self. This isn't just about sexuality. It is also about love, fear and forgiveness. I wish you both healing for yourselves and each other.

[abstruse_ric]

My advise would be to put your plans of marriage on HOLD!

Ditto on this. You should ask yourself what you expect your marriage will look like down the road if (when?) this happens again. And you need to consider your boyfriend's behavior not only from spiritual and physical perspectives, but also the more mundane but no less significant medical and financial implications.

[Realist]

Morgana, I have an embarrassing confession to make; as one who has done the same thing in the past, I know that he has probably dealt with a lot of guilt over his actions and may even be relieved that he was outed.

You are both young and maybe you can recover. Whatever you do, I hope it is truly in both of your best interests to do so. Love can conquer some awful obstacles.

But, in my case, over a 23 year period, I had told so many lies to cover up my deeds, that I lost track of what the truth actually was. I was continuously looking over my shoulder, expecting to be caught every time I went out. When the burden got too much for me, I "fessed up" to PART of my infidelities, but it was too little too late. Our relationship was in such turmoil, that I doubt if anything could have saved our marriage. The trust was gone with and only herculean efforts, on both our parts, could it be saved.

Although, my next marriage failed, too, I did not ever cheat again. Actually, I had never cheated on any relationship before then, either.

Only YOU can know what is right for you to do. There are those, here, who have lived through the same thing......some survived and some didn't. Maybe some of them will say what they did.

All of the advice in the world can do nothing, but let you see how others dealt with this situation. Do what is best for you and no one should fault you for your decision.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I'm sorry to hear of this, Girlfriend. Lying and cheating are Never alright, but let me play Devil's Advocate for a minute here. Maybe what he was trying to do was have one fling and get it out of his system for a bit before telling you. It happens. Maybe he was going to tell you before you got married, maybe he wouldnt've. Its a crap shoot.
And on the other hand, how did You find out about the ad? Were you on his computer looking around at what he looks at? That happens too, and thats called Snooping.
I hope both of you get this worked out, and remember: Trust runs two ways.
Cat

[BareHunter45]

Morgana,

As a bi male who recently came out to his wife, I can speak with experience. I am one of the lucky ones in that she has accepted it, but it took a great deal of discussions (and I am good at explaining...she was good at trying to understand too).

He probably couldn't tell you because he couldn't admit it to himself. My wife and I have been married for almost 25 years. I had acted on the bi interests as a teenager can't remember the real age, but when the sexual urges started). It was with a friend who was equally horny and we talked about shared precious pron, and eventually masturbated together. I belive if we had ready access to women, it may have turned out differently, but like virginity...once that aspect is breached, you can't go back. We had heard about blow jobs and they grossed us out...I remember getting plastic baggies to put over his cock so we wouldn't be get cum in our mouths.

We knew then that we couldn't tell anyone and no one could catch us...we had to be very very discrete. The stigma attached to being gay (we had no concept of bisexaulity). We were very young and this was in the mid 1960's. We thought it was bad. I also remember asking him if he was still doing it or doing it with others or thinking about it....Like drug addicts that are trying to quit the habbit and checking on each other. If that rumor had gotten around then our lives could be ruined.

I repressed it for years....quit so to speak. I now had a girlfriend and was trying to be true to her, including not accepting those bad thoughts I had. If I had them, I kep them to myself and no one else knew...NO ONE. The thoughts were still there. I found cocks and cum intriguing. After graduating from college, I was going to graduate school in the city. I was still single. I am not great looking and I didn't like seducing women in the sense of doing or telling them what I had to in order to get into thier pants. I couldn't treat other people that deceptively. I was still horny. On the way to school, I passed an XXX rated book store. I decided to stop in and watch a movie. I found out more happens there. I was trying to be discrete so I went into a booth...It was private...no one could see me and I could watch what I wanted and no on knew. (I was not and never really have been turned on by gay porn and I watched straight porn). I also decided no one could see me jerk off, so I pulled out my cock and had a wonderful time. I went a few times and one day I went into one that had a hole in it, but didn't notice it until after I had my pants around my ankles. I saw some movement and I looked down and saw a finger in the hole beconing me to come closer. I peered in and he said "stick it in the hole". I was horny and mesmerized...I put my cock close....he reached his hand through the hole and stroked it. I was very very hard. It felt very good. I had no idea what the guy looked like on the other side. I didn't care...all I could feel was what was happening to my cock, and it felt great! (Remeber this was LONG before HIV/AIDS). The worst you could catch was some VD, but I was scared to death I would get that. He pulled me closer, but I got scared and left. But damn that felt good. For a long time I said I can't do this...this is wrong. I didn't go back...but I thought about it. It felt good and it was so easy and available.

Finally, after months, those thoughts got the best of me. I went back...I guess the horniness got the best of me. This time when the finger came through the hole...I inserted my cock. OMG that was the best feeling I had ever felt. To have your cock caressed with a tongue from someone who was very good at it AND wanted to do it....they loved it. This was not something done for your birthday or because you begged. They WANTED to do this. I had the most intense orgasm I have ever had....my legs were shaking and I could barely stand up. He also didn't stop when I came, like prior women did...he swallowed and caressed my cock while the orgasm subsided. It was awesome!!

I was now hooked. This was easy sex...practically available whenever I wanted and it was cheap...A few quarters for an intense orgasm for something I couldnt get anywhere else. I still felt bad, but hey...if some guys wants to wait in a booth just to suck my cock...what's wrong with that...I am only giving him what he wants, and it feels good.

I was worried that I would see someone there I knew, or that someone would hurt me (i.e. extinguish their cigarette on my cock). It was morally wrong too. Then I met a woman (later who would be my wife) and I wanted to be careful that I didn't catch anything and give it to her. I stopped going again...

I was getting sex on a regular basis. I was in a committed relationship. I was still going to school (I was on the decade plan). Thins were great but something was still missing. Our relationship changed. Mostly due to being married. She was less interested...I think she was bored and the sex decreased. That is not a reason, just a statement of fact. I was still horny....very horny. I had not experimented much earlier other than described above. I had only been with a few women prior to this. Once as I passed the same XXX rated book store and decided to swing in...I had no intention of doing anything other than jerking off (she did not let me keep porn at home). Then it started again...I was week and thought it wouldn't hurt. I rationalized it. Women didn't understand...this had nothing to do with love...this was sex. I didn't want to kiss the guy or go on a weekend with him. I just wanted to bust a nut and leave. That is what I did. I was till concerned. I wanted to run for politics, I had a security clearance...If anyone found out I could lose my job. The urge was that strong! What if my wife found out? She was anti-gay. Think she would understand? I don't think so.

Let's take the other side for sake of argument...let's say I told her and was completely honest. Honesty is the best policy..right? We always used to say...the only well kept secret is the one that only you know. As soon as you tell someone else, it WILL get out...sooner or later. She talsk to everyone. She had told her friends and family about other private aspects of our life. If I told her, would she understand? WOuld she tell anyone else? Will she go to them crying and tell family and friends? My guess is...no she would not be undertstanding and yes she will tell. Since she has found out here (in a similar manner), she has told people I wish she wouldn't have, but it is a little more acceptable and the older I get the less I give a shit.

Why did I go into this detail (and I apologize for being graphic). These are my opinions: This is something you could not provide him, and it makes you no less of a woman as a result. He probably couldn't admit it to himself. For YEARS I was in personal denial. He is not sure you would understand and he had so much to lose if you didn't. This is especially true because you might tell someone else. The only way to keep that from happening is to tell NO ONE. Keep your mouth shut! That is exactly what he did...out of fear...tremendous fear. Is that right...no, but don't be so hard on him...he has so much to lose and if you do not accept it and try to understand that aspect too...his fears have just been realized...he was right (for different reasons...but he was right).

Good Luck! It is not an easy road. I am lucky...she listened to me and I can play with her permission and she knows where I am BECAUSE...now I CAN be honest with her.

Bill

[tenni]

I think that you are writing a mixed message and that may be due to shock about your relationship being something different than you thought. You write that you could have worked his bisexuality into your relationship if you had known. Now, you do know. Think about what you are going to do to work his bisexuality into your relationship. Don't dwell on the point that he was with a man(men) if you want this relationship to move. Are you willing to permit him to continue having sex with men as well as you? Well, your relationship will move in a different direction that you had thought before. You will either break up with him or you will talk with him about how the relationship will progress. Good luck.

[DuckiesDarling]

reading the OP I gotta agree with Tenni, mixed messages. Boyfriend admits he's bi after being caught in online chat, you knew he was bi and you already played with men with him, but now you are upset cause he was going behind your back.

Sounds like you need to put the marriage on hold and both of you step back and decide what you want from a relationship.

[littlerayofsunshine]

I didn't read where she said that they played with men together. I understood it to mean he had been playing around behind her back while they are in a relationship..

You really have to evaluate what you want. To stay, is to mourn... work really hard together. allot a large amount of forgiveness, leave down your defenses and see your future in a whole different light with him.

To leave. Emotional distress. change of life...mourning, Moving on and what ever that entails.

What you are going through is not an uncommon occurrence and if you ever take a moment to go through the pasts threads, you will see that there have been many women in your shoes. So please, I hope that you don't feel alone in this. You need to able to talk with someone, other than your sig other. To ease your mind and your thoughts and comfort you would be beneficial. It's important. You need support. No matter what you decide to do. You shouldn't have to do it alone.

*hugs* hunny.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Oh Lordy, there goes hell freezing over again, but I have to agree with Tenni, And DD. To make some work, you have to Work At It, and make sure it is something you want to have happen. If its worth having him in your life and heart, then Work on it, or let go and move on.
Cat

[BareHunter45]

I didn't read where she said that they played with men together. I understood it to mean he had been playing around behind her back while they are in a relationship..

You really have to evaluate what you want. To stay, is to mourn... work really hard together. allot a large amount of forgiveness, leave down your defenses and see your future in a whole different light with him.

To leave. Emotional distress. change of life...mourning, Moving on and what ever that entails.

What you are going through is not an uncommon occurrence and if you ever take a moment to go through the pasts threads, you will see that there have been many women in your shoes. So please, I hope that you don't feel alone in this. I don't agree with the whole "Shut your mouth" opinion stated before. You need to able to talk with someone, other than your sig other. To ease your mind and your thoughts and comfort you would be beneficial. It's important. You need support. No matter what you decide to do. You shouldn't have to do it alone.

*hugs* hunny.

Please...I think you misunderstood. I was NOT suggesting she keep her mouth shut. I was stating that HE KEPT his mouth shut about what he was asking because he had too much to loose. I agree, they need to talk and she should talk with someone, but be careful...he is already outed and should not be outed any more.

Thanks!

Bill

[magari]

My advice is to ask him if he's attracted to men with his heart or his penis. I personally have no room for another in my heart other than my wife.

[tenni]

My advice is to ask him if he's attracted to men with his heart or his penis. I personally have no room for another in my heart other than my wife.

Well, some bi people are attracted to the sexual aspect of same sex and not any emotional aspect. Other bi people are capable of having emotional attachment to both a woman and a man at the same time.

I didn't read that she had written that they played with a man together either. That is not what I meant by a mixed message. The mixed message was more about "Maybe I wouldn't have been so shocked because him being bi isn't really the upsetting part for me - I could have worked that into our relationship" She then went on to state that it was the cheating and going behind her back that was so upsetting.

If she can not go on because he didn't disclose his sexuality, then she will leave the relationship. If she can get over the pain of deceit on his part and understand that it was very difficult for him to disclose, then she needs to talk openly about how the relationship will go forward. Will she accept him having sex with a man or not? Will she find out what it is about same sex that he is attracted to and find an alternative? Some here have mentioned "strap ons" if the man is really mainly interested in being penetrated anally. Personally, I think that there is much more to being a bisexual man than being penetrated anally but that is the biggie (maybe) for some bimen. He may not even be interested in that. He may not understand his same sex attraction and she should be prepared to explore that with him. He may need to explore his sexuality with a counsellor if he can not articulate his sexuality. I know that I would have difficulty and don't think that a woman with a strap on would do it for me..since I'm not into anal. To make it stranger, I'm not really all that turned on keen on sucking dick either...lol There are other physicality aspects that turn my crank and some psychological ones ...I guess. He may or may not be able to articulate his attraction and she should be prepared for that.

It isn't that he is rejecting her either. He asked her to marry him (unless he is gay and wanting to hide behind a hetero marriage?). He should be able to explain or decide on that aspect though. To ask him to never act on his same sex attraction is an option that some seem to have accepted. Again, not for me. I wouldn't/couldn't say never again. There is the option of including a man sometimes in their sex play or being more poly receptive.

[Long Duck Dong]

if I was you and in your shoes, I would put the marriage on hold..... and let him know that you love him, and care about him enuf to work at the relationship and a marriage, but you need to know that your partner will talk with you about issues.....

the ability to disclose is hard in the eyes of people that do not want to disclose
its not that hard to disclose tho many will argue that....... disclosing at the start of a relationship, if the person knows they are bisexual, shows that they are willing to risk it all, for the sake of being honest and open with their partner....

I did it with my partner .... before we met.... as I believed she has the right of choice of can she handle a bisexual person, and what would she like to see or do or allow in the relationship.... that also gave me the chance to decide if I wanted to remain in the relationship.....

the idea that a bisexual can not live without casual hook ups is bullshit.... many of us can and do,.... and many of us will argue that they need sex with both genders to cope and survive.....
its the same excuse a drug addict or alcoholic uses....
we can survive, its hard but we can do it.... or we could amdit we can;t and get out of relationships where the partner is not treated fairly and decently.....

I know that my opinion will piss a number of people off, and the majority will be males..... ( strange that ).... but my dear.... your future rests on your decisions, the choices you and your partner make together ..... and not on the fact your BF is bisexual, but on the fact your bf has failed to treat you like his partner and not a door mat

[void()]

As much as it is about you trusting your partner, they too need trust you.

What rationale was there for invading their privacy? Or was it just there in the open on the computer?

My wife and I are very open. But I do not go exploring her chat logs, email, cell phone messages and so on. That's her private stuff and I have mine. She prefers me to not look at any porn much less homosexual porn. Luckily I really don't get very interested in it at any given. But there are times when an urge to indulge happens, and I do.

She doesn't know. She doesn't want to know. I'm sure that she probably does know. But she doesn't mind because I normally am keeping it securely tucked away. It's private.

Sometimes I like to read about anarchy, too. That reading list involves a documents which may be a touch out there in the gray area of legalities. Again, I keep it private. Some of the reading is just down right hi larious, nothing more or less. Some is scary. I don't act upon it.

And I know sometimes my wife has conversations with other men. Yes, she can see other guys, f*@k them if she wants, too. A big problem she has though is finding decent guys. That's another story. At any given I don't snoop. She may ask me to read something for advise, or just to pass information. "Plans with Joe:" She has her privacy.

Love allows trusting, privacy, respect. I love her and she loves me. I love my guy also. We trust, respect, and give one another privacy.

Void wanders along with a really weird feeling in his noodle.

"Got bugs in my brain. It should pass, just need to stop thinking, living, something."

[Realist]

LDD Wrote:

"if I was you and in your shoes, I would put the marriage on hold..... and let him know that you love him, and care about him enuf to work at the relationship and a marriage, but you need to know that your partner will talk with you about issues....."

This makes more sense that anything else I've read!

Give things a chance, at least. With things on hold, there's less pressure to act immediately. If you truly love each other and can feel confident that trust can be reestablished, maybe you can define the rules and move on.

It'd be a tragedy, if you really loved each other and you parted without attempting to get this resolved.

It shouldn't take too long to establish if the relationship can recover, or not.

Then, decide which actions are the best for all concerned.

I've made hasty decisions before and regretted them later.

[Bluebiyou]

To quote the Titanic movie:
"Do you love him?"

It's a simple question.


My point:
Sexuality does not define love.



Best wishes and good luck!
Blue

[bityme]

Maybe I wouldn't have been so shocked because him being bi isn't really the upsetting part for me - I could have worked that into our relationship - it was deceit & the fact that his online chat was him organising to meet a complete male stranger for sex while I was at work.

Perhaps he had no idea you would have been so understanding. Since you are the only one who knows, he was probably afraid of letting anyone, including you, find out.

Since you feel you could have worked it into your relationship, forgive him and work it into the relationship. It will make your connections stronger and give you a relationship based on honesty.

[sleek_ram]

Unfortunately, the situation you now find yourself in has no *right* answer - at least not one that can be provided by people other than you or your partner (although the advice may help with the decision making). My opinion (and its only as good as anyone else's here so sprinkle with salt too), is that human beings are hard-wired with a bias towards self-interest in their decision making - it's an evolutionary tool for survival. Often this self-interest expresses as empathy, compassion, love and other cooperative behaviours. These are authentic emotions but underpinning them is some degree of self-interest.

As someone above has mentioned, your bf, in his own estimation, has decided that the fear and consequences of identifying as bisexual outweigh the probable guilt and anxiety of hiding the truth from you. Depending on his personality, he may have become quite adept at internalising and rationalising these feelings or they may be significant in shaping the perception you know him as. You will only know which by your interactions with him over the coming months should you choose to stay.

Part of his rationale was likely borne of a reluctance to hurt you. He would not be the first to think this way. There may be many rationalisations and its simplistic to dismiss them out-of hand on moral grounds. Perhaps he has a risk-taking personality and is attracted to the taboo nature of his male encounters? Perhaps you are risk-averse and uncomfortable with non-conformist behaviour? Perhaps he has discovered his "adventures" provide the necessary outlet he needs to satiate those aspects of his personality he feels are incompatible with yours? These are just possibilities, the important thing is that, however misguided his actions, they, in themselves, do not make a farce out of his feelings for you.

Although admirable in its empathy and emotional maturity, your note that you are considering incorporating his lifestyle into your relationship needs to be thought through carefully (or perhaps even experienced with the mental preparation that the ultimate outcome might require you both to go your separate ways). If you both exhibit that risk-taking/risk-averse incompatibility noted above then you may be unlikely to feel comfortable with the now unconventional nature of the relationship, possible health risks and other factors over and above whatever cocktail of betrayal, anger, jealousy and other emotions you might be dealing with. I suspect he could survive well enough with this new arrangement as he retains much of the thrill of the taboos but has shed himself of the guilt he feels in his behaviour towards you. It's important to note that the compromise is entirely yours, and that his new-found openness and confidence could just as easily lead to him growing further apart from you rather than closer as he resolves his emotions, sexuality and life needs.

In essence, his approach may have maintained the status quo and you would have continued on in blissful ignorance, he in whatever compartmentalised equilibrium he needed to remain happy in his relationship with you but... that horse has bolted.

At the least you both probably need a cool-off period so you can both clear your heads and clarify your feelings into the future. It may be that you can genuinely and successfully accommodate his lifestyle into your relationship. For many bisexual men, the attraction of male sex is just physical - so his emotional and physical relationship with you may not really be under threat. The behaviour may also be an expression or outlet for some other aspect of his psyche that is non-sexual. At least with this stuff out in the open you'll have a chance to explore that - just be wary of opening the door for him to continue taking actions which hurt you but have no consequences for him.

No easy answers ultimately and the decision very much depends on the individuals involved. I know people (of both genders) who have initiated affairs, subsequently gone to counseling with their then partners and largely ignored their therapists advice. I doubt either would say they made the wrong choice. This doesn't detract from the effectiveness of the therapist, but illustrates the complexity of the decisions to be made and how, ultimately, the best decision will almost be instinctive - it's quality dependent on how well you know and understand yourself.

Whatever decision you make, good luck, keep a firm realistic idea of who you are and your wants and goals. Love and respect yourself.

[julbug]

Ok, I know this is probably not going to b the popular answer, but my husband is the same way. I learned after ten yrs he is bi. I finally told him that if he wants a friend to go ahead. At least I know its not another woman. If you'd like to talk more please let me know.

[Morgana]

You should re- read my post; I had no idea he was bi, he never shared this. We share a lap top, he left the chat up and that's how I found out.


reading the OP I gotta agree with Tenni, mixed messages. Boyfriend admits he's bi after being caught in online chat, you knew he was bi and you already played with men with him, but now you are upset cause he was going behind your back.

Sounds like you need to put the marriage on hold and both of you step back and decide what you want from a relationship.

[Morgana]

I had full trust in him that's what hurt, it was just open on the lap top that we were sharing.


As much as it is about you trusting your partner, they too need trust you.

What rationale was there for invading their privacy? Or was it just there in the open on the computer?

My wife and I are very open. But I do not go exploring her chat logs, email, cell phone messages and so on. That's her private stuff and I have mine. She prefers me to not look at any porn much less homosexual porn. Luckily I really don't get very interested in it at any given. But there are times when an urge to indulge happens, and I do.

She doesn't know. She doesn't want to know. I'm sure that she probably does know. But she doesn't mind because I normally am keeping it securely tucked away. It's private.

Sometimes I like to read about anarchy, too. That reading list involves a documents which may be a touch out there in the gray area of legalities. Again, I keep it private. Some of the reading is just down right hi larious, nothing more or less. Some is scary. I don't act upon it.

And I know sometimes my wife has conversations with other men. Yes, she can see other guys, f*@k them if she wants, too. A big problem she has though is finding decent guys. That's another story. At any given I don't snoop. She may ask me to read something for advise, or just to pass information. "Plans with Joe:" She has her privacy.

Love allows trusting, privacy, respect. I love her and she loves me. I love my guy also. We trust, respect, and give one another privacy.

Void wanders along with a really weird feeling in his noodle.

"Got bugs in my brain. It should pass, just need to stop thinking, living, something."

[ohbimale]

Dear Morgana - You and your bf should put marriage on hold until you work things out. You both need to be able to trust each other. For you that trust is damaged (if not gone). For him, he probably feels both liberated because the truth is out and betrayed because you read his online chat. You both need to figure out where to go from here. As a bi man who has been bi all his life, I know all too well how difficult this is going to be for both of you. Listen to your intiution as well as your heart and mind. I wish both of you all the best and the best out come for both of you.

[tequilafan]

Some interesting advice and personal histories. I'm surprised nobody asked "morgana" how she found this website and the first post she made was about "catching her boyfriend". I'm not saying "morgana" is a bogus person/post, I'm just a bit surprised nobody questioned. :eek:

[csrakate]

Some interesting advice and personal histories. I'm surprised nobody asked "morgana" how she found this website and the first post she made was about "catching her boyfriend". I'm not saying "morgana" is a bogus person/post, I'm just a bit surprised nobody questioned. :eek:
It's not that unusual for a spouse or SO to come here with questions. All it takes is a bit of research to find this site. I did it five years ago and it has been quite helpful to me AND my spouse. And here I am....still hanging around! LOL!

[Realist]

Morgana wrote: "I had full trust in him that's what hurt, it was just open on the lap top that we were sharing. "

The way I see it, you have two choices.

1. If you truly love him and feel that he is genuinely remorseful and has learned his lesson, give him one more chance. Don't be ready to pounce on him again, for any slight infraction of the "rules", but let him know that you will not be lied to again.

2. Don't feel confident that he intends to stop being devious? Get your stuff together and haul ass!

You know enough, right now, to make your decision and take appropriate action!

Case closed.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

So my question is, since this thread was brought up again, are you still making him do time for something he already admitted to, or are you trying to work through it? Obviously if you are here, you wanted answers, or wanted vindication, or support. Which is it? Are you trying to understand and work things out, or are you just trying to get payback?
Cat