Mixed Messages?

[danreidbarmi]

My wife has always loved my feminine side -- that I can enjoy a chick flick with her, that I disdain machoism, that I talk babytalk to the cat, that we can watch and enjoy "So You Think You Can Dance" together. Yet, when I finally confessed to her that I am attracted to men, she was absolutely shocked. Subsequently, she has admitted that she should have seen that propensity in me before. (Btw, she broke up with her last serious boyfriend before we started dating because he was bi and cheated on her.)

So, she is attracted to tender, sensitive men who have qualities of both genders, then is taken by surprise when they turn out to be sexually attracted to both as well. (This is not to excuse my lying and cheating. I take full responsibility for those heinous, careless, thoughtless actions.) But, has anyone else gotten these kinds of mixed messages from a spouse or partner?

[by~his~side]

Maybe...just maybe, she was shocked by your heinous, careless, thoughtless actions (your words first...I'm just repeating them) and not so much by the fact that you are bi. We'll never know how she would have reacted to the news that you are bi because she had to digest the truth of your infidelity at the same time as your news that you are bi.
I've supported you Dan. I believe you made a mistake and you are paying dearly for your actions. But, making her out to be the one playing games is unattractive...at best.
Maybe you could continue to be supportive...and loving..and remorseful (if you feel that way) and avoid second guessing her reactions.
Still, I hope you are able to work this out. It can be done.. I am 100% sure of that.

~D~

[littlerayofsunshine]

Not all bi men are sensitive, and not all sensitive men are bisexual.

No I have never experienced it, or given the experience. I have been bisexual all my life and have only been with bisexual men since I was 16. But individual experiences will vary.



*hears tiny violin playing in the back ground playing a tune similar to that of a mosquito*

[mikey3000]

Well, I'm not your typical "queer" man. I can't stand chick flicks, can't sing or dance worth shit, not into show tunes, throw the cat out for the night, smoke a little, drink a little, wear my basic Levi's and t-shirts and with all my power tools, can build you a house from thr ground up. But I do try to stay fit, am into good hygene and personal grooming. I even love to cook and bake, but hate to clean. I especially like my Calvin Klein colognes and designer clothes when necessary. And shoes, I love nice shoes!! And men. I love nice men too.

I say this just to show you Dan, that nothing is typical anymore, so it'd be pretty hard for your wife to see signs that might not really be there. It was for my wife, though she totally knew that I liked gay porn and that I had homosexual experiences as a kid. So did she. She enjoys watching girl on girl porn and had similar experiences as a kid. Together we even watched gay porn regularlyand participated in pride events in out city together. That's why I was shocked when, after not too much anguish, I came out to her and she totally flipped and she went running back into the closet. I felt cheated, like she pushed me to the edge, then flipped when I took the plunge.

That just goes to show you that you can never figure out women, so don't even try.:cool:

[Long Duck Dong]

danreidbarmi quit trying to blame your wife for your personal choice to lie and cheat on her.

If you had respected her as a woman and as a person you never would have done this at all to her.

If you had cared about your marriage or relationship with her at all you would not have lied and cheated on her. It is for the best that you're getting separated and divorced. She deserves a better husband than one like you who lies and cheats on her.

I don't know of any straight woman who would put up with her husband lying and cheating on her for years and even if she's bisexual she is not going to want a husband who lies and cheats on her like you did to your wife.

A lot of Heterosexual women do not want to be with bisexual men.

This is their personal preference. As a bisexual woman I do not want to be with a straight man and that is my preference.

No matter who I'm with if he or she is a liar and a cheat like danreidbarmi does his or her ass is going to be kicked to the curb and our relationship would be over.

you seriously need to shut up until you know what you are talking about.... dans asking about males that have a gentle side........ and if anybody has experienced this........
but no, you are back with full * attack dan * mode.... in near every thread

[Long Duck Dong]

dan its not really mixed messages...... as LROS says, not all sensitive males are bi and not all bis are sensitive.....

but people like you that are sensitive, can be easier to talk to, relate to and be around, for many ladies..... they can feel like their issues are noticed and respected

I often was told that I was easy to talk to about issues ( unless you are talking to me about my own ) by guys and females that would often say it was as if they were talking to another female or guy that was going thru or had gone thru what they had...... sometimes I had, often I hadn't....but every time, I just listened quietly to them...... that was the key....

[Brian]

test test. This is only a test

[ninetythree]

So, she is attracted to tender, sensitive men who have qualities of both genders, then is taken by surprise when they turn out to be sexually attracted to both as well. ... But, has anyone else gotten these kinds of mixed messages from a spouse or partner?

No. I told my wife I was bisexual before ever acting on it or cheating on her. She likes this facet of my personality and is not taken aback.

[danreidbarmi]

No. I told my wife I was bisexual before ever acting on it or cheating on her. She likes this facet of my personality and is not taken aback.

Well, then, you have nothing to contribute to this discussion, do you. Basically, what you're saying is that your behavior has been perfect while mine has not. Well, good for you. I admire that. But, I think you'll agree that it would be insane for me to pine away wishing for a better past.

I'm trying to reason my way through what continues to be an overwhelmingly painful emotional experience. I have gone from thinking that all I had to do was to finally come out and be honest at long last, to now realizing that what is at issue is not only the sexuality I've kept secret for so long, but my inability to be faithful and honest to a wife I still love with all my heart (go ahead an tear me a new asshole on that - but, no one will ever convince me that I haven't loved my wife as much and as best as I could). I'm examining all of the factors here.

Having survived two previous divorces (my bisexuality didn't factor at all in those sad endings), I know from personal experience that, when a relationship fails, there is always some fault on both sides. My wife acknowledges that she allowed me to push her away, while she pretended everything was fine. I don't blame her for that, as I can often be a very tough nut to crack.

My point here is not to make any generalizations that all gay or bi men are effeminate (believe me, I've been with enough guys to know that isn't true), but only to ask if any other person has had a similar experience. I was shocked that my wife was shocked at my revelation, because I know that she has always loved my feminine side (and I'm not exactly limp-wristed or light in the loafers). That doesn't mean she contributed in any way to my philandering. She approved of my equal balance of yin and yang, so therefore I found it difficult to believe that she was so stunned by my confession. That wasn't the case. One more presumption shot down.

[tenni]

I don't know Dan. Maybe, you are mixing up bisexuality and being attracted to other men with personality traits?

Tender and sensitive is not usually encouraged on one hand for men by men but women do look for it in men. I think that you are writing that you are not placing this on your wife and that you are surprised that she is surprised to find out about your same sex attraction. I'm not sure that you should be trying to link them. She probably sees enough masculine traits in you to be sexually attracted to you. I'm sure that you are aware that women are complicated...men ...not so much....as a stereotype cuz some of us guys can have more than feed us, give us sex and burb us..life is fine....:bigrin:

In this day and age, maybe those traits are not really assigned to the feminine. There must be some give on the stereotypes by now?....eh???

[danreidbarmi]

Well, Tenni, you make some cogent points here, and you're reading between the lines very discerningly.

However, may I offer this little factoid? -- one that the spouse would probably not appreciate me airing publicly, but which is actually true. About a month ago. It might have been her birthday party in mid-August (oh, yes, she is very much a Leo), she revealed to our core group of friends (a group I may or may not be welcomed into in the future), that she is very attracted to transexual men, because they have all the equipment she really desired. She could imagine getting into another woman's breasts and her soft, whiskerless kiss (both on the lips and down under), but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, a cock seals the deal. I found it amazing that she was so frank about this in a public setting.

Still, she feels baffled by my revelation that I actually appreciate and enjoy the male appendage as much as she does. Oh, well, it's a process. In the long run, it will all work itself out. We're all just trying to find our way in this crazy journey of life.

[tenni]

Dan
Mystifying isn't it? Maybe, Mikey's disclosure about how his wife reacted compared to how she "talked" in a more abstract way. Also, perhaps your own bisexual explorations were not "right to it" from what I recall. Some guys fantasize first. Be a voyeur either through porn or watching a guy wank. Slow step by step introduction while others may jump into it. Those that are cautious or even jump into it may also retreat with reality and guilt etc. She talked about it but didn't get a chance to explore it ..yet. Her apparent lack of homophobia may not be the same when it comes to her male spouse and how her image of you is shattered from what she thought?

Somewhere along your discussions with her when the opportunity seems to indicate openness and readiness you may want to ask her about the difference between what she said in public and accepting your disclosure. Remember though that you have disclosed an added shock to her..... a double whammy reality kick in the butt and not just abstract social group talk. I think Mikey referred to watching gay porn with his wife and she enjoyed it but when it came to her spouse in a "real" same sex situation rather than a fantasy..it is quite different?

Maybe, her messages are not really mixed in her mind as it is in your mind that the mixed thoughts are existing? If and when she seems open it may help you if she can try to clarify the difference from what she said and what you see? Or this question in your mind may become irrelevant as the two of you continue your journey.

[danreidbarmi]

Well, my wife's ultimate point is that I acted on my compulsions. Although she has hinted, she has never even considered acting on whatever curiosity she might have.

And, yes, I got back into my secret activities slowly, one step at a time. I just finished that chapter of my book, giving the background: it took about 10 years before I let another man touch me, then another several before I allowed a guy to blow me, then several more before I started sucking. Then, a couple more before I tasted a mouthful of cum or knew a lover's name. So, at what point did it get out of control? When should I have heard the alarm, confessed, and sought help? That's the chapter I'm writing now.

From the part about my confession, the story will all be in real time. I am at least very grateful that I have my writing to keep me somewhat sane. Other than that, there's always vodka. Thank you, Jeeezus, for the creative process and the bottle!

Dan

[gen11]

Maybe...just maybe, she was shocked by your heinous, careless, thoughtless actions (your words first...I'm just repeating them) and not so much by the fact that you are bi. We'll never know how she would have reacted to the news that you are bi because she had to digest the truth of your infidelity at the same time as your news that you are bi.
I've supported you Dan. I believe you made a mistake and you are paying dearly for your actions. But, making her out to be the one playing games is unattractive...at best.
Maybe you could continue to be supportive...and loving..and remorseful (if you feel that way) and avoid second guessing her reactions.
Still, I hope you are able to work this out. It can be done.. I am 100% sure of that.

~D~

It's easy and cheap to throw stones at the victim of a delimma (his nature) if you don't share it. Self-rightousness is never attractive.

[ninetythree]

Well, then, you have nothing to contribute to this discussion, do you. Basically, what you're saying is that your behavior has been perfect while mine has not.

I didn't say anything of the kind. You asked a question and I answered it from my experience.

You seem to want your wife to be consistent in appreciating what you describe as your "feminine side." I think she might be unable to properly appreciate it at the moment because the betrayal of adultery is so fresh. Perhaps over time she'll realize that many traits of your bisexuality are things that made you a good husband.

My wife appears to appreciate my bisexuality. One reason is that I never fooled around behind her back. Does this make me a better person than you? I don't think so. We all make mistakes. I do think that if bisexual married men are reading this who haven't acted on their desires, they should tell their wives before acting on them. It is hard to maintain a successful marriage without honesty and communication. You have a tough road ahead of you, and I wish you luck.

[danreidbarmi]

Perhaps over time she'll realize that many traits of your bisexuality are things that made you a good husband.

My wife appears to appreciate my bisexuality. One reason is that I never fooled around behind her back. Does this make me a better person than you? I don't think so. We all make mistakes. I do think that if bisexual married men are reading this who haven't acted on their desires, they should tell their wives before acting on them. It is hard to maintain a successful marriage without honesty and communication. You have a tough road ahead of you, and I wish you luck.

Well, I couldn't agree more with this. I often ponder this dilemma: when should I have told my wife? Was it when we first started dating, when I had a past I thought was finished with? Was it when I stumbled upon two guys having sex in the park and I masturbated while I watched? When was the point at which I should have brought this subject up that I knew would definitely hurt her then, but might have avoided the devastation she is now going through?

Yes, you are right. Be honest as soon as you feel something that confuses you. Deal with it then. Discuss it then. Certainly, that is the best course of action. Almost twenty years into a continuing cycle of personal and marital deception is far too late. But, that's my cross to bear, and that of my poor wife as well.

Thank you, my brother, for your clarification.

Dan