I need some advice!

[needsadvice]

Hello,

I am a 25 year bi guy and I am seeing another bi guy that is currently in an open relationship with his girlfriend of 6 years, they also have a 3 year old child together. He says he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives and he said that he has changed because of me. I do not agree with these open relationships and really want him to be faithful to me. We have been seeing each other off an on since the middle of June and made it "official" in August but he has yet to break up with his girlfriend. Do you all feel he is playing mind games with me and if he is going to actually "leave" his girlfriend for me?

Also, I think he is getting ready to ask me to marry him.

Please help if you can!

[littlerayofsunshine]

Hello,

I am a 25 year bi guy and I am seeing another bi guy that is currently in an open relationship with his girlfriend of 6 years, they also have a 3 year old child together.

I do not agree with these open relationships and really want him to be faithful to me. We have been seeing each other off an on since the middle of June and made it "official" in August


Please help if you can!

You pretty much agreed to it when you entered into a relationship with someone who was in an open relationship. If he said things in regards to leaving his g/f (mother of his child) but hasn't. Yeah it's quite possible he's playing you. Could be its not easy for him to leave, since there is a child involved.

Trying to force his hand might not benefit you. Since he's poly, he might not want to be forced into a monogamous relationship and rather enjoy the life he has now.

You have to decide what's best for you and not settle for less than what you want, which is what you are currently doing.

Good luck to you in whatever you choose

[tenni]

If you think that he is going to ask you to marry him, then would that be what you want? You would have the right to ask and require that he be monogamous but you should make sure that he is capable of being monogamous. Would you accept him being sexually involved with women but not other men? From what you wrote, I do not think that you will.

If he asks you to marry him, then these issues need to be disussed openly and honestly. You also need to be aware and factor that he will be attached in parenting with his present girlfriend for the next twenty or so years. The child and this woman to some extent will be part of your relationship. Spend time with the child. He is probably not "playing you" but open the dialogue and judge from what you learn by talking with him. What makes you fear that he is playing you?

[Realist]

I agree totally with both Littleray and Tenni...this is well thought-out advice.

As one, who was in two poly relationships, I know it is possible to love two people at one time and this appears to be the way he feels. You may have to adapt, if you want to keep him. I would certainly understand if he didn't want to leave his child, or the child's mother. It may seem foreign to you, but I can tell you that, when you enter a relationship like theirs, with an open mind, marvelous things can happen.

Now is the time to get this subject out in the open and discuss it, as advised by the previous posters. This may, or may not, be something you can accept, but your lover should be told how you feel asap.

[open2both]

You're TWENTY FIVE!!!
Jeeez! TOO YOUNG for ANY thoughts of FOREVER!
Date, have fun, enjoy life!
Plenty of time before marriage/adulthood.

[needsadvice]

He goes home to her and sleeps with her and then comes to me and tells me he loves me with all his heart and wants to be with me for the rest of his life. Also, he came in a few weeks ago with hickeys on his neck that she gave him. That's sorta why I think he's playing me.

[jjinmd]

I don't think he is playing a mind game. He is unsure of where you stand and if you left after ending it with his female partner what would he have? Moving from a society accepted straight life to an unaccetpable gay life he may be fearing losing, family (his son), parents, sibling, and after all that what would he do if he ended up losing you?
I was involved with a married guy with 3 kids and he left his wife then wanted a female, etc...we ended up losing each other...I could not deal with someone who did not know what he wanted in life...I loved him dearly but for my own sake I could not deal with him and had to leave. Though to this day his one son and I still talk, I became close to his kids, I could not deal with his ups and downs.
So, have a talk with him and see where his fears are, if you love him and you think you can bear the burden that I could not, then tell him...otherwise, maybe you should just accept he is not ready to make that life altering move and that is something that you will have to accept and deal with.
Famous last words, been there, done that...would I do it again? damn straight I would if I found someone that captured my heart like he did...

[Wrenn]

Sounds to me like he's playing you but you already know that. It also sounds like he's playing his g/f too. The real question is, are you going to continue to let him play you? If I understand the situation correctly the advice I have for you is to say goodbye to this person asap and don't look back.

[guynice]

I assume you knew his situation when you got involved with him. If so why would you think he's playing you? Seems to me you are the one that wants to change what was initally ok with you. I say enjoy what you have. I agree with others,25 is too soon to lock yourself into anything for the rest of your life. I hope things work out for you. Guy

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

So you're comfortable being with a man who has the opinion that its ok to cheat on someone he loves and who he has an obligation to? If he cheated on Her to have a romp with you, what makes you think he would be faithful to you too??? Get a clue Boyfriend.
Cat

[void()]

Little Ray & Tenni, Cat all offer good advice in one fashion or another.

There is possibly a great deal further I could say but won't. There is a great sense of a congruent thread which heralds a troll, looming in the forums. No need wasting energy abasing pointless and unreasonable negativity only to have it return. So, people like me, choose silence as a weapon and shield.

People like me are extremely versed in such as well as other tactics and tools. There's many visitors to this site whom are people like me. So do yourself a favor and troll somewhere else. Your entertainment is over.


Void sits patiently and intently playing connect the dots. He so loves it when folks are given ample rope, all the more better to hang themselves.

Just in case it's not been clear. I'm a red dragon, minus the nasty business of killing, did some in the course of duty and found it appalling. Besides I'm human, not a machine.

[citystyleguy]

...dude, he is a classic cheater; stringing along the loved one, all the time remaining in the other relationship, betcha, he tells you all the things like...oh yeah, we're going to get married, just what you wanted to hear!!!

bid him adios, and go find someone NOT attached; chalk it up to another lesson learned in the school of life! :cool:

[danreidbarmi]

There is a classic Billy Wilder movie called The Apartment. Watch it. Perhaps you might see yourself in the Shirley McClaine role (she is so cute in this movie, you'll fall head over heals for her). Then, of course, there's the brilliant Jack Lemmon. Go rent it tonight. I'm not kidding. You'll see brilliant film making, great writing, superb acting -- and you're gonna learn lots.

[Bazznow]

uhm you've known the guy for not even 3 months.... I mean getting married after 3 months that's a bit quick if you ask me. That makes you wonder about how he'll act when he finds someone else. But that time you'll be screwed :/

[needsadvice]

Yea, it's really starting to make me wonder. He has introduced me to his mom and dad and said this is the first time he's came out to his mom about being bi and even his mom has said she's seen a change in him.

[rutemptedalso]

I know I'd want to be with my kid. The kid is better off with both parents at home if they can make it work. Maybe I'm old fashion but it isn't about what they want anymore. It's all about the kid now. Just my two :2cents:

[12voltman59]

You're TWENTY FIVE!!!
Jeeez! TOO YOUNG for ANY thoughts of FOREVER!
Date, have fun, enjoy life!
Plenty of time before marriage/adulthood.

AGREED!!!! Plus--it does sound like your boyfriend is too young and immature at this point to truly commit to any sort of long term relationship---not to be flip about it--but at your ages----much of what you think is "true love" or something of the sort--it is actually mostly just hormones.

Take a step back from this relationship---chill out--"play the field for a few years"-like till you are at least 30--with both guys and gals.

[needsadvice]

Ok, me and him had a talk. He said that his family has said they would rather him wait to break up with her for a few more weeks. Some of his family, him, his son, his girlfriend (although I'm going in place of her now) is scheduled to go on a 7 day cruise in October. They want him to wait until after the cruise so his girlfriend won't retaliate in some form.

Also he took my class ring yesterday and my current roommate thinks is going to ask me to marry him on the cruise.

[needsadvice]

Also, his mother has referred to her as my mother-in-law. He said the relationship was over with his girlfriend 3 years ago but he is just staying for his son and to keep up appearances with her until he breaks up with her.

[danreidbarmi]

Please take this slowly. I wish you guys the very best.

[tenni]

"Some of his family, him, his son, his girlfriend (although I'm going in place of her now) is scheduled to go on a 7 day cruise in October. They want him to wait until after the cruise so his girlfriend won't retaliate in some form. "

Uh..I'm confused? If you are taking the girlfriend's place on the cruise, she will know that he is ending it before the cruise begins. She may retaliate by keeping his son from going on this cruise without her? Please clarify?

[needsadvice]

he said she told her that she wasn't going on the cruise and she got upset but he said she would have to get over it. In a way that sounds a bit fishy to me, considering they take a vacation about every year.

[csrakate]

he said she told her that she wasn't going on the cruise and she got upset but he said she would have to get over it. In a way that sounds a bit fishy to me, considering they take a vacation about every year.

I wouldn't start packing......nor would I put my life on hold for this guy. But that's just my :2cents:

[needsadvice]

Yea, I'm not getting my hopes up about it too much. Tenni that is actually one of the reasons why he is waiting is so she won't stop her son from going.

[PolyLoveTriad]

How do you know its an open relationship? Has she actually said to you that she doesnt mind you sleeping with her boyfriend? Youre the odd man out here, if he was serious about wanting only you, she wouldnt be in the picture at all but for the fact of his kid. Also keep in mind, that he can do the same thing to you that hes doing to his girlfriend. He only has to tell someone hes in an open relationship and then fall in love with them. I think hes blowing smoke up your ass if you ask me.

[needsadvice]

ok, he asked me to marriage him yesterday afternoon. He got me a ring as well. I told him the timing was not right, considering he has not broke up with his girlfriend. He said he understood and said it's coming soon...well...last night at 2 am he broke up with her. It took about 20 minutes and he said they were done. I somewhat find this strange considering he asked me to marry him before he broke up with her. What do yall think?

[bisexual Bill]

Don't get married to him or have a relationship with him.

You've only known him for a few months and it's very odd that he'd want to marry you this fast.

It's a huge red flag that he wants to rush into marrying you this fast.

He is a classic cheater stringing you and the woman he has a kid with along.

He may have claimed that he broke up with the woman of his child but since they have a kid together he'll always be a part of her life and his kid's life.

[csrakate]

I believe everyone has told you to cut and run. Apparently that isn't what you want to hear. Sorry to be so blunt, but there comes a time to wake up and see things for what they are. You don't seem comfortable with this relationship so why prolong it?

[tenni]

I'm not going to be as definite as some but your story sounds unsual. First, you are two guys and all this stuff about marriage seems premature and unusual if not sophmoric romance. It is unclear to me from what you have actually written as to how long that you have been in this relationship with him? I would ask him to live on his own for at least six months. If he has not lived on his own yet, then this may be something that he should do. You can still be friends and lovers but you are correct about it not being the right time to discuss marriage. After six months if things seem to be going well for the three(kid too) of you and the ex girlfriend has moved on with her life (as best as you can when you have a kid with each other), then maybe move in together. Marriage proposals should be about another six to eight months away. Remember if you have not yet established a relationship with his kid, do it. If you do not really like/love the kid, get out of this relationship so as to not hurt the child. The child is going to be confused as is if the guy and his girlfriend lived together.