Fitting in

[semibi]

I have been a member on this site for about a year. Mostly I just read the forums. I have visited the chat rooms occasionally. I'm not sure I am a good fit here. The bottom line is that I am not interested in hooking up. It seems that that's the norm here.

I am bisexual. After spending most of my life ignoring that fact, and suppressing my sexuality all together as a result, I reached the point where I had to face the facts. After about three years of struggling, sorting through conflicts with my own values, with the reality of my social circle and even religious influences that don't mesh, I reached the point where I understand myself better. It is what it is. I believe I could happily partner with a man or woman, emotionally and sexually. Admittedly, I'm quirky and selective, so there may not be many of either that would suit me. But, I am bi. I have spent a lot of time pondering this, and discussing it online. I am able to accept the truth.

That said, I have never tried same-sex sex. I am married and monogamous. And, I have a family. I am not out, and I don't plan to be. I shared some basic facts with my wife a few years ago. She didn't want to know more and I didn't press it. I have no interest in breaking up my family. I have kids to raise and that is a priority for me. I won't act on my same-sex impulses in the real world, because I'm not willing to put my family at risk. Heart break, public shame, divorce, STDs, etc. There are many risks I won't take and reasons why I am committed to monogamy.

The twist is that my marital sex life has dwindled to nothing. And, over time, I have lost interest in trying to fix it. Never say never. I have some tiny shred of hope that things could turn around. But, I don't see that happening in the near future. Married, monogamous, bisexual and celibate. Weird combo, if you ask me.

I'm here on this site, just to try to understand bisexuality and see what other people think of it. Mostly to learn, but maybe also to communicate. But, not to hook up for sex, period.

Feeling like a misfit, I have pondered getting off the site. I actually set my account to dormant the other day. But, I reactivated. And, thought I'd try a little harder to see if this site could have more relevance to my existence. I'm curious whether there are any other married monogamous bisexuals who are interested in this site but not interested in extramarital sex. Shocking, I know.

[Newly_Bi]

First off, let me congratulate you on accepting your bisexuality. While I understand that a lot of people come on this site for sex, I am one of the people who, like you, are here to talk to others that are going through what I'm going through, and to have a community where I can ask questions. I haven't been bi for that long so I am still learning about the culture, however if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask. If I don't know the answer, I'll do my best to find out. If not, I'm sure there are plenty of others that frequent this site that might have better information for you.

[Long Duck Dong]

I am not married but I am a monogamous bisexual.... this is something that is a bit of a contradictory issue as my bisexual sexual aspect lays dormant until I am sexually active with a partner, then it comes in hard and with a vengeance and I am acutely aware that I can not function well in a relationship or marriage without a second partner of the same or opposite gender as I would need to * pinball * between them as my emotional and mental state of mind can shift so fast.....

my friends understand tho at times they will flirt with me and joke around.... and they know now that I have something called anhedonia... it means that I do not feel pleasure with sex and society interaction UNLESS its with the right person.... think of it being in a room with 100 people, the average person may find pleasure interacting with 20 people, I may find pleasure with 3... but with those 3 people, I could experience very intense connections and desires lol

outside of a relationship or a companionship with a person, I really do not feel a need to interact with people or be sexual which suits me fine, it works for me....but I am very aware of my bisexual ( pansexual ) nature..... pansexual means that I am fine with male / female / gender undefined / trans and intersex people and yes, like you at this point in my life I have a partner ( DD lives in the US ) so I am a monogamous, bisexual, celibate male..... and despite the insistence of some members, a bisexual that is not sexually active is no less bisexual than a person that is sexually active..... we are still attracted to people regardless of what our sex life is like and our attraction to people does not depend on our cocks being in somebody......

so to me, you are a real living breathing person in a monogamous marriage with a partner and family you love..... and you do not need to cheat / have a open marriage with permission to be true to yourself..... being true to yourself means that you acknowledge and embrace who you are, you may not always settle or be content with who you are, but embracing who you are is important.... there are other people that will try to redefine your existence and tell you that you are not being true to yourself because you are not having sex with other people... the thing is that bisexuality is no different to any other sexuality, we do not measure heterosexuals or gay / lesbian people by how sexually active they are... but by whom they are attracted to.....

being true to yourself as a sexual person just means acting on your sexual urges and that doesn't define your sexuality because its a need for sex and the need for sex is not what makes a person gay , straight, bi or lesbian tho the person you are having sex with, can be a aspect of whom you are attracted to.....

monogamy is not a crime and nor is it wrong for bisexuals to be monogamous, some bisexuals are happy being monogamous, some are not.... some settle into a monogamous existence, others do not and again with that, its a personal aspect, there is no law that says that as a bisexual you have to be non monogamous because as you point out the cons outweigh the pros for you

so give me a hug, you are a bisexual male.... one of many that is in a less than perfect life but making the most of it that you can ..... and you join the many bisexuals that live a less than perfect life but hang out here in our bisexual community and enjoying each others company lol

[Wishful]

Welcome! You are not the only one here who feels the need to talk with other bi men and women, but also are cautious about moving from fantasy sex to real action. I don't cheat on my wife, and I'm overly careful about STDs so I'm mostly a talker.

[tenni]

Hey Semibi
Good to see you posting on a bisexual issue. When I first came here, I did come looking for hook ups but to no real possibility. Over time, (3 years) I posted less than eight times and then all of a sudden the thread topics interested me and I became the mouthy guy that I am on here at times. Hopefully, you do feel comfortable enough to ask a question. There are no dumb questions..even if some of us have figured your question out. Hopefully, we treat your question respectfully. Go for it!

I did not feel that I fit in either. I’m not sure how many bi people feel that way. I think that it is probably a good thing that you are now aware more of your sexuality or your attraction to men. You are not alone though. There are not many threads these days dealing with what it is like to be a bisexual regardless of your partnership status. This is a change in the past year where dealing and discussing our sexuality has been over run with the mechanics of m2m sex techniques.

I do believe or hope that there are people here who want to discuss situations like your own and other ways of living as a bisexual. I definitely have evolved my view. I have know many men who are living in a sexless marriage as yourself. Only you can decide what your next path will be or if you remain aware of your bisexuality but refrain and live a celebate life. Hopefully, you have read some older threads not created by trolls or those wanting only sex technique talk. Hopefully, other bimen will share their experiences.

Although I am not in your situation, I will share my persohal belief. I think that as bisexuals that we should explore our sexuality fully before we die. We are not intended to be monogamous as we have two atractions. Some bisexuals can be happy in monogamous relationships but only time will tell if it is for their entire life. Honestly, it seems that your sex life seems stuck and if it remains this way, you will not be happy.(sorry but you probably know this). You have reasons for being celibate and I respect them(whatever they are) as your life decision.

There are many bisexual married men on this site. I know a few who will hopefully speak up and that they have not left the site. A guy named Pappy(nickname not user name) will hopefully post to you. He is a very wise married, bisexual man.


I hope that you find happiness.

[joavi]

I keep reading FISTING in

[Hypersexual11]

I think for many of us, living in a sexless marriage, being bisexual but not having any hope of acting on it is how we would describe hell. But as we all have learned here, people can adapt and be happy in situations that appear hopeless. You should be happy that your sex drive is not controlling you, that you are controlling it. I could never say that. My sex drive has always won out over common sense, safety, security, happiness, everything. You may not be sexually satisfied but you are satisfied in how your life is going. Try not to focus on this stuff. The more you think about it, the harder it is to avoid doing something. In your world there are more important things than sex. Focus on those things and be happy in the knowledge that you have been an upstanding husband.

[CurEUs_Male]

Yep. We are the island of misfit toys, as it were. I just read a paper on bisexuals dealing with the issue of self identifying between the two socially accepted 'scripts', and you comment (along with most of the follow ups) seem to fall into the description quite well.

I belong to some support groups for married couples where one is not straight. There is a lot of focus on gay men coming out (being caught) after years of marriage. It is almost just as difficult to explain to a gay man as it is to a straight woman. So many times it is assumed bi means gay eventually, and some studies stating we bisexuals don't truly exist do not help at all!

i have been looking for the social connection for years. I have found it here on a few occasions, but it has ebbed and flowed as the site fluctuates among social discussion, sexual how-to, hookups, and trolls. I am trying to get a handful of local bi people together socially on a regular basis. So far it is more talk than action as far as showing up. I get a lot of guys looking to play, I guess they just don't read.

I am currently monogamous. My wife and I have not always been. There needs to be a lot of good solid communication for that to work out in the long run. The situation you are in right now seems like a comfortable place, but as with everything else, it may change over time. Maybe someday I will find the right guy socially and decide to do more, but it will be in an open discussion with my wife and his wife/partner would be informed as well.

I'd like to hear more from you. These discussions are important for all of us so we can start to dispel the myth that all bisexuals are just out having sex with everyone, all the time. Spend time on most of the alternative sites, and it seems obvious where the myth comes from. I mentioned how hard it is to find that 1% to my therapist just today. Hang in there.

Al

link to article: http://www.gobookee.net/get_book.php...J5OiBUaGUgLi4u

[tenni]

hi cureusMale
I'm happy that you have found a comfortable spot in your relationship. I think that you are taking a good approach.

The scenario of the marriage group situation and trying to fit into either monogamous groups(hetero or gay) is just so wrong for bisexuals imo. I believe that bisexuals really need to stop trying to fit in to one of the two monosexual boxes when the real boxes are Bisexual and Monosexual. Monosexuals will try to understand us from their similar perspectives (opposite ends but similar).

My second thought is about Bisexuals themselves. Bisexuals living a lifestyle with both male and female lovers is not a myth. It may be a difficult norm or goal for some of us to obtain. Whether we are promiscuous or in a looped relationship should not be shameful. It is part of the bisexual reality and not a myth. I agree that some on this site and other sites may give the appearance of having sex with everyone but the reality is probably even those of us who are promiscuous do not have sex with everyone. There is nothing wrong though with being a promiscuous bisexual and you should not feel shame because you are also a bisexual living a different lifestyle.

When you bring monogamy into the question you are using monosexual heteronormative system. That is not us or should be our goal as a sexuality imo.

[void()]

When you bring monogamy into the question you are using monosexual heteronormative system. That is not us or should be our goal as a sexuality imo.

You're granted your opinion and I am not arguing against it. Rather, I am stating my opinion also.
In my opinion if a bisexual person can find a male and female lover they prefer being monogamous
with then, by all means let be what will be. And I do think at times this may be a case. Okay, my
are spent.

[tenni]

We agree Void(twice in one week..lol) I think that you describe a closed loop relationship? You have always seemed like a person who had a closed loop relationship that was a good model…except the distance factor.

Here is one definition of a closed looped relationship.

An intimate relationship of common understanding and agreement among three individuals, usually where two persons are married or similarly bound; where individuals may be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual; and, where all individuals remain faithful and exclusive to each other.
Unlike a ménage Ã* trois, a closed loop relationship ("clr") is typically a long-term relationship that involves a third individual as a functioning, participating partner. Also unlike a ménage Ã* trois, intimacy is not the sole motivation and serves as complement to the relationship. Individuals in a clr may live together, though this is not typical. At the fringes of a clr is the situation where one participant is a committed participant in another relationship, such as being married.

[CurEUs_Male]

Grammar/word police would point out that

... if a bisexual person can find a male and female lover they prefer being monogamous
with then, by all means let be what will be

would make the triad bigamous not monogamous.


I do agree it is a viable solution as long as all involved (directly and indirectly) are aware and consenting. It is outside the scope for most of society. The paper (see the link) targets just that from a bisexual's perspective -that neither of the boxes (scripts) fit what we need to be our true selves. What it does not do is provide a script to use as a template, or directly consider how to have those others in our lives come to understand our different script.

For those fortunate to have discovered and endured issues of bisexuality to a point where you are open to loved knees before a monogamous commitment, it seems to work very well. For those who discovered later in life of their orientation or his it for so many reasons, we are stuck trying to educate the people that are close to us, and often already in a defensive state - a difficult task.

[semibi]

I have refrained from commenting here thus far, because I wanted to give others a chance to offer their perspectives. I appreciate the support and contributions those above have offered to this thread.

I have come to understand that monogamy rubs some bisexuals the wrong way. I don't mean to judge those who live differently than I do. Personally, I am more interested in maintaining my family-oriented values and priorities than I am in living out my bisexuality with experience. For me, at least for now, I don't see a way to experience the sexual side of bisexuality without taking risks that I am not comfortable taking. I came to accept my bisexuality relatively recently. I have been married many years. My family should not suffer because I was late in figuring things out. Also, even if I had experienced sexuality with both sexes, I believe I would still be the sort to choose one person to partner with. That is my nature.

My real world existence doesn't accommodate the breadth of potential in bisexuality. But, I am not willing to change my existence in order to accommodate it. I don't see my choice as something so different than a straight person committing to one person of the opposite sex or a gay person committing to someone of the same sex. I could have chosen either sex, but I chose one. My choice was for the person, not just the parts. Fortunately, at the time, I was very attracted to the person, and the parts. Unfortunately, the sexuality in my relationship faded, which is not completely uncommon, so it seems. Still, I'm not willing to throw out the commitment because of that, particularly with kids involved.

Why does a bisexual necessarily have to choose both sexes? It could have been worthwhile to experience both sexes before committing to one person, but that was not my reality. I can't see how breaking the commitment I made is vital for the sake of experience.

That said, I realized that it was important to me to strive to feel more authentic. That was not a whimsical choice. It was something I felt I compelled to do perhaps more strongly than I have felt compelled to do anything else. I am an honest person, perhaps to a fault. But, I was keeping my bisexuality completely to myself. And, I felt like I was imploding. I had to make a change and to try to accept and understand myself. So, in that process, I have attempted to connect with some other bisexuals in an effort to be real. So far, I have kept that exploration online, again for the sake of simplicity and my low risk tolerance. But, the communication has been valuable.

Well, there are many issues at hand. I can't cover them all in a single post. Thanks again for participating.

[tenni]

Hi Semibi
I don't think that a bisexual has to chose both imo. There seems to be various groups under the bisexual banner. Some are serial monogamists and completely happy with one person. If something happens to that relationship they may select a next partner that has a different or even same gender as the past partner. Other bisexuals are less happy and more stressed with only one gender. With many bisexuals being fluid, we can not predict if our "needs" may change and it doesn't work for us anymore. For you, it may be enough to self acknowledge your sexuality at this point in time. Only time will let you know if it still works for you. Since you have not been with another man, it may gnaw at you but you still may hold to your convictions or it may not gnaw at you. Only you will know…just be true to yourself as best as you can. That is all any of us can do.

[Long Duck Dong]

why does a bisexual have to choose both sexes ??? because some of them would not get laid otherwise and in order to stop hiding who they are, they want society to change so they can stop cowering in the closet and living a lie, but rather than growing some balls and letting the people around them choose if they accept them or not, they would rather that society change for them and that requires that people like you and me live a lifestyle other than what we are happy with because we should be fitting into the box of bisexuality that they live by and what they want pushed as the norm......

what is normal for a bisexual ? the same things that are normal for a straight / gay / les person... the right to be who we are without being pushed into a corner and told how we are so wrong for living our lives our way.......

void is a poster I love because he gets it..... there is no evil monogamy that needs to be wiped out.... there is differing levels of monogamy that need to be accepted from the couple that need no other to the people that want a triad or a quad...to the people that want a self contained community......and then there is the differing levels of non monogamy, like the couples that want a triad or a quad or a self contained community ( see the blurred lines between monogamy and non monogamy, they can co exist together )

bisexuality is the same we have the people that want NSA casual sex and nothing else, the people that want a partner and casual sex, people that want partners and casual sex / nothing else and the people that want a partner and nothing else....and that is something that is a aspect of every other sexuality as well

so my advice to you, is enjoy your existence, enjoy who you are and do not feel like you have to live in a way that makes others happy and do not feel like that you have to conform as a bisexual, to any notion of what a good bisexual is.... because the people that are putting up the norm of what a good bisexual is, are bitching about how other people are living according to a norm called monogamy and how wrong conforming to a norm is.......

so if you want to be real, stop and realise that you already are as real as it gets, you are a human being and prone to change and that will not make you any less real..... trust me on that, I am a bisexual ( pansexual ) and always have been.... and the only time you are not real is when you stop being real and create a false front for others to see

[void()]

We agree Void(twice in one week..lol) I think that you describe a closed loop relationship? You have always seemed like a person who had a closed loop relationship that was a good model…except the distance factor.

Closed loop, bigamous or whatever it is called the distance is a numbing
factor. Guess that makes the hat trick. *skates round on the now copious
ice, raising hokey stick overhead* "You're wieners and still hot dogs
daw daw dawgs!"

I dislike the distance, dislike a need to continually be "sneaaaking"
around at times it seems. Her family is more traditional. Sure her
father does not really "say" anything but there's a sense of "just don't
bring it here". He's aware that I truly love his daughter and senses I
probably love "our friend" ___(elian) who does govmint werk, and seems
to understand that for me to harm anyone I love would be akin to well,
suicide, um, cutting my nose off to spite my face. So, obviously that is
something which I'll maintain due diligence in avoiding.

Also, whilst I can appreciate each lover's individuality and need of
independence, yes I have a bit of selfishness. It runs something like
this bit of idealism: *cues daydream music chimes, makes screen go wavy*
Me, C, elian all piled on a sofa watching something wholesome like as
far as a movie, maybe a Firefly marathon. Then, we get up as one, go
into kitchen for snacks.

On the table a deck of cards. They each draw a card as we head toward
the bedrooms, me ambling slowly. Whoever has the "high" card that night
gets to take me to their bed as a hubby blanket. Next day they both go
to work, I mind the house that is off grid, green, self sustaining. We
have supper that evening, maybe some droll and bland television or not,
maybe book club night.

*makes screen wavy again, hears reverse day dream chimes*

Always say too I'd love being out somewhere, getting picked up by
either or, then some staffer at the place telling the other "well, his
erm, husband/wife picked him up" Then the staffer asking me "you got a
husband and wife?" my reply "doesn't everyone?"

Sorry, my little pea sized mentality has trouble understanding "modern"
"society".

[zigzig]

It's good that you came out, and can be honest with your sexuality.
At the moment I'm also in a monogamous marriage, but me & hubby are thinking of finding a woman for me or both. Some people prefer to stay monogamous, some don't. We both talked a lot, and hubby confessed he is attracted and tempted by other women like me. So staying monogamous does't work for us.