Conundrum, Bisexual woman married to man, both love the same other woman?!?!?!

[Serene_Lover]

I guess I have to start at the beginning for you to truly understand and possibly give me some feedback.

I fell in love with a boy, I was 14, he was 17. Being young it lasted, but not too long. We were on and off for a while during that time when he fell in love with another GIRL, which they were on and off, for other reason though.
Well boy shipped off to the army at 19, returned home as a disabled veteran.
Man now back home with no family to care for him, I receive an email from an old friend (a different girl) asking about what type of person he is. I told her I hadn't spoke to him in a while but I could talk to him and find out for you.

Well one thing led to another and I ended dating this wonderful man in October of 2007. 3 1/2 Months later the GIRL returns to picture even though she wanted nothing to do with him before hand, and it seems they wanted to take off together. As all this is happening we find out I am pregnant, and so him being the wonderful man that he is, he decided he wouldn't run off, because he had to take care of his child. So, this is our past.

We have been together for almost 6 years now, and are recently married.
This GIRL has been in and out of our lives for the past 6 years.
I have always "liked" this GIRL, and he has always loved this girl.
We have a very different relationship then most married couples. We both LOVE woman, especially this particular one. We are very honest and truthful whether it hurts or not. We also know each other better then the back of our hand.


NOW that you know.

I do not know what to do, I am willing to run away with both of them and raise a happy family together, but is that even possible? I know people have their differences but cant you work it out like in every other relationship?

Sorry this is rambled, it has been running through my head for a little while now and I don't know what to do about any of it, except take it slow.

Facts:
We both like her
I am iffy on sharing, as is she
He loves both of us "equally"
She is currently in an abusive relationship.
She is his ex girl ; which they never really got a chance to "have a real relationship" because of certain issues.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please post them here....

[hasty1]

Hi Serene lover

Of course it's 'possible' to have a threeway relationship, but from my understanding (I've never experienced one) many things have to be in balance for this to work. Working for a lifetime would seem to be against the odds, it's hard enough with 2 people in the relationship. I have researched this as at one time my partner thought it might be a possibility for us, and it still might, but only if the right person comes along, but I am incredibly wary of letting another person into our lives emotionally, I don't want to upset the balance of what we have now, which I could describe as idyllic.

I can't get an idea from your post of what your husband thinks of this, perhaps it wouldn't be what he wanted anyway. Look at it this way, he has had his chance with her, she wanted nothing to do with him before he went away and when he had the choice he chose you and family life over being with her, he's since married you despite her being in his life.

I think your own advice to take it slow may be the best advice, you say you 'like' her, but he loves her. If you're iffy about sharing how would you feel about sharing his love, how would you feel if she wants a child too? I know people say that love multiplies and you can love everyone equally, but time doesn't multiply, you can only be in one place at a time. If there's a time when you feel that you have also fallen in love with her, and that the feeling is mutual then you would be sharing both of them equally, as they would you.

Honestly, in the long term I think arrangements like this can be problematic, and you have your family to think about too. If you do get into a poly relationship with the two of them then be sure that it's for your own reasons, the fact that he says he loves her and that she's in an abusive relationship isn't enough to gamble your future happiness on.

Good luck with this, you sound like a very open and loving person, I hope you all find your way through.

[Gearbox]

You don't mention how Lady X feels about you. Is she also bisexual & polyamorous and happens to love the two of you too?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

There's nothing wrong with a Poly relationship, Hon. I know several folks who do have this kind of love relationship, and it works well for them. All you can do is bring up the situation with Hubby and see where the possibilities lead. Good luck to you all.
Cat
And DSC. That was a little rash, calling the other lady a Hoe. She's not a garden impliment, and May be a very nice person. Get your Hoe's and Ho's right...lol

[zigzig]

I think it can be possible as long as you both are honest. If the girl and hubby is willing to start a poly relationship then it's good. You must try it, but be cautious since it might be your first poly relationship. Good Luck!

[elian]

Hi there!

Is there jealousy among any of you? If there is jealousy it doesn't bode well. One of the first relationships I was in was with a man whose long time girlfriend loved him so much she was willing to try it. By the end of our visit I found that I did have feelings for both of them, they were very sweet but it was a lot of work because I wanted to please both of them emotionally, plus they were very far away. If I had lived closer I might still be seeing them.. At the time they had no children which made me feel a lot more comfortable. Coming from a divorced household myself, I'll only say that I don't want to be the reason anyone breaks up an otherwise good relationship. I would rather leave then get in the way.

Would you be upset if they fell in love a lot harder than either one of them anticipated? Your husband and the other girl haven't commented so I don't really have enough information.

I don't have any easy answers. Poly relationships can work for folks but I'll only say that hopefully all of you are confident and comfortable your self image and your sexuality (or your other partners can convince you to be.)

The current relationship I am in, it took me a long time to trust that he and his wife wouldn't be jealous of the fact that I was there. Once I finally understood that I was a little more comfortable but I always tried to be sensitive to both of their feelings - even though she really didn't want to participate. She is a good woman and I can see why my BF loves her. Because he loves her, I try to respect both of them.

I never really saw myself as being the best in a "poly" relationship but I have learned a lot from being able to be with my BF, so I am glad that they were both willing to let me be there. We have moved farther apart now and it would take a while to get there but I still keep him in my heart - he's sort of like a best friend - but even more than that.

[Realist]

The last 5 posters made excellent points!

I lived with a guy and his wife for some time. Looking back, I know it was one of my best of relationships, ever.

I had attempted the same thing before, but two things were wrong about that one from the start. We entered the relationship without discussing the parameters. Then, the very person who initiated the situation was the first one to become jealous! None of us had ever done anything like that before and we didn't make an intelligent effort to ensure peace and tranquility. Jealousy and poly relationships do not mix!

To be successful, I believe that all of the actors should take time to think each facet out, be open-minded, honest, and be as willing to give as get.

As far as I'm concerned a cohesive poly relationship just made sense for me.

[Serene_Lover]

Thank you all for your comments, this gives me something to think about.
I'm really glad to read that it is possible, I have always wanted this type of relationship, but other peoples thoughts keep me from doing so sometimes.
I feel as if I have to go behind all of our family's backs just to do so.
My husband and I have always been brutally honest, and we love each other to the ends of the earth, and he loves her the same. The other girl and I just need to bond and grow a love of our own for this to work.
We have all talked about it a couple of times, problem is the other girl and I both get jealous very easily, and we have a hard time sharing.

Being the past is so long and deep it is hard to truly get everything out onto this forum.


I truly do appreciate everyone's comments, I will have to sit back and give it some thought.

If I can get some comments and concerns from my hubby and the other girl I will post them to see what y'all think.

[elian]

Hmm, parents can be a concern sometimes - there was another couple on here whose parents tried to an intervention when they simply wanted to experiment (not even really making any long term commitment) to see how they all felt.

Be quite sure that you love yourself first, with faults and all. Only when you love yourself will you know what it means to truly love another person.

You must all really love each other and try to give your time and attention so that it is not being monopolized by any one person continuously. There is no "I love him and she loves him" or "He loves her and she loves him". For it to work it's got to be all three of you saying, "I love you both and I know you love me." - with an understanding that each of you cares deeply about the other person. There is no hiding feelings - you can be gentle about the way you express yourself but always try to be respectful and honest about how you feel.

I don't OWN my current boyfriend and he doesn't OWN me. You can't own love, love is a lot more like rays of sunshine. You can't put rays of sunshine in a box for a rainy day, it just doesn't work - compassion for others we have a deep connection with comes spontaneously from the heart.

If you aren't ready to make that sort of commitment it is probably better to continue on in a manogomous relationship for now.