I left my cell phone at home, the wife is a "snooper" and found my cell phone. i've been in the closet for all my life....now the shit has hit the fan........ I love her more than I love myself. what to do now? She just told me she's going to leave me because I have bisexual urges... I dont think I can live with out her but I dont think she will understand me being bisexual.
I NEED ADVICE!
jeZus..there are some sick feks on this site Raging ol judgemental freaks.Are you "dudes" really bitter jilted women or something? OH the inhumanity and lack of compassion you show..lol OH, I see that dirk lists himself as a "straight" "man". figures.
Sorry OP
You have not really given sufficient information for anyone to give you a lot of advice will be helpful. You have same sex urges and somehow by looking at your cell phone she was able to detect this? Are there messages about you having sex with other men that she read?..or voice mails? Have you been lying to her as you are being accused?
The only advice that I can give based on the little information is two fold.
a/ open up and be honest with her
b/ protect yourself as much as you can financially should she leave. (move your money and hide as much as you can)(I know that I will be shit on for writing that..lol)
Good luck.
Last edited by tenni; May 23, 2013 at 11:04 PM.
Hey Bendy,Originally Posted by alittlebendy
Don't take things so hard. Assuming the information you have given about relationships is correct, on January 11, 2013, when you joined, you were divorced but in a LTR. On May 12, 2013, you wrote about drives to your girlfriends parents when she gave you a BJ or HJ while fingering your ass. Presumably, you got married within the last 12 days.
Been in the closet for all your life? Yes, you are out now, at least to her.
She's going to leave you because you have bisexual urges? Not because she found you have acted on them (like the $400 hotel room)? She knows you like your ass being fingered but is surprised you have "bisexual urges"? Perhaps she needs a reality check.
Don't think you can live without her? Of course you can, you've already been through one divorce, obviously, you know that relationships can change.
Need advice? That's the hard part! Advice is really nothing more than an opinion and, like assholes, everyone's got one! Seems like you have some choices. (1) You can let the relationship end, go your separate ways and suffer the heartache. (2) You can attempt to save the relationship by convincing her that your "bisexuality" is a thing of the past and you are committed and will remain true to her alone. (3) You can attempt to save the relationship by convincing her you love only her and will remain true to her on an emotional basis, but you can't deny your bisexuality which is nothing more than a need to fulfill physical urges; you are not, and have never been romantically interested in guys.
Option One is easy. Just sit back and let it happen.
Option Two might work, but will bring you even more problems in the future. Based on your posts, it is doubtful that you can instantly become totally monogamous without taking action on your bisexual urges at some point in the future.
Option Three is by far the hardest. Opening an honest dialogue with someone you have not been totally open with is difficult. An even more difficult task is redefining your relationship to include the freedom for you to express your bisexuality. That means even more change for her than for you with regard to attitudes about love, physicality, acceptance of alternative lifestyles, etc. Everything about your relationship will have to be open to negotiation and compromise. You will have to realize that it might not work and, if you don't find a common ground, you could be back to Option One.
The only advice I can give you is be honest with yourself about who you are and what your needs are and don't establish long term relationships without a full disclosure to the other party and their acceptance of you as a complete individual as you are, and vice versa.
Pappy
Honestly, she's threatening to leave you because you've cheated, by your own admission on this site. This is the risk you took, and you will have to bear the consequences whatever they eventually turn out to be. She may have accepted your bisexual urges, as I do my partners, but you didn't give her the choice. What's done is done though and at the moment it may feel like the end of the world but if she loves you there may be hope. Much depends on her attitude to cheating, for me it would be a hard thing to overcome and I doubt my ability to do it, but I've not been put to the test. If it's really a deal breaker for her then there's not much you can do. The only advice I can give you is complete and utter honesty, with yourself and with her. Make sure she understands the importance you place on having her in your life, and place your bisexuality in it's correct place, how important it is if you know, whether you could be monogamous in the future and answer all her questions.
I have a question for you, how would you feel if you have found that she had cheated on you? Do you rely on her fidelity in the same way she has relied on yours? Be honest with yourself, it's too easy to say now 'of course I wouldn't mind' How would you really react and feel? She's shocked, hurt and angry at the moment, maybe you can get your relationship back, maybe not but whilst not wishing to heap on the misery this is the outcome of decisions that you made, and you must have always known that this was a possibility? Or did you imagine you could fool her and base your relationship on an untruth forever? I understand that society makes honesty a difficult decision, but with those you love and are having a sexual relationship with, well I think we would all like to think that we were in an honest relationship.
PS - if she does leave then my advice is to be financially fair with her, I think it's the least you can do. That's not 'give her everything and let her take you to the cleaners', just do the decent thing.
I agree with both Hasty1 and bityme but Just forget dirkdiggler & drugstore-cowboy's comments for a minute. No one knows karma, and really to throw up karma in a one life event is stupid. Karma is over lifetimes. Hence perspective is important. I agree that honesty is very important but I can not throw stones. Sorry dirkdiggler & drugstore-cowboy,
but you are being given a chance to come to terms with who you are or want to be. Don't lose this opportunity to grow, learn from your past. Be honest with yourself.
Sam
Do not be afraid of death, be afraid of a boring life.
Wow. Thanks for making me feel from "bad" to "su sucidial". Dirk and Drugstore. If only we were all as pius and without err as you two the world would be filled with rainbow unicorn ponies and our sewers would smell. Like tulips. Must be nice to be so fucking perfect, and never ever had had confusion about your sexuality...or anything for that mattier. I hear there is an opening for Christ. Maybe you two can apply. You could even take turns being Jesus. One day Drugstore can be without sin, the next day Dirk can raise Lazurus from the dead and heal the blind with mud and spit.
To bytime: yeah she is my "girlfriend" but we are only missing apiece of paper.to be husband and wife. We wear rings, share a house, have each other as " contact in case of accident". Except for taxes and the fact they got rid of common law marrige in this state we are married.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but a divorce court doesn't care if he was cheating with men, women, animals or Martians. Division of property, if there is any division (in a lot of cases there isn't), is the same whether she is divorcing him because he is a 'cheater' or whether she had a whim to run off to join the circus
[QUOTE=alittlebendy;251271]
"I left my cell phone at home, the wife is a "snooper" and found my cell phone. i've been in the closet for all my life....now the shit has hit the fan........ I love her more than I love myself. what to do now? She just told me she's going to leave me because I have bisexual urges... I dont think I can live with out her but I dont think she will understand me being bisexual. "
I didnt see anywhere where it stated that you Had cheated, but the main factor is, you Did withhold pertinent information from her. Withholding info is as bad as cheating, Hon. Hopefully, ya'll can get into some kind of counseling and get this straightened out. If not, I'm sorry for ya.
And for Dirk and Drugstore, go take a chill pill somewhere. Both of you need help with your Grumpy-Cat impressions.
Cat
I'm tryin' my best to leave a loving foot print on the hearts of the folks who's lives I touch..longly, or briefly..:}
Minx
Women and cats will do as they please, so men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein
I think all you can do is to reassure her that you love her. If you were ashamed, afraid or too embarrassed to tell her that you think you like both men and women, now is the time to admit that. There are a lot of hurt feelings right now on both sides so it may not feel like it but you are not alone and you are still loved. Please keep talking, and be as honest as you can.
I don't want 2 sound unsympathetic, cos that isn't my intention, but name of thread isn't rite is it? U weren't outed.. u wer rumbled. Wy she decided 2 snoop I have no idea and u haven't really given us a clue.. we can only assume u were acting in a way wich made her be suspicious or summat else made her wonder... I assume she hasn't told the world cos u haven't sed.. if she does then u will have been outed.. trouble wiv being naughty boy or girl and not saying owt 2 ya partner no matter the gender and sexuality of the people involved.. fair chance u will do summat daft 2 make them suss ya.. and if u get rumbled allya can do is hold hands up and say "K.. soz..(grovel grovel) it's a fair cop" and try and repair the damage somehow... and trust me.. hav been ther and done that.. and it isn't easy..and it involves a lot of pain and a lot of talking and u may never save the relationship.. trust is a difficult thing 2 regain 1ce it's been wrecked... but it isn't impossible. Trouble with monogamous relationships... peeps dont take kindly 2 3rd parties becoming involved no matter the sexuality and gender of those 3rd parties...
Last edited by darkeyes; May 26, 2013 at 1:44 PM.
Do not think so little of me as to grant me your tolerance. Allow me your acceptance and understanding of who and what I am with the love, respect and dignity with which I do you.
Yeah. I was thinking the same thing. If the gal would have seen his private stuff, then told everyone about it, that would be outing him. He was just discovered.
yeah, but she must have had some Reason for snooping. That's why "Most" women go snooping, because they Suspect that something is amiss, and/or going on in the first place. If she had that insecurity, then there must be a reason that Prompted it in the first place. She was looking for answers, and looks like she found them. But there's a wise old saying, too: "Be careful what you seek. Make sure its the answers you want"
Good Luck, Guys...
Cat
I'm tryin' my best to leave a loving foot print on the hearts of the folks who's lives I touch..longly, or briefly..:}
Minx
Women and cats will do as they please, so men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein
Yeah, but snooping and outing are two different things, although I suppose he was inadvertently outed to her.
That sort of snooping would be a deal breaker for me, though. I wouldn't stand for it. Then again, some of us leave our stuff so out in the open it's not hard to stumble upon.
Cat - I based what I said about him cheating by his own admission on his other posts on this site, not this one. I wasn't assuming. x
before yall get all buzzed up on this subject----- what the heck was she doing going thru your phone?????thats like going thru you wallet or going thru your mail.she needs to learn that privacy needs to be maintained..... if it aint hers then hands off
so snooping is unethical but fucking other guys behind her back is not?
i say, dont do the crime if you cant do the time.
Last edited by cherry88; May 28, 2013 at 6:42 AM.
Based on reports on this site:
a/ women tend to go into their partner's personal space such as cell phones because they lack trust and are possessive more so than men. I don't recall one report here that a man went into his wife's cell phone/emails.
b/ men tend to have sex with other men without the woman knowing ..aka..cheat because the guy doesn't think that the woman will "understand". I don't recall one woman saying that they cheated with another woman because their husbands won't understand.
Which is the worse crime? Both are wrong but there seems to be more dislike/negative comments for men who have sex with other men without informing their female partner.
The OP's gf was wronged and she found that out by wronging him. On both counts it seems "Serves your right!" would fit.
Strangely though, coz the OP's gf found something while snooping, some would think she was 'right' to snoop. I doubt she'd report her snooping if she didn't find anything, same as the OP wouldn't admit his cheating unless caught.
The OP's gf would be excused of her trust issues coz all blame for that would be put on the OP - he must have acted suspiciously to MAKE her snoop etc. But no such excuse is made for the OP's cheating. THAT in a monog relationship is the ultimate sin and many start throwing stones on the get go.
No such thing as 'He/she must have MADE him/her cheat!'. All blame is put on the cheater as if he/she had no reason to cheat.
There's ALWAYS a reason, but many would rather view it as an act of pure evil.
Trust me, tenni.. men r every bit as paranoid as women wen it cums 2 snooping!
Do not think so little of me as to grant me your tolerance. Allow me your acceptance and understanding of who and what I am with the love, respect and dignity with which I do you.
Ok tenni and gearbox, what's the answer? How have you dealt with insecurities on your relationships? What do you do when your partner, who you believe you are having a monogamous relationship with, is acting suspiciously and has changed their behaviour and denies that there is anything to discuss? Maybe they're both wrong in this scenario so what's the right thing? This is an honest question, I really want to know what I can expect from my relationship with my bisexual man, is it inevitable he will cheat on me? If he does do I have to forgive and ignore because he's bisexual? Do I have the right to find out?
Putting aside whether or not snooping is something that wives should do, here's my take on your situation:
First, you need to sit down and talk to her. I suggest you get everything out in the open NOW... no trickle truth, no parsing of words. You (a) denied her informed consent by withholding your bisexuality from her when you got married, (b) you cheated on her and (c) you lied. Apologize for all of these.
Do NOT apologize for being bisexual and having those urges. These are NOT something you can decide to have/not have.
Second, ask her to read some of the notable books on bisexuality so she realizes that what you are telling her isn't just a line of BS.
Third, ask her not to make any decisions yet. This will give you time to get into marriage counseling.
Fouth, there are some Yahoo groups you and she can join. Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work (for both of you), Alternate Paths (AP) and Wives of Bi/Gay Husbands (WOBGH) for her. AP concentrates on making marriages work, WOBGH is decidedly anti-bi/gay husbands. My wife belongs to both because she wants to hear both sides of the story.
What will happen over the next few months? If you stay together over the next few months, this is what you can expect:
Hurt
Anger
Confusion
Questioning
You married her knowing you were bi and never told her.
Your marriage was a lie.
Mistrust... something that is difficult to earn back.
She will try to fuck you straight.
In the course of a day, she will want to kill you, make love to you, divorce you, stay married to you.
This is normal. It's a roller coaster ride and you're along for the ride IF you want to stay married.
As I said, important to get everything out now while you can. The slightest misstep as you try to recover will just send any efforts into a tailspin.
IMO if you want honesty and disclosure you have to reject monogamy in the sexual exclusive sense, and all the trappings that got you there. Nothing to do with being bisexual!
Contrary to belief, I have been in a few monog relationships and have never cheated. But I also have never accepted any sexual monog holds on any partner. As far as I was concerned they were free to go have sex with who they please. IMO, neither I or anybody else, has any right to demand otherwise. To believe that you do, is to build a castle on sand and create a little bubble for any insecurities you have yet to deal with. Its the first act of 'cheating' that gets ignored when moral stones get flung at the sexual 'cheater'.
Can you expect your husband to cheat? That depends on how long you drag your heels protecting your issues, and how strong his need to act as person is against acting as a partner/how badly he needs a man.
You'll notice that the most common reason for 'cheating' is that (1) My partner will NEVER understand why or how badly I need sex with others. (2) He/she will NEVER feel ok with me having sex with others. (3) I don't want to leave her/him to have sex with others.
The obvious solution (to some) is to have sex with others in secrecy and spare them the trauma - cheat!
Do you have a right to snoop into his mobile etc (find out)? No of course you don't!
If you think he needs to go behind your back at any time, that is when you really need to consider WHY you think its better for him behind your back than in front of your face. THAT is what you need to investigate, and not his e-mail accounts etc.
You'll only possibly find outcomes there, and not the causes.
Hasty
If you have been reading this site, you have a clue that bisexual men have a wide range of behaviours and needs.
If above all else, you want a monogamous relationship and you want your bisexual partner to be happy, you may be up against the wall of a lost effort.
If you believe that he is not being honest with you, that is complex. He thinks that he can not disclose his inner thoughts to you without being threatened. You feel threatened by his behaviour and what you perceive as dishonesty. I know that other women and hetero husbands have been able to become accepting of their bisexual partner.
You already know that he is bisexual. If you want to know when he is having sex with men, I think that you do but why is your interaction not working?
Why is it so important to you that he not have sex with other men? Do you believe that he does not love you if he has sex with a man? Disease? Can you come up with some rules /boundary that you can accept about having sex with men? Or do you fear that he won't honestly agree to them?
Last edited by tenni; May 28, 2013 at 4:49 PM.
I have been in relationships where I have been cheated on.... and to be simply and bluntly honest, every time the attitude of the cheater, has been one of selfishness and a narrow point of view about how their wants, needs and desires are of more importance and value than the relationship that they also want, with all of the benefits...
the wants, needs and desires of a bisexual are a valid and legit issue.... but the excuses used to justify their actions, rely on their ability to blame their partner for their actions..... " I am sorry dear, but I had to cheat as you would not understand about something that I never talked to you about or gave you the option to express your opinion about it, therefore I am right and you are wrong ".... or in my case, it was more simply put to me as as " get over it, you can not stop me, I will fuck who ever I want "
hasty, many partners are not left with a choice or a option... its never given to them in the first place, yet the choice to cheat and have sex with others, is exercised by the cheater, whom will be quick to argue that they had no choice..... " I am sorry dear, I have no other option than to go to church and have sex with the priest behind your back and then lie to you about it as you gave me no choice because I decided that you will not be happy about it and react adversely "....
each people is going to deal with their own securities in their own way..... and for me, it was easier to be honest and up front with my current partner from the start about who and what I was, rather than build a relationship and then rip the carpet out from under her feet....so its dealt with most of the insecurities but there are some that will forever remain....
do you have to forgive and forget ? no... nobody has to, but the world is full of people that will tell you what you should be doing, for the benefit of the other persons peace of mind, not yours, as you are being regarded as a monogamous minded person, therefore you are selfish, possessive and not considering the need of your partner to have random sex with strangers..... and will your partner cheat ? well, its impossible to say, but be sure of one thing, you never held a gun to his head and forced him to have sex with other people, he made that choice when he chooses to cheat and betray your trust......
drugstore is correct,... bisexuality and monogamy can co exist for some people, for others they can not.... only you and your partner know for sure if your relationship may or may not work and what would it would take to make it work.....but one things for sure, you are not responsible for what your partner does with their dick, they are, in the same way that your heterosexual desires do not *force * you to go out and have sex with other males.....
The only thing more painful than a broken heart, is catching yourself in your zip and having very cold hands
Thank you so much for the common sense LDD.
I already know for my own relationship that these are not issues that concern us, it concerns me however that someone who only knows me only through my posts, and my partner not at all, can state that I can expect cheating from him. He's a unique and wonderful individual, and although there have been wobbly moments they have all come from me and not understanding that he's an honest man and true to his word. You see I have experienced cheating before, but at the time my marriage was to all intents and purposes over and I didn't care, rather hoped he would leave me for her! It gave me an interesting viewpoint to observe a cheating man, the selfishness and the casualness with which it was done. Of course when he realised I knew it all came to an end but it we were all but done by then. Interesting that he still wanted me and our family, and was devastated when we left, he just thought it was okay to take what extra he wanted.
My questions regarding me and my relationship were hypothetical, I don't 'demand' anything of my partner, I wonder what I said that would make someone think that I dictate our relationship? We have talked about things at length and we have agreed boundaries and I trust him to keep to them. Anything outside that agreement would be considered cheating by both of us. I don't 'have' to reject monogamy as gearbox says, my partner and I have agreed an alternative but I don't 'have' to do anything. Setting boundaries is a great idea, for most people the marriage contract is their template, for people like us a different model may be required, but stepping outside that is cheating. Neither tenni or gearbox answered the question of what they would do if they they were in a position of possibly being cheated on. Would they take steps to find out? Would they end the relationship on the suspicion? When you have years invested in a relationship it's not an easy question to deal with.
One thing I do know is that if I had found this site at a time when I was deeply insecure about our relationship and what it meant for us, reading posts that suggest bisexual men have needs that trump their parters, and their partners just had to accept it, may (probably would) have made me feel even more insecure, I may have even left him. Not a good outcome for the bisexual man in this scenario, as there are other factors that make us a strong couple and a good match. I don't doubt that tenni and gearbox are sincere, and that their particular moral compass works for them, but it may not work for all.
Not all of us believe that bisexual men have all of the say in a relationship hasty, they have about half of the say, or even less if children are involved.. Some people can make it work, and some can't. Do you stay in a relationship where both of you are so miserable that you rip each other apart?
Men are used to just taking what they want, most of us have been trained to be aggressive and act on what we want because if we don't take it, someone else will. They don't really know any better until you present them with the other point of view. I had to read a few books just to be able to see the start of the difference between the way men and women perceive the world. Reading about it doesn't make it any easier, but at least I have 1/16th of a clue now.
It is interesting that some people theorize male homophobia is based on the hatred of women in our male-dominated society. I don't always get this hatred because it's not like every man doesn't have a mother. Maybe Sigmund Fraud was right? Perhaps men do harbor subconscious angst against their mothers? (tries to imagine a world without "gender") Or maybe you are right and it is simply a case of being selfish. If you've never experienced the pain of breaking up a relationship that way, you don't know what it feels like so "sellfishness" is possible too.
Last edited by elian; May 29, 2013 at 5:31 AM.
Interesting debate.. one which we have had in various forms over the years..... peeps cheat cos they want to.. many go out and do it for no other reason than they want sex with other than the person with whom they are married/partnered.. go out.. quite deliberately with that intention... they go out quite deliberately with the aim of getting laid, but it isn't that the wife/husband will not understand them at all.. often God help a cheater's wife/husband/partner if they shud even think of nipping out for a quikkie or to get laid by a 3rd party... ther is often a smidge of hypocrisy about it.. peeps go out and get laid and cheat cos the last thing they want is even giving ther partner an excuse to think of having it away outside of the relationship.. it isn't just male bisexuals prone to this.. all sexualities and both genders are.. I make no comment on whether men or women are the worst of the two genders at this but I have me own opinion... no I do not say every man or woman is so shud they cheat for that isn't the case.. but many.. maybe even most are.. but that is quite a contentious thing to say and it is not a claim I could make with any certainty.
Peeps also cheat just cos the opportunity arose and someone walked into ther line of vision who they fancied strongly... or circumstance made it possible.. lil too much plonk.. a heady atmosphere... even peer pressure from m8s make them cheat... it is impulsive.. not planned but circumstance and human desire make it happen.. plus of course a fair ole dollop of lack of control. Few of us are entirely in control of every aspect of our lives and of our essence.. sometimes we just do something considered out of character because it seemed rite at the time. We wanted it.. needed... and so we thump someone, or cause an argument, or stay off work, miss an appointment.. or we get ourselves laid by someone not our husband, wife or partner... we are human and full of human failing... arguably the world over, there is more infidelity than fidelity even in the most macho male oriented and religious societies.. which begs the question.. are we meant to be monogamous? Or are we conditioned to accept monogamy as the right thing because of the power that historically religion or state and men in particular have had over women, and now that in the west at least bisexuality and homosexuality are much more accepted, that those who scream about cheating in the lgbt world have bought the norm of str8 society and transposed it to the queer?? I don't know the answer to that but do think about it a great deal...
When it comes to cheating, Gear.. the obvious solution u offer does avoid trauma, maybe.. unless the naughty boy or girl gets rumbled and then the arguments and heartache begin... or of course unless the little woman or even the little man suddenly find themselves with a dose of the clap or worse and can't explain why.... and having known at least one relationship where the unfaithful man turned the tables on his (completely faithful) wife and blamed her "infidelities" for the nasty little pox he contracted, sometimes the obvious solution has some really nasty, unseen and quite unforgiving and unforgivable consequences... no doubt there r women who do same so I am not making either gender out 2 b better than t'otha...
God knows, I have cheated and am not so very proud of it... I am no paragon of virtue.. there is no easy solution to the question of monogamy or polygamy/polyamory.. to fidelity or cheating... no easy solutions to overcoming people's own prejudices.. whether it be homosexuality or bisexuality or any other sexuality, human beings are so complex, no matter what we believe we are likely in given circumstances to do things we would not otherwise do.. and then we begin to justify it to ourselves often by blaming the other partner in our relationship.. we, each of us, have to find our own way and deal with it as best we can. Having a completely open polyamorous lifestyle makes sense to me but not to my partner among millions of others... it isn't an easy thing to resolve, and I'm not sure we shall ever entirely. It would help if we went into relationships with open eyes and complete honesty and many do... but even in such relationships there often comes a point when the possessiveness of one begins to impinge on the freedom of the other... a previously agreed freedom. Possessiveness is what monogamy is about.. and so ingrained is it in the human psyche after millenia of indoctrination that even those of us who are free and liberal sexually and think we have dismissed that indoctrination into the rubbish bin, we find we are not as free and liberal as we believed ourselves to be when we find our partner getting down to some free and liberal sex with someone who is not us....
Tenni, has often made the claim that bisexual people, especially men have needs wich make them special.. or ther sexuality special.. I have always argued this point cos as individuals we r all special and whether heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual we all have sexual needs wich may encourage any of us to break out of the trap of monogamy and dabble elsewhere... some of us are capable of staying monogamous.. some r not... irrespective of sexuality or gender... Duckie argues the holier than thou stance which is right from a certain point of view, yet is of help to no-one.. we should all be so perfect...
...and as I have never been able easily to condemn a person for being unfaithful, (and neither would I ever condone it), I find it difficult to condemn a person for doing what they can to find out just wot ther partner is up 2... I don't encourage those in monogamous relationships to be unfaithful, but neither can I find it in my heart to condemn those in such relationships for snooping shud they have gud reason 2 suspect ther partner of being naughty boy or girl...it wud have been wiser not to enter into a monogamous relationship at all, but having done so under a certain set of understandings and agreements, when doubt exists as 2 one or otha partner sticking 2 those understandings and agreements then I find it understandable that people snoop, espesh if one partner will simply not discuss it or denies that anything has changed... better that they didn't enter monogamous relationships, but its how peeps r... if I was suspicious of my partner for being for instance a mass murderer or doing anything contrary 2 my sense of right and wrong what am I to do? It is at least arguable that if she changed how she acted and her routine, that a certain amount of detective work wud b necessary... or... as a friend of mine (who had 2 kids) found once... her partner was selling their home out from under them so he cud bugger off out of the relationship.. she knew little till he just upped and went and told her he had sold the bloody house and she had 30 days to vacate and find a new home for herself and the kids... she didnt snoop... but she knew summat wos up and asked.. got nothing out of him and brooded.. and ended up out on street with 2 kids...maybe hun, she shud have snooped a little dontcha think?
There is no black and white in relationships..not real relationships.. the various shades of grey predominate because human beings are such complex creatures... we are selfish and we are also compassionate and caring yet often we act as if we simply dont give a sod and do our thing for a myriad of reasons and then we attempt to justify what we have done to ourselves and if caught out, either we clam up, lie or attempt to justify our selfishness to a partner....Nothing is simple.. but those of us who cheat or have cheated should do one thing.. we should not shove the blame onto our partner and talk about not being understood.. or, no matter their gender or orientation, that we have needs that they cannot supply,,, we have needs sure... and we want to sate them.. we do it because we want to.. we may be driven to it, but it is not our partner who drives us to it.. it is ourselves...
Last edited by darkeyes; May 29, 2013 at 8:28 AM.
Do not think so little of me as to grant me your tolerance. Allow me your acceptance and understanding of who and what I am with the love, respect and dignity with which I do you.
Ok so you didn't like the honest answers to your honest questions. Any need to go into denial mode?
This is what you posted -This is what I get for answering you -You now claim that your questions are hypothetical and that you and your husband are a perfect couple in a perfect relationship. But since you have joined here you have continually posted about how you are attempting to ALLOW your husband to act on his bisexual urges and have sex with a man, and that your insecurities are making that very difficult for you.these are not issues that concern us, it concerns me however that someone who only knows me only through my posts, and my partner not at all, can state that I can expect cheating from him.
That is where anybody who has ever read your posts will get the idea that you have issues and that YOU dictate the boundaries of your relationship.
My replies may have made you more insecure, but that is what YOU asked for.
To answer your question in a more direct way - I would NOT be in a position of being cheated on. That isn't something that's possible. Like I explained already, I have never put sexual exclusive restraints on partners for them to break.
I would not snoop into their e-males and phones either! Would you do that?
If you and the lovely LDD want to talk about selfishness in relationships and 'moral compasses', that would be fine by me. If either of you can stick to one version of 'honesty' for more than two posts that would be much appreciated too.
“Neither tenni or gearbox answered the question of what they would do if they they were in a position of possibly being cheated on. Would they take steps to find out? Would they end the relationship on the suspicion? When you have years invested in a relationship it's not an easy question to deal with. “
Did you actually ask this question? Sorry, I did not get that this was significant to you.
I have been cheated on by a woman. I did not go snooping Did I end the relationship because of the cheating? No, I did not. Unfortunately, we could not meet each other’s needs and our communication failed. I still have feelings for this woman many years later but I know that our needs are not aligned. We are better apart.
This idea that a bisexual’s needs trumps their partners is interesting message that you seem to be getting. It is not intended to be a message from me. Reverse it and do you believe that a hetero’s needs trump a bisexual’s needs?
Hasty you did not answer my question about why it is so important that a bisexual man not have sex with another man? If you can not find boundary rules that work for both of you, then your relationship may not be worth keeping. One’s needs should not trump the other.
Yes a bisexual can be monogamous but not all bisexuals will be happy being monogamous. Those of us like bityme and Realist state this as well as Gear and myself. If the person is an intersexed asexual he will have few struggles with wanting to have physical sex with anyone. If he is more same sex attraction bisexual then he may not have needs for sex with a woman. It may not be common sense as much as no need sense.
Now, Hasty this thread is not about you and your insecurities about being a hetero monogamist with a bi husband. Start your own thread about your insecurities and how you would have left your husband if you read bisexuals honestly posting on a bisexual thread and it upset you.
Last edited by tenni; May 29, 2013 at 8:46 AM.
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