Should I break up with him and explore women?

**shoshann** · Jan 12, 2012, 9:52 AM

I'm in my twenties, and I identify as a Kinsey 4. That is, I'm bi, but more attracted to women. I've been dating a boy for almost four years now, and for the last two, I've been completely obsessed with my sexuality. I've known on and off since I was in my teens that women turn me on more than men, but I've always pushed it out of my mind because I always seemed to have a crush on a guy. Well, I was pretty unlucky in love, so my only experience with anybody is my current boyfriend. I was absolutely head over heels for him when we first got together, and I was so happy with him for the first year and a half. Lovey-dovey, rainbows, I'm-going-to-marry-him happy. After that, the honeymoon period started to end, and I stopped getting as turned on by him. That caused me to start thinking about my sexuality, which I had never really taken seriously before. What if I'm a lesbian? Is that why it takes me longer to get aroused? Was I never really attracted to him in the first place, and just more turned on by the thought of having a boyfriend?

I know now that I was truly attracted to him, and I really, truly loved him, but things are so different now. Obsessing 24/7 over my sexuality has ruined our relationship, specifically on my side. I feel like I'm no longer attracted to him. On particularly pessimistic days, I know for sure that our relationship is over, that we need to break up and I need to be with a woman. On optimistic days, I can take a step back from the worrying, and remind myself that I do like men, I used to love being with him in every way, and that we can make it work. I miss what we had so much, and if there's any way at all, I really want to work on our relationship and stay with him.

So, I guess, my question: is it possible for someone who's bi, but prefers women (but has ZERO experience with women), to have a happy, loving relationship with a man? In my heart of hearts, I want to be with him, but I just feel like I'll be wondering what if the whole time. This situation is tearing me up, and I'm so desperate for a resolution.

**Jobelorocks** · Jan 12, 2012, 10:11 AM

It is plenty possible for a bi woman who prefers women over men to be perfectly happy with a man. If you really want to make it work with him, then do it. Maybe you should consider telling him that you are bisexual if you haven't already. I know that this may be hard and only you can choose whether you should or not (because you are the one who will have to live with the consequences good or bad). Maybe he would even be cool with you playing with other women.

I am a happily married bi woman married to a straight man (I am different from you in that I prefer men to women I am a Kinsey 2 I am rated a 3 on here because they do not start from 0). My husband is fine with my bisexuality and lets me play with women and I am very happy and pleased with my sex life and my marriage in general.

If you don't really want to make things work, or you really desire trying to be with a woman romantically, then maybe it is worth a try. If you really love him and want to be with him it will take work to bring excitement back and to make things work out. As a married woman, I know relationships take work and that you also have to work on your sex life, because some excitement is lost once you have been together for a while. I suggest always changing things up and continue to explore your sexualities together. Hope this has helped.

**shoshann** · Jan 12, 2012, 10:40 AM

It has helped a lot, actually, thank you. I don't know any bi people personally, so hearing from a married bi woman is great. I've starting reading relationship advice all over the internet about getting that spark back, and that's exactly what I plan to do with him. I really appreciate your time.

**tenni** · Jan 12, 2012, 10:42 AM

I think that this aspect of yourself is something that you should discuss with your boyfriend. I was just following on another bi site the same question but from a man in his early 20's. He wanted to have his girlfriend move in and begin to plan a family. He knew that he had strong urges to be with a man but had not. The advice given to him is the same advice that I will give to you.

You should explore your same sex side before you decide to marry and have children. Whether this can be done at the same time as you maintain a relationship with your boyfriend is to be determined by the two of you. This same sex attraction is not something to repress. If the present boyfriend is not comfortable with this aspect of you, then he is not really for you. You need to explore it before complicating your life any more with a husband and children to find out later that yes, you want to be with a woman and not your husband. Good luck.

**shoshann** · Jan 12, 2012, 10:44 AM

tenni, would you mind linking to that other site? I'd like to read the answers given to him.

**tenni** · Jan 12, 2012, 10:48 AM

Sorry, but it is a site for bimen only and so you may not post. There is a female side of the site that you may post on. You may read what is posted though on the shybiguy side and the woman's side (shy-bi.com). I don't remember the thread title. It is called Shybiguy if you google it.

**Realist** · Jan 12, 2012, 11:45 AM

Shoshann,

The advice above is from those who have been were you are now going. All of it, as I read it, seems pertinent and noteworthy.

I believe what you are experiencing is, what I call the Pendulum Syndrome. Our desire for both genders swings from hot and cold, then back again. That is so evident in your writings.

Since you have not actually had an intimate relationship with another girl, you really don't know, yet, if you can have a successful relationship with one, or not.

These are symptoms of bi curiosity and may lead you to being a full-fledged bisexual, or not.

You are presently on a journey of discovery, young and still trying to find yourself. And, if I were you, I think it'd be prudent if you didn't make any solid commitment to your boyfriend, or anyone, until you understand yourself and them, better.

I know how difficult it is to listen to advice of those older than you, but we've been there, done that, ourselves. (especially me) How many times have I...along with millions of others....wished they'd known themselves better, before they began commitments they were really not sure of?

Also, if you feel conflicted, you should know that it is possible to love more than one person. In fact, the best relationships I ever had were with both genders.

Good luck in your trip through life!

**Light_and_Dark** · Jan 12, 2012, 12:37 PM

I am a pansexual woman. I like all kinds of sexualities and people, but when it comes to the two general genders that people usually only think about. Female and male.
I prefer women over men but the thing that you should think about is it sexually you prefer women over men or is it other things that you prefer woman over men for.
I may prefer women over men but it all depends on what categorizes. Sexually, I prefer women but relationship wise (love, romance and etc.) I like both.
Even if women turn me on more than men, no woman could turn me on more than the man I truly love with all my heart.
Its all matter of where your heart, mind and body lay.

You have to try to figure things out dear. Really think about you feel with your man and how you would feel with a woman. Experiment if you can, but only if your man is okay with it. And you don't have to experiment in real life, you can try cybering.

is it possible for someone who's bi, but prefers women (but has ZERO experience with women), to have a happy, loving relationship with a man?

And the answer to your question-It is for some. Not for everyone. The real question is do you feel or believe that you can?

Well I hope you can find your answer.

~BHI~

**drugstore cowboy** · Jan 12, 2012, 1:35 PM

I read your post it sounds as though you've already made up your mind to break up with this guy. You're in your 20s you have the rest of your life to find a man and settle down with him or even marry him if that's what you really want to do.

Only you know if you're bisexual or if you're a lesbian since you said how you wind up not having any sexual attraction at all to men.

**shoshann** · Jan 12, 2012, 1:48 PM

It's not that I don't have sexual attraction to men, on the contrary. I just feel like it's my boyfriend himself, honestly. I am sexually more into women, but when the right man comes along, it's all about him.

**jimdawg** · Jan 12, 2012, 3:32 PM

Generally in relationships, there is a cool down period. I sort of fear it. The question once you reach it is, is there anything left? Mind you, some people are lucky to never go into this, and some people it takes a long time, but there's a reason a lot of married people seem not to be having sex.

A newer attraction to women might also be acting out on this impulse, not new as in never had it before but renewed. You're bored, and that's as different as you can be. When I date women, I tend to be more interested in gay porn after a while than other porns. When I'm single, my porn tastes goes both ways. And if I'm very new with a woman, I prefer porn where I can imagine my girlfriend.

Do you think you wouldn't crave men if you were with a woman this long? If the answer is no, then you might be a lesbian. If the answer is yes, the problem is you're bored, not your sexuality.

And boredom is an important problem with couples.

**Light_and_Dark** · Jan 12, 2012, 4:16 PM

I agree with jimdawg on the point that it might be boredom.

Though I don't agree with

Do you think you wouldn't crave men if you were with a woman this long? If the answer is no, then you might be a lesbian. If the answer is yes, the problem is you're bored, not your sexuality.

With every person it is different. With me I do not crave a man when I am with a woman, I only crave a man when I'm single or been away from my man far too long. Yet I am not a lesbian.

shoshann,
Maybe you need to spice things up with your man? Maybe your relationship and everything needs some spicing up.

~BHI~

**Cherokee_Mountaincat** · Jan 12, 2012, 5:10 PM

Have you considered Having a fling with a girl to find out if its your liking or not? You'll never know until you try, girlfriend. Experiment, discover you and your sexuality, then decide if you want a relationship with a man, Or a woman. Youre young, you have time. Discover, but play safe at all times..:}

Cat

**drugstore cowboy** · Jan 12, 2012, 5:49 PM

Originally Posted by shoshann

It's not that I don't have sexual attraction to men, on the contrary. I just feel like it's my boyfriend himself, honestly. I am sexually more into women, but when the right man comes along, it's all about him.

OK then if you really love your BF and want to marry him or see yourself marrying him I would stay with him. DO NOT cheat on him like some people are suggesting.

Originally Posted by Cherokee_Mountaincat

Have you considered Having a fling with a girl to find out if its your liking or not? You'll never know until you try, girlfriend. Experiment, discover you and your sexuality, then decide if you want a relationship with a man, Or a woman. Youre young, you have time. Discover, but play safe at all times..:}

Cat

Way to advocate cheating and telling her to have an affair.

I doubt that her BF even wants her to have sex with other women or anyone other than him.

Most people are NOT ok with their partner having "flings", affairs, or just cheating like you're telling this woman she should do.

"playing" safe with a woman is completely different from having safer sex with men. Considering how you've posted in the past about how unsafe you are you're the last person this woman or anyone should be going to for advice on safer sex.

**Light_and_Dark** · Jan 12, 2012, 6:59 PM

Originally Posted by drugstore cowboy

OK then if you really love your BF and want to marry him or see yourself marrying him I would stay with him. DO NOT cheat on him like some people are suggesting.

Way to advocate cheating and telling her to have an affair.

I doubt that her BF even wants her to have sex with other women or anyone other than him.

Most people are NOT ok with their partner having "flings", affairs, or just cheating like you're telling this woman she should do.

"playing" safe with a woman is completely different from having safer sex with men. Considering how you've posted in the past about how unsafe you are you're the last person this woman or anyone should be going to for advice on safer sex.

First off, I didn't see anyone saying she should cheat on him. I know I never said for her to cheat, I said to explore only if her man is okay with it. And it is her choice whether or not she wants to include her man in her decision.
I am one who also has to get permission for any sexual interaction with anyone else but my man. I am usually a believer of "you don't need permission for the same-sex sexual interaction" but then again thats only if my man does not care if I fool around with women.
And whats your definition of cheating? A attracted person going behind their partners back and fooling around with another or them just plainly fooling around with others even with permission from their partner?

~BHI~

**Kellyt80** · Jan 26, 2012, 8:00 AM

I just joined this site and am in a similar boat as you are, although I am in my 30s and married with two kids. It ends up being way more complicated. I suggest you be open with your boyfriend about it (something that has been very hard for me to do with my husband) and tell him you need to explore/figure out what you want. Do it now, trust me!

I also feel like I am more attracted to women then men, but not sure what that means in the confines of my marriage. It is very confusing, that is for sure.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

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