cocky
we are often told that we are living in a man’s world
and in this culture
no image represents power
more than the phallic symbol
and if the penis equals power
then i am illegally armed
and my body
full of freckles and feminine curves
is like a stealth bomber
i fly just under everyone’s radar
but only because they choose not to see me
only because nobody wants to believe
that a sweet, petite green-eyed girl like me
could ever possibly be packing heat
they say that it’s not the size of the wand
but the magic that it does
well after many months on estrogen
my penis is pretty darn small
but she has supernatural powers
she’s like some pissed off ancient greek goddess
my penis changes the meanings of everything
and because of her
every single one of my heterosexual ex-girlfriends
has slept with a lesbian
and every guy who hits on me these days
could be accused of being gay
because my penis bends everyone who's straight
and she can make the most entitled cat callers and womanizers
scurry away with their tails between their legs
all because of six small words
“i use to be a man”
and being a transsexual
i realize that most people see my femaleness
as a facade
an elaborate hoax
but i am more real
than any of them could ever hope to be
i am real because unlike them
my gender is not based upon what other people think of me
and that may make me an object of ridicule
but i am not the butt of anyone's jokes
because i know that people make fun of trannies
because we are the one thing that they fear the most
i am more bad-ass than any gangster
more dangerous than an entire marine corps
my penis is more powerful
than the cocks of a million alpha males all put together
because when a man is defined as that which is not female
and a woman is defined as that which is not male
then i am the loose thread
that unravels the gender of everyone around me
they say its not the size of the boat
but the motion of the ocean
well my penis gives most people sea sickness
she makes them dizzy
because most people are not secure enough
with their own masculinity or femininity
to survive a night in the sack with me
my penis turns simple sexual pleasures into political acts
she turns biological impossibilities into cold hard facts
my penis is the curiosity
that you’ve been told will kill your cat
see my penis can be deadly
especially to me
and i’ve heard almost every true crime story
about what frightened macho boys do to trannies
every bludgeoning and mutilation
bodies beaten beyond recognition
and i’ve imagined it all happening to me in first person
and every time i get up in front of a crowd
to perform one of my out-spoken word pieces
i can feel myself morph into a slow moving target
and at the end of the night
when i walk back to my car
i'll be holding my breath
half-expecting that inevitable blow to the back of the head
and sometimes i wonder why it hasn’t happened yet
and sometimes i wonder why they don’t just get it over with
and sometimes i just wish i was dead
see i never wanted to be dangerous
and i spent most of my life
wishing that i didn’t have a penis
and i used to hate my body
for not making any sense to me
and these days i often hate it
for being so in between
and some mornings i can barely get up out of bed
because my body is so weighed down
with ugly meanings
that my culture has dumped all over me
see i've been made to feel shame and self-loathing
so that everyone else can take comfort
in what their bodies mean
and if i seem a bit cocky
well that's because i refuse
to make apologies for my body anymore
i am through being the human sacrifice
offered up to appease other people’s gender issues
some women have a penis
some men don’t
and the rest of the world
is just going to have to get the fuck over it
and if i am destined to be the loose thread
that unravels the gender of everyone around me
then i am going to pull
and pull
and pull
until everyone is exposed
until they all finally see that all along
they were merely wearing the emperor’s new clothes
and i know that people don’t like it
when i turn the tables on them
but what the hell else am i supposed to do?
play a hand that was dealt
from a deck of cards
that's been stacked against me?
and if i seem a bit cocky
that’s because i've spent my entire life
being backed into a corner
and like a frightened animal
pumped full of adrenaline
and sick of hunger and hiding
i am finally desperate enough
to come out fighting
.
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