hey guys. thanks so much in advance for your help! i dont know if this is really the place for me but i dont know really where else to go. sorry also about the length of this post too lol.
i'm a straight girl. the person i am closest to in the world is my male best friend of about two years. i'm not really a person who talks about feelings alot, or opens up to people, but i seem to just really connect with him and we talk about a lot of stuff. he knows my deepest secrets, of which there are some doozies lol. about three months in, he told me he was bi. i'm only the second person he has told and i know it took a lot of guts. he was petrified. i told him that it didn't matter to me, i loved him for who he was. i also told him that if ever he wanted to talk about anything to do with it, that he could and i would never judge him for anything. and slowly he started talking about it, although always tentatively. he was, and still is, incredibly ashamed about it. over time, i've noticed that his sexual attraction to men seems to be much stronger than his attraction to women, where i've wondered a few times if he is actually gay and can't admit it (although i read a lot of the posts on here before and many people seem to talk about bisexuality being very fluid)
his dad, brother and most of the people in his social group are very anti-gay. they rant about it, slur it and are just generally not very nice about the topic. quite frankly, they can be disgusting about it. i think this makes it very hard for him and i know he feels a LOT of self hate about his sexuality, to the point where he has begun to try to numb it with booze/drugs. this kills me, cause to me he is the most beautiful person in the world, be it straight, bi, gay or multi-coloured and i just wish he could see this!
over the last couple of months, he has become VERY sexually attracted to one of his good male mates (which is understandable cause the guy is HOT lol). this guy is as straight as an arrow. i know this has been really hard for him to deal with. unrequieted lust is a bitch lol. no matter your sexuality.
this is the part where you'll laugh. obviously, i'm completely in love with my best friend. i pretty much have been since the day we met. i have always thought he didn't feel the same way so i have never said anything and just accepted that we are just friends. and i was okay with that. until a month ago, where out of the blue, he told me he was very sexually attracted to me. this came at the same time as his intense crushing on his male mate, and even though i knew it was a stupid idea, i agreed that we could experiment.
for me, obviously lol, it was hot. he seemed more turned on by the fact that i was so turned on, than by me myself. we never had sex (in fact we are both still virgins) but it was pretty intense the times that it happened. and then he just stopped. he said that he didn't want to complicate things. and he has seemed to completely pull away from me ever since. this is the longest time we have ever been emotionally separated and it feels weird.
i feel stuck. i'm not sure if he really does think of me sexually and is just scared. i think it was obvious how much it meant to me. or if he is so ashamed of his sexual feelings towards guys that he just needed a girl to erase it and he knew he could trust me and now feels like he has used me and feels bad. i think he just made a silly mistake, and while is hurts, people do make mistakes. hell, i make them all the time lol.
so really, after all that lol, i really just wanted to hear from people who know what he is going through. cause the thing is, REGARDLESS of how i feel about him sexually, the bottom line is i love him for who he is as a person. and he is REALLY struggling. he is confused, scared, from a world where nothing but straight is acceptable, full of self hate and turning to booze to help kill it. i want to let him know that i'm here, i'm not angry, i'll give him space if he needs it and i will support him no matter what. he is my best friend. he isn't alone, even if he feels he is.
for those of you who have struggled with your sexuality, when you were at your lowest, what did you wish you could hear from those closest to you? i know, for other reasons, what it feels to be lost. my feelings aside, the thing i want most in the world is to help him become the person he is destined to be. WHOEVER that may be.
thank you so much for this! sorry it's so long but i can't really talk to anyone i know about it without betraying his confidence.
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