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  1. #1

    Smile really need some advice!

    hey guys. thanks so much in advance for your help! i dont know if this is really the place for me but i dont know really where else to go. sorry also about the length of this post too lol.

    i'm a straight girl. the person i am closest to in the world is my male best friend of about two years. i'm not really a person who talks about feelings alot, or opens up to people, but i seem to just really connect with him and we talk about a lot of stuff. he knows my deepest secrets, of which there are some doozies lol. about three months in, he told me he was bi. i'm only the second person he has told and i know it took a lot of guts. he was petrified. i told him that it didn't matter to me, i loved him for who he was. i also told him that if ever he wanted to talk about anything to do with it, that he could and i would never judge him for anything. and slowly he started talking about it, although always tentatively. he was, and still is, incredibly ashamed about it. over time, i've noticed that his sexual attraction to men seems to be much stronger than his attraction to women, where i've wondered a few times if he is actually gay and can't admit it (although i read a lot of the posts on here before and many people seem to talk about bisexuality being very fluid)

    his dad, brother and most of the people in his social group are very anti-gay. they rant about it, slur it and are just generally not very nice about the topic. quite frankly, they can be disgusting about it. i think this makes it very hard for him and i know he feels a LOT of self hate about his sexuality, to the point where he has begun to try to numb it with booze/drugs. this kills me, cause to me he is the most beautiful person in the world, be it straight, bi, gay or multi-coloured and i just wish he could see this!

    over the last couple of months, he has become VERY sexually attracted to one of his good male mates (which is understandable cause the guy is HOT lol). this guy is as straight as an arrow. i know this has been really hard for him to deal with. unrequieted lust is a bitch lol. no matter your sexuality.

    this is the part where you'll laugh. obviously, i'm completely in love with my best friend. i pretty much have been since the day we met. i have always thought he didn't feel the same way so i have never said anything and just accepted that we are just friends. and i was okay with that. until a month ago, where out of the blue, he told me he was very sexually attracted to me. this came at the same time as his intense crushing on his male mate, and even though i knew it was a stupid idea, i agreed that we could experiment.

    for me, obviously lol, it was hot. he seemed more turned on by the fact that i was so turned on, than by me myself. we never had sex (in fact we are both still virgins) but it was pretty intense the times that it happened. and then he just stopped. he said that he didn't want to complicate things. and he has seemed to completely pull away from me ever since. this is the longest time we have ever been emotionally separated and it feels weird.

    i feel stuck. i'm not sure if he really does think of me sexually and is just scared. i think it was obvious how much it meant to me. or if he is so ashamed of his sexual feelings towards guys that he just needed a girl to erase it and he knew he could trust me and now feels like he has used me and feels bad. i think he just made a silly mistake, and while is hurts, people do make mistakes. hell, i make them all the time lol.

    so really, after all that lol, i really just wanted to hear from people who know what he is going through. cause the thing is, REGARDLESS of how i feel about him sexually, the bottom line is i love him for who he is as a person. and he is REALLY struggling. he is confused, scared, from a world where nothing but straight is acceptable, full of self hate and turning to booze to help kill it. i want to let him know that i'm here, i'm not angry, i'll give him space if he needs it and i will support him no matter what. he is my best friend. he isn't alone, even if he feels he is.

    for those of you who have struggled with your sexuality, when you were at your lowest, what did you wish you could hear from those closest to you? i know, for other reasons, what it feels to be lost. my feelings aside, the thing i want most in the world is to help him become the person he is destined to be. WHOEVER that may be.

    thank you so much for this! sorry it's so long but i can't really talk to anyone i know about it without betraying his confidence.

  2. #2

    Re: really need some advice!

    The most important part is to communicate openly and honestly. For him to trust you enough to tell you is outstanding. Plus he told you he's attracted to the other guy. That is a BIG plus in your court. This guy trusts you with his innermost self. That is gold.

    It is common for bi guys to be attracted to both sexes in varying degrees at varying times. Sometimes more attracted to females and other times more attracted to males.

    Don't be thinking that because he's attracted to the guy, that he isn't attracted to you as well. It isn't an all or nothing deal.

    The lust for the other guy will go away. If the guy he's hot after is really straight then it isn't going to happen. The intimacy with you will last if you both nurture it.

    Women are often freaked out by bisexual guys. They think that bisexual guys are really gay will leave them for a guy. Bisexuals are not gays pretending not to be gay despite what many may think. A bisexual is like someone who likes both apples and oranges and does not see why they should have to like one or the other but not both.

    Let's say you take your relationship with him forward. He will always find guys attractive. He will also always find other girls attractive.

    My suggestions:

    Ask him if he could see himself in a committed relationship with a guy. Many bisexual guys are not inclined to go that route.

    What if he wants to build a relationship with you but wants guys occasionally? Could you handle that? That's the ultimate for some bisexual males.
    Last edited by tristancir; Jul 8, 2010 at 12:18 AM.

  3. #3

    Re: really need some advice!

    Aww, you are so special. I picked it off from the start that you loved him.

    I think that he tried to test out his feelings on you, his best friend, to see where his sexuality lies. Maybe it confirmed to him that he likes guys and is embarassed and doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

    Just let him know that you care for him as a dear friend, no matter how he feels, and that you will always be there for him. Have you thought about you? Could you be in a relationship with a bi guy? Could you let him experiment with guys and be with you too? It's obvious you two share a special bond. Think about it.

    Cheers.

  4. #4

    Re: really need some advice!

    Girlfriend, if you love him then Talk To Him. Let him see how you feel about him and that you Care enough to want to help him. Drugs and booze doesnt help--it only numbs the pain and confusion for a short time, but you are still you when you sober up.
    Best of luck Sweetie
    Cat
    I'm tryin' my best to leave a loving foot print on the hearts of the folks who's lives I touch..longly, or briefly..:}
    Minx

    Women and cats will do as they please, so men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
    Robert A. Heinlein

  5. #5

    Re: really need some advice!

    You are a very special person. You really love him. I am a bi guy that wishes i had someone like you. I dont trust my best friend enough to tell her. I know how it feels having your family and friends saying that being gay or bi is wrong. I go to a very small school and have to be careful who i tell. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship and you obviously have that. I think you need to be there for him and tell him how you feel and see how that goes. Hope this helps.

    Good luck,
    Seth.

  6. #6

    Re: really need some advice!

    Thank you for sharing; it's very beautiful to witness your love and compassion for your friend.

    Adding to what has already been said here, I think you need to defuse the tension your friend is having over the romantic/sexual energy between you two. Yes, your friend might be a true bisexual who really needs to have a few men before his pendulum swings back to center, but it's just as possible that, as you suspect, he really is gay, or terminology aside, so high up the Kinsey scale he'd be better off without female partners. But whatever his sexuality is all about, he's got mega-issues, and now the thing with the attraction between you two has gotten thrown into the mix. He's probably having serious male-ego issues over whether he can be your lover, or whether he really wants to, and what that says about him.

    The thing he needs to know is how much you love and accept him whether you become lovers or remain friends, and that he can take his time making up his mind and explore his gay side in the meantime.

    He definitely, definitely needs more community of queer people. Sign him up here, we'll give him hugs a-plenty.
    Last edited by NotLostJustWandering; Jul 8, 2010 at 5:48 AM.
    Cheers
    Atiq


    .................................................. .................................................. ........
    I'll decide between men and women the day you decide between food and oxygen.

  7. #7

    Re: really need some advice!

    Quote Originally Posted by tristancir View Post
    Bisexuals are not gays pretending not to be gay despite what many may think.
    While I strongly agree with that statement, I'm not certain that it necessarily applies here. It sounds like there are two people who love each other, but without much sexual experience, in a situation where there freedom of expression is suppressed, and where substance abuse is being chosen over healthy sexual expression.

    jemscout, if you do indeed love this young man, you may be in a better position to help him sort out these issues than anyone else around him. But you may need to prepare yourself for the possibility that the "experiments" you describe came out with a result that you will not like -- a result that only your sweetheart is acknowledging, perhaps?

    If you want to be his friend, and to maybe be his lifelong friend, then you need to make a safe place for him to speak his truth. If he is getting vibes from you that he can't say, "I tried it, and I love you, but I really think that I may be gay after all," then you might have to be satisfied with never knowing what happened.

    I don't think that's who you are, and I don't think that's the way you want it to be.

    Sexuality is fluid. And orientation is not a fixed point in space (I and many others can attest to that). But this is especially true early in life, and early in one's sexual expression.

    What I can say for certain is that he really needs a friend right now. He needs somebody who he can talk to (and while it seems like he is drawing back from you now, I would say this might be the best way to express your love to him for the time being), and he needs to find a community that will accept him as he is, even as he figures out what that means.

    Good luck and keep in touch, okay?

  8. #8

    Re: really need some advice!

    Thanks for sharing this... you really are very awesome and I wish there were more people out there like you

    My concern is that YOU'RE getting enough support, because clearly you're giving a lot of yourself and taking care of him, but make sure you look after you, k? I know from experience that when people turn to drugs and alcohol to ignore their problems, they often take out their frustrations on the few good people who are there trying to help the, Don't let yourself get walked over kiddo, let him know that you're there for him and that you care, but that you won't put up with being treated like trash.

    You're too precious for that
    "Anything not related to elephants is irr-elephant" - Anon.

    http://ahistoryofsexuality.blogspot.com/

  9. #9

    Re: really need some advice!

    "...for those of you who have struggled with your sexuality, when you were at your lowest, what did you wish you could hear from those closest to you? i know, for other reasons, what it feels to be lost. my feelings aside, the thing i want most in the world is to help him become the person he is destined to be. WHOEVER that may be.

    thank you so much for this! sorry it's so long but i can't really talk to anyone i know about it without betraying his confidence..."


    you have related a sorrowful tale of two beautiful people, and all the unfortunate hands the fates deal we humans; suffice to say that you are an important, caring, and gving companion to this guy on his path of discovery.

    it will be helpful for both of you to find as many people with which to discuss these issues; i dont have any idea where you live, but am aware that small societies of people can hinder finding meanings and directions, when what is needed is helpful and insightful understanding and information.

    the best thing both of you can do, is draw on your own strengths to come to resolution, or at least a better understanding of the forces driving you to and fro; you must talk as you have done here with your friend, with the same honesty as written here, i cannot stress the importance of doing so.

    it is hard as hell to come to terms with a bisexual nature; many of those who are can offer up a cornicopia of ideas on the subject, that can sometimes only increase the confusion. what can be the most meaningful is to know that there is someone who can listen, even if the listening is horribly painful; it also important that honesty be the guiding principle, followed by supporting the person without being an enabler of incredibly stupid behavior (referencing the drinking, drugs, whatever artifical supports the friend is turning to); but most important keep communication lines open, at all times!

    this form of discussion has it drawbacks, but write often, invite him over to the site, and don't hesitate because you think you have a lot to write; some people here make it a whole new artform!

    keep in contact, whatever support you need, there is a great group of supporters here!
    Last edited by citystyleguy; Jul 9, 2010 at 1:05 AM. Reason: sentence structure
    get in! sit down! hold on! and shut up!

  10. #10

    Re: really need some advice!

    wow. firstly i just want to say, thank you so very much for your replies. the compassion in every single one of your posts made me feel not alone in this for the first time. so thank you. you are all very beautiful caring people.

    in regards to my friend, i think that you are all right in that he is not sure of anything right now, be it bi or gay. i think the only thing he is sure of, is that he is attracted to men (regardless of whether he is to women) and that goes against everything his world has told him is acceptable. once we were at dinner and his brother said 'if i had a gay brother i would kill him'. i saw my friends face and my heart actually broke into a million pieces. i could never imagine hearing from someone that i loved unconditionally, that they would rather me be dead than myself. i would have given anything to erase that moment for him.

    i think the thing that is scaring me most at the moment is just how he is dealing with it. this year has been really hard for him, for many other reasons as well as this which have caused him to turn to drugs more and more. i think a few of you are right in that the sexual stuff between us has made him think he can't talk to me anymore, incase what he needs to say will hurt me. but even if that is the case, i will still love him and never abandom him.

    i went to the university counsellor today and discussed it with him. i got pretty upset because there seems to be just so much to say and i'm not very good at expressing how i feel. he gave me a postcard and told me if could only write two sentences to him what would i say? and i wrote 'you're my family and you're safe with me. i will always love you unconditionally no matter what.' the counsellor told me that's what i need to say. everything else can come after.

    i think once we get past this distance, we will be okay. the counsellor gave me lots of information, for both the drug abuse and sexuality departments of the uni health service, so that when he is ready he can seek the help he needs. i will also let him know about this site, if that is okay. i think if he wants to talk here, it could really help him.

    i think i am just really scared for him. but thank you so much for your support! it means a lot

  11. #11

    Re: really need some advice!

    Quote Originally Posted by jemscout View Post
    he gave me a postcard and told me if could only write two sentences to him what would i say? and i wrote 'you're my family and you're safe with me. i will always love you unconditionally no matter what.' the counsellor told me that's what i need to say. everything else can come after.
    Wow! What a great counselor! Did you give your friend the postcard?

    In regard to the other parts of your story, as my name probably indicates to the US readers on this site, but maybe not to you, I live in a very conservative community -- surrounded by televangelists and gun-toting rednecks (not that there's anything wrong with that!). But this city also has a large, vibrant, and very outspoken GLBT community.

    You may not have the latter where you are, but I am guessing from your descriptions, you have lots of the former conservative, anti-gay context. And also very vociferously within your friend's family.

    I have some good news.

    Those contexts can be transcended. More importantly, those relationships can be healed.

    A lot of my gay friends came from strict christian-conservative backgrounds. Some have lost contact with their families of origin. But many have not -- quite a few have healed those familial relationships, and helped their parents, siblings and others understand that people are people, and it's important to accept them for who they are.

    It takes time, and honesty, and strength. The common path seems to be:

    1) Recognize what is true about yourself
    2) Find one or two friends, or just a few, that you can talk to
    3) Find a supportive community where you are safe to be who you are
    4) Decide which people are important enough to you to tell, and which you can let go
    5) Tell them
    6) Repeat steps 1-5 for the rest of your life. Coming out is not an event, but a process.

    You are helping him the most important step, right now. Step 3 can begin here.

    (I am looking forward to meeting him!)

    TT1

  12. #12

    Re: really need some advice!

    no, i haven't given it to him yet. its university holidays in australia right now, so he has gone interstate to visit some mates. he'll be back in about a week.

    it's a lot harder without him here than i thought it would be

  13. #13

    Re: really need some advice!

    Quote Originally Posted by jemscout View Post
    it's a lot harder without him here than i thought it would be
    Time apart can be hard, but it can give pause to reflect, too. In my experience, those intermissions tended to turn out one of two ways, depending on my perspective. Either I built up all sorts of expectations and then dumped them out on the other person when they returned -- and that often did not turn out well; or I spent the time working on my own stuff, and then on what the other person might be going through at the same time.

    The second approach generally worked out better.

    I still haven't mastered the technique -- I regularly spend time away from my sweeties, and sometimes our reunions turn into melt-downs.

    Not so much, but still.

    Your sweetheart (forgive me for using that word, but I find it most accurate in my own life when describing people who are most dear to me, whether or not there is any promise of physicality) might be going through some stuff of his own. What do you think you might do to prepare -- to be "centered" for his return?

 

 

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