Telling Family or being discovered

[JP1986UM]

I talked with my wife a few hours ago, and in looking for a disc of some MRI scans I need, she found a book I had read a couple years back called Coming Out Every Day on my desk. My mother had been staying with my family while I have been away and she's a clean freak. So due to sleeping arrangements and stuff like that, my wife took up with two kids in a room during that time.

My mother decided clean the room, and found the book, which I might add was well hidden under papers behind my desk.

So upon discussing it, it was apparent to my wife that some of the stresses and strife which occurred during her visit were likely due to her finding it out and freaking.

It's a dilemma only in that I wonder if I should broach the topic to get this 800lb gorilla out in the open or just leave it and wait until she broaches it.

[TwylaTwobits]

Hugs, JP, personally I wouldn't tell her anything. She found a book, I have had in my possession books of ummm not so good materials. But it didn't make me anything in the books, it just made me knowledgable and well read. Chances are she may never say a word, but if she does it is totally up to you what you tell her. You know her better than anyone on this board.

[Canticle]

Hugs, JP, personally I wouldn't tell her anything. She found a book, I have had in my possession books of ummm not so good materials. But it didn't make me anything in the books, it just made me knowledgable and well read. Chances are she may never say a word, but if she does it is totally up to you what you tell her. You know her better than anyone on this board.

I wholeheartedly agree with you, Twyla.

[MarieDelta]

Leave it alone.

1. The snooper pays the price, the burden is upon them, not you to admit what they were doing.

2. Any assumptions she is making are her problem, not yours. Adults do not make assumptions about oher people's sex lives. Or if they do - they keep them to themselves. I can think of at least 3 different reasons that you would have that book on your desk that have nothing to do with you being bisexual.

[slipnslide]

I have to agree with everyone else. I've never understood the idea that you have to confess your sexuality identity to your family anymore than you gather them together to confess what foods like you, or your favourite colours.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Sweet Baby, if it aint broke, dont fix it. What you have on or In your desk in your own home is Your business. Like Marie said "The snooper pays the price"
I personally wouldnt even mention it at all, unless she brings the subject up herself. You and your lady's sex lifes are none of Mom's business (no disrespect meant) and what you do is up to you. Dont sweat the small stuff until its time to, Hon. :}
Good luck
Cat

[mikey3000]

Last wednesday I took my mom out shopping with my wife and children. We were sitting in McDonald's when an Adam Lambert song came on and my mom made a rather crude comment about fags. Hmm, I thought to my self, what do I do?

I tackled it right there and then, on the spot. I cannot have her making comments like that in front of my children, so I called her on it. I told that that was totally uncalled for and proceeded to discuss homosexuality right there. In a very calm manner, my wife and I told her our views on the subject, discussed some possible causes, and let her know that it is a totally acceptable way of life. We ended up having a very good conversation about different kinds of sexual orientation (emphasizing bisexuality ), with my mom asking questions all through. And I did this right in front of my children.

At the end, all was well. She looked at me and said, "Gee, you know an awful lot on the topic." I told her that I read extensively on the subject. Then she looked at me again, started to ask me something else, but decided to stop. If she continued, I would have said yes. So I now think she knows.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Good for you Mikey! Glad it went well for all of you.:} And yes, there are certyain things that shouldnt be said in front of young children, and derogitive slangs are one of those topics. My Ex was a bigot in his own way and I Hated when he made comments of people, til I jumped his ass when he told me a Hispanic man helped save his life in Viet Nam. He stopped doing that shit from that day on. But he still called Gay men faggots....sigh.
Cat

[bisexualman]

My philosophy is only say what is necessary when it is necessary. My children and family had no idea I was bisexual until my wife and I announced our separation and divorce.

Part of the reason we decided to divorce was because my need for men was becoming too overwhelming and the stress it was putting on us was too great; it was unfair to her and it was unfair to me. It is an amicable break up. Since I will be dating men openly, we decided it was time to broach the subject and let it be known that I was bisexual.

The kids, 16 and 19, took it as well as can be expected. They didn't even flinch when they found out. All along, they knew my views on sexual orientation and people who are different than the main stream. They accepted me as I am. We have talked a little and the 16 year old wants to go to pride in SF.

My family was as expected:
oldest sister, born again, evangelical, bible thumping- was concerned for my soul but agreed to leave the conversation open.
The next two sisters had suspected I was different; one has an openly gay son and the other sister was just glad I didn't have to hide anymore.
My oldest brother accepted it . . . the whole divorce thing made sense now . . . that was all he wanted to know was why, with a good reason.
And my somewhat, stereotypical, red neck brother- well he doesn't talk to me anyway and I think this gives him a reason not to- I told his wife who gave me kudos and thanked me for letting her know. She would pass it on and we both expect the same response from him.

I don't know if that helps, but I would not have shared my orientation unless it impacted my family directly. Sounds like it isn't a problem for you, and I see no reason to tell anybody.

I have always been direct like Mickey. Nobody has ever had the guts to ask. If they did I would tell them. But that's just me.

[Pasadenacpl2]

Marie said it best. The snooper pays the price. Whether that price is insane curiosity that they are too afraid to approach you about, or that they come to you and admit that they were snooping. Either way, the burden is on them.

[elian]

It bothers me to have to hide it - sometimes I feel like it's the last real lie I'm protecting. However, there are good reasons to do so. IF my parents directly asked me the question I would answer honesty, but they don't ask, and I don't tell. They might be perfectly fine with it, and probably already suspect SOMETHING but my relationship with them means too much to me to just voluntarily start a potential argument.

At least half the people where I work list "Parochial School" on their resume so I often don't say much around the lunch table.

Personally if your "snooper" hasn't made an issue out of it I wouldn't either - maybe with time she'll work it out for herself and come to terms with it..and that's assuming a lot - like the other folks said - perfectly legit reasons to have those books in your library.

[JP1986UM]

Thanks everyone for your kindness and advice.

I think you all are right, I'll just let it lie. It's not really that important.

I have no great need to tell her, but if she asks I'll answer it honestly.

I just wasn't ready to address it with her. My mother is such a clean freak though. the book was BEHIND the desk on a shelf you had to actually get on your hands and knees to get to. Maybe she hates dust that much, I dunno....

Oh well, nothing much I can do about it now is there....

[onewhocares]

I tend to agree with the comments above. I do not feel that there is a need to share your sexuality with family unless asked directly by them. Snoopers who look too hard and find evidence are the ones who must now carry the burden in my eyes.

Belle

PS...if your mom is such a clean freak...can you send her to my house for a week or so....I have lots of dust in places I can not reach. She could help.

[RobUK]

This is a rather sensitive issue...

I'm not actually 'out', but nor am I going to lie if asked directly "are you bi?"...
The only place I have openly lied is on my Facebook page (where I'm listed as 'interested in women', which is actually true, so, a lie of omission.).

The only reason I didn't say I was interested in both sexes there is because I live in a very close-knit, quite Christian, village. If word were to get around, a lot of people would react badly, and it may make life difficult for my other family members who live here.

If my parents, my sister, friends, found out, I doubt they'd care. My family, and circle of friends, are quite liberal, really. My mother, particularly, wouldn't WANT to know - she'd just consider it something private that she had no need to know... Even as a teenager, I would always be very sure that my family life and my romantic life were completely separate. My parents never met any of my girlfriends - I don't even know if they know I ever had any.

I tell friends if sex and relationships come up in as topics of conversation, otherwise, I don't feel any need to go around shouting about my sexuality.

Rob