HELP - I'm scared!

**kinley** · Jan 19, 2010, 10:24 PM

In my heart of hearts, I want to be married to a man, but I can't deny the attraction I have had to a few women over the years. Lately, I have been thinking more and more about this because I have never tried anything, and am curious too. But, I am scared that it will get me off track from my goal of finding a man.

Also, the feedback from my friends has not been good. They have told me that you are either gay or straight, nothing in between. And that bisexuality is a sham, which I disagree with, so I am just really confused now.

**_Joe_** · Jan 19, 2010, 10:47 PM

Your friends can NOT tell you what you are, only you can. Start there, and don't forget that. That's my first tip.

**zariazinza** · Jan 19, 2010, 10:52 PM

When I first realized I was bisexual, I was scared too. I had always felt that sexuality either swung one way or the other, and that bisexuals were just confused.

When I realized my feelings for women, I started to swing entirely that way, thinking that I had to make a decision... but you know what I realized? It's just a label, and labels are just that, labels.

I started to do a lot of research on bisexuality... and composed a list of non-judgmental statements on bisexuality. I learned a lot. Did you know that animals can be bisexual? And we are, animals, after all.

I've also realized that sexuality is a continuum -- meaning that some of us may fall 80/20 on that continuum, and others may be straight 50/50.

I made the choice when I realized my feelings to start dating women also. It was amazing! ... not to mention liberating. Your views may change as you really throw yourself into your true search for a partner.

I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to send me a message

- Trista

**kinley** · Jan 19, 2010, 11:15 PM

Thank you very much! I appreciate your support and welcome more insight too.

**Scorpion_4343** · Jan 20, 2010, 12:10 AM

Dear Kinley,

Not only do I know the path upon which you walk, I have been walking it long enough to know that you should listen to only that of your heart and not that of your close minded friends. Although some may be quick to cite the misguided belief of "your either straight or your gay", they will never experience the trials and tribulations that comes with walking our path, or know how wrong they are.

I am currently going through my third divorce and while I am not proud of this record, I can take solice in the fact that none have been a result of my sexuality. The interesting and ironic fact of all this is that all three of my wives cheated, while I remained loyal and committed. However, my being in the military and deployed numerous times certainly didn't help keep those home fires burning either I suppose. My point is Kinley, it is possible to be who you are, without sacrificiing who you are. Unfortuately, it took me alot of time and heartache to realize this.

I knew from a very young age that I too wanted to get married and raise a family. I also knew from a young age that I was attracted to both men and women and what each gender brings to the table. I can look at men and see their strength, their masculinity, their raw power and want to share in that. However, I can also look at women and see their beauty, their grace, their nuturing nature and surrender to their seductive ability to take my breath away.

To be honest Kinley, I think that being bisexual actually gives us an advantage, because women know what women like and men know what men like. Being bisexual, we are able to better understand and relate to people in and out of the bedroom.

I know the path we walk is hard and few will ever understand the price we pay to walk it. However, if there wasn't anything between being gay and straight, then I wouldn't have the truly amazing relationship with my daughter that I have. In short Kinley, there is nothing wrong with you being bisexual and desiring a fulfilling and rewarding marriage. Be true and honest with yourself, be true and honest to others and all will come together in the right time and place.

-Scorpion

**rissababynta** · Jan 20, 2010, 10:35 AM

Well, sounds like you're friends aren't taking you very seriously at all right now. Obviously, bisexuality is real. No brainer there. If they insist on being that way once you have discovered what you truly are, then sadly, perhaps they are not the type of people you should spend much time with.

I'm not a lot of other people here. I was very young when I realized what I was and as far as I can remember, there was slight confusion, but no fear. After thinking about it for about a week, I knew that I was bi and since then I've never looked back. It's not so easy for some people though, as you will see from many of the posters who speak about their stories.

In the end though, I have imagined what it would be like if I just labeled myself straight or gay, and dear GOD I JUST CAN'T DO IT! I love women and I love men and there is nothing I could ever do to make me not want either! How is THAT for not being in between haha.

**rissababynta** · Jan 20, 2010, 10:36 AM

Originally Posted by Scorpion_4343

To be honest Kinley, I think that being bisexual actually gives us an advantage, because women know what women like and men know what men like. Being bisexual, we are able to better understand and relate to people in and out of the bedroom.

Don't forget that it also increases our chances of finding our soulmate since we are not cutting our chances by fifty percent :-)

**Peg** · Jan 20, 2010, 11:15 AM

Originally Posted by rissababynta

Don't forget that it also increases our chances of finding our soulmate since we are not cutting our chances by fifty percent :-)

excellent point rissa!

kinley, march to YOUR drummer, nobody elses....be true to yourself. As others have said: don't let anyone else define who you are.

Being bi and married are not mutually exclusive. This forum is full of excellent advice for people with conflicts such as yours.

best of luck in the future.

**kinley** · Jan 20, 2010, 10:27 PM

Thank you to all of you caring people other there. I am truly amazed at how much support is out there.

Here is my next question...let's supposing that I do meet the woman of my dreams and fall madly in love, how would I get over the social stigma of holding hands and having people stare. I have stared myself when I see two gay people, not for long, but enough to be rude, by accident.

**Cherokee_Mountaincat** · Jan 20, 2010, 10:51 PM

Girlfriend, we girls hold hands all of the time and only the most narrow-minded pays any real attention. Its just something we do. Now kissing of cuddling in public might raise some eyebrows, but BFD if they dont like it. Its Your life, you proceed as you see fit, not society..:}
Hard nosed old Cat

**piercedcurious** · Jan 21, 2010, 4:09 AM

And remember, someday hopefully in the not too distant future gays won't be stared at because enough of us will be open that holding hands or kissing in public will be common-place. We don't have to be afraid. This coming from a military member who has to keep quiet to keep my job.

**wikskul** · Jan 21, 2010, 3:11 PM

Originally Posted by kinley

In my heart of hearts, I want to be married to a man, but I can't deny the attraction I have had to a few women over the years. Lately, I have been thinking more and more about this because I have never tried anything, and am curious too. But, I am scared that it will get me off track from my goal of finding a man.

Also, the feedback from my friends has not been good. They have told me that you are either gay or straight, nothing in between. And that bisexuality is a sham, which I disagree with, so I am just really confused now.

I understand wanting to be married to a men, i am engaged to one, but i am also bi. yes it can be difficult in the stage you are in. It is scarey and to have friends yes is important BUT as you can see, they are wrong. people are subject to be wrong, due to their opinion and perception. so coming here to like minded people was a good step to come to terms with who YOU are and the feelings you have. and we will do our best to help you in what YOU would like help with. No one can tell you who you are and what is right and wrong, true or false, that is for you to decide.
For me, i told my fiance in the beginning, i was bi. we discussed this in length, and many things were discussed at that time, and are still discussed to this day, and it has been 5 yrs we have been together. He knows i long for women, and about 2 yrs ago, we actually started looking for a women to not only be with me, BUT to be apart of our relationship, a polyamorous relationship. we had not discussed this potion in the beginning but it came about in time. There are options for things of this nature, some men are all for this, especially when it is the woman who is bi, it is harder for men. But make sure what YOU want and need is what drives you right now, things work out in time, maybe not what we expect but they work out one way or another, dont limit yourself to just what others say, research and look and talk to others who are open minded and like minded for yourself and figure out the answers to your questions for yourself. it is YOU opinion and feelings and perception that matters.. not theirs, they dont have to live in your skin, mind, heart, you do. feel free to ask any of us anything you want to know... but remember that every bunch has its bad apples hun, so use your common sense and what you feel is right, on anything that is said and any advise given.

**wikskul** · Jan 21, 2010, 3:18 PM

Originally Posted by kinley

Thank you to all of you caring people other there. I am truly amazed at how much support is out there.

Here is my next question...let's supposing that I do meet the woman of my dreams and fall madly in love, how would I get over the social stigma of holding hands and having people stare. I have stared myself when I see two gay people, not for long, but enough to be rude, by accident.

Every area of life has its close minded people, if you are in love, YOU must learn to ignore those types of people, be happy in the moment, yes it is a hard stigma, but luckly you are in a city where it isnt uncommon. so when u look at the broader outlook, it will be the minority who will be staring at u if u walked down the street with ur "gf" not the majority. When you learn to turn away from the close minded and learn to look at the good in life and the life YOU ae happy with is when things fall into place. People are people and they choose how they would like to think, fear, how they were raised, a bad experiance, and many other things are the what causes them to think how they do, but that actually doesnt matter, what people think DOES NOT MATTER in any way, it is what u think and what makes YOU happy that does. people are people and are allowed to think, feel, see, and live how they choose, the close minded people choose to live they way they do with out problems, and so should you