Register
Results 1 to 9 of 9
  1. #1

    Question Married bi female - advise on how to manage this?

    Hi,

    I'm a 33 year old woman who has been attracted to women since high school. I've had a few chance to act on this desire, but only a few fling type situations and one 3-some in my early 20's. So, not much experience and never any ongoing relationships with women. I am married and have two young children. I'm only out to my closest friends and husband. My husband (of 7 years) has known about my bisexuality from the start and was attracted to that part of me from the getgo. The real problem is that he would like to invite a woman into our sex life as a way to address my bisexuality and I would rather experience women on my own - more intimate than a one night fling. He feels like that is more like cheating. My bisexuality has always been looming in the background but I feel like it's been hovering overhead more lately. I feel like I jumped into marriage without getting to know my bisexual side, but on the otherhand I don't want to jeopordize what I have just to fulfill a side of me that feels a void. Also, with two young children I'm not sure that rocking our already stressed lives/marriage is a good idea - but it's so hard to wait this out! Any advise here or stories of similar with good or bad outcomes?

  2. #2

    Re: Married bi female - advise on how to manage this?

    Hi alleycat,

    Well, this is such a pretty situation to be in, isn't it? I'm married, 45 with two kids in gradeschool, also out to my Husband (though only for the last couple years and we've been married 22!). Also only out to my closest friends. I sat on this way too long and have never had a relationship with another woman. In the last couple years that I have been sort of boiling over about it and exploring on the internet, I haven't found anyone with any universal answers to this. In the last couple months I have been in a very intense cyber relationship with a wonderful lady in the same situation, but, sadly, on the other side of the world from me. Why get intense with someone I will likely never meet, you ask? Well, for now it's the only way I can safely deal with this conundrum. My H knows about her and tolerates it, but has threatened to kick me out if I actually cheat "in the flesh". My lady friend and I have discussed the daylights out of this, and have seen that others seem to be able to talk their husbands into allowing some freedom. Right now, our marriage is stressed for other reasons--I've been laid off and my husband is obsessed about our finances, so I'm already stretching his patience by being out of work. And I do worry that indiscretions on my part will really cause problems for my kids--it's already hard being among the other soccer moms and knowing what they would think of me if they knew. I am dying to be intimate with a nice lady in my situation, but there seem to be none nearby that are willing to show themselves. My friend and I are hitting it off so well, and I am getting so much from her emotionally right now that it is filling some of that part of me that has been empty for so long, but I know the distance thing won't work forever. I'm not sure what my next move will be, short of swimming the Pacific. I guess my dream situation would be to find someone near me that is also a married bi-mom and negotiate with my H. It really seems like a lot to ask, when all he would get out of it is a happier wife. Sorry I don't have an answer. I hope someone else will reply who has done some successful negotiating.

  3. #3

    Re: Married bi female - advise on how to manage this?

    Quote Originally Posted by alleycat
    Hi,

    I'm a 33 year old woman who has been attracted to women since high school. I've had a few chance to act on this desire, but only a few fling type situations and one 3-some in my early 20's. So, not much experience and never any ongoing relationships with women. I am married and have two young children. I'm only out to my closest friends and husband. My husband (of 7 years) has known about my bisexuality from the start and was attracted to that part of me from the getgo. The real problem is that he would like to invite a woman into our sex life as a way to address my bisexuality and I would rather experience women on my own - more intimate than a one night fling. He feels like that is more like cheating. My bisexuality has always been looming in the background but I feel like it's been hovering overhead more lately. I feel like I jumped into marriage without getting to know my bisexual side, but on the otherhand I don't want to jeopordize what I have just to fulfill a side of me that feels a void. Also, with two young children I'm not sure that rocking our already stressed lives/marriage is a good idea - but it's so hard to wait this out! Any advise here or stories of similar with good or bad outcomes?
    Hi Alleycat!

    First I want to congratulate you on some of the blessings in your life. You knew you were bisexual before marriage and have disclosed this to your husband...this is a great gift, trust me. Your husband (I hope) seems somewhat supportive of your desires, again its all good!

    Now some cautions from a guy who did things backwards and is paying dearly for his mistakes.

    1. You have a great marriage and wonderful kids...you are right to be careful to preserve this.
    2. I worry about your use of the word 'intimacy'. Sex with another woman is one thing, but it is very difficult for a human being to be truely intimate with more than one person. I know it is possible, but it is very difficult. My point here is that your husband will most likely feel very threatened if you begin seeing someone else regularly...he is only human.
    3. With intimacy there sometimes comes love Are you ready for the real possibility that you could fall in love with your girlfriend...if so, what will you do?
    4. It is possible that like many men, your husband believes valhalla is to fall asleep tangled up with two hot women !Your husband may have been attracted to the possiblity of a threesome the first time he heard you were bi-sexual. So now, you need to know if you are willing to indulge this penthouse style fantasy. Interestingly enough, I believe there is a great danger of you feeling threatened in this situation, especially when he shows undue enthusiasm for this new partner...so now the shoe is on the other foot.

    So you see, there are many complicating factors to consider, and feelings can be very fragile. The only answer for you is to talk,compromise, and keep the love inside your marriage if possible. Can you have some casual woman love, and save your heart for him? Can you indulge his fantasy by letting him into your threesome with conditions, or letting him watch?

    This is just my opinion, I wish you all the best.

    Hugs
    'The mind is open, the body is willing, and the heart is free to love all beings equally.'
    Bi-ten

  4. #4

    Married bi female - advise on how to manage this?

    Bi-Ten is very wise in this area. My husband is very much like BiBiologist and alleycat. He would not accept my being with anyone else and their would be no compromise. Since I love him and am not ready to destroy a 20 year relationship, I don't let my desires go any further than cyber. Thanks to this site I have met some very wonderful people and it has helped a great deal. I have someone now that I can talk to, understands me better than anyone and completes me. Like BiBiologist said, I don't know how long that will sustain me, naturally feelings grown, but for now it's working. You really have to think about what will be affected by your decision as no matter what you ultimately decide, you are going to have to sacrafice something. I wish you the best in whatever you choose.

    Hugs,
    Arana
    http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/i...7a7ac275b3.gif
    Hugs,
    Arana


    Life is a strange thing...
    Just when you think you've learned how to use it, it's gone.....

  5. #5

    Re: Married bi female - advise on how to manage this?

    As a woman who has been married to a bisexual man for 25 years, perhaps I can give you some input as to how your husband may view things.

    My husband also told me about his bisexuality before we married (the night he proposed as a matter of fact...will make a great story to tell the kids one day when they ask how Dad proposed to Mom! LOL!). Anyway, he was quick to assure me that although he found both men and women sexually appealing, that did not mean that he would act on it and said he was committed to a monogamous relationship. For myself, that was the one condition that would make our marriage work and lucky for me, he has kept that promise. That doesn't mean that it has been easy. It took years for me to understand that in order to satisfy certain urges, it was necessary for him to find an alternative outlet via the web, and after a while, I began to understand. Believe me, I didn't at first...I found it threatening and often feared that it would lead to him finding that these alternate methods no longer filled the void. (bad use of words there and not intentional LOL) I have now become comfortable with that, mostly because I came here and learned more about it and started to understand it.

    You see, the issue for me and whether or not my husbands acts on his bisexuality isn't so much a bisexual issue, it is a monogamy issue. I would no more tolerate him having sex with another woman than I would with a man. He made the decision to be faithful to me as I have to him and I am just old fashioned enough to believe that if you are going to be married, then there are certain things you just don't do. But that is just my situation and my humble opinion and I know that there are others who do otherwise. That doesn't mean that I judge them or look down on them...it just wouldn't work for me and perhaps it just wouldn't work for your husband.

    Before you act rashly and make any changes in your situation, try talking to your husband in a truly open and honest way. Express your feelings to him and be sure to listen to his. Don't forget, there are others involved, like your children, that will be affected by whatever you decide to do and you owe it to them to give this a lot of thought before you act.

    Good luck to you and I wish only the best for you and your family.

    Kate
    Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

    C. S. Lewis

  6. #6

    Re: Married bi female - advise on how to manage this?

    Dear Alleycat and BiBiologist,

    I have the utmost respect for Bi-ten, Arana, and Crsakate. I have read many of their writings and find them to consistently express compassion. Their sincerity and their shared personal background provide solid ground for guidance.

    As I read each of your postings, I am struck by two concepts: “compromise” and “connecting”. One of the concepts that I struggle with most is compromise. As we live our lives, of course, we must adjust our vision of all we want with what is possible. Most often I want more than is realistic or fair to others. Within relationships, we compromise all the time, darn it. I think this may be more often true in our society for those of us living within bisexuality. Do we live openly or closeted? Do we have monogamous or polygamous relationships? And so, the questions and compromises march on.

    So as you consider the unfulfilled bi-side of your being, you have to address (at least on some level) what compromises you are willing to make. A question I ask myself frequently (all too frequently) when approaching a pathway is “at what cost?” There is always a cost of time, commitment, energy expended, money, health risk, or whatever. In relationships (such as marriage) the query is: “Does this add or take away from the strength of this bond and the intimacy offered?”

    The second concept is “connecting”. As much as I would like to think of myself as an independent, self absorbed person, I am unquestionably bound to others. Repeatedly, we hear of seemly unrelated events causing unintended consequences. Intended consequences seem to carry more whams. In relationships, connections carry many unexpected consequences. We rarely fully understand a situation until we are in it. For me this has been true of every job I have taken and every relationship that I have entered. These circumstances are also always changing, which requires continual adjustment. My needs change and my environments change, constantly. Actions that I take do have a direct or indirect impact on others.

    When intentionally connecting with others, we are forced to explore what we want and whether the need is being met. Arana says that she has found someone that understands her. For all of us and, perhaps, especially as a bisexual, this is a precious gift. So the question for all of us is what are we seeking? Am I looking for the once in awhile touch of a same gendered body…an ongoing lover…a spiritual encounter with someone that understands and accepts the all of me? Must I seek these gifts outside existing relationships or could they be developed within my current circle? And at what cost am I willing to purchase these gifts?

    For me, these are the questions that help guide my course of action. I wish you the best in your journey.

    Warm, gentle hugs,
    Red

  7. #7

    Re: Married bi female - advise on how to manage this?

    I , like Kate have been married to a bisexual for 23 1/2 years. The difference is I didn't know until a couple of months ago. He has had these feelings for years and actually had a full blown affair with another man that started in 2003 and ended last December. It destroyed me! I don't feel that it is right, just because one is attracted to both sexes that they feel justified in having a sexual relationship with both sexes at the same time. We have worked through the issues and take each day at a time. I love him, he loves me and hopefully that will be enough to get us through this. I am not the type of women who is willing to let him go off and do the guy thing. While I might invite the idea of a threesome, I can't let him be involved with another man without me there. I think this is how your husband feels. It is not an easy thing for any of us.

  8. #8

    Re: Married bi female - advise on how to manage this?

    Thank you to all of you who replied to my posting. I was really nervous about posting this message. I did some searching about bisexual chat sites and found this one to be so caring and helpful. I'm really glad I posted here and you all brought up such important points - some that I had considered myself (like Bi-Ten's #3 point) and others that I had not thought deeply enough about (wellred's points). BiBiologist - you are so sweet - I'm glad you're finding an outlet that works. I was so blown away by the responses and the care that all of you took in writing them - thank you. They have helped me put things in perspective currently and to work on some issues with my husband to strengthen our relationship. Sometimes when my relationship is rocky my bi urges tend to stir, you know? I will share these thoughts and ideas with him and hopefully it will help us in our journey. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  9. #9

    Re: Married bi female - advise on how to manage this?

    Yes, thank you all. Those are mostly all points I have considered, which is why I have never done anything outside my marriage. I understand how those of you in relationships with someone who has or is considering cheating feel--I was cheated on by a boyfriend once and it hurt like hell. I can understand my husband's feeling on this. That is why this is so hard and we are all here trying to find answers. I didn't even know what bisexual was when I was 23 and getting married. I grew up in the hinterlands (essentially, Lake Wobegon) where no one talked about these things, and you didn't walk into the library and ask for books on the subject. Of course, there was no internet. Imagine my confusion at being attracted to both sexes without a clue! So I tried to bury my feelings for women. I didn't want to be like this! I have yo-yo'd in the past few years between rationalizing that being with a woman would be OK because it's not really cheating, and then thinking yes, it is. Right now, trying NOT to find a woman to be with feels to me like trying to hold back Katrina. I feel like I'm being blown away. It's not, for me, a matter of curiosity or wanting sex. It is a pounding, driving, unrelenting longing, a feeling of intense loneliness, like a deep wound that won't heal. This probably needs another thread, like "Can bisexuals legitimately ask to be held to another standard of behavior?" I am wondering if we truly, biologically, have two sides and that leaving one celebate is like a straight or gay person trying to remain celebate from cradle to grave. There is a drop in the bucket when it comes to research on bisexuality. More data are needed.

 

 

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Back to Top