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  1. #1

    For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    By Anonymous

    In a perfect world, the “closet” wouldn't even exist because everyone's sexual orientation would be casually out in the open, upfront and universally accepted. The reality, of course, is still miles away from this ideal.

    Although media visibility has introduced us to the concept of “gaydar” and a collective idea of what traits trigger it, you really CAN’T tell if someone is straight, gay, or bi just by looking at them, (rainbow badges and “I’m Here, I’m Queer” t-shirts aside). This has made it easy for people to lie outright about their sexuality, or just quietly pass as the default “straight” — as long as nobody suggests otherwise.

    The advantage seems obvious— invisibility provides a comfort zone within which one can hide from prejudice in ways visible minorities cannot. Invisibility, however, is also paradoxically to blame for the continued existence of unchallenged homophobia. The thousands of non-straight people who live their lives under the radar add to the impression that alternative sexual orientations belong to a minority small enough to be easily dismissed as deviant.

    Because, unlike skin colour or gender, sexual orientation is neither physically apparent nor present immediately at birth, even people who will look upon racists with disgust can still justify other forms of bigotry by convincing themselves that sexuality is a choice, or that it was an acquired perversion due to something that happened to the person.

    Throughout history and even today, those who fear persecution or are subject to persistent questioning of their sexual orientation, have resorted to more elaborate charades in the attempt to prove to others that they are straight. Sham relationships and marriages and having children with a person they aren’t really attracted to, these actions help build the elaborate façade they feel is needed to mask their same-sex attraction.
    For gay people who would choose a real relationship rather than live a charade, disclosure is then required—at the very least, they’ve got to be “out” to each other. Whichever way they go, a relationship means a forced decision — pretend or disclose?

    For a bisexual person to enter a relationship with a straight person, however, neither pretending nor disclosure is necessary, leaving the question unasked and therefore unanswered. Whether or not you choose to disclose your bisexuality openly is a very personal matter, and cannot fairly be subject to the judgment of those who aren’t aware of your specific circumstances. However, when it comes to the subject of disclosure to someone with whom you’ve entered (or hope to build) a serious relationship, being upfront about your bisexuality is crucial, for the short- and long-term benefit of both of you.

    (Hear that? That’s the sound of all those alarm bells going off, joyfully ringing out “THREESOMES!” in the minds of many readers out there Keep those pants on (for just a sec longer, though—sex should be about fun and fantasies) —here’s how to walk so you can run to your heart’s content later on…you’ll trip if you start with your pants down to your ankles)

    It can be a difficult and confusing road for both partners in a relationship where one has taken the big step and revealed their bisexual inclinations to the other. Working together and communicating openly is crucial at every stage of this process, and don’t rush ahead until both sides know they’ve been heard. If one of you is struggling or reluctant, this will hopefully provide a framework for navigating the subject in the most helpful way.

    Step 1: Congratulations, You’re Out!

    Yes, feel free to celebrate even at this early moment of overwhelming and conflicting emotions. Regardless of whether you proudly came clean to a new partner as you began to get serious, or if you were disastrously yanked out of the closet when your spouse of 20 years caught you masturbating to gay porn, you’ve taken a big step out in the open, and can breathe a little more easily now that the hiding is over.

    Whether you’ve just come out to your lover, or your lover’s just come out to you, there are going to be a lot of questions and a need for discussion. When you make the time to sit down and make this happen—which is essential—these are crucial issues to discuss.

    While there has likely been a long process of soul-searching and self-examination to get to the place of understanding you’re at, self-deception can be a powerful thing, and there are many out there whose internalized homophobia is so strong (or even those who just haven’t felt any interest stirring within them whatsovever) that they live in complete denial and obliviousness to their own same-sex attractions.

    You owe it to your partner and to yourself to be 100% sure that you are attracted to their gender as well, before going any further. If you do come to the realization that you’re completely gay, it won’t do you or your partner any good to prolong the relationship any further.

    One of your partner’s biggest concerns is going to be the reassurance that you’re still very much attracted to them, and you need to, with great care, let them know you’re just happen to be aroused by same-sex fantasies as well.

    Another thing you will have to face, regardless of what your intentions or needs regarding acting upon your bisexual urges might be, is the fact that this may be a difficult or even impossible thing for your partner to accept. If you know they’ve had strong homo/biphobic views long before your own sexuality is divulged, it may be an impossible road. Some people are able to change their long-held prejudiced beliefs when they learn someone they know and love admits to being “one of them”, but too often the result is to spontaneously forget years of history and trust in that person

    Sharing personal and individual experiences about how you came to this realization (and acceptance of it, etc) is a really good way of helping your partner with their own acceptance. Having a sense of the emotions, fears and challenges is what will most help your partner. The human experience is something a lot easier for us to empathize and identify with, than is a broad, faceless concept like "Bisexuality" (which is already so misunderstood to begin with). Also, sharing stories that take place in a context familiar to them, is a constant reminder to your partner of the real you, not the stranger they may fear you now are.

    This can also be an opportunity to open up a dialogue where your partner can feel safe revealing any sexual fantasies they might have been too shy to discuss with you beforehand. Needless to say, you should approach this with the same open-mindedness, patience and understanding you hope they can demonstrate to you—in fact, it’s a great chance for you to set the example.

    Step 2: Now What?

    You now need to ask yourself, especially if you came out to your partner voluntarily, what your motivations were for doing so. Was it just to share something personal with them in order to build closeness? Was it to explain that you sometimes look at same-sex porn, so that you won’t have to be secretive about it around them? Or maybe you’ve realized that you haven’t done all the experimentation you’d like to do before settling down, maybe you’re not sure if settling down is your eventual plan at all.

    You need to really understand your own needs, because you then need to communicate all these things to your partner Successful relationships require an understanding of the other’s expectations, and as in all unions, they have the right to know what they’re getting into. It isn’t fair to lead them on, or to let them go on planning your future together if you have any doubts that you’ll want that same conclusion.

    Don’t approach this discussion as though you’re writing a contract—this is a process of learning and understanding, and it’s important for both of you to keep that in mind at all times. What it is, however, (or should be, at least) is an honest disclosure of the situation as far as you can know yourself, and an assessment of how likely you think things are to change, or how certain you are that they won’t. Desires and needs can develop and change over time, and so can your partner’s comfort level in accepting or accommodating them. If and when the status quo requires change, you will both need to reopen discussions.

    Step 3: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pornography

    The reality is that our recurring sexual urges are not going to just go away when they’re inconvenient, and the best way of keeping them under out control is to have an outlet for them. When acting on bisexual urges isn’t a desirable or possible option (and there are countless reasons for this—you’re in a happily committed relationship but your fantasies occasionally involve members of the same sex; the object of your desire is a celebrity you’ll never meet; your partner is fast asleep and you don’t want to wake them; you’ve concocted an elaborate scenario that takes place 500 years in the future) many people find an easy outlet in some form of erotica or pornography, and it is strongly recommended that both partners make the decision to be comfortable with the presence of porn in their own or their partner’s sex lives.

    Many people have issues with porn, and if you’re already dealing with bi disclosure, you might overload. However, porn and erotica can be a simple and private means. Jealousy can certainly happen, but many people do like porn, even when they have a wonderful sexual mate, and it isn’t something to be taken personally or to feel insecure about.

    This is an especially important area for those dating a bisexual. If you can get to the point of not being threatened at all by the fact that your partner sometimes fantasizes about random people who aren’t you, it’s a lot easier to accept that their attraction to people of the same gender can remain part of their anything-goes fantasy world, instead of needing to be played out in the more complicated reality. And besides, sometimes all the other-gender-experimentation that many bisexuals crave is to have a good free-for-all-fantasy wank, comfortably free of shame or secrecy.

    Step 4: Talk Pervy to Me: Bringing Bisexuality, Bisexuals and Beyond to your Bedroom

    Still with us? Great! Should you wish to continue to experiment and explore your bisexuality, there are a number of options. Should you find your partner eager and willing to experiment with you, inviting some gender role-play or other fantasy scenarios into your routine can be an exciting adventure for both of you. Haven’t visited a sex toy store lately? Now would be a good time to take a trip together, you’ll discover a number of toys to help bring these fantasies to life and they’re coming up with all sorts of new surprises every day.

    If your bisexual desires still urge you to experiment with another lover, threesomes (or more-somes) and polyamory are solutions that many bisexuals find work for them; there are other articles on this site about these topics should you wish to learn more.

    Learning about your needs, how to fulfill them and take care of your partner is a process that requires a lot of time, sharing and understanding. Making changes to both of your lives is going to take time and is going to be a hard road to travel. But hopefully both of you can keep in mind why you’re together in the first case, and from there understanding, acceptance and maybe a whole new dash of fun can be added to your relationship.



    (c) Copryight 2007 Anonymous

  2. #2

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    Wow that was a lot to take in thank you to whoever wrote that article! I know that I am glad that I was open about my sexuality to my husband. He is a great man and I am glad that he supports me!

  3. #3

    ty

    well;not sure what i did wrote one reply already and lost it!trying to correct some errors.anyway what i said was that i originally came to this site looking for sexual connections,and what i have found has turned out to be much more beneficial.articles such as these make you think!a lot of it points out things that relate directly to my situation,at least.looking for sex ended up thinking hmmmmmm.the other thing is that for the very first time i have been able to ask and be asked questions by people who also consider themselves bi!! it has been and is a great release.intelligent articles such as this remind me that i am not here as much for sex as i am for connections to real people who can and have helped me express that which i have forbidden. i thank you all!!

  4. #4

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    I really enjoyed the article and I agree on many if not all of the points it raised. I am currently single and it can be difficult to find acceptance with people I date. At some point during the date, the question of sex comes up and I let it be known that I am bisexual. It can be difficult but, I am more comfortable being honest from the start. (I have watched alot of fine booty walk away) At the end of the day I know it is for the best. This site has been really supportive and a great outlet for thoughts, ideas, and discussion. I am hoping to physically meet someone but I am being patient.
    Rocsteady baby....

  5. #5

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is B

    not sure how I feel about the article... its insightful and well written, a brilliant article, but like so many articles and authors.... its reducing bisexuality to multiple dual sex partners, porn and the need to have multiple sexual encounters

    bisexuality is more than that.... its about being a multi faceted individual..... as a bisexual, its important to me that people don't think that I am just a person that needs to have multiple sexual encounters and watches porn all the time......

    its important to me, that as a bisexual, I am known as a open, honest, caring, unselfish person that is not driven by my bisexual desires and attractions
    that I am known by my achievements in life, not by my sexual orientation.... and that I rise awareness of bisexuals as people with feelings, opinions and desires that stretch far beyond having sex, and the fact that we are musicians, writers, actors.... voices and faces that make a greater impact in todays society other than a cum stain on the sheets

    bisexual.com is a reflecting of many walks of life, many ages, opinions and ideals..... why are we focusing on bisexuality as a sexuality thing only.....
    is that all we are ??? sex machines...?????
    The only thing more painful than a broken heart, is catching yourself in your zip and having very cold hands

  6. #6

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is B

    Quote Originally Posted by Long Duck Dong
    not sure how I feel about the article... its insightful and well written, a brilliant article, but like so many articles and authors.... its reducing bisexuality to multiple dual sex partners, porn and the need to have multiple sexual encounters

    bisexuality is more than that.... its about being a multi faceted individual..... as a bisexual, its important to me that people don't think that I am just a person that needs to have multiple sexual encounters and watches porn all the time......

    its important to me, that as a bisexual, I am known as a open, honest, caring, unselfish person that is not driven by my bisexual desires and attractions
    that I am known by my achievements in life, not by my sexual orientation.... and that I rise awareness of bisexuals as people with feelings, opinions and desires that stretch far beyond having sex, and the fact that we are musicians, writers, actors.... voices and faces that make a greater impact in todays society other than a cum stain on the sheets

    bisexual.com is a reflecting of many walks of life, many ages, opinions and ideals..... why are we focusing on bisexuality as a sexuality thing only.....
    is that all we are ??? sex machines...?????
    I absolutely agree with you! There is so much more to me than just sex.

  7. #7

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    LDD asks: why are we focusing on bisexuality as a sexuality thing only.....
    is that all we are ??? sex machines...?????

    My answer would be, Yes. All the other aspects of our lives can be discussed with other people, in other places and other forums. But this is one of the few places we can safely discuss our sexuality.
    Why must it be "either/or", why can't it be "and"? Love needs to be inclusive, not exclusive.

  8. #8

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    And.... I suppose the article might be somewhat useful to people just getting started in life, but to one who's relationship is in it's forty-second year, it doesn't offer much.
    Why must it be "either/or", why can't it be "and"? Love needs to be inclusive, not exclusive.

  9. #9

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    Quote Originally Posted by ghytifrdnr
    LDD asks: why are we focusing on bisexuality as a sexuality thing only.....
    is that all we are ??? sex machines...?????

    My answer would be, Yes. All the other aspects of our lives can be discussed with other people, in other places and other forums. But this is one of the few places we can safely discuss our sexuality.
    I agree that this is one of the few places we can discuss our sexuality, and I also think that who I am as a person has a huge impact on who I am sexually.

    To try to somehow separate the two, in my opinion, would be invalidating and limiting. I find that learning about some of the other aspects of people, in addition to bisexuality, far more helpful and insightful.

    Just my opinion.

  10. #10

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is B

    Quote Originally Posted by ghytifrdnr
    LDD asks: why are we focusing on bisexuality as a sexuality thing only.....
    is that all we are ??? sex machines...?????

    My answer would be, Yes. All the other aspects of our lives can be discussed with other people, in other places and other forums. But this is one of the few places we can safely discuss our sexuality.
    indeed it is one of the only places that we can be openly and freely bisexual.....

    I don't do cyber, porn bores me and I am celibate.....the 3 main areas of bisexuality don't apply to me....so... I wanna know more about other areas of bisexuality

    I wanna know things like the background of the LGBT vampire groups in the usa.....

    who was the great bisexual martial artists, who were their teachers and did it affect their experiences in training and tournaments

    is there truely a connection between bisexuals and sex crimes... or is it in fact a heterosexual domain....

    is it true that shaman and the other ancient faiths, practiced bisexual acts either as natural bisexuals or as a way of choice...

    how did pederasty and the ancient samurai work in regards to being bisexual and were there bushido issues ???
    The only thing more painful than a broken heart, is catching yourself in your zip and having very cold hands

  11. #11

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    Its merely a presentation thing because I have always found the featured articles interesting and informative, but as soon as we open the whole article up I find that the screeds of rolling script on a grey background doesnt encourage me to read on. Can they not be presented in a more attractive and eye catching way to encourage us to do just that? Food for thought Drew.

  12. #12

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    This was a good article, but I did stop reading and changed to scanning about 1/3 of the way through since I have already lived this. So for me, there also was nothing new but I don't think most people are in that boat and would get something out of it.

    I don't think the articles are always about sex. Wasn't the last one about being out to your doctor? It has to be difficult to create an article with mass appeal. How many newbies would be weirded out by an article on LGBT vampires splashed on the front page of bisexual.com? Unless of course it was Halloween.

    I think the articles do a good job of finding things we have in common as a group.

  13. #13

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    Quote Originally Posted by Drew
    By Anonymous

    The advantage seems obvious— invisibility provides a comfort zone within which one can hide from prejudice in ways visible minorities cannot. Invisibility, however, is also paradoxically to blame for the continued existence of unchallenged homophobia. The thousands of non-straight people who live their lives under the radar add to the impression that alternative sexual orientations belong to a minority small enough to be easily dismissed as deviant.
    Interesting article and I enjoyed the creativity in expressing some very valid points for consideration…I guess where I’m a little confused is if you feel and state that invisibility is to “blame” for the continued existence of unchallenged homophobia, why you would choose to use the name “Anonymous” as the Featured Article’s creator? It gives the impression that somehow being closeted may be your preferred mode of expression as well…No judgment nor disrespect if that’s the case..just curious as to your intent in doing so.

    Ambi

  14. #14

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    I think the article was very well done and had some good points--many of those things mentioned are things I am working out for myself---

    As far as the articles go, each one is an individual piece trying to address some aspect of bisexuality--just like in most things--one article or even an entire book cannot effectively deal with every aspect of the subject--bisexuality is really a very broad and deep subject--to a degree far beyond what I had originally thought when I started this process of trying to figure out this part of myself.

    Thanks to the author of this piece and thanks to everyone for their responses--it is a great education and valuable tool for figuring this crazy thing out.....
    "Injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere..." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  15. #15

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is B

    Quote Originally Posted by ambi53mm
    Interesting article and I enjoyed the creativity in expressing some very valid points for consideration…I guess where I’m a little confused is if you feel and state that invisibility is to “blame” for the continued existence of unchallenged homophobia, why you would choose to use the name “Anonymous” as the Featured Article’s creator? It gives the impression that somehow being closeted may be your preferred mode of expression as well…No judgment nor disrespect if that’s the case..just curious as to your intent in doing so.

    Ambi

    Hi there- this is the "Anonymous" author of the article, and TRUST me, that was a hard thing to rationalize on my own as well- i do very much feel like a bit of a hypocrite by writing one thing and doing another.
    Trust me when i say that i debated that quite a bit- I hope it helps to understand that I am very much out in my real life, to my partner, family and friends, and do a lot of community outreach work relating to Bi issues as well.

    the main reason (really, the only reason) i chose to stay anonymous for this article is the ubiquitous Google issue...I don't lie about or try to hide my sexuality if the subject comes up, but when new people find out, i don't want it to be because they discovered it by accident through Google or some other search engine.
    That way i might never actually know that they know (which would make a lot of things awkward!) or WHAT they know, if it's right or wrong.
    Because there IS so much misinformation and stereotyping out there about bisexuals, I want to make sure I have the opportunity to set the record straight, and explain who I am on my own terms, using my own words.

    people DO like to jump to conclusions, don't they?

  16. #16

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    I think it is just fine that you chose to go unnamed-at this point I probably would do so as well--I would most likely use a pen name though.

    Elsewhere on the forum, there is a posting about people who are using their MySpace site to come out--I think that is great.

    I have a MySpace site as well and I have not identified my sexual orientation on there because I am using the site for other interests. I have not put anything in that regard and I figure I will let people wonder why.

    I am at MySpace for my interest in music and in some of the writing things I do---while if someone asked me directly about what I consider my sexual orientation to be now--I would tell them--I don't want it to be an issue that might hamper what I am trying to accomplish with that site---and God knows--with some folks--it could become and issue that doesn't have to come up since my project mentioned there has nothing to do with anything sexual at all.

    I come to this site to discuss bisexuality and related issues---I go there for other things.

    I am considering developing a pen name in order to do projects on bisexuality and related areas--and not to hide anything but because of market forces---if you allow your "real" name to be used for such work---you can get ghettoized and stereotyped as only working in that one area or any area for that matter---this is nothing new in the publishing world--many writers in history who wrote "risque" works did so using a pen name--that's just human nature and the nature of the writing business that likes to put people into boxes and once there--ya can't get out.
    "Injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere..." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  17. #17

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is B

    Quote Originally Posted by daphne_cafe
    Hi there- this is the "Anonymous" author of the article, and TRUST me, that was a hard thing to rationalize on my own as well- i do very much feel like a bit of a hypocrite by writing one thing and doing another.
    Trust me when i say that i debated that quite a bit- I hope it helps to understand that I am very much out in my real life, to my partner, family and friends, and do a lot of community outreach work relating to Bi issues as well.

    the main reason (really, the only reason) i chose to stay anonymous for this article is the ubiquitous Google issue...I don't lie about or try to hide my sexuality if the subject comes up, but when new people find out, i don't want it to be because they discovered it by accident through Google or some other search engine.
    That way i might never actually know that they know (which would make a lot of things awkward!) or WHAT they know, if it's right or wrong.
    Because there IS so much misinformation and stereotyping out there about bisexuals, I want to make sure I have the opportunity to set the record straight, and explain who I am on my own terms, using my own words.

    people DO like to jump to conclusions, don't they?
    Thanks for the response I think what drew my attention was the word "Anonymous" not so much for your reasons to remain anonymous but why you would choose that as a signature as opposed to some fictious signature to write under. ( Samuel Clemmens / Mark Twain). LOL I guess sometimes I'm looking for a hidden meaning or intent where it doesn't exist.
    I am in the closet in my day to day and so I do fit into that category whose silence in some ways contributes to the lack of recognition. No apoligies. We all pick our own battles and the "Bisexual Cause" I'll leave to those whose passion moves them to that end.I'm happy enjoying life under the gaydar. It affords me the freedom of movement and privacy which means more to me than the freedom of expression at this point in my life.
    Your article stands on it's own merrits no matter what name you pen...and in the end..that's all that matters..excellent piece!

    Ambi

  18. #18

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is B

    hugs ya daphne

    when i saw the name * anonymous * I thought that, yes, you were anonymous....if i was to walk past you in the street, I would never know that you wrote a brilliant article

    I have faced that aspect..... I used to write so much for spiritual sites, and my friends were telling me about this incredible writer with such a understanding of spirituality and how to make it so simple

    I would stand there and know that i was the writer, somebody that was not hiding behind a name, but drawing attention to my words and helping people without drawing attention to myself

    the name * anonymous * fit your article so well, as I was reading the words of a person that could have been any one of us.....posting a name with a article changes it, it becomes your experience thru your eyes, and not our experience thru our eyes

    well done on a fantastic name choice for the article, and please write more
    The only thing more painful than a broken heart, is catching yourself in your zip and having very cold hands

  19. #19
    i visited the site to get some feedback/insight. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past 2 years. His lifestyle very much differed from mine. He has been in a swingers lifestyle and has explored by being with someone from the same gender. I would label myself homophobic. We have discussed exploring new things and although i do fantasize i am hesitant that this is something i like to explore. I am very confused. Any insight, any comments would be welcomed.

  20. #20

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    Message to twelve volt.......Although Bob Marley was a liberator as far as ganja smoking goes, he was in fact a homophobe, as are most jamaican men.
    I worked for a reggae band for many years, and while I loved the music and the message of tolerance, that tolerance did NOT extend to gay and biseuxal men. Aparently bi women are "exotic", or at the worst "unclean", but two men havign sex is an "abomination" which deserves death. Which is why when I go to a reggae show, I always carry a little "suprise" on my person.
    I am married to a straight woman who has had a lot of bad sex, either to keep her place to live, job, etc. Sexually, she's not repressed...she's just burned out. I have had very little sex in my life, and as a result feel more than a little bit cheated. if you want to know what my life is like try watching "Married with Children" sometimes. Sure, its funny when it happens to Al Bundy, but when it happens to you, you either get yourself a second and guitar and get in with the right bunch of fellows, or you become a serial killer. I'll take the music thanks. Sometimes its my only reason for living. "She is all that I have left, and music is her name" -CSN

  21. #21

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    I don't know if that was helpful or just depressing. Me and my gf are in love and she says she's okay with bisexuality, but she hates porn, can't stand that I want other people, and doesn't like to talk about it. It hurts her and it just seems like it might get worse. Damn.

  22. #22

    Thumbs up Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    Quote Originally Posted by Drew
    By Anonymous

    In a perfect world, the “closet” wouldn't even exist because everyone's sexual orientation would be casually out in the open, upfront and universally accepted. The reality, of course, is still miles away from this ideal.

    Although media visibility has introduced us to the concept of “gaydar” and a collective idea of what traits trigger it, you really CAN’T tell if someone is straight, gay, or bi just by looking at them, (rainbow badges and “I’m Here, I’m Queer” t-shirts aside). This has made it easy for people to lie outright about their sexuality, or just quietly pass as the default “straight” — as long as nobody suggests otherwise.

    The advantage seems obvious— invisibility provides a comfort zone within which one can hide from prejudice in ways visible minorities cannot. Invisibility, however, is also paradoxically to blame for the continued existence of unchallenged homophobia. The thousands of non-straight people who live their lives under the radar add to the impression that alternative sexual orientations belong to a minority small enough to be easily dismissed as deviant.

    Because, unlike skin colour or gender, sexual orientation is neither physically apparent nor present immediately at birth, even people who will look upon racists with disgust can still justify other forms of bigotry by convincing themselves that sexuality is a choice, or that it was an acquired perversion due to something that happened to the person.

    Throughout history and even today, those who fear persecution or are subject to persistent questioning of their sexual orientation, have resorted to more elaborate charades in the attempt to prove to others that they are straight. Sham relationships and marriages and having children with a person they aren’t really attracted to, these actions help build the elaborate façade they feel is needed to mask their same-sex attraction.
    For gay people who would choose a real relationship rather than live a charade, disclosure is then required—at the very least, they’ve got to be “out” to each other. Whichever way they go, a relationship means a forced decision — pretend or disclose?

    For a bisexual person to enter a relationship with a straight person, however, neither pretending nor disclosure is necessary, leaving the question unasked and therefore unanswered. Whether or not you choose to disclose your bisexuality openly is a very personal matter, and cannot fairly be subject to the judgment of those who aren’t aware of your specific circumstances. However, when it comes to the subject of disclosure to someone with whom you’ve entered (or hope to build) a serious relationship, being upfront about your bisexuality is crucial, for the short- and long-term benefit of both of you.

    (Hear that? That’s the sound of all those alarm bells going off, joyfully ringing out “THREESOMES!” in the minds of many readers out there Keep those pants on (for just a sec longer, though—sex should be about fun and fantasies) —here’s how to walk so you can run to your heart’s content later on…you’ll trip if you start with your pants down to your ankles)

    It can be a difficult and confusing road for both partners in a relationship where one has taken the big step and revealed their bisexual inclinations to the other. Working together and communicating openly is crucial at every stage of this process, and don’t rush ahead until both sides know they’ve been heard. If one of you is struggling or reluctant, this will hopefully provide a framework for navigating the subject in the most helpful way.

    Step 1: Congratulations, You’re Out!

    Yes, feel free to celebrate even at this early moment of overwhelming and conflicting emotions. Regardless of whether you proudly came clean to a new partner as you began to get serious, or if you were disastrously yanked out of the closet when your spouse of 20 years caught you masturbating to gay porn, you’ve taken a big step out in the open, and can breathe a little more easily now that the hiding is over.

    Whether you’ve just come out to your lover, or your lover’s just come out to you, there are going to be a lot of questions and a need for discussion. When you make the time to sit down and make this happen—which is essential—these are crucial issues to discuss.

    While there has likely been a long process of soul-searching and self-examination to get to the place of understanding you’re at, self-deception can be a powerful thing, and there are many out there whose internalized homophobia is so strong (or even those who just haven’t felt any interest stirring within them whatsovever) that they live in complete denial and obliviousness to their own same-sex attractions.

    You owe it to your partner and to yourself to be 100% sure that you are attracted to their gender as well, before going any further. If you do come to the realization that you’re completely gay, it won’t do you or your partner any good to prolong the relationship any further.

    One of your partner’s biggest concerns is going to be the reassurance that you’re still very much attracted to them, and you need to, with great care, let them know you’re just happen to be aroused by same-sex fantasies as well.

    Another thing you will have to face, regardless of what your intentions or needs regarding acting upon your bisexual urges might be, is the fact that this may be a difficult or even impossible thing for your partner to accept. If you know they’ve had strong homo/biphobic views long before your own sexuality is divulged, it may be an impossible road. Some people are able to change their long-held prejudiced beliefs when they learn someone they know and love admits to being “one of them”, but too often the result is to spontaneously forget years of history and trust in that person

    Sharing personal and individual experiences about how you came to this realization (and acceptance of it, etc) is a really good way of helping your partner with their own acceptance. Having a sense of the emotions, fears and challenges is what will most help your partner. The human experience is something a lot easier for us to empathize and identify with, than is a broad, faceless concept like "Bisexuality" (which is already so misunderstood to begin with). Also, sharing stories that take place in a context familiar to them, is a constant reminder to your partner of the real you, not the stranger they may fear you now are.

    This can also be an opportunity to open up a dialogue where your partner can feel safe revealing any sexual fantasies they might have been too shy to discuss with you beforehand. Needless to say, you should approach this with the same open-mindedness, patience and understanding you hope they can demonstrate to you—in fact, it’s a great chance for you to set the example.

    Step 2: Now What?

    You now need to ask yourself, especially if you came out to your partner voluntarily, what your motivations were for doing so. Was it just to share something personal with them in order to build closeness? Was it to explain that you sometimes look at same-sex porn, so that you won’t have to be secretive about it around them? Or maybe you’ve realized that you haven’t done all the experimentation you’d like to do before settling down, maybe you’re not sure if settling down is your eventual plan at all.

    You need to really understand your own needs, because you then need to communicate all these things to your partner Successful relationships require an understanding of the other’s expectations, and as in all unions, they have the right to know what they’re getting into. It isn’t fair to lead them on, or to let them go on planning your future together if you have any doubts that you’ll want that same conclusion.

    Don’t approach this discussion as though you’re writing a contract—this is a process of learning and understanding, and it’s important for both of you to keep that in mind at all times. What it is, however, (or should be, at least) is an honest disclosure of the situation as far as you can know yourself, and an assessment of how likely you think things are to change, or how certain you are that they won’t. Desires and needs can develop and change over time, and so can your partner’s comfort level in accepting or accommodating them. If and when the status quo requires change, you will both need to reopen discussions.

    Step 3: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pornography

    The reality is that our recurring sexual urges are not going to just go away when they’re inconvenient, and the best way of keeping them under out control is to have an outlet for them. When acting on bisexual urges isn’t a desirable or possible option (and there are countless reasons for this—you’re in a happily committed relationship but your fantasies occasionally involve members of the same sex; the object of your desire is a celebrity you’ll never meet; your partner is fast asleep and you don’t want to wake them; you’ve concocted an elaborate scenario that takes place 500 years in the future) many people find an easy outlet in some form of erotica or pornography, and it is strongly recommended that both partners make the decision to be comfortable with the presence of porn in their own or their partner’s sex lives.

    Many people have issues with porn, and if you’re already dealing with bi disclosure, you might overload. However, porn and erotica can be a simple and private means. Jealousy can certainly happen, but many people do like porn, even when they have a wonderful sexual mate, and it isn’t something to be taken personally or to feel insecure about.

    This is an especially important area for those dating a bisexual. If you can get to the point of not being threatened at all by the fact that your partner sometimes fantasizes about random people who aren’t you, it’s a lot easier to accept that their attraction to people of the same gender can remain part of their anything-goes fantasy world, instead of needing to be played out in the more complicated reality. And besides, sometimes all the other-gender-experimentation that many bisexuals crave is to have a good free-for-all-fantasy wank, comfortably free of shame or secrecy.

    Step 4: Talk Pervy to Me: Bringing Bisexuality, Bisexuals and Beyond to your Bedroom

    Still with us? Great! Should you wish to continue to experiment and explore your bisexuality, there are a number of options. Should you find your partner eager and willing to experiment with you, inviting some gender role-play or other fantasy scenarios into your routine can be an exciting adventure for both of you. Haven’t visited a sex toy store lately? Now would be a good time to take a trip together, you’ll discover a number of toys to help bring these fantasies to life and they’re coming up with all sorts of new surprises every day.

    If your bisexual desires still urge you to experiment with another lover, threesomes (or more-somes) and polyamory are solutions that many bisexuals find work for them; there are other articles on this site about these topics should you wish to learn more.

    Learning about your needs, how to fulfill them and take care of your partner is a process that requires a lot of time, sharing and understanding. Making changes to both of your lives is going to take time and is going to be a hard road to travel. But hopefully both of you can keep in mind why you’re together in the first case, and from there understanding, acceptance and maybe a whole new dash of fun can be added to your relationship.



    (c) Copryight 2007 Anonymous
    Great subject as I am bi but my partner is straight and she just loves my life style and supports me in all I do in it. She also loves seeing me pleasure another guy in anyway and loves seein me take it up the ass, as I am a loud energectic fuck I just let it all out and go with it. Oh yes I'm very open with my lifestyle

  23. #23

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is B

    Quote Originally Posted by holybane
    I don't know if that was helpful or just depressing. Me and my gf are in love and she says she's okay with bisexuality, but she hates porn, can't stand that I want other people, and doesn't like to talk about it. It hurts her and it just seems like it might get worse. Damn.
    It sounds like she wants to keep you (take it as a compliment of your non sexual qualities. . .) but doesn't love you.

    *Taylor*
    You can't change the way I am. . .are you strong enough to be my man?
    --Sheryl Crow

    Protect your unicorn!!

    Pssst! There's naked men ------------->Here!


    آزادی راست کاملاموجودات ذی شعوراست


    Thank you. . .

  24. #24

    Re: ty

    Quote Originally Posted by russable
    well;not sure what i did wrote one reply already and lost it!trying to correct some errors.anyway what i said was that i originally came to this site looking for sexual connections,and what i have found has turned out to be much more beneficial.articles such as these make you think!a lot of it points out things that relate directly to my situation,at least.looking for sex ended up thinking hmmmmmm.the other thing is that for the very first time i have been able to ask and be asked questions by people who also consider themselves bi!! it has been and is a great release.intelligent articles such as this remind me that i am not here as much for sex as i am for connections to real people who can and have helped me express that which i have forbidden. i thank you all!!

    Great post russable. I completely agree with you. I also came to this site to chat and find sexual connections, but all of the information available has been very valuable and thought provoking. It's great having a place to go to express this side of my sexuality. I love being able to talk intelligently to other people that I can relate to.

  25. #25

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    I guess I'd have to go along with what Long Duck Dong quoted. I believe people can be more than just sex machines. That people should look to what else they have to offer someone, That being bisexual is not all who you are. There;s more than meets the eye.Giving of yourself in all aspects is what's important to truely be yourself with the ones you love and the ones you want to know. Being biis part of me but not all of who I am as a person. Looking beyond the erotic chat to see and want to see who's really inside ,that's important to me and should be with everyone.
    Hopeless Romantic[" Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away".... "Hilary Cooper"

  26. #26

    Lightbulb Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    undefinedundefinedundefined
    I am new to all this Bi stuff i found the article very interesting,but not alot was said about the person who is not Bi and how they are to cope with this new frontier their partner has chosen. I am not saying that Bi is not normal or otherwise but i feel there is two sides to every story. some insite on that would be nice. Just a hint for a new article that could be written.

  27. #27

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    I am one of those that married. We have had four beautiful children together and I have not regretted that choice either. But I still long for that female companion. I did find the courage finally to come out of the closet at 42. Very Hitch Hiker of the Galaxy of me in timing, I know. But that article at least shows me that I'm not alone and I have started to take the right steps.

    What spurred me finally to come out was the death of my beloved Gay uncle who died needlessly in the closet because he was afraid that he had AIDs and didn't want his family to know. He had Hep B. But he never went to the doctor until it was far too late.

    The closet kills and I hope one day we only see that in old museums of Gay history.

    Catherine
    Last edited by Catherine; Jul 17, 2007 at 9:38 AM.

  28. #28

    Smile Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

    To whom ever wrote that article, thank you! It was very helpful to me. I am still new to being "Bi", just a couple years since when I discovered I liked my own sex too. It was a great challenge at that time because I was already in a relationship, and if only I had been part of this community then. I know it would have helped me a great deal. Fortunately my partner and I got through that surprising discovery. And he is better with it now. But it was and still is hard sometimes. We are still in the midst of our discussions over this topic. Thank you for the simple but very important reminder of making sure we get our needs met too. I think it is easy to repress them. For a while I was having great longings to look at nude women and I would open up a book of nude women at a book store only to guiltily quickly put it back! I finally did look at nude pictures and with my partner! He seemed totally fine with it. And I felt very soothed and peaceful and calm inside and like I was finally okay. its hard to explain in words.

    I do agree that there is more than us then being bi. Of course there is! And bi is just a label. It can't contain us. Labels can be useful i suppose. I hope and dream that one day we wont need labels. That we can be free to express ourselves.

    Thank you again. And I am looking forward to exploring this community more and connecting with other like minded souls.

    Caroline

  29. #29

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is B

    I decided 4 yrs ago I wanted to be with intimate with women.my husband of 14 yrs at the time looked at me with wondering eyes as if to ask,'Why are you doing this to me? You just dropped a major bombshell on me'.
    I told him,(though it was after he agreed it was ok with him) that I was going to do it,weather he liked it or not but he said he understood. Much to my suprise,he was very supportive & we have had a few threesomes which we liked but decided we enjoyed 1 on 1 much better.I later told him I'd been thinking about it for 4 yrs but never said anything.Now married 18 yrs,he sometimes gets jealous when I want to be with a women more than a man,(any man for that matter,as we both swing) but at times,my passion for women is much stronger;sometimes my desire for women is very overwhelming for me.
    I'm brand new here & this if the 1st thread here I saw I wanted to respond to.It gave me some insight.I would like to thank the author for starting this thread.

  30. #30

    Re: For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is B

    I too am a married one. I've been with my husband for 11 years now and just officially came out to him two years ago. He knows me better than I know myself, so naturally he was fine with my bisexuality. We've been involved with another woman, as well as with another married couple. The challenges arose when the married couple and I became more involved in threesomes without my husband, and they ended up falling hard for me! They were very high school about everything and there was so much miscommunication! We have broke it off, and it was far from smooth... Be careful!! (Things are fine with my girlfriend. We've been friends for 11 years and it's a casual thing.)

 

 

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