Reaction of your wife

[wm1809]

I was woundering what the reaction was of your wife when you came out to or she figured it out on her own

[miamiguy4phun]

complete shock!!! she never thought i would be bi. she's bi herself but never in a million years would've thought that i was bi. she's my gf.

[Solomon]

i'll let her tell ya

am still working through the traumas and patching the walls, replacing stairs...

[flexuality]

i'll let her tell ya

am still working through the traumas and patching the walls, replacing stairs...

Sweetheart?? You'd better DUCK!

[NorthBiEast]

He's been fine with it from the get go. He says "Are you kidding? You're like the Holy Grail of sex!" not great for breaking the stereo types of bi-F with str8 hubby, but great for me!

I know you were looking for male response, but I had to share. I'm lucky

[flexuality]

In all seriousness, Solomon (my hubby) didn't really "announce" it as such. There was no "Sit down hun, I've got something to tell you" kind of thing. I am actually very glad he didn't do it that way.

But that's me.

Instead, he gradually exposed me to the idea and was very sensitive to my feelings. I didn't really know much about bisexuality and I don't think he had really come to any hard and fast "decision" about it for himself back then either.

I do know that if he would have just dropped it on me back then, I would probably not have been able to handle it, but that's just where I was at. I respect that fact that he KNEW where I was at back then and took that into consideration.

So for us, there really wasn't any specific moment. It just sort of developed naturally.

I respect him for that.

He also did not cheat on me. He chose to wait to pursue this until we could come to an agreement that worked for us both.

I really respect him for that.

[jedinudist]

I was woundering what the reaction was of your wife when you came out to or she figured it out on her own

Amazing understanding, Love, and support

[metasexual]

She knew right from the beginning, so it wasn't much of an issue with us. It was very comforting for both of us that the other was bi and we could be completely open right from the start.

[Barejerrfla]

I told my wife right at our first meeting I was bi... not curious, not interested, not hoping to be bi. Been bi since I was a teen and was comfortable with it and she needed to be too. It was one of those "deal breakers" if she couldn;t come to terms with it or was unable to accept me for what and whom I am.

I lived the lie in a previous marriage and wasn;t going to do that again.

She was and still is accepting of it, as long as i am not "fucking" every tom, dick and harry. I am not about that, close personal friends and "buddies" is my preference, don;t hang around bathouses or adult video places, nor patronize prositutes. As part of our agreement, I am tested every 6 months and am completely honest about who I am seeing and what we are doing.

It seems to have worked so far. your comments or questions are welcome, J

[Bi-ten]

Hi

Kicked out of my house and marriage of 19 years, overall not the best experience of my life lol.

A bientot!

[glantern954]

Slightly hystercial. When I had finally realized and accepted it I knew I had to tell her, even though I didn't want to act on it. I knew she was not homophobic, but I was afraid that she would still not want a bisexual husband. I was afraid of being rejected, so telling her was a very emotional experience. This probably didn't help her.

So with tears rolling down my face, I told her how I had always been aware of my same-sex fantasies and that it was only recently that I had experienced my first crush on another guy and that had made me finally accept my bisexuality.

Her reaction was complete shock and confusion. Her tears surpassed mine and she drank until she was sick and eventually sobbed herself to sleep. I felt awful and I thought she was going to leave me.

Over the next 24 hours, she went and talked with her best friend and thought about what I had told her. When she came back she said that she had realized that even though she didn't know this about me, that I was still the same honest and caring guy she fell in love with.

It turns out she is fairly polyamorous, more so than I, and has encouraged me over the years to meet other bisexual guys and experiment, along with her.

To say she is an amazing person is an understatement. I don't think I could be any luckier than I am. Of course, if i hadn't been honest with her in the first place, we never would have been able to get this far.

[Tom41bimwm]

when i told my wife, she goes that she figured that each guy has done something with another guy sometime when in his teens. she was curious to know exactly what i did. she asked a lot of questions and i answered them all. so, she was cool about me coming out to her, but that's it.

[IndyBiFun]

In a word, denial.

We've discussed it often and she tells me that she doesn't think she could be married to someone that is "gay." I explain I am not gay, I'm bi. Her latest comback to this is "bi now and gay later."

I'm just glad that I told her and we can discuss; at least a little bit.

So there is the struggle. Do you be true to yourself and be who you are or do you bow to the pressure?

[mikeiam4]

My wife (gf at the time) was the one who actually made me realize/admit to being bi. I had a lot of internet porn, and she asked if i was bi... i was shocked, did the whole 'hell no!!!' sorta thing... then she asked if i wasnt bi, the how come most (well, almost all) of my porn was either gay or bi porn!!

It took about two months before she talked me into going to see a guy for sex... and boy did she have to talk me into it... now, its a part of our marrige. So I guess i was the one who was shocked when my gf told me i was bi!

[welickit]

We are both bi and both very comfortable with it. When we first discussed it, she said she had watched to guys before and it didn't do anything for her. Then she said she would enjoy it if she had the open option to join in if she wanted to. The other guys she had watched were in the bed with her but totally involved with each other. I have been bi since I was a teen and she found out she enjoyed another woman when she was 27 and a girl ten years younger than her seduced her.

[Mrs.F]

Well, let's see....I am the wife who found out on her own. My husband was a member of this site for about 6 months. I got up one morning and found his laptop (which was sitting in front of me on the kitchen table...I was not snooping) with this site up. I didn't think too much of it at first but then since it was open I decided to check it out. I read his profile and his posts and messages. I was SICK TO MY STOMACH!!! I could not believe that I had been married to this man for 10 yrs. and never knew this about him. I confronted him about it and I could tell he was very scared and nervous but I was down right PISSED and HURT! I spent many days crying and trying to figure out what all this meant, to me, to him, to our marriage. But he convinced me that there were other straight wives on this site and that it might be good for me to talk to them. He promised (from the bottom of his heart) that he had never done anything behind my back and never would...I totally believed him and still do. I've learned alot from this site and have met some wonderful, loving friends. I love my husband very much and am actually very proud of him.
I feel bad for the one's who's spouses don't try to understand and I feel bad for spouses who have their partners cheating on them.

[bigdreams3250]

Well I dont have a wife, but I had a very close 'internet' friend who i expected to eventually live with if not marry. She lives in the UK and I dont.

I am a sometimes inhabiter of another website and I had changed my sexuality profile from nothing to Bisexual. A girlfriend of hers saw it and told her. Due to many circumstances ranging from time differences to alleged unpaid phone bills on her part, I did not get to talk to her about it.

About half past midnight UK time which is ten hours later here, I copped it. I suddenly became the nastiest and most horrible person universally. All because a sexual preference had gone from nothing to Bisexual. All of a sudden I had become the worst of human perversity that existed in the world. I think in her mind I was guilty of every perverted criminal act in the UK and Australia. Forget about the plates and cutlery and holes in the wall, she couldnt do that. However she picked on every fun thing that I did or wanted to do for her and her kids and twisted it in her own mind.

At the end of the day I just pulled the plug on all the communication systems, metaphorically speaking that is. I do believe that it was a good way for her to get rid of me. The relationship had cooled off completely by her lack of communication and I believe this was an 'out'. She knew it was an excuse so all the rantings and ravings covered up any sense or logic. The fact of the matter is that I am the same now as I was at Christmas. Stupid!

[flexuality]

i'll let her tell ya

am still working through the traumas and patching the walls, replacing stairs...

I didn't do those things.

But I did want to say that before the bi issue ever came up, he had kind of dumped the gay or same sex attraction thing in my lap. When he did that, at first I was pretty devastated, but NOT because of the sexual aspect, rather it was feeling lied to that bothered me more than anything else.

I wonder how many spouses actaully react MORE to feeling lied to than anything else when it comes to disclosure.

That's always been the worst for me, feeling lied to.

[bigdreams3250]

Thanks for your answer and comment. I think as we must all understand that there is history behind all of these stories. I am not the sort of person that is deceitful or dishonest in any way, unlike my ex who was having it away with a 'friend' for a couple of years before walking off with my family. As I said, it was the wisdom of a 21yr old bi female friend that got me to look at myself. I gave myself a reality check and here I am.

The fact that this woman abused me is not based on any fact. One word on an electronic document seems to have driven her to distraction. I am glad I found out now.

[Mrs.F]

I didn't do those things.

But I did want to say that before the bi issue ever came up, he had kind of dumped the gay or same sex attraction thing in my lap. When he did that, at first I was pretty devastated, but NOT because of the sexual aspect, rather it was feeling lied to that bothered me more than anything else.

I wonder how many spouses actaully react MORE to feeling lied to than anything else when it comes to disclosure.

That's always been the worst for me, feeling lied to.

I agree with you totally. For me it was not the sexual aspect as much as it was being lied to, but he didn't really lie about it, he just never told me. I would have rather he told me then finding out how I did....but that's all in the past now and we've moved on.

[findingpeace]

In all seriousness, Solomon (my hubby) didn't really "announce" it as such. There was no "Sit down hun, I've got something to tell you" kind of thing. I am actually very glad he didn't do it that way.

But that's me.

Instead, he gradually exposed me to the idea and was very sensitive to my feelings. I didn't really know much about bisexuality and I don't think he had really come to any hard and fast "decision" about it for himself back then either.

I do know that if he would have just dropped it on me back then, I would probably not have been able to handle it, but that's just where I was at. I respect that fact that he KNEW where I was at back then and took that into consideration.

So for us, there really wasn't any specific moment. It just sort of developed naturally.

I respect him for that.

He also did not cheat on me. He chose to wait to pursue this until we could come to an agreement that worked for us both.

I really respect him for that.

This could have been written by my wife - she's been beyond supportive and very encouraging of me exploring my sexuality fully. There were no doubt some hard moments and we both had to express our deepest fears, but we've always expressed our deepest desires and we continue to grow stronger, closer, and deeper in love.

I think it helped that she's known for years that I've had some attraction for men and for the last few years that I wanted a threesome with another guy. It hit me one day after the gradual coming out - that we could have sex with anyone we want if we are above board and it would still be being faithful if both of us were completely comfortable. We talked about this and a couple weeks later she came to the realization too Now that we have put our thoughts into action we have been blown away by the experience - she also loves my taste in men and is impressed by what I have brought home so far

[NakedBike]

Well its been a very full week for me personally with regard to the whole bi-thing. First off considering that for my entire life I have viewed myself as hetro - or rather those are predominately the kind of relationships I have chosen to engage in - I am also very comfortable being around those that are forthright in declaring themselves either bi or gay. I just never defined my sexuality in any way. After a great deal of reading and a kind of re-evaluation of what I am and how I think/feel/act I can say I do have a bi nature. Although it isn't all sorted in my own mind as of yet it was apparently a very top of mind topic for me.

My wife had been away for 10 days prior and on Saturday evening we were drinking a bit of wine together and somehow-and this I will add was not intentional (this wasn't todays agenda so to speaK), nor how I would have chose to begin a discussion on the subject but we began to talk about "sex" than "sexuality". This was due in part b/c she had spent the week rooming together with an associate whom she knows is gay and has developed a close relationship. The program she is involved in on a graduate level deals with diversity in the workplace and as much as race is a tremendous issue, sexes and sexuality share equally as significant topics. My wife is open-minded-has always been and looked at relationships as loving another and doesn't have any "hang-ups" about whom anyone chooses. She has also become even more aware through her studies and interactions.

Well-the cat got out of bag so to speak-her reaction was mixed, at once accepting, angry and fear-full. My feeling were anxious-like a pandora's box had been opened -what had I just said to my mate of 19 years and what do I mean and what does that all mean long-term. I presently feel relieved because I know that I hold honesty in our relationship as a cornerstone. I'm also very concerned about how this will fit together within our relationship in the future.

This isn't over but any stretch of my imagination but I can say that something in laying open a part of myself to me and to her has drawn us closer and brought/reconciled something within me. Reading on this sight has given me a new kind of reality check and comfort in knowing it doesn't just happen to me/us.

[intuit2]

I'll try not to ramble...At first, my wife of 10 years was shocked, hurt, felt betrayed and cried for a night (and several days after that) when i told her i am bi. (I actually told her that "i have attractions to men as well as women" which totally freaked her out). BTW, I told her, she found nothing on my computer or had any other clue, to my surprise. After a lot of convincing that i am bi and not gay, she calmed down a bit.

I'm surprised that nobody mentioned having better sex or being more intimate after having told their spouse, for like in the case of many couples who share finally share this secret, the sex gets a lot better...and it has stayed that way since i told her more than a year ago. I have to admit, emotionally it's been kind of a roller coaster for the both of us, though. She's accepting of my being bi, but not able to deal with me acting on my desires because of her strong feelings about monogamy (and the fact that i experimented, aka, cheated on her, before telling her). I guess time will tell more.

[NakedBike]

intuit2- the sex/intm was terrific Saturday & Sunday but we hadn't seen eachother for the past 10 days! I think it would have been good anywhich way. I'm not sure it's the right way to describe the feeling but I felt a greater metaphysical connection with my darling. It probably had a lot to do with my own sense of vulnerability.

[holybane]

My gf was shocked. She said she was okay with it, but she cried, alot. She still says she doesn't mind but she doesn't like me to talk about it and she says I can't do things unless I want to lose her.

-Roger

[ElizabethJane]

I've read through this thread and for the majority - its been a battle - coming out that is. You see the issue far more unacceptable to most when it is the man who has realized his bisexual feelings rather than the woman.

I have to admit though, while I was dating there were men that were turned off by the fact that I was bisexual. I used to make a point of disclosing this fact during first encounters as its very much a part of my life and who I am.

My husband knew from the get go that I was bi - and would always appreciate the company of another woman outside of my marriage. I almost feel as though it is my inherant right to commune with my girlfriends as we so choose. Does that translate to equality when it comes to the man having that "inherent right" to "commune" so to speak with his buddies? That question and answer is different for every single person. We just spent the majority of the morning discussing this as I have a close friend who's husband last year expressed the fact that he's having attraction towards men and spent an evening spooning with his bestfriend who is gay.

I feel for her as this is completely new to her. They have been together for years and she always thought that she married a straight man. I sense that she feels a bit shafted so to speak. Kind of like - hey I didn't sign up for this. They are working through things, but the more and more I see of this situation the more and more I see they are really leading seperate lives. Should she be accepting of his bisexuality - sure - but does that mean that its ok for him to flounder about at gay bars without his wedding ring? I certainly don't agree with that. I feel he's being disrespectful to the vows they shared in their marriage ceremony.

Long story short - its never an easy situation. In a perfect world everyone will be ok with their sexuality and full disclosure happens at the beginning, but we all know this isn't a perfect world. How does a person handle this when it comes at them during the early part of a marriage, but after a lengthy relationship? Decisions sometimes have to be made - and changes ensue.

I just want to say 'its not fair'. But we all know the answer to that - 'life is not fair'.

I really don't know what my point is, but perhaps some of you can shed a little light on this situation from your vantage point.

Thanks for reading

ElizabethJane

[CanuckCouple]

First post here...

Okay here I am, the wife of a man who just "came out" (sort of) This after 17 yrs of being together in a heterosexual relationship...

It’s been three weeks of pure hell for both of us!

The conversation started easily enough, a few glasses of wine, a little snogging; sharing a few erotic conversations, then out it comes...

"I would love to have a threesome with you and another man, with me being the bottom to the other man" my husband tells me...

At first I am convinced he is kidding, pulling my leg so to speak, then after a few more agonizing minutes bantering back and forth I realized he was quite serious.

DH continued to tell me how he has just begun to explore his feelings and how this is all just a sexual thing.

Yes, DH fantasizes about men, not just with me in a threesome but bottoming for another man period.

My first question, comes sputtering out... "Are you gay"?

Emphatically NO!

DH assures me, the feelings he has for men is completely sexual, not emotional and this is the line HE draws between being straight or gay...

I look at him with complete disbelief, feeling the anger welling up inside of me…

What the hell are you then?

After careful thought and deliberation DH announces he may be bisexual, DH is still not happy with that label either however if I need a label then he guesses I can call him Bisexual…

DH has sexual desires for other men, loves fantasizing about men, completely turned on by MM and MMF porn but has NO interest in men on an emotional level, feels the idea of kissing, cuddling, “becoming one” with another man on a spiritual level quite disgusting…

DH couldn’t even sit through an episode of “Queer as folk. Yes, he now admits to loving the “back room scenes” just couldn’t handle the relationship stuff… (Yes ironically I used to watch QAF)

Inside my soul at that moment I was screaming, swirling around in the madness, scared, terrified to ask the following questions but knowing that the questions had to be asked…

Trying to muster every last bit of self-respect and patience I had left I asked the dreaded questions:

Have you been sexually involved (in any way, shape of form) with another man?

“No!”

“Do you currently have feelings for another man?”

“No!”

“Would you like to explore your same sex feelings”?

“Yes, with you I would”…

“Well, honey the last time I checked, this would be a pretty impossible feat as I am a women”!

DH went on to explain that he would like to openly discuss his feeling with me (no longer hide his feelings), visit porn sites together, role-play which includes “special appendages” for myself and so on and so forth…

DH further went on to explain his deep love and commitment to our children and myself and assured me that he would in no way jeopardize what we have…

Everything he needs DH tells me I can provide (with a little help from a couple of toys)…

I need to say at this point in our conversation I do start to get quite “excited” so to speak…

DH and I did end up making love that night and it was amazing although, in the morning all of my insecurities, anger, frustration, feelings of betrayal come flooding back. Pretty hard to cope with all those emotions while trying to get the kids off to school and myself off to work.

I spend my day completely in a fog, feeling quite similar as to how I expect Alice feels as she began plummeting down the rabbit’s hole. By the time my day is over, I have pretty much worked out that DH’s bisexuality is not going to work for me and I come home pretty angry…

DH is completely confused for as far as he was concerned, our lovemaking the night before and my calm, safe approach towards him was in his mind my “coming to terms’ and “acceptance” of his bisexuality…

In reality, I have spent my day trying to figure out what steps I need to take to leave him.

Here begins the cycle that has plagued me for the last three weeks…

We spend our evenings trying to talk out our issues, we come to some sort of “calm acceptance”, have mad passionate sex, snuggle into each other whispering words of devotion.

However by morning, I wake up feeling sick and disgusted towards what are marriage has become, I have lost trust in what I thought was truth, confused, isolated and alone. These feeling become stronger and stronger as the day goes on to the point where by dinner time, I feel the best way to resolve our “issue” is to just leave…

After dinner is done, the explosive arguing begins.

I tell DH that I can’t live with his bisexually, I don’t trust that he wont at some point need to explore his sexuality further then our marriage in order satisfy his urges!

DH feels hurt that he can’t get through to me that our marriage is the #1 most important thing to him and that he would never do anything to harm us…

I tell you, living in my house right now is sheer madness…

I have begun counseling to help come to terms with what has happened and through counseling I am hoping to either be able to accept DH’s sexuality or gain the strength I need to move on…

I just know that we can’t stay in the mental place we are in now…

I love DH probably more then I have ever loved him. I am so proud that he found the strength he needed to finally open up and be honest with me. I don’t regret that fateful conversation as I realize now that DH has probably been living a lie for way to long, I can’t imagine how painful it must be to have to live everyday as somebody your not.

Do I think we are going to be able to work this one out?

The odds are not pointing in our favor…

Its not his bisexuality, actually his bisexual nature is actually a turn on if anything else…

It’s my love for him and my ZERO tolerance for a non-monogamous relationship that I believe will eventually tear us apart…

I will at no time accept anything less then a 100% monogamous relationship in my life, and I fear that being bisexual DH will eventually find being monogamous not something he could live with. Just reading the posts in this forum have been enough to solidify my beliefs…

I know this is a super long post and probably more then what anybody ever cared to know about me and my life, for that I am sorry!

The day after DH’s disclosure, I hit the Internet, trying to find out about as much information as I could on bi-sexuality, mixed orientation marriages and homosexuality, though my journey I found myself here…

Although quite a bit of what I have read on here has been hurtful and confirmed my ultimate fears, I believe that through your personal stories I have gleaned a wealth of information and knowledge and for that I thank you!

I should also thank the person who created this website/forum. I realize the forum was intended to create a “safe place” for bisexual people to come and discuss/explore their feelings/emotions, however, what I found was a place where I can come to as a “straight” “bi-loving person” explore/research my feelings/emotions and not feel so alone and scared…

Thanks for allowing me to tell my story!

[csrakate]

Canuck couple,

I have sent a response to your post via your private message box on this site!

[ElizabethJane]

CanuckCple -

I read through this and I feel for you. What a shocker for you. You certainly didn't sign up for that ballgame did you? heh - no - not to make light of the situation.

Fact of the matter is - monogamy is number one in your world. People can be bi-sexual and monogamous. I think things come down to a trust issue here, will you be able to trust that you will be enough for him. How can anyone feel that they are enough when a spouse enunciates a desire for something they are not? Its a BIG deal.

You are always going to love him - but life may be taking you both in different directions, most importantly right now is the time for the both of you to be as REAL as you can so that life can progress the way it needs to progress. You know your limits and you have to be ok with your limits. Its sounding like you are more resigned to think that you will need to leave as you cannot comprehend him staying monogamous and feeling amorous for his male peers. Perhaps now is the time for him to really decide whether or not he's going to pursue his bi-sexuality, or deny himself his feelings in that manner. I don't get the impression that he wants to give up on the marriage however. I think he wants the best of both, as we all do. You have to know that he will be faithful - he's your husband after all, and you have trusted him for this long to not take up an affair with another woman, what makes it fair play for him to have an affair with another man? Nothing. It still stands, monogamy is monogamy, perhaps a restatement of your vows - or discussion of same is in order. I don't know, but these are the thoughts I had as I was reading your entry.

Good luck, and be well.

[Mrs.F]

You are always going to love him - but life may be taking you both in different directions, most importantly right now is the time for the both of you to be as REAL as you can so that life can progress the way it needs to progress. You know your limits and you have to be ok with your limits. Its sounding like you are more resigned to think that you will need to leave as you cannot comprehend him staying monogamous and feeling amorous for his male peers. Perhaps now is the time for him to really decide whether or not he's going to pursue his bi-sexuality, or deny himself his feelings in that manner. I don't get the impression that he wants to give up on the marriage however. I think he wants the best of both, as we all do. You have to know that he will be faithful - he's your husband after all, and you have trusted him for this long to not take up an affair with another woman, what makes it fair play for him to have an affair with another man? Nothing. It still stands, monogamy is monogamy, perhaps a restatement of your vows - or discussion of same is in order. I don't know, but these are the thoughts I had as I was reading your entry.

Good luck, and be well.[/QUOTE]

I agree with this, as it was exactly what I had felt when I found out about my husband. We had alot of heart to heart talks. We talked about his feelings and how I felt about his feelings towards same sex encounters. I shed many tears....many tears and I went through feelings of anger and viewing him as a different person....but I knew that I LOVED HIM and I didn't want to end my marriage on something that I DIDN"T understand. Joining here helped me ALOT. I've come to understand that my husband being bisexual doesn't change the person he is. Infact, I've come to love him more and I trust him completely. I know that he will never cheat on me. I know that he will never do anything unless I am completely OK with it. Your husband has been faithful to you throughout your entire marriage....knowing now that he's bisexual will not change that.
I wish you the best and I do hope that you can work through this. I do understand how you feel...it just takes time and lots of communication!!