Reaction of your wife

[biwords]

I've probably said this before, but....earlier this year I'd told my wife that I'd had a gay relationship of a few week's duration nearly 30 years ago, in college days. I expected her to ask me about it, providing me with a segue to talk about my present bisexuality. However, she had minimal curiosity (her brother's gay, it's no big deal to her, and after all, my adventure was very remote in time) and didn't ask questions. This took me aback to the point where I didn't say anything further, tho I resolved to do so within a week or two. Before I could do so, however, she walked into my study when this site was up, saw it, said nothing to me, but went upstairs to bed, where she asked herself questions like 'so all these years when we've made love, has he been thinking of a man?' (answer, no). When I came up to bed we talked briefly about it; the following evening we met downtown for supper (she was working late) and I laid out the whole history. It was a great talk and she could not have been better about the whole thing -- I felt I was falling in love with her all over again. That said, our discussions about what this means have yet to reach a conclusion. I've said that it's really impotant to me that I reconnect with my bi-gay side, although I love her deeply and want to be with her for life. (I said "if you want to get rid of me, you're going to have to shoot me"). She really would prefer that I be monogamous but has also said 'you have to do what you have to do'. So we're currently almost in a 'don't ask, don't tell' situation, which can't go on forever.

[BigDog88]

Well, first of all, I want to thank those of you that have posted in this thread. I've found the reading very enjoyable... but painful as well.

I had my first experience with another guy when I was a teen. It was awesome and I'll never forget it. Then, I married young and have kept these feelings under wrap, knowing full well my wife would never understand. And neither would my grown children. The choice for me is simple, keep it hidden until I die, or risk everything I've worked so hard for. I see no "happy median". I hate the idea of cheating, but I simply can't get past what I so immensely enjoyed years ago.

I happened onto this site quite by accident. I don't like the idea of going behind her back and cheating with another male or couple, but I feel there is no other choice.

I appreciate those on this forum that have been so incredibly understanding of your mate's desires. You all are so blessed!

[biwords]

My gay cousin's advice in situations like yours is to go to a bathhouse to determine whether the experience enjoyed so many years ago is still as enjoyable -- after all, nostalgia is powerful, and people (and their bodies) do change. Provided you play safe (he argues), the chances of a messy emotional situation, and therefore of damage to your marriage are minimized.

[DiamondDog]

My gay cousin's advice in situations like yours is to go to a bathhouse to determine whether the experience enjoyed so many years ago is still as enjoyable -- after all, nostalgia is powerful, and people (and their bodies) do change. Provided you play safe (he argues), the chances of a messy emotional situation, and therefore of damage to your marriage are minimized.

BigDogg-Don't Cheat that would just fuck up your marriage and I don't see how cheating or going to a bath house (places where there are lots of poz men and HIV and other STDs are easily spread, and lots of people use meth) would even help in your situation.

[Kuragxo]

I told my (female) partner at the beginning of our first "lunch date" before any sexual or physical shows of affection happened. Her response, "I think most people are bisexual anyway."

[vices2habits]

<snip>

The choice for me is simple, keep it hidden until I die, or risk everything I've worked so hard for. I see no "happy median". I hate the idea of cheating, but I simply can't get past what I so immensely enjoyed years ago.

There is no happy median, as you well recognize. If you want an honest, above-board life where you are not being cheated out of your own life, however, then the only way is to carefully and skillfully persuade your wife to accept who you are... all of you. Some wives can't and won't... but as you will read on here and other places, such as LitErotica Forum, there are many wives who do, in fact, happily and eagerly accept their husband's bisexuality. Do not make it a sudden surprise, though.

I don't like the idea of going behind her back and cheating with another male or couple, but I feel there is no other choice.

Many do go that route... but the sneaking, hiding, tension and guilt will do more damage to you -- and potentially to your marriage, in addition -- than even the loss of half your material possessions along with your marriage... if your own integrity is something that you cherish, that is. If you are an honest man now, you will not be any more once you become a sneak and a cheat. It will change you.

Do you have a relationship with your wife... or just a peaceful marriage?

Many are happy to take the peaceful marriage, the happy homelife, et cetera and run... that ain't so bad, after all.

These tricky waters are not for the faint-of-heart... navigate carefully, and best of luck.

[casio]

For me it was easy to tell my wife that I was bi. She is very understanding and supportive. I am a lucky man. My first wife wouldn't even talk about it in a rational way until we were divorced for five years, Talk about luck......

[BigDog88]

There is no happy median, as you well recognize. If you want an honest, above-board life where you are not being cheated out of your own life, however, then the only way is to carefully and skillfully persuade your wife to accept who you are... all of you. Some wives can't and won't... but as you will read on here and other places, such as LitErotica Forum, there are many wives who do, in fact, happily and eagerly accept their husband's bisexuality. Do not make it a sudden surprise, though.



Many do go that route... but the sneaking, hiding, tension and guilt will do more damage to you -- and potentially to your marriage, in addition -- than even the loss of half your material possessions along with your marriage... if your own integrity is something that you cherish, that is. If you are an honest man now, you will not be any more once you become a sneak and a cheat. It will change you.

Do you have a relationship with your wife... or just a peaceful marriage?

Many are happy to take the peaceful marriage, the happy homelife, et cetera and run... that ain't so bad, after all.

These tricky waters are not for the faint-of-heart... navigate carefully, and best of luck.

Excellent advice and I very much appreciate it. You asked if I have a relationship or a peaceful marriage... I must say it's peaceful... most of the time. Probably no worse than most people. But her religious background completely precludes her from being open minded. So that said, I suppose my best option is to simply not act on any of this and remain forever quiet.

Life is so short and there is no need to be a wrecking ball in the lives of those that love me. But it seems I've lived my entire life making others happy.

[vices2habits]

Excellent advice and I very much appreciate it. You asked if I have a relationship or a peaceful marriage... I must say it's peaceful... most of the time. Probably no worse than most people. But her religious background completely precludes her from being open minded.

Just one man's point of view... but from the perspective born of the experience of having taken the very road you are looking at taking, from the very place you are now -- long-term marriage, comfortable home, successful family business, prominent place in the community... yada, yada, yada. And because I went about the whole "coming out to wife" thing completely wrong (really clumsy... bull-headed... assumed that a rare intelligence also meant open-minded... believed that love automatically meant acceptance)... I paid the most dear price for it.

But I have my freedom, for what that's worth... as Janice Joplin sang, "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose," and there are days when it seems like that. But I don't have to hide or sneak around, either.

A religious background may indeed preclude someone from considering anything but strict, plain-vanilla heterosexuality to be a sinful perversion... but there are many mainstream churches which take a more humane view of humanity itself.

You may find some enlightenment -- perhaps just some food for thought -- from a group called Liberated Christians... the following is from their website:

Doesn't The Bible Teach That Sex Belongs Only In Monogamous Marriage?

Take out your Bible and show us where! Traditional Christian teaching wants you to believe this. But if you search the scriptures and understand the original Hebrew/Greek texts, the history of biblical interpretation and the influence of non-Christian thought on Christian tradition, you will discover you have been sold a lie all these years. We will provide you the historical background and share from scripture what was really taught by God and Christ...

There are many for whom religion provides much comfort, so although I do not partake of it at all -- I gave up Catholicism one year for Lent, and never went back ;-) -- I wouldn't dream of criticizing or finding any fault in those who do (so long as they do not try to run my life by their beliefs).

The above may provide an avenue for (cautious) discussion with your wife... and though that is probably a multi-year, step-by-cautious-step project, it may pay the dividends you are seeking in due course. Never drop the lobster before the pot's a-boilin' ... if you catch my drift.

So that said, I suppose my best option is to simply not act on any of this and remain forever quiet.

Not acting doesn't also mean "forever quiet." Many live out their sexual fantasies through writing... it can be cathartic and therapeutic just to express sexual desires in the form of erotic stories. Many find that by casting their own characters -- who are not them -- in the favorite scenes from their fantasies they can, at least semi-vicariously, not only experience the scenes that turn them on the most, they can also control the scenes and characters completely. Now that you don't get in real life.

Life is so short and there is no need to be a wrecking ball in the lives of those that love me. But it seems I've lived my entire life making others happy.

Having a life with those whom you love also love you in return is a pretty sweet deal... and having the ability to make those whom you love happy as well is hardly getting the "short end of the stick."

I don't think you'd want to trade that for an empty single apartment -- or a motorhome -- and maybe an e-mail two days after your birthday.

In My Humble Opinion

[BigDog88]

Very sage and interesting advice. Thank you very much for taking the time to write (type) it all out. You certainly seem to have a well grounded and thought out approach to all of this. Sometimes, it my head feels like it spinning from the thoughts that I have. It's kind of like the little devil on one side, whispering in my ear and the little angel on the other side, telling me not to do it! :-)

But alas, I am happy with who I am and the things (both material and otherwise) that have been bestowed upon me. I suppose had I not had those brief encounters back in my teen years, I would not have to deal with so much right now, but hey, I enjoyed it immensely.

Again, thanks for the advice. You have no idea how much I appreciate it!

[HiBiGuy]

Hi there, I'm a n00b and this is my first post on this site. Great site, btw.

I've only discovered my bisexuality over the last two months. I've always known that I wasn't your stereotypical "macho" man, but to be bisexual? No ways...right!

I met a guy online on another forum and we clicked immediately. We became friends and when we'd opened our eyes, we'd fallen in love with each other. We didn't look for it or encourage it in any way, we just connected deeply and it happened. We're both married and immediately set boundaries - we both agreed that we weren't willing to risk our marriages for the sake of "exploration". The irony of it all was in the midst of it all, I'd changed for the better and Mrs. HiBiGuy had grown extremely close, our marriage was definitely much stronger as well. My wife would comment on the improvement in me and I'd keep telling her that she can thank my friend (if only she knew).

It's been an emotional rollercoaster ride. I tried to let my wife know what's going on by using subtleties and drawing her attention to the depth of my love for him. Two weeks ago I outed myself to her. It was a tearful evening for both of us. On my part, I knew that I had to be completely open and honest with her (something that we always strive towards) and so I had to open up a lot of my wounds in order to show her my journey over the last two months. I was in tears and so was she. Her tears came from a place of being pained by seeing me hurt so bad. She's told me that my not being "Mr Macho" was the attribute about myself that made her fall in love with me. She also told me that if all of the transformation that took place is the result of my being bisexual, then she's happy that I am. She also knows about my friend and how we fell in love; how messed up as we were, we didn't mess up.

I've let her know that I am able to just as easily have a deep loving and sexual relationship with another man, but I do not NEED to have it. I do however need to make good friendships with an emotional bond attached to it. (She's come back since and told me that she gets what I'm on about - that I'm looking to relate with male friends in the same way that women do). She's fine with it.

She's told me that I mentioned that I can easily have an intimate relationship with a man, and that I need to have intimate friendships. What happens if I fall in love again? ie Will I ever have sex with another man? I immediately tried to avoid the question but later realised that I wouldn't be honoring her openness and acceptance if I left it at that. I've told her that no, I cannot guarantee that I'll never "slip up" with another man. I am a frail human being. What I can guarantee is that if I do fall in love, then I will once again make sure that I boundaries are put in place. I let her know that I wouldn't be able to handle the guilt if I ever cheated on her, and to have encouraged or looked for it any way would make the guilt unbearable. She acknowledged that she'd asked an unfair question because what guarantee can she give to me that she'll never slip up with another man?

Last week I woke up to a teary wife. She'd been thinking about everything and looked at how I told my friend that if I ever had to choose between him and her, she'd win, hands down. She said that she can't help but ask, "Why does he love me so much?" I immediately joined her with my tears and told her that ever since I outed myself to her I've been asking myself, "Why does she love me so much?"

She's told me that if I ever meet a man and I fall in love with him, and I feel that he can make me happier, then she will not stand in my way - I must leave her and follow my heart. I reminded her that I am not gay, I'm bisexual and I can fall for a woman just as easily. I also jokingly asked her if she's trying to get rid of me.

I have found myself falling truly, deeply, fiercely, madly, head-over-heels crazy in love with her. Her presence consumes my life.

[Azrael]

I have found myself falling truly, deeply, fiercely, madly, head-over-heels crazy in love with her. Her presence consumes my life.

Welcome, noob. All I have to say is be careful. There is a fine line between being madly in love and total obsession.

[the mage]

Theres a big difference between love and lust too.

Don't go nuts.
Take your time in your new adventures.
Be sure what it is.

[wm1809]

Any new stories?

[Diablo488]

I told my current wife early on and we have talked about it a few times. She has given me three basic rules 1. Do not bring anybody home, 2. Do not talk about it, and 3 Practice safe sex and that is all.

[centillini]

For my wife's birthday few years back after we watched some biporn and got her excited. I said I will find a guy and we can do it, she said as a fantasy is fine nothing more.

[Visexual]

It’s interesting how some of these threads will go dormant and then come back to life.I’ve only been a member a short time and would have missed this one if it hadn’t been brought back.

My wife has known me since we met back when I was in the military.I had a reputation, at that time, for being a womanizer, a fighter, and wasn’t a guy anyone would have thought bi.

I only say that to demonstrate why my wife would never have thought.

I’m a writer and in a series of erotic stories about a swinging couple the two husbands interacted.When my wife read that part she thought it was hot and asked if I’d ever fantasized about something like that.That’s when I told her about my few childhood encounters into the bi world.

After that revelation, she’s known and is OK with it.She’s even said it would be fine if I experimented with the one bi buddy that she knows of.So, it’s don’t ask/don’t tell for me.

[Solar]

I had been away for about 9 months and got home just before my wife gave birth to our son. After delivery, she couldn't engage in intercourse as there were stitches involved, pain, etc. She asked me about getting off and I told her a hand job would suffice. After stroking for what seemed forever, she asked me what was wrong. No idea, maybe a prostate massage? She did that and observed the blissful look on my face. Hey baby, are you gay? No, why? She was hoping that I was as she then came out that she was a full blown lesbian and hoped I had dreams of being a girl. Long story short, l guess l consider myself a sort of she male that loves women but enjoys oral with guys and always a bottom for anal. My wife couldn't be happier.

[jamie63]

....well my missus (at the time) found out i was bi several years ago - we are no longer together! We were just talking about fantasies and stuff, then she decided to probe further, i told her i was bi, she said there's no such thing - only straight or gay, and decided it was time i get out of the house with all my stuff - i did! Even though we have very little contact, she still makes my life hell by telling my 13yr old son- thats your gay father! How fucked up is that?

tim

[Neonaught]

My wife took the news very well I thought. Her first response was to get online and book me an afternoon with a gorgeous young male escourt. She then took the kids to the movies for a few hours. Best. Wife. Ever!!!

[WebothBbi]

I am the wife, and I found out in THE worst way, he brought both me and our daughter to his boyfriend's house under the lie that it was his new scuba diving buddy. Oh they were diving alright! Between each other's legs. I was devastated! The entire thing stiff slays me. Not because he's bi, but because he liberated, lied and tried to play it off and put our child in the fray. I'm very bisexual and he knows how much work it took for me to finally "come out" to others, so for him not to be willing to tell me just down right hurt. We've worked thru it, but I just cannot look back on that day when he brought our daughter and I to this mans house without still having some pain. So if he's above board, and I get to meet the other guy and/or join in? I'm all good. He does it on the sly? He's going to be single.

[ba10016]

One night while we were having sex I told her I had sucked a cock. She became very excited and asked me to tell her all about it. As I spoke she used a vibrator on me. After I came, she made me eat her. Not long after that, she started buying me panties and camisoles to wear under my street clothes. After that she introduced me to garter belts and nylons and nighties.

[Polar Bear]

My wife and I knew about each others bisexual orientation long before we got married.

[froglegg]

My girlfriend has many very close friends that are gay. She has always respected the strength required to be openly gay or bi. When we were first dating, I decided I should tell her about my curiosity, and that I'd never acted on it. I knew she would not freak out or judge me. It's just not in her nature. I was rather surprised by her response though. She laughed that coy "HA!" That I love so much. Then she pulled her phone from her pocket and said "well I can make THAT happen!"

I'm the luckiest guy on the planet!

[JaredT77]

She was actually cool with it

[Visexual]

One night while we were having sex I told her I had sucked a cock. She became very excited and asked me to tell her all about it. As I spoke she used a vibrator on me. After I came, she made me eat her. Not long after that, she started buying me panties and camisoles to wear under my street clothes. After that she introduced me to garter belts and nylons and nighties.

Your wife sounds like a very cool lady.Heck, my wife knows that I love to suck her cock when she wears a strap on or our dildo but says she’s no longer interested.

I’d pay a lot to have her enjoy it the way yours does!Envy, envy!

[pole_smoker]

I am not married to anyone. A woman, or a man since same gender marriage is legal in my state.

However whoever I end up with either a woman or a man will know about me being bisexual long before we ever think about getting married.