My husband may be bi...how to find out?

[preciosa]

Hi everyone,

I have strong ideas that my husband may be bi. I see some mannerism and affeminate ways in him, He hasnt come out and I love him, but I´d like some tips to find out whether he is or not.

Sometimes I find myself wondering whether he looks at women or men when we go out to the pubs....

[codybear3]

Hello Preciosa...If your relationship is good, why not just ask him? If you are into adult movies, turn up your "curiosity charm" and ask him if its okay with him if you can watch a gay or bi-sexual movie. Go to an adult shop to browse around and ask him if you can buy a strap-on and abuse him with it later...I am sure some of these fine people here will cum up with other ideas. Hope you find out.

P.S. - And if he is, will it matter if he looks at other men or women? And will it change the way you feel for him?

[mike9753]

Hi preciosa:

Codybear3 hits the nail on the head. The best way is to be open, but only of you can. You have not said how long you have been married nor what level of emotional honesty you have reached with each other. Some folks can ask each other anything - some not.

You might share with him your observations in a gentle humerous way. You might also tell him how you would feel about it one way or the other. This might give him permission to be open about an issue he has fewlt was dangerous to reveal.

How do you really feel about it? If he says he is bi, or has bi feelings and would like to explore them - are you ready for the consequences? Perhaps that question is one to answer firsrt.

Mike

[preciosa]

Thank you guys for your comments.

To be honest, I do not know what consequences it would bring to know for sure that he is bi. It would be a shock. Im no Mrs. Judgements, but we are newlyweds, 2 months only. We have no sexual problems AT ALL, actually in that respect we are great. He´s loving and caring, and we do not have issues at the moment. The thing is, at the back of my mind there has always been the same question...Is he bi? or just slightly affeminate? I have asked him directly: He denied it.

It is true, not everyone is ready to come out and tell things, and the honesty we have is not that fantastic, my man´s dream according to his behaviour is to be Mr. Perfect, so if he ever fails,like forgetting to call me, or any little thing...He finds the perfect excuse or justification. It´s difficult for someone like that to come and tell me...his real interests...he always call me gorgeous, he says he is so in love with me...he does show it...so im all confused!

I love him, I dream of the day I have a little baby looking like him...but i dont want him to try n be perfect...i rather him REAL.

Thanks for any approach!

[csrakate]

I can understand having questions about your husband may be difficult, but there is no other way to face this than to be open and honest in your communication. And as far as him having a feminine affect, that doen't necessarily mean that he is bi or gay...just perhaps more in tuned with a "feminine" side. I'm not trying to diminish your fears, just to help you see that having such an affect may not be indicative of anything at all. Keep the communication open and try not to jump to conclusions. It certainly won't help you feel more secure, nor will it make it any easier for him to be honest.

Best of luck to you both.

Kate

[mike9753]

Hi preciosa:

If you are newly weds, then go very slowly. An open and honest communication pattern will help you to live a long and happy life together. But developing that pattern takes time, patience and risk.

You agreed to marry him, so his mannerisms were obviously endearing to you. Trust your judgement. He obviously wants to please you and he says he loves you. Things sound pretty good!

If you don't want him to feel he has to be perfect, tell him - but most of all, when he does make a mistake - and we all make mistakes - forgetting to call, etc. - be sure to emphasize that you love him for his mistakes as well as his attempt to be the "perfect" husband. You love him - with all his characteristics.

Don't be in a hurry to open things up too much. Opportunities will come along. Look for the right moment. But be aware of what I call "pandora's paradox". There is great curiosity to find out what's inside, but when the box is opened, sometimes things are never the same - you can't put the knowledge or awareness back in the box. Go slow and be careful, but be honest and love each other.

Mike

[king333]

if you suspect hes bi you are probably right just ask him,he might be offended at first but he should get over it

[wellred]

Dear Preciosa,

The comments that have been offered here all are considerate expressions of support. This is great food for thought that I hope you will find both comforting and encouraging.

My observations are from a different perspective. I, too, offer them to you with sincerity for your well-being.

Your chosen name for this site, "Preciosa", reminds me of the word "precious" - meaning "of great value, excessively refined, rare and beautiful, or dearly beloved." Without knowing anything about you, except what you have revealed here, it is impossible to say if this is how you see yourself or want others to see you or both. But one's self-image is often conveyed to others. We often teach people how we want to be treated. A precious jewel is an admirable self-image, but it may keep others at a bit of a distance.

Let's suppose that your husband tries to be perfect because that trait has
been rewarded throughout his life. You met him and fell in love with him, in part, because of that characteristic. Conversely, he may have chosen you to be his mate because of the preciousness that you exude -- perhaps, perfection in his mine.

In new commitments (such as a new marriage) it is often common for individuals to maintain an image that they believe their beloved has of them. This can cause a bit of distance in the relationship. Many men are skilled at keeping a impenetratable image because they believe that is what is expected and, perhaps, because they are inexperienced in sharing their thoughts and feelings. (Observation of your father-in-law, if he is in this picture, may provide some clues about your husband's role model.) For women, a crude joke is that she feels comfortable around her man when she lets him hear her fart.

It is also often found that newly committed people, such as yourself, second guess themselves. "Have I made the right decision to make a life-long commitment to this man?" "Did he make the right decision?" "What if he (or me, or we) changes his mind?"

I sense insecurity in your writings, which I believe to be very natural for this stage of your marriage. Bisexuality may or may not play a role in this relationship, but I think that issue is secondary to the priority of establishing this new "nest" for the two of you. I also believe that if your husband carries some element of bisexuality that he may not be ready to acknowledge it to himself, let alone share it with anyone else. As you talked about the genders that he may be viewing in the pub, I was asking (in my head) does he go home with you?

As others have said in this thread, the light of relationships should not be forced from the shadows, but gently coaxed to reveal itself. You both sound as if you love each other very much...cherish this precious gift...it is rare, yes, precious <chuckles>.

Wishing you much happiness,
Red

[Sparks]

Well said! Here's my for what it's worth. It doesn't follow that effemenate mannerisms mean that he is bi, or, gay. In my experience with bi men, you would stand a better chance of him being bi if he expressed totally masculine manners with you. This is to say, that closeted bi men only express this effeminate behavior with other men.

Don't worry yourself too much. Non-judgemental communication is essential, regardless of the orietation. "For in the dew of little things, the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."

I hope this helps.

[preciosa]

Thanks to every person giving their opinion here, they are all appreciated.

I understand it is difficult but important to display and non judgemental attitude and keep it simple. This site has helped me a lot, and you people giving insight as well, sometimes this is not the kind of affairs I would talk about with my best friend...because my husband deserves my respect and I believe I should honor him, that´s why...I am left alone with my suspicious....so....thanks again to be a ray of light!

[nakedambrosia]

Hi Preciosa: One way would be to initiate fantasies relating to another man while making love. If he responds, expand the fantasies. A direct approach may scare him away. Such an indirect approach through fantasies might make him open up. If he does, he is sharing his innermost secrets, so if you go down that path be prepared to be supportive and willing to share his needs, if in fact he is bi. If not, don't go down that path.

[m.in.heels&hose]

Hi there preciosa
when i was dating a woman (who later would become my wife) i told her 2 weeks into dating, that i was bi (as well as a crossdresser) and she looked me in the eyes and said "it doesnt matter, i love you, and these things dont change who you are and what i think about you, and a true love would never ask someone to change"


my feelings are this, if he is bi, he should know you well enough to know he can come right out and tell you

just my

[gina42]

hi preciosa,
i have been married 12 years this comming december....
2 weeks into our dating he told me there was something he needed to share with me and he told me that he was bi and also was a crossdresser,i looked him straight in the eyes and told him ,that did not matter to me ...
it was part of him and i loved him just the same,see i have the beleif that when you are in love,we have the best marriage,we are totally open and honest with each other,he is my best friend and lover all in one... and if he was to tell me tommrow that he was totally gay,i still would love him...
love is not about trying to change someone but it is about loving them for who they are as a person...
but my question to you is..." would it really matter if he was bi or not?"because if you truely love him it should not matter

[Lorcan]

hi preciosa,
you said it would be a shock to find out that you husband is bi. Probably that aspect of your personally comes across to him. If he's trying to be Mr Perfect, he wouldn't want to shock you.

I say deal with your perceptions of bisexuality first. Go to some Polyfidelity or Polyamoury sites. After all, you can only change yourself, not others. If he ever wants to come out, then you won't be shocked. I know of a freind who was married for a long time who just recently came out to his wife; she said she knew from the beginning. And they are just now exploring a poly lifestyle.

Then again, i was with a man who had feminine traits for a long time, and he was very straight.

[Bi-ten]

Dear Preciosa,

I also believe that if your husband carries some element of bisexuality that he may not be ready to acknowledge it to himself, let alone share it with anyone else. As you talked about the genders that he may be viewing in the pub, I was asking (in my head) does he go home with you?

Red

Hi Preciosa,

I can attest to Wellred's point here. I was in such a state of denial it took over 20 years to recognize and come to terms with my bisexuality. I remember when a dear friend suggested I might be bi or gay just a year ago, and I was upset that she would think that of me...to me this was an affront to my masculinity.

So the point here is that childhood upbringing and social programming can be extremely powerful, forcing us to hide feelings even from ourselves. Prying it out of him before he is ready may be hurtful, and if he is straight could cause some hard feelings.

So here is my 2 cents.

1. Be sure you can live with the pandoras box once its opened. That is, can you really accept it if he is bisexual?
2. If you can accept it, just leave it alone. Let him know indirectly from time to time that you would accept him if he had these sorts of feelings. If its there...it will come out eventually.
3. If you can't accept it, things get more tricky. The more you push (I think) the deeper under cover he will go. This could cause some stress on your relationship and make him feel he cannot be honest with you.

Good luck to you both,

[aheatseeker]

why dont you get a bi-sexual movie and tell him you just got a new video that you wanted to watch with him. if it turns you on that he might bi, then when your watching the movie tell him that you had been thinking about it for sometime and it turns you on. if he turns away in disgust or something, tell him you would work with him and that he should try bi before saying no. keep him comfortable and dont push him. start doing oral on him while fingering him. and is he does open up then use a viberator and dildo on him and then go to a strap on with him and then when all toys and roleplay done with him, then move on to finding a bi guy or couple with bi-guy for him to experiment. all depends on if he opens up and what he is willing to try. he might say no now, but he might open up later on, months or even years later. all up to him being honest with himself and opening his mind and trying it.
alan
pensacola, fl usa

[canuckotter]

Umm... Maybe I'm missing something but why is it you think he's bi? You mentioned that he's slightly effeminate, but beyond that, what has he done or said that makes you think he might be bi?

[teddyboy]

I tend to agree with Otter, I think the answers and suggestions so far have been great but I keep wondering why you think he may be bi? If it is just because he may be slighty feminine and you are wrong you may do some damage to your relationship. What the hell do I know though?

[Reprob8]

Hi everyone,

I have strong ideas that my husband may be bi. I see some mannerism and affeminate ways in him, He hasnt come out and I love him, but I´d like some tips to find out whether he is or not.

Sometimes I find myself wondering whether he looks at women or men when we go out to the pubs....

I know straight guys who are mildly effeminate and I have seen gay guys who you would never guess as being gay by there mannerisms. You probably know him better than anyone else so if you feel that he may be attracted to men then you can ask him however if my wife had asked me before I was ready to admit it to myself I would have told her no and it would not have been a overt lie as I did not realize it myself.

Please remember that whatever his sexuality it is NOT a choice and not his fault, also do not blame yourself as there is absolutely nothing you can do to influence his sexuality. I think being bisexual takes more work and require more support than being strictly gay or straight. Sometimes it is best not to label a persons sexuality but to address the attractions and feelings individually, if you label yourself you place artificial limits on your behavior instead of accepting your feelings.

[DiamondDog]

Hi everyone,

I have strong ideas that my husband may be bi. I see some mannerism and affeminate ways in him, He hasnt come out and I love him, but I´d like some tips to find out whether he is or not.

Sometimes I find myself wondering whether he looks at women or men when we go out to the pubs....

being effeminate has nothing to do if a man isn't heterosexual.
my ex boss was VERY femme (in his voice and mannerisms), and a sensitive man and he is het.

[Herbwoman39]

I'd like to spend some time approaching this from a few different angles.

First, you say he has effeminent mannerisms. My hubby and I have known each other 15 years and been together for nine. He's is most assuredly hetero although he does enjoy ocassional homoerotic play. He didn't marry until he was 37 and even his own family was starting to ask questions. Hubby is simply a very sensative, sweet, caring man. Maybe yours is the same way.

My intention is not to demean your relationship when I say this: You two are just babies as far as your relationship goes. Married 2 mos. the two of you are just barely beginning to know each other. How long did you date before moving in together? Did you wait until after you were married to move in together? I hope you see my point.

It takes time to REALLY get to know someone.

Secondly; if he *is* bisexual, he may not be aware of it on a conscious level. I lived in denial from the age of 9 to 38. It wasn't until a week before my 38th birthday that I realized that I really AM attracted to certain women.
How does that affect my marriage? I remain monogamous because I choose to. I will NEVER act on any sexual feelings outside the marriage - not because of any notions about the sacresness of marriage, but because I refuse to hurt him and betray him that brutally.

So, you see, some bisexuals can choose monogamy and live in a happy, supportive relationships. If your hubby IS bi and in denial, don't push it. It will come out when he is ready to face it. And you will have prepared yourself for the possibility that he might be attracted to men, too.

[jedinudist]

as lovingly, non-judgementally, and non confrnatationally as you can...

just ask him

[DareMe]

Kuddos for you for not freaking out...

Be gentle, bring up the subject in a non judgemental way!

DM