The secret lives of straight-identifying men who hook up with other men explored

[hanalee]

This page is from here: https://www.queerty.com/secret-lives...-book-20210404
Tony Silva is an Assistant Professor of Sociology at the University of British Columbia. His areas of research include gender, sexuality, and rural sociology. But he’s probably best known for being the guy who coined the term “bud-sex.”

Queerty first interviewed Silva back in 2016 about his study on “bud-sex,” which is when two guys who identify as straight hook up together in private. They have wives. They have kids. They consider themselves 100% heterosexual. But they’re also able to compartmentalize sex in a way that allows them to get it on with other dudes without complicating anything.

Silva has since expanded that study into a full-length book. Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America explores the secret lives of straight-identifying men who have sex with other men on the DL. We had a chance to catch up with him about the book, his latest research, and to get his take on that whole Jerry Falwell Jr. pool boy sex scandal from last summer.
Here’s what he had to say…

You and I first spoke a few years ago about a study you had published about “bud-sex,” which is a term you coined. Now, you’ve expanded that study into an entire book called Still Straight. I never asked you then, so I’ll ask you now… How did you first become interested in this subject?

One thing I find fascinating is when behaviors do not seem to match the identities people have. Sexuality in particular is something many people consider important to who they are, so I decided to study this topic. There also isn’t a lot known about sexuality in rural areas or small towns, so I thought it would be interesting to examine this issue.
Why do you think gay men are so fascinated by the subject of straight men having gay sex?

I think one reason why is that straight men seem completely off limits–but some are in fact open to sex with other guys. I think that’s one thing gay men find interesting. Plus, a lot of gay men have hooked up with straight guys, so they know that some straight guys do this, and it’s interesting to learn more about the topic. On top of that, a very small percentage of men identify as gay or bisexual. It’s intriguing to think that there are actually many more men who enjoy sex with other men, but who are secretive about it.

You spoke to 60 straight-identifying men over the course of several years. That, to me, suggests that this whole “straight dudes having sex with straight dudes” phenomenon is a lot more common than people might imagine Would you say that’s accurate?

It is definitely accurate. There are more straight guys who have sex with other men than most people would think. Many of the guys I talked to told me that directly. From government surveys I analyzed, I found that several hundred thousand straight men in the U.S., at least, have had sex with two or more men. Most are secretive about their behavior, though, so it was a challenge to find men who were willing to talk to me.

Why do these men still identify as straight? Why are they not considered bisexual?
While many people understandably think that men are “closeted” if they have sex with other men yet identify as straight, this is not exactly true. Sexual identities may describe how individuals perceive themselves, but they do not always indicate a person’s attractions or sexual behaviors. These men are secretive about their sexual behavior, but not their identity. In fact, sexual encounters with men are mostly irrelevant to their identity.


What is the most surprising thing you learned from your research?
A few things really surprised me. First, a majority of the guys I talked to actually supported equal legal rights for LGB people. Second, many of the married men thought that sex with other guys was not cheating. It was almost like a loophole in their marriage contract. And third, when I first began talking to these guys, I was surprised that many loved to bottom and give oral sex. Interestingly, many said that bottoming for another guy was an opportunity to have sex but without feeling the pressures they did when they had sex with a woman. I did not expect to hear that.

Last summer, evangelist leader Jerry Falwell Jr. made headlines after it was reported he enjoyed masturbating while watching his wife have sex with younger men. Now, I realize cuckolding and “bud-sex” are technically two different things. (One involves being a live witness, the other involves being an active participant.) But they sort of fall into the same general wheelhouse. I imagine, if the reports about Falwell are accurate, he used the same logic the men in your research use when hooking up—it’s not actually “gay” because he doesn’t identify as “gay.” Would you say that’s probably true? Or is a man watching another man have sex different than actually engaging in homosexual activity?

That’s a good question. Many guys do not consider something to be gay or bisexual so long as they do not touch another guy. On top of that, many men feel like sex is “straight” when a woman is involved. Whether a man is watching another man have sex with a woman, or a man is having a “threesome” with a woman and another guy, many men feel like something is not gay or bisexual if a woman is involved. Of course, as the guys I talked to also pointed out, even sex between men is not necessarily perceived as gay or bisexual if a guy sees himself as straight.

Labels have been a hot topic within the LGBTQ community in recent years, and especially among younger generations. A lot of queer people feel they are outdated, simplistic, and don’t accurately describe who they are. We’re a lot more layered and complex than just “gay,” “lesbian,” or “bisexual.” Do you think heterosexuals are having a similar realization? Could we be seeing the beginning of a larger shift in how those belonging to the mainstream “straight” community view themselves?

I think this is definitely the case with women. Surveys show that increasing numbers of women in the U.S., especially young women, have had sex with other women. Most straight women don’t have sex with other women, but the numbers are rising. Men’s sexual behaviors haven’t changed as much, at least from what surveys show. A big reason why is that many men feel like having sex with another guy would threaten their masculinity. Same-sex sexuality is also underreported due to social stigma, so I’m sure many men do hook up with other guys but don’t tell anyone about it. Still, today straight women are more comfortable exploring their sexuality than are straight men. Of course, some straight men do have sex with other guys—and I talked to a bunch of them!

[KDaddy23]

This topic always cracks me up because I've known for the longest time that straight dudes do have sex with other straight dudes and, on the front of it, "It's not gay if we don't (add something they think is gay here)!" I've talked with a lot of guys who say they're totally against sex with men but will turn around and say things like, "Well, if you suck my dick and I don't cum, it's not gay so that doesn't count" or a plethora of guys who feel that if they fuck a guy in the ass - but pull out before they cum - that's not gay and, again doesn't count. Or if they get sucked off - but doesn't suck the other guy's cock, the same reasoning is in effect. Yeah, right... sure it doesn't count and you're really still straight.

The thing that makes me question society's collective intelligence is: Where do you think bi guys come from? Why is "boys being boys" both frowned upon but also "accepted" as being a phase as long as it doesn't go past adulthood? Way before this started being a thing, I've had sex with straight guys and I've heard some of them, in their opening bid say, "It's not something I do all of the time... but you know how it is, right?" Of course I do... but I don't have any problems with having sex with other men. Or I've had guys ask if I think they're "weird" because they're straight but they might not object to some kind of sex with a guy... and sometimes with me if I were agreeable.

While sexuality - and as we currently understand it - has been well-defined, why would a straight guy who has sex with other guys - straight or otherwise - continue to say that he's straight? The answer is simple: Because that's what he thinks. The social stigma can be blamed for this and some guys still fear being seen as gay despite that bit of stigma losing a lot of its power. You sift in the current stigma against bisexual men and it actually makes sense that there are some straight guys who don't want to get lumped in with men who identify as bi.

In my experiences, such guys are... funny in that they might be, let's say, socially against homosexuality as a whole but have often fallen back to, "Sometimes, a man gotta do what a man gotta do..." which, also in my experiences, if a straight guy needs to have his dick sucked and the guy he's hanging with - and we'll say he identifies as straight for this - is of a similar mind, then a "rule" I learned growing up with this comes into affect: I don't mind if you don't... and I won't tell if you won't. Dicks get sucked (at the least), the need is taken care of, and it's so easy for both guys to act like it never happened or, again, fix it in their mind that while this was nice, it's not something they'd do all of the time and I learned that this specific thing points right at gay men who has this sex all of the time.

I've seen straight guys blame it on the alcohol; I've seen them blame it on being overly stressed; I've seen them get with guys - including myself - because they don't have the kind of luck they think they should have in order to get a steady source of pussy. I know guys who are up to their eyeballs playing with dick... as long as woman is in the mix and they really do think that her being involved nullifies anything the guys might do. Infamously, I know a guy who's a swinger and sucking dick/being fucked like it was nobody's business... but when his sexuality was questioned, he said that because him and his wife had a Mistress/slave thing going on as well, he was just following orders; he said that because he didn't get his dick sucked by guys or fucked them, that meant he wasn't bisexual - and he even said that it wasn't something he did all of the time.

For some gay men, straight dudes are the ultimate sexual conquest; I get email from A4A that often offers a way for gay men to have sex with straight dudes (for a price, of course); there's a lot of porn where "straight guys" are seduced or paid to have sex with a gay guy and, I believe, under the false impression that a straight man would never have sex with another man when the truth is not all straight men would... but there are a lot who most certainly do and are able to convince themselves that what they did doesn't mean they're bi or gay. From where I've been sitting, none of this is anything new. They're trying to find a reason for it and, I think, overlooking the obvious reason: Straight guys have sex with straight guys because they want to have sex and if neither guy minds, it never matters.

And I won't tell if you won't, okay?

[mtnmen2]

I understand about being in the closet because family or business related reasons we all have lives and livelihoods to protect. However I do find it funny when I'm making small talk with the guy I'm blowing and asking questions like are you bi or gay and the come back with straight. I have to think denial is a strong emotion, but you would be surprised how many times I have heard straight. These are usually the guys that as soon as they cum the have their pants back on and out the door. This is why lately I prefer gay guys because they are usually a little more laid back and less inhibited.

[KDaddy23]

Being closeted is one thing. Being on the DL is another thing. Blowing and going, well, I understand what's going on with this even though it can be annoying. Telling me you're straight - but you wanna have sex with me? I'm not buying it even though I do know why guys do this. One could look at this as, "If you're not being honest about your sexuality, what else are you not being honest about?"

[Realist]

Years ago, I had a neighbor who was staunchly straight...he said!

One day, I returned a chain saw I'd barrowed. There was no one home, so I went to his barn, to leave the saw.

There, in an empty horse stall, I saw him leaning over a bail of hay, with another guy behind him(who I also knew)....both of their pants were down to their feet. His friend was standing behind him, energetically fucking my neighbor and, jacking him off at the same time! They were quite noisy, too!

I stood there in disbelief, until his friend succeeded in making him cum, then cumming himself.

When his friend withdrew, I quietly walked away, because I knew how much in denial he was.

I left the chain saw at his front door.

A while later, my neighbor and I had gotten into conversation about "perverts". He was adamant that he'd never do anything that could be considered queer, or perverted, in any way!

In a rare mood and, feeling like calling him on his illustion, I told him what I'd seen in his barn, only a few weeks before!

His face turned red and he stammered that I must have been mistaken!

I explained exactly what I'd seen and he knew he'd been found out.

Then, he told me that what they did was not homosexual, or perverted, since they'd never kissed!

I know he was terrified that his wife, who was a real beauty, would find out!

I assured him his secret was safe with me. However, I informed him that, if he could be aroused by another male and, would actually have sex with one, that he was surely, at least, bisexual.

I lived there, for several more years before I retired and moved, but he never spoke to me again!

I'd bet money, he's still having sex with his friend, while fooling himself that he's not, at least, bi!

[KDaddy23]

When I was in my 20s, I saw the most curious thing: Guys loudly proclaiming they were (a) homophobic and (b) 100% straight... but when "no one was looking," getting dick like there was no tomorrow. We're all supposed to be straight but, at best, all it really is - and when we know we aren't - is keeping up appearances for the benefit of everyone else. The difference was that in public, those guys were straight but privately? They might not have said they were bi but they knew they weren't straight. They'd suck dick and many would take it in the ass and, yeah, a lot of them would insist that they weren't gay because of this and speak to how much they liked women and pussy and they'd never give that up.

But if they were horny and there were no women to be had, any dude down with it would work. Just don't tell anybody else that we did this, okay? Today? Guys who have sex with other guys and insist they're still straight - and even while they're having sex with a guy - isn't them being of two minds about it; this is them lying to themselves and everyone else around them because we still hold very much true that if you only engage with people of the opposite sex, you're straight. Engage only in the same-sex mode? You're gay. Engage both ways? You're bi. If the shoe fits, wear the motherfucker. You don't have to out yourself to everyone you know... but stop lying to yourself and keep thinking that you're still something you know you really aren't. It's okay if you like some dick every now and then and you're not the only "straight guy" who does.

[Cum1st]

Way back when, I was active and doing glory hole service. I knew I was Bi, but didn't dwell on it.

On the other hand I didn't/don't consider those horny men that wanted to get sucked off to necessarily be Bi or gay. I feel many times it was the choice between jerking off again or getting a blow job. I suspect that many of them couldn't get one at home, or their woman really didn't like doing it. Being highly charged it was easy to respond to an anonymous finger circling the hole even if he vowed to himself to not let a man touch him when he entered the back room. Generally the porn I heard had women in it and/or they were in a hetero booth.

If a man preferred a man suck him off that would be around the fuzzy dividing line leaning toward being 'light in the loafers'. Watching a woman suck a cock and not seeing his cock in a man's mouth may not be so queer under the circumstances. A man accepting the pleasure and release of a hummer in plain sight may be more horny then gay too, not to mention the forbidden part.

Now a piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit. Why does the most popular hetero porn usually involve fit men with prize cocks, and why would a truly str8 man want to see another man's cum?

In my Bi-ness I would rather see the cock pulsing deep inside. Seeing a believable amount of cum afterword is a plus.

[KDaddy23]

Straight guys aren't stupid or clueless; they know that guys have sex with each other and for no other reason that they need to get off. They can jerk off alone or with a bud sitting next to them; if they lend each other a hand - literally - well, okay, might be a little weird but in a nice way. If jerking leads to sucking, well, now, that might be some "gay shit" but at the root of this is them knowing they like having their dick sucked and doing some sucking, very weird, but okay; if you won't do something the other guy will do, that gives your masculinity a hit. It's a gay thing but it's way too easy for a guy to convince himself that if him and his boy are just "helping each other out," there's nothing gay about that... so they're still straight and more so if they don't cum in each other's mouth or, if some fucking is going on, no cum goes in asses. They damned well know what they did but being straight, they have an image to uphold... so they're still straight.