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  1. #91

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I still choose to not come out and I never will come out to my family or co-workers or str8 friends & neighbors. I still prefer women to men and will give up my bi side if I meet a str8 woman whom I want to be with..best case scenario would be to meet a bi or otherwise sexually adventurous woman who is non-jealous and sexually open and playful like me so I don't hafta give it up, nor she I will come out to her and the people we choose to meet as I do now...to only the bi people I meet now. Being currently unattached and free to do what I want with whom I want is more exciting and naughty and fun than being in a hetero relationship. The sex is drama-free, natural and I feel no guilt!

  2. #92

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    My God girl what an awesome article! I have a short attention span and I was HOOKED!! Nice one

  3. #93

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    loved the article I just came out as bi it was such a relief if your reading this & still in the closit well it feels so much better to be out

  4. #94

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Although I do go a an LGBT club at my college, the idea of coming out to my friends and family is just too scary right now, especially since i don't know how they would react. Though there are many times where I just wish I could scream it out and just not care what their reaction is. I started realizing that I might like guys in my senior year of high school and for 2 years after that struggled with my identity big time. Now a junior in college and a long-distance boyfriend that no one knows about, I feel like I'm taking minor steps into acceptance, but it's going to be a long journey.

  5. #95

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I'm Bi like to play with men and lady and some time both at the same time

  6. #96

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Quote Originally Posted by baseball262626 View Post
    I'm Bi like to play with men and lady and some time both at the same time
    are you male or female

  7. #97

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    A really great article!!!!! I found threads of it in my present life. I have only let my mom and brother know about my new freedom of self.......I will not use that phrase "coming out", just does not make sense to me....should be something like "realizing my total inside spirit"....anyway this decision has freed my mind, body, and soul to totaly enjoy life...world might be an oyster, but I need my cracker and hot sauce too....Peace....Pheonix6

  8. #98

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I suppose one way to deal with bisexuality in the family is to use a "Sister Wife"/"Brother Husband" concept. However, this is a solution you have to approach carefully to minimize jealousy and hurt feelings.

    I'm still coming to terms with my sexuality so I have a ways before I'm really ready to come out of the bi-closet. I do think I will eventually come out--especially if I end up writing something that becomes really popular.

  9. #99

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I'm only "out" to my wife (she knew before we married ) the swinger community, and select friends. Wish could be "out" for everyone, but that won't happen!

  10. #100

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Quote Originally Posted by Brian View Post
    One foot in the closet with the door that swings both ways:
    To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?


    By Stephanie Creede

    Over the last few decades, the notion of same-sex attraction has increased in terms of mainstream acceptance, legal rights and recognition in some parts of the world. A growing prominence and visibility in mainstream culture is a strong indication that being queer is no longer verboten. The rite of revealing oneself to be gay or lesbian is a virtually universally recognized concept; it would be hard to find many people unaware of what is understood by the euphemistic, innocent-seeming expression “coming out.” However, bisexuals are not as readily recognized as needing this important step.

    Coming out is an emotionally trying and sometimes dangerous path towards self-actualization. The decision (and the factors one must consider before it), have been documented and described in ways as vastly different as individuals themselves—even those who’ve never faced such a struggle can identify.

    These chronicled stories make a significant case for the importance of coming out; for the well-being and strength of both the individual and the queer community as a whole. The greater the ratio of people openly identifying as having same-sex orientation, the more difficult it becomes for homophobes and moral objectivists to argue that same-sex attraction and sexual behaviour is abnormal or deviant.

    While there are scores of movies on the subject, and pretty much every young-adult TV series features the obligatory gay kid and their coming-out saga, there are nowhere near as many depictions of bisexual characters, leaving those of us out here in the real world little to identify with. Revelations of this identity are even more scarce, when they are shown they’re played for laughs (There’s Something About Mary, Dodgeball), an excuse to show girls making out (See: previous) or, the revelation is, by the character, deliberately intended to spark controversy within the narrative, as opposed to an unfortunate consequence (Velvet Goldmine, which, however, in other ways provides a unique and fun display of bi pride)

    Another way mainstream entertainment has skirted the issue is to show characters engaging in bisexual behaviour—from kissing (that infamous scene in Cruel Intentions), to “what the hell, I’ll try it” one-night-stands, to relationships with both genders, (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) without the character ever addressing the concept of bisexuality. (Was anyone else confused when Willow started dating Tara and suddenly was gay, never mind the years she spent head-over-heels for both Xander and Oz?)

    There are few, if any, pop culture representations depicting realistic personalities, be they fiction or not, as they struggle with the need to reveal their bisexuality, no realistic reflections of the diverse issues and reactions one might be confronted with. The reasons to come out are left unclear for the bisexual individual.

    So the question is not just whether to come out or not, but also why? What issues are relevant? Who needs to know? Who should know, and when does it become necessary?

    Something to remember is that “coming out” is not one singular event, it isn’t a binary “you-are-or-you-aren’t.”. As for those coming out as homosexual, people growing to understand their bisexual identity are never completely “in” or “out” of the closet; coming out is in an ongoing process that never really ends. We are constantly meeting new people and finding ourselves in new situations, and even if you never hide a thing, make it a point to tell everyone from family and friends to disinterested cashiers or your parish minister, and write “I’m Bisexual” on a nametag, one’s sexuality is never implicit; you’re still coming out over and over again as you shift from “undefined” to “defined”.

    By that definition, the same logic does apply, to a certain extent, to the straight-identified person as well—nobody “knows” officially if someone is straight until they reveal themselves to be so, but because heterosexuality is seen as the default or “normal” setting to which bi/homosexuality is the “other”, it’s much more likely that one will be “presumed straight until proven otherwise”

    This notion is one that is particularly problematic and is quite relevant to the issue of coming out, as it rears its ugly head over and over again the more you explore different societal and communal attitudes and beliefs. By presenting it as a deviation from the norm, as opposed to one of many possible-yet-common options, the subtle yet dangerous precedent is laid out, for the equation of same-sex attraction with the “undesirable other” always present in the dichotomies people find familiar and comfortable: innocent/guilty, normal/abnormal, right/wrong.

    It is here that bisexuality has an opportunity to break the dichotomy. While many still lump bisexuals into the “other” category with homosexuals, growing bisexual presence is also slowly introducing shades of grey, thus blurring the boundaries.

    In light of this, one issue considered crucial by many, is that by staying silent, you are helping to reinforce the very hierarchy that makes the decision so difficult. Many believe that hiding one’s sexuality is tantamount to agreeing with those who find it something to be ashamed of. Instead, making one’s voice heard, even to the smallest personal degree, will present a dissenting view of those preconceived notions.

    The survival and continued progress of establishing visibility and acceptance of the bisexual community, still widely considered socially and morally questionable, is impossible without having the numbers to back it up. However, we cannot accomplish these goals by forfeiting the happiness and quality of life of individuals..

    Sacrificing too much personal fulfillment in the name of public good leads to resentment toward your own community if your personal life suffers. When coming out can negatively affect your life, it doesn’t matter how many people are out; if ruined lives are what the public sees of bisexuality, they’ll determine bisexuality is to blame (and likely not their own judgmental attitudes towards it)

    In addition to sharing most of the prejudice and bigotry aimed at same-sex attraction, the process of making bisexuality public comes with its own set of new challenges, prejudices and misconceptions. While straight moralizers tend to lump bisexuals along with gays in their denouncement, support from the gay/queer community is often surprisingly lacking, despite the mutual concerns. It’s often seen as a negligible issue compared to their struggle, particularly when many bisexuals have the luxury of “passing” as straight due to appearance or having a partner of the opposite sex.

    Everyone has their own unique collection of consequences, pros and cons to weigh, in addition to those more universal attitudes towards bisexuality, when considering coming out. For some, the safety of ambiguity on the matter means they won’t be kicked out of their home unexpectedly without the resources to make it as an adult independently, others choose silence to protect their right to see their children from a homophobic spouse or ex who would gladly paint them as a deviant. For many, however, challenging the prejudices of a parent, ex, or co-worker by coming out as bisexual—and not fitting the negative stereotypes—can be a healing experience after years of collected shame.

    Even keeping quiet except for an anonymous account on an internet community space can be a significant and meaningful step forwards into self-acceptance and sharing advice.

    Most bi-identified people inevitably choose a level of openness somewhere between the two extremes; bisexuality can fall into a grey area of self-identification. While some people find it a big part of who they are, and a crucial detail in understanding their life, there are those who may experience bisexual feelings but because they’re in a long-term (hetero- or homosexual) relationship, don’t ever see themselves acting on it. For those, it may feel a rather inconsequential part of their self-definition, and may see the subject being blown out of proportion, creating insecurity or trust issues that needn’t be there. However, in these cases it is well worth considering whether your relationship can indeed be healthy if you’re unable to reveal the whole truth about yourself, or to ask yourself if you’re comfortable being with a partner who has firm prejudices about something they don’t know you to be.
    A need-to-know basis might work for some, and could be the best solution for all involved. Others might only feel held back by secrecy, and unloading/sharing the information with trusted (and later more casual) friends can be a therapeutic exercise as well with the unburdening of secrets. I personally advocate complete honesty from the beginning, within the context of any sexual or romantic relationship, but others do prefer not to know all the details of issues they may wish to turn a blind eye to, and that too is a highly individual choice to make.

    By breaking down stereotypes and gaining recognition, gay and lesbian couples have demonstrated their capacity and desire for the “normal” life…having regular jobs, raising children, driving to soccer practice…In short, a facsimile of the traditional “nuclear” family. As many follow the model expected of hetero couples as closely as possible for a pair whose only deviancy from said model is that their genitals match, we have seen more and more acceptance of the gay lifestyle, and the perceived threat of dangerous and perverse queers is slowly being worn away, However, as the mimicking of hetero behaviour patterns allows the mainstream straight presence to see gays as “just like them”, this can seem in some ways to make the struggle for bi acceptance even more difficult.

    As in many other areas, the bisexual relationship is forced to question or challenge the social script that exists about acceptable/unacceptable relationship practices. Specifically, there is the polite fiction practiced by many couples; that potential attraction to a person who is not your spouse/significant other just doesn’t happen, and if it does then that is a sign of trouble in the relationship.

    While this is a broad generalization, we can see examples of how this constructed understanding is reinforced and performed; whether it is not allowing a partner to visit a strip club or partake in porn, judgmental attitudes towards your lover’s past, or even being upset if the partner’s eyes glance too long at a random attractive body, these reactions aren’t challenged, and are in many ways seen as inherently justified…even in your fantasies you should be faithful, it implies.

    However, revealing one’s bisexuality, particularly within an existing relationship does not allow for this fiction to flourish or in fact exist at all. Even at its most simple interpretation, bisexual identity is an acknowledgement and admission to (at least!) two potential sources of desire, capable of existing simultaneously within a single individual. While these factors may make the process seem daunting and barely worth the hassle, keep in mind those reasons that make you WANT to come out…think of all the fun you’re opening the doors to! In addition to gaining a sense of community, there’s the possibility of exploring new lovers, new relationships, new ways to experiment, and most importantly, yourself.

    Ultimately, the decision whether or not to come out and to what degree is intensely personal, and the variables that affect this decision cannot possibly be summed up across the board with any one sentence or a simple proclamation of DO IT or DON’T. I encourage you to listen to other people’s stories, issues, concerns, experiences and triumphs, considering which factors may be relevant to your own situation.

    (c) Copryight 2006 Stephanie Creede

    Stephanie Creede performs burlesque as Scarlet Sylphide, when she's not involved in photography (from both sides of the camera), music videos, rock concerts, art exhibitions and fashion shows.
    This was very informative. And it really captures a lot of what I would think is that no matter what gender you acknowledge as, is to take a moment and look at where you are in self and people and loved ones around you. And than maybe your conscience will help what makes us all happy. ☮

  11. #101

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Enjoyed the article... Will add some depth... I came out to my Wife of 30 years. Basically as having desire to suck cock. She handled it unbelievably well. Now we role play with her playing with my nipples and rubbing my balls while I masturbate. She is also telling me to go ahead and suck that cock and saying beautiful things. Problem is we have both presented hesitations of going further. Recently however, when I mentioned that I could only "do it" with her present. I guess as a "safety" measure for me. She indicated she would do it with me. Of course this has conjured thoughts of following through. The biggest hesitation is that I really love her deeply and would never want to risk being without her. Guess I'm curious about how many couples that have crossed the line, and lost their marital relationship. Meanwhile I'll dig the role play!

  12. #102

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Guess I'm curious about how many couples that have crossed the line, and lost their marital relationship.
    I see contradictions in this statement, but will answer from my perspective. It depends on how you meant 'crossed the line'...

    I have crossed the line in the sense that I have the expressed permission of my wonderful wife to explore my bisexuality. I tell her when I am meeting someone and/or intending to play. It's also understood that her comfort with this is of utmost importance, and I will not seek any additional experiences in the event that she ever has second thoughts or regrets. It can work, but it takes an exceptional amount of trust and and long term commitment to the happiness of two loving married partners.

    Of course, you may hear from others for whom it doesn't work out well, which is the second part of the issue...

    Best of luck with whichever direction you decide to go. May you have many years of happiness together.

  13. #103

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Quote Originally Posted by stillconfused View Post
    I can't believe I wrote that. I am sorry if I offended anyone by the line "I am bi, not truly gay" like being bi is somehow better than being gay. To tell you the truth I would rather be totally straight or totally gay, than bi. It would really simplify things. Sorry for my choice of words all.
    Although stillconfused had no intention of saying he was better because he's bi and not gay, that seems to be a very common thing. Many men are adamant that they're not gay - they just like cock. The common thing is "I'm not getting sex at home with my wife, so I'll go looking for a man" makes little sense. Why wouldn't you go looking for sex with men and women equally if you're bi? Straight men look for flings with women, gay men look for flings with men, but most bi men seem to be exclusively cheating with men - sometimes with couples, but it seems rare that they go looking for sex with women alone, and how many bi men who get divorced look for trysts with women? How long can pass without sex with the opposite sex before you can no longer wear the bi mantle? I was married twice in my 20s, have two kids and screwed many gorgeous women, but that was then. I've been with men exclusively since my 30s, so yes 100% gay. I have nothing in common with most in the gay lifestyle, I appear completely straight my friends are all the hyper-masculine type of man (I'd blow any one of them), but none of that makes me any less gay.

    I wonder if coming out as bi is easier or harder than coming out as gay. Since people think in terms of the sex act, they will forever look at you and picture you with a dick in your mouth or wonder "does he take it in the ass?"

    There is definitely a hierarchy, where by maintaining one foot (or toe) in the world of heterosexuality one can breathe a sigh of relief and say "at least I'm not one of them". I think the litmus test is - when you are alone with no one to explain anything to, watching porn, cruising Internet ads, jerking off, what are the fantasies you conjure up?

  14. #104

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    I remember a rather full on debate in this site years ago about Men that have sex with men and how wrong they were for not identifying as bi so they were clearly in denial of their sexuality.....
    My stance was it was more to do with they do not ID with the label that people were trying to assign to them.

    Labels are difficult in that they are actually outdated and simplistic, they do not take into consideration, people that are intersex and born with both genitalia or people that do not ID as male or female.... an example is I have a friend that is a fully developed intersex person that is actually listed as Gender X on their drivers license because biologically they are not strictly XX or XY chromosome which is the definition of male or female...
    Now I am in a open situation with them, a male and 2 females, correct term is pansexual but most people call it bisexual... and if I was only to have sex with my intersex female, it would still be regarded as heterosexual or homosexual, neither of which would correctly apply to that situation.....

    When I came out in the 80s, it was easier, bisexual was so simple or so I thought, it actually created a headache that I was not ready for, as well as the intolerance and discrimination within the LGBT community such as Bisexuals were not actually part of the lesbian and gay community, we were coat tail riders, free loaders etc, confused about our sexuality, not making up our minds......
    I have noticed a lot of people have the attitude of I am what I am, I ID as I ID, if you do not like it, we do not care, you either want sex or you don't.....

    What I have also noticed is that its talked about about how the heterosexual community, the reality for me, is its more about confusion as people can tend to have a understanding that there is lesbian, gay or straight, clear cut definitions and bisexual is more a blurry grey area....and now I see the same thing for us with bisexuals that love the erotic and sexual side of things and bisexuals that simply want cocks in their mouth or a mouth on their cock, nothing else

    For me, its the erotic, emotional, mental, passion that I love and crave more than the sexual act itself which for me is simply physical without the other stuff

    I can not say yes or no as to a question of is coming out easier or harder, its individual for each person as experiences vary....... and personally just being able to live my life without the conflict, arguments, having to tick the boxes in order to have an opinion, would be a lot easier for me.....
    The only thing more painful than a broken heart, is catching yourself in your zip and having very cold hands

  15. #105

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Here is another tips for you coming out as bisexual. I know it is difficult for people to come out of the closet, especially to parents and friends.

  16. #106

    To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual

    It seems to me that we automatically assume that Cirt is single-mindedly orienting all his edits to attacks on Scientology. But does he have some other preoccupations, like, you know, the sex thing? He seems to be really big on Dan Savage.

  17. #107

    Re: To Come Out or Not to Come Out as Bisexual?

    Okay I'm expecting a lot of backlash for this, but what the he'll, here I go. Over the last decade it has become more and more acceptable to come out gay or lesbian, and that's a good thing. It's also become chic for a woman to come out as bi. Most men, straight or bi, are turned on by this. Me being one. However, while the public may be more accepting of a bisexual man, prospective mates are not. Everyone has the right to be with who they want. Truth is, or at least from my experiences, women shy away from relationships with bi men. And i can understand why. In a relationship you want security and with a bisexual that security can be put in question. At least this has been my experience. I know more than a few women that have admitted to having sex with the same sex and recieved positive attention for it from both sexes. I don't know any men that have admitted to the same in social settings. I'm one of them, but I doubt I'm the only one. And I'm sure those other silent men are silent for the same reason I am. Prove me wrong, please. Cause I'd love to live in a world where I can be me.

 

 

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