Double standards?

[Skysapphire]

Last night, my male fiancé of 8yrs admitted to being bi.
I am a bi female, and have been openly bi to him from the start.
he has encouraged me and found it a turn on for me to be with other women occasionally.

Now I am all confused about him. I mean my feelings for him haven't changed. But he is such a "manly man" kinda tough guy, that imagining him with another man makes me feel odd.

he has admitted that he would like to get anal from a guy, and suck a guy off.
he claims to still be mainly straight and that his preference for women is much higher. That the desire is purely sexual.
he also says he can't imagine ever having/getting feelings for a guy.

my head feels a mess, why am I feeling like this? He has done nothing wrong.

[tenni]

Hi
I agree that you are experiencing a double standard and possibly biphobia. People have expectations about male sexual behaviour and even biwomen experience the phobia as witnessed by yourself.

It is good that you recognize your feelings. Since he has encouraged you to explore your sexual attraction towards women, I suspect that you will eventually reach a point of acceptance. Your perception about how a man should behave sexually will hopefully adapt.

[charles-smythe]

Last night, my male fiancé of 8yrs admitted to being bi.
I am a bi female, and have been openly bi to him from the start.
he has encouraged me and found it a turn on for me to be with other women occasionally.

Now I am all confused about him. I mean my feelings for him haven't changed. But he is such a "manly man" kinda tough guy, that imagining him with another man makes me feel odd.

he has admitted that he would like to get anal from a guy, and suck a guy off.
he claims to still be mainly straight and that his preference for women is much higher. That the desire is purely sexual.
he also says he can't imagine ever having/getting feelings for a guy.

my head feels a mess, why am I feeling like this? He has done nothing wrong.

…bi sexual women not being open to their husbands/boyfriends also being bi is a natural response…I have no idea why but bi women are the least accepting of bi men than any group…even straight guys are more accepting of us than bi women…

[Skysapphire]

Thanks both for your replies.
I really don't want to feel like this. I love him so much. I want to support and encourage him, and let him experience what he us missing out on, what I can't give him.
well, straight up, I will encourage him, for us to enjoy some mmf situations, but ones based towards his needs and desires.

he has always been sooooo highly sexed and appreciative of women. But looking back in it now, this has always been there, the hints were given by him. I feel he has been suppressing his need to tell me for a long time.
my response was full of questions and somewhat enthusiasm for him, but this morning....blah. I am sitting alone in my house feeling scared, stressed and worried. But can't put my finger on what I am worried about.

[tenni]

What are you worried about?

Good question. I am not sure but I think that I recall such fears as a fear of abandonment. I know that consciously may feel unrealistic but deep down you may fear that he will leave you for a man. Fear that you are not enough...well you should be able to grapple with that one as a bi woman but again these are fears. Fear is not based in reason sometimes.

I agree with Charles, some bi women have difficulty with accepting bisexual men. Some more so than heterosexual women. You do not seem to be in a rejecting mode but more fear.

I know that you are struggling but be aware that rejection of bisexual men in society is higher than gay men and bisexual women. He has been grappling with fear of rejection and his own masculinity issues. I sense that you are aware of how large this was for him to finally share with you.

[sysper]

it must of taken alot of courage to admit that to u, in fact it must of taken alot of courage to admit that to himself. on top of the usual homophobia the idea of a guy liking guys is not seen as very masculine in this society. i think he has had a big struggle to admit this. u2 are engaged, he has made a committment to u so i wouldn't question that just because he gets turned on by the gender different than urs. please go easy on him & know this is just a part of who he is but it's not gonna destroy ur relationship. also remember just like being bilingual helps in knowing a language, being bisexual helps in knowing how to please ur lover

[pole_smoker]

Don't make that huge of a deal of it. He's still the same person. This is why you should come out to whoever you're in a relationship with early on, instead of waiting, or just not telling.

He probably has already sucked a dick, or gotten fucked either before he met you, or cheated on you while he was in a 'relationship' with you.

[Melody Dean]

Your feelings are valid. Here is someone that you thought you knew better than anyone else in the world, and who you have opened up your heart and all the accompanying skeletons to, and now you've learned something that makes you realize he's not entirely the person you think he was. That doubt is okay. That fear is okay.

Only you can tell whether or not it's got anything to do with him actually being bi, or whether it's just that you now have to change your perspective of him. That conflict of emotions is understandable.

I have a friend (who has been a little more than that at one point) who is very masculine. The way he is with a woman sexually, he is a natural alpha. But, he has been with men before, and he was the one doing the sucking, and he wants to receive anal from a guy. His attraction to men and women are polar opposites, and his attraction to men is purely sexual. In fact, he isn't even attracted to the man, just the cock. I knew all of this before I was ever intimate with him, but it changed our experiences together none. He's still the most alpha male I've ever been with.

You really can have both, but yes, it'll probably take a little bit to wrap your mind around it.

[charles-smythe]

I have a friend (who has been a little more than that at one point) who is very masculine. The way he is with a woman sexually, he is a natural alpha. But, he has been with men before, and he was the one doing the sucking, and he wants to receive anal from a guy. His attraction to men and women are polar opposites, and his attraction to men is purely sexual. In fact, he isn't even attracted to the man, just the cock.

…this describes me to a T…

[elian]

I think it is perfectly natural when something changes that you might have doubts, it takes time to work through all of these issues. I am glad that you are both being honest and communicating with each other - that is great.

The stereotypical male thing is to always appear to be in control, we are always prepared, we always have an answer, and we will go above and beyond to do what it takes to support the ones we love.

When we can live up to that ideal it is wonderful, but no one human has the confidence and energy to do that -all- of the time. The idea of surrendering control to another strong (loving) male figure is very erotic to me - men who do the "right" thing because they want to, not because they feel obligated to - raise feelings of joy in me that are hard to describe. To surrender to someone else and simply to be loved for who I am, and not what I can do..

The other fun thing about people who do the sucking is you might think they are being submissive but who is really in control? Who is the one who is whimpering and moaning in pleasure?

[tenni]

Good points.
Some male bisexuals are as described : alpha male with women and sub with men. Not all bisexual men behave that way. I am alpha male with women and prefer to take the lead easily with other men. I'm a give and take kind of lover regardless of the gender but I do enjoy taking the lead...not always but most often. I also do not care to suck dick or receive anal. It sounds like your bi guy is more along the submissive bisexual male. Just sayn not all biguys are bottoms. His love making may not change. I tend to think that biguys become more total body lovers as they grown comfortable with their sexuality...but that is not uniform. Some guys only want to suck dick period...lol

[pole_smoker]

Good points.
Some male bisexuals are as described : alpha male with women and sub with men. Not all bisexual men behave that way. I am alpha male with women and prefer to take the lead easily with other men. I'm a give and take kind of lover regardless of the gender but I do enjoy taking the lead...not always but most often. I also do not care to suck dick or receive anal. It sounds like your bi guy is more along the submissive bisexual male. Just sayn not all biguys are bottoms. His love making may not change. I tend to think that biguys become more total body lovers as they grown comfortable with their sexuality...but that is not uniform. Some guys only want to suck dick period...lol

Tenni, an "alpha male"? LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He doesn't even know what the term means and only wishes he really was an alpha male when in reality he's not at all, and is nothing but a troll and a queen that hides in the closet, and he loves to be a married gay and bi man's booty call, cum dumpster, and side piece.

You don't "take the lead" during sex at all tenni, and you're not an LMAO!!!!!! "alpha male" during sex, or as part of your personality as you've frequently posted things that are completely contradictory to all of these things you're now claiming to be true about yourself. You're versatile for oral sex, don't mind sucking dick as long as you get your average cut dick sucked or 69, like to eat ass or rim a man's asshole, and have fucked at least one guy bareback. Oh yeah you also have STDs. Which should not surprise anyone. If you were really an "alpha male" you would not have so many issues with women and how you really do hate them, and your ex wife would not have divorced your ass and ran for the hills before she told you to get psychological help for your issues with how you hate women.

These are pics of Tenni, even though he'll deny it and lie about it as usual as he's a pathological liar.

No, Jim Riley, it isn't. Not editing that out either... hide some more?

[tenni]

Tenni, an "alpha male"? LMAO
"he's a pathological liar." etc.

violation of rule 2
Be polite. Flame the idea if you feel you must, but not the person.

Are you noticing Charles?

[pole_smoker]

Tenni, an "alpha male"? LMAO

violation of rule 2
Be polite. Flame the idea if you feel you must, but not the person.

Are you noticing Charles?

I'm not "flaming" you at all drama queen. I'm simply pointing out the facts, and truth about you.

[tenni]

post 14 another violation of rule 2
Write about the topic and the OP.

[kikigrace]

Hi Skysapphire...I don't know if you saw my post several days ago, but although my situation is not the same, there are some similarities. In my case I knew my husband (of 15 years) was bisexual, but only a couple weeks ago he told me he didn't think he could keep trying to be monogamous, or that if he did, he wouldn't really be happy. I guess the similarity is that all of the sudden there is a "game-changer" in the relationship. For a couple weeks I felt an intense need to figure out and understand both of our feelings. It got pretty stressful. I spent some nights up, crying and trying to sort things out. I guess what I would say to you is "hang in there". Our emotions don't always make sense...sometimes we have "double standards" that our minds tell us are wrong, but we feel them anyway! As long as you are being kind to him, and to yourself, things will start to make sense. My husband and I haven't worked things through yet, but I have calmed down. We still love each other. I may never really know why I get so jealous, and he tends not to, and why different things make us feel uncomfortable or not, but I think if we keep breathing, keep talking, and keeping loving each other (and realizing how valuable that is) it will work out. So I hope the same for you, and I am also glad he shared this before you got married...that shows trust and integrity, so it sounds like a good start to me!

[pole_smoker]

post 14 another violation of rule 2
Write about the topic and the OP.

Who made you a moderator/hall monitor? LOL

Skysapphire don't be surprised if your man sucked more than a few men off or got dicked up the ass before he met you, or while in a relationship with you. Or if he sucked or got fucked by shemales while in a relationship with you.

[jem_is_bi]

Who made you a moderator/hall monitor? LOL

Skysapphire don't be surprised if your man sucked more than a few men off or got dicked up the ass before he met you, or while in a relationship with you. Or if he sucked or got fucked by shemales while in a relationship with you.

Your into posting pictures lately. Which one is you?

[Skysapphire]

Thank you so so much for the replies. And thank you for your understanding. Melody Dean, you get me totally.
after more talk together, I have come to realise he is still the same guy he was last week. He is still Inlove with ME, he still wants to be with ME.
Being bisexual does not mean you cannot be monogamous. It does not mean you HAVE to have both. It can remain in fantasy like any sexual desire that does not arouse both parties.
I am in no way going to stop him incorporating another male into our sex lives occasionally. I love him and I am willing to try. Who knows, I might end up finding it a huge turn on!

As as for your comments Pole Smoker, they only reflect the kinda person you are, and the lack of moral substance you have for those you love.
I can say without a doubt, that my partner has not, and will never cheat upon me. We are a dedicated committed couple who love each other very much. We have a great sex life and we neither need or have time to look elsewhere.
What he did before I came along is his business.....but! He happened to have told me. I know about his previous sexual encounters and him having a very close gay friend who has touched him and played with him a little. But no, he hasn't sucked dick..taken dick in the butt or other that he hasn't told me about. And you know what? I believe him. He has had 8 years proving his loyalty to me and building up trust. He has not once let me down, and I am a women, women are frickin devious and stalkerish when we wanna be. I have nothing on him bad. So please down try to bring such negativity onto him.

The he only reason I didn't know about the depth of these desires/fantasies before, is because he has struggled with them in his own head. Feared the "gay" label. He is still my man, and in am still his girl. And the trust remains for his monogamy to me unless we choose as a couple to take this in another direction.

Pole Smoker I feel sorry for your bitterness and need to assume that everyone is just a lying ass with lack of morals or fidelity like you must be.

[pole_smoker]

Thank you so so much for the replies. And thank you for your understanding. Melody Dean, you get me totally.
after more talk together, I have come to realise he is still the same guy he was last week. He is still Inlove with ME, he still wants to be with ME.
Being bisexual does not mean you cannot be monogamous. It does not mean you HAVE to have both. It can remain in fantasy like any sexual desire that does not arouse both parties.
I am in no way going to stop him incorporating another male into our sex lives occasionally. I love him and I am willing to try. Who knows, I might end up finding it a huge turn on!

As as for your comments Pole Smoker, they only reflect the kinda person you are, and the lack of moral substance you have for those you love.
I can say without a doubt, that my partner has not, and will never cheat upon me. We are a dedicated committed couple who love each other very much. We have a great sex life and we neither need or have time to look elsewhere.
What he did before I came along is his business.....but! He happened to have told me. I know about his previous sexual encounters and him having a very close gay friend who has touched him and played with him a little. But no, he hasn't sucked dick..taken dick in the butt or other that he hasn't told me about. And you know what? I believe him. He has had 8 years proving his loyalty to me and building up trust. He has not once let me down, and I am a women, women are frickin devious and stalkerish when we wanna be. I have nothing on him bad. So please down try to bring such negativity onto him.

The he only reason I didn't know about the depth of these desires/fantasies before, is because he has struggled with them in his own head. Feared the "gay" label. He is still my man, and in am still his girl. And the trust remains for his monogamy to me unless we choose as a couple to take this in another direction.

Pole Smoker I feel sorry for your bitterness and need to assume that everyone is just a lying ass with lack of morals or fidelity like you must be.

Then you're a complete fool if you believe him, and what he claims.

He has had sex with a guy. Don't be surprised if during the short time you've been together he got bored of having sex with you and found a guy to suck off or get fucked by; but just kept it a secret from you, and won't ever tell you this.

If you want to drive each other apart, open him up to cheating even more and turn a blind eye to his cheating like you probably have, and ruin your relationship then by all means attempt an open relationship or open marriage with a revolving door for your bedroom, and a take a number dispenser.

You don't even know me, or the people who I love, and the large number of people who love me for who I am.

[secretasianman]

I can picture myself as your husband, Skysapphire. I absolutely love everything about the female form, and I am absolutely an athletic/masculine guy. I am dominant with other women, but I am a submissive bottom with other men. I'm not attracted by the male form, but do I love a good looking cock! A guy with a nice body also really helps.

Anyways, you have to realize that no matter who you are, there are going to be other people that are the same gender as you that are going to be more attractive than you are. Your husband hasn't had sex with them, right? So it's not an attraction thing.

It's a mental thing. When I'm with a guy, even though I'm probably more masculine than them, and could easily beat them up, I take on the submissive bottom role because I want to be a woman when I'm with another man. That's just me. That's why it's so tough to be bisexual, because each bisexual can be really different in their sexual preferences.

If I had a sex change and was 100% female, I'd still be the same way. I'd prefer women and relationships with one, probably be the more dominant one, but would be a total slut with men because of the cock and what makes me feel like a woman is having sex with a man.

The perfect sexual female partner for me? Someone I could be dominant with (I really like anal, but most women don't), and someone that could be dominant with me (putting on a strapon and fucking me hard in the ass and mouth, pulling my hair, and forcing me to rim her ass).

The reality is, there's no woman out there like that, and if there are, they are really rare and hard as fuck to find.

Anyways, it is a double standard that he would allow you to have sex with other woman, but you wouldn't allow him to have sex with other men. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you incompatible with his needs/wants, that's all. It's something you'll have to work out on your own, or together.

[Skysapphire]

Pole Smoker, you are such a hypocrite! You claim to know about me and him, and are totally clueless bout who you speak of, and then you WHINE about me not being able to pass judgement on you because I don't know you! LOL

It seems you are projecting, you seem to be a lying, backstabbing, cheating, weak willed individual, and you want to believe everybody is the same as you. And more mistaken you couldn't be!

There certainly is somebody being a fool in this conversation, and it most certainly isnt me. Your opinion is worthless. If you want continue to share it, feel free, and continue to prove what a joke you are. I seriously read what you said and couldnt help but chuckle to myself at the absurdity of it. I really do feel sorry for you that you have to deal with such horrible realtionships in your life that have left you feeling so bitter and twisted.

I wish you the very best in your future relationships, and I hope you find someone who treats you right, and someone you care enough about to treat right in return. Then you will truely be happy, and not find the need to troll bulletin boards, living your sad, pathetic life through other people to help dampen your own unhappiness and insecurity.
Good people are out there and do exist, you....are not one of them, I am sorry for that.

[Skysapphire]

I do think Secretasianman, that you will find this perfect person for you, someday. There are lots of accepting females out there, and I would hope that there are sites where you would have the opportunity to find one, if that is what you are looking for

I think there is nothing wrong with what you want, and I have actually known a guy who was exactly like you! He was a friend, not a lover, but we spoke in depth about this same situation, and was in the same conundrum you are.

I think the more sexually open and aware you are, the harder it is to find likeminded people who are decent. There are so many close minded, sexually repressed people out there who are scared of lookng outside what is the *norm*.

[Melody Dean]

The perfect sexual female partner for me? Someone I could be dominant with (I really like anal, but most women don't), and someone that could be dominant with me (putting on a strapon and fucking me hard in the ass and mouth, pulling my hair, and forcing me to rim her ass).

The reality is, there's no woman out there like that, and if there are, they are really rare and hard as fuck to find.

*raises hand* Not that I'm offering, but us girls like that are out there.

[pole_smoker]

Pole Smoker, you are such a hypocrite! You claim to know about me and him, and are totally clueless bout who you speak of, and then you WHINE about me not being able to pass judgement on you because I don't know you! LOL

It seems you are projecting, you seem to be a lying, backstabbing, cheating, weak willed individual, and you want to believe everybody is the same as you. And more mistaken you couldn't be!

There certainly is somebody being a fool in this conversation, and it most certainly isnt me. Your opinion is worthless. If you want continue to share it, feel free, and continue to prove what a joke you are. I seriously read what you said and couldnt help but chuckle to myself at the absurdity of it. I really do feel sorry for you that you have to deal with such horrible realtionships in your life that have left you feeling so bitter and twisted.

I wish you the very best in your future relationships, and I hope you find someone who treats you right, and someone you care enough about to treat right in return. Then you will truely be happy, and not find the need to troll bulletin boards, living your sad, pathetic life through other people to help dampen your own unhappiness and insecurity.
Good people are out there and do exist, you....are not one of them, I am sorry for that.

Nope I'm not projecting jack shit. I'm actually laughing and shaking my head at how naive, foolish, and ignorant you are.

I've just seen a lot of people get into open relationships, and none of them have ever worked out in the long run as they're not good relationship models and many people who get into them or insist upon getting into them are toxic people. If your man really has not cheated on you yet with a guy when he got tired of fucking cunt, and getting bad blowjobs since the majority of women aren't nearly as good at sucking cock like a man is...he will in the future.

If you knew anything about me you would know that I've been in a long-term partnership for awhile, we're actually monogamous, and I'm not a troll as I'm a good person. But keep assuming and trolling it's funny.

[cuttin2dachase]

It's great to able to read through all the site threads now and see the words "This message is hidden because pole_smoker is on your ignore list" multiple times. Ignore-ance is truly bliss where he's concerned LOL All his posts say "Some Kind of Super Member" above them. Appropriate, since 'member' is another way of saying 'dick' LOL I suggest everyone who finds him an offensive, deluded sociopath do the same as I did and not waste time reading his vitriol and bandying words with him. That would leave only 2 maybe 3 people to give him voice here on the site. It's quite simple...just click 'Control Panel' at the top right of the homepage, then scroll down the left side to 'My Account', then click 'Edit Ignore List', enter his handle (don't forget the underscore) and click to save it. As an added bonus, all of the idiotic threads he created in the forum will magically disappear from your list of threads.

[jem_is_bi]

It's great to able to read through all the site threads now and see the words "This message is hidden because pole_smoker is on your ignore list" multiple times. Ignore-ance is truly bliss where he's concerned LOL All his posts say "Some Kind of Super Member" above them. Appropriate, since 'member' is another way of saying 'dick' LOL I suggest everyone who finds him an offensive, deluded sociopath do the same as I did and not waste time reading his vitriol and bandying words with him. That would leave only 2 maybe 3 people to give him voice here on the site. It's quite simple...just click 'Control Panel' at the top right of the homepage, then scroll down the left side to 'My Account', then click 'Edit Ignore List', enter his handle (don't forget the underscore) and click to save it. As an added bonus, all of the idiotic threads he created in the forum will magically disappear from your list of threads.

Putting him on ignore is tempting. He just has way too much free time and uses it to spam the site with so much that it drowns out much of what others post. Then, on threads he does not author, he very often finds cause to insult others for real or more often imagined transgressions.He is crude and vulgar which is ok and even fun in moderation.But, moderation is not a word he is familiar with.Again, he has way too much free time and spends way too much of it posting here.

However, I have nobody on my ignore list and prefer to keep it that way.

[rabbit16]

It's great to able to read through all the site threads now and see the words "This message is hidden because pole_smoker is on your ignore list" multiple times. Ignore-ance is truly bliss where he's concerned LOL All his posts say "Some Kind of Super Member" above them. Appropriate, since 'member' is another way of saying 'dick' LOL I suggest everyone who finds him an offensive, deluded sociopath do the same as I did and not waste time reading his vitriol and bandying words with him. That would leave only 2 maybe 3 people to give him voice here on the site. It's quite simple...just click 'Control Panel' at the top right of the homepage, then scroll down the left side to 'My Account', then click 'Edit Ignore List', enter his handle (don't forget the underscore) and click to save it. As an added bonus, all of the idiotic threads he created in the forum will magically disappear from your list of threads.

Agreed!!

[Realist]

The trouble with your comments Cuttin and Jem, is, you've allowed the focus to be diverted and taken away from Skysapphire's thread and given the troll one more little victory, by disrupting her quest for answers and/or suggestions.

I've done the same thing and, a while back, Peg brought my attention the fact that by doing that, continuity of the original poster's thread was lost.

Having said that, I totally agree with your statements..........but hope you can see the issue is, taking away from Sky and adding to the agitator's power.

I have a comment for Skysapphire:

We often have idiosyncrasies that cause us not to be totally compatible with our partners. People have different standards and quirks, that may not be conducive with the harmony of our relationships. But, what I see as one very important aspect of your marriage is, you genuinely love each other and want to grow in understanding and tolerance. I see that you are struggling, some, but most importantly the love and desire for each other hasn't been diminished.

Through good communication and intelligent sharing of your deepest thoughts, then, an agreement, adjustment, and settlement, can be had. The important aspects are in place. (love, open disclosure, desire for mutually rewarding experiences, and the fact that you both are bisexual) Double standards are not good at this juncture!

BUT, I don't see any insurmountable obstacles, here. Yes, you've got some jealousy issues to deal with and maybe hubby can work on his communication skills, some, but you've both got a lot going for you.

So, observing and listening from a distance, I feel confidant that you two will survive this and move on to better and more interesting things.

I hope so, anyway. Good luck!

[Browne]

Last night, my male fiancé of 8yrs admitted to being bi.
I am a bi female, and have been openly bi to him from the start.
he has encouraged me and found it a turn on for me to be with other women occasionally.

Now I am all confused about him. I mean my feelings for him haven't changed. But he is such a "manly man" kinda tough guy, that imagining him with another man makes me feel odd.

he has admitted that he would like to get anal from a guy, and suck a guy off.
he claims to still be mainly straight and that his preference for women is much higher. That the desire is purely sexual.
he also says he can't imagine ever having/getting feelings for a guy.

my head feels a mess, why am I feeling like this? He has done nothing wrong.

Just goes to show that life is a process of getting to know, especially when relationships are concerned.

A man married to a woman for 30 years says "I know my wife".

Another man married to a woman for 30 years says "I'm getting to know my wife."

One of those relationships is most likely a thriving relationship, while to other one is most likely an all but dead relationship.

Whatever is causing your head to feel like a "mess" (most likely societally induced bs anyways is my guess), that feeling should be well offset by your fiancé's willingness to open up that part of his intimacy to you.


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