It's been about half a year ever since I stopped seeing my boss, it was a bad position to be in and deep down we knew it wasn't going to work out, despite how much we tried with each other, deep down he knew and I knew that we weren't supposed to be together, he was married with 2 kids and more grandkids, he owned the restaurant so being with me would mean he would of had to give up on his wife, she can't support herself as she's at an old age.
Basically we developed a love hate relationship because we were both angry at each other that we couldn't be together, one minute he was slapping me friendly on the face playfully and the next minute he would shout at me, I hated him for it. Listening to him talk about his grandkids and his kids in front of me as well as leaving me alone on christmas I developed that kind of really strong hate for him, I just wanted to hurt him so bad, whenever he put me on a downer I just ignored him and upset him from not getting my attention, I kind of enjoyed hurting him, so did he enjoy hurting me. He was bisexual also so he would kind of slightly flirt with women, I don't think he felt romantic with any of them though, but he done many things that enraged me like he could cuddle the woman but when I asked him he wouldn't as he was deeply in the closet, the Greek men have traditional "values" of not being gay.
I developed really deep romantic love with the guy despite not being with him, I was really quite passionate about him, the love hate relationship was so intense but it eventually came to an end, we weren't together and that's why I still feel torn, even 6 months after I haven't met anyone like him to give me the same feeling he did.
I'm seeing a guy at the moment, I do like him but I don't have that same strong romantic feeling that I did with my boss, I kind of don't know what to expect and don't know if this is right for me, the guy is cute but not comparable to my boss, he gave me that strong feeling of love and hate at the same time, I sleep alone in my bed imagining that he's behind me, I'm upset but I kind of enjoy the feeling of being upset, it's weird but I kind of just like really strong feelings, I enjoy the pain, because neutral feelings just bore me, I'm hurt still but I just enjoy slightly being heartbroken, or maybe I'm completely confused because I want that feeling back when I used to see him everyday, I just want to cuddle but he's not seeing me anymore.
I told myself that I had to move on but every now and then I think about him, and feel tempted to actually call him back and just tell him I love him still, but I know that we're never going to be together so I don't, I just wish he was in the position to move on from his wife, he flirted with me in the first place and I'm angered with him that he's trying anything on when later down the line I'm disappointed that we're not together, it just makes me think "Why bother even touching me or flirting if you know you can't have me?" he carried on though, I tried to slowly get him out of the closet, I think he was starting to come out but I just moved on, I got tired of him.
So now I'm kind of confused whether or not I'm actually feeling true love with someone, I haven't experienced love without hate so I don't know what I'm supposed to feel in a relationship, I want him back, he was the ideal man, it wasn't just his face that was handsome but I just had this kind of deep romantic feeling, he was like a soul mate, a father that I never had and a boyfriend all in one.
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