Aching! Need advice

[Redfox]

I have a friend I work with. A twenty something male. I'm not sure of his sexuality, meaning he doesn't talk much about women or men for that matter. The point is this guy turns me on! I have moments when I want to just tell him but I'm terrified! I really need help and advice here because when I'm around this guy I just want to attack him. I happen to be married and she has absolutely no idea of my bisexuality. I really like women but I like a certain type of man too. I hope this isn't coming off as stupid but this guy is probably very well hung (tall and big feet lol). I am desperate here. I just don't want to jeopardize him or myself for that matter. Can anybody help me?

[Realist]

Well, Red, there's some old advice that you shouldn't have sex where you work, BUT.........I'm not here to give you advice. I will tell you how I handled a similar situation.

I felt as you do about a neighbor. He was a very nice, open-minded guy, calm, considerate, and I wanted to possibly develop a relationship. I didn't know him well, but began finding reasons to talk to him, over the fence and found out he had some mutual interests, one of which was fishing. While floating around, fishing, I began bring up subjects like, a news article about about an LGBT survey. He'd readily discuss any subject and I found out he'd actually had feelings for a few males while growing up, but had never acted on them.

I then admitted that I was bisexual and had been most of my life. He took the news well and even began to ask me about things I had experienced. Soon, we were intimate and we spent a couple of years in a very rewarding, mutually gratifying relationship.

Having said that, I have tried the same thing, at another time, and learned the person had absolutely no interest in being in a same-gender relationship. He was adamant that it was wrong and didn't even want to discuss the subject. So, I backed off that venture and we remained friends. He only thought I was curious and wanted to discuss something I read.

So, things can go either way. If you find out, for sure, he feels like the latter case, it's best to not press the issue and move on.

Good luck!

[Visexual]

Just start saying things to him like, “you don’t talk about people (notice I didn’t say female or male) you date.I can’t imagine you not having people come on to you though.

[void()]

I read good advice posted from the two others posting here. Though let me give mild warning from experience. Grew up with a friend who did not know. He did not know because of my lack of dropping subtle hints, I had dropped all kinds of subtle hints all our lives. We grew up so close as friends we considered one another brothers. How he did not know still puzzles me at times.

Met his first wife, she knew within five minutes of meeting me, "something different". In another five she had the "difference" figured out. She and I got along really well. We would mockingly flirt in front of him. Neither she nor I genuinely had any desire for anything. We were simply being good humored, friendly, enjoying life's quirks. Finally, I broke one day and directly told him. He was stunned, nearly had to pick him up off the forest floor.

She looked at him, laughed. "Gosh, you've known him all your life and not known? Wow, I can see why he might not think you're a friend. I met him and knew in five to ten minutes. Damn", she told him.

The point being some folks are genuinely denser than tar coated bricks. They will not catch on even if you lob a brick through the picture window. Be sure to scrawl a note on a paper wrapping the brick. And be careful. If there is resistance, "these are not the droids you're looking for ...".

[Ja&Ve]

Do you have an open relationship? No? Then don't cheat. Pure and simple. And especially with someone from work. If it goes south, and said attraction gets mad for whatever reason, if your wife didn't know you were bi before she certainly will now.

My advice? Buy a butt plug, take that sexual tension, give your wife the shagging of her life and fantasize like crazy.

[cbb83]

I'd be wary of pursuing a relationship with a co-worker. On an only somewhat related note - you should tell your wife. A marriage without full disclosure is more or less a lie

[pole_smoker]

I'd be wary of pursuing a relationship with a co-worker. On an only somewhat related note - you should tell your wife. A marriage without full disclosure is more or less a lie

Agreed, at least tell your wife. Don't pursue anything with someone who you work with.

[tenni]

Hi Red
I see several issues in your situation and most have been pointed out..
1/ work friend and any friendship
2/ disclosure


As others have pointed out work friendships are delicate and this may be especially true about intimate situations. You don't want him endangering your job or job comfort. Sometimes, it is best not to eat cookies in bed..or at work.


Like Realist suggested, just let him know an idea or two that you have posted. ie “I’m completely into women but on rare occasions I find a guy a bit attractive. It kind of makes me wonder if I’m the only guy who thinks this.”

You haven’t disclosed that he is a guy that turns you on…yet. Hopefully, he accepts it confidentially…maybe over a drink or two after work. Keep it brief and casual.

2/ Disclosure period can be difficult for bi guys and your sexuality gets all mixed up with your self esteem and masculinity concepts. I get the impression that this is not the first guy that you have found attractive and possibly not the first guy that you dropped the laundry with…lol?


It is completely your decision as to what you disclose to your wife. You know her. We do not. Just a thought that similar, very casual disclosure might be dropped with your wife without details and as casually as you can. No admittance..just a brief thought that has come in to your mind. If she ignores you, fine. If she asks you about specifics, keep it vague as you feel necessary. You could even ask her if she has ever found a woman attractive.

Good luck. Maybe, you will get luck with both situations. I still think that the work disclosure is the most dangerous.

[cbb83]

I don't understand that whole concept. If you're keeping a secret from your significant other that stands a good chance of destroying your relationship - then your entire relationship is an empty lie. To continue such a relationship is the absolute height of cowardice and selfishness. I'm generally a very open minded person, but I'm sorry, any other interpretation of deception to maintain a personal relationship is just flat out morally wrong on a black and white good and evil sort of scale. There's no shades of grey on this one.

That said, it's each individual's call... but beware the cost to both yourself and your significant other. Keeping such deceptions alive are hurting you both.

[pole_smoker]

I don't understand that whole concept. If you're keeping a secret from your significant other that stands a good chance of destroying your relationship - then your entire relationship is an empty lie. To continue such a relationship is the absolute height of cowardice and selfishness. I'm generally a very open minded person, but I'm sorry, any other interpretation of deception to maintain a personal relationship is just flat out morally wrong on a black and white good and evil sort of scale. There's no shades of grey on this one.

That said, it's each individual's call... but beware the cost to both yourself and your significant other. Keeping such deceptions alive are hurting you both.

Just ignore the post above you, it's written by someone who thinks it's OK, excusable, and acceptable for bisexual men to cheat on their partner because of society, "monosexuals", or other nonsense. The person has no morals, low standards, and does not speak for bisexuals or bisexual men as a whole.

[tenni]

cbb and broken stick

My morals are fine. I am not a monogamous person though at the present time.
I agree that secrets are not always a good thing. Sometimes, we each hold secrets deep inside ourselves. The concept that you share everything with one person is flawed. This frequently shows up when the relationship ends and you have no one else in your life. This seems more common for men than women.

Unfortunately monosexuals like broken stick (oh yes he is as gay as a three dollar bill in denial) make strong negative judgment statements about those who do not live by the same values. I would prefer to see such people come in to the real world. It is sad that some bisexuals judge other bisexuals who can not for a variety of reasons live like them. The worse sin is judging other bisexuals for their choices. There is a core group of judgmental people on this site. They are probably like Christian fundamentalist preachers when it come to judging but not being willing to be judged...

[void()]

Agreed, at least tell your wife. Don't pursue anything with someone who you work with.

Did not catch that. Duh. Looks like I pulled a blockhead myself. *chuckles*

I agree to not cheating. Ultimately, this is up to each person. They need to ask themselves if it is really love, if they cannot trust another person. That applies both ways, as one thinking of cheating and one suspecting a loved one of cheating. Is it really love if there is no honesty, communication? Ask yourself and talk with the person in the mirror about it. If you can square it by them more power to you. But please do not think I will help you cheat, at least not knowingly. Okay, my sermon is over. Hopefully, it is not seen as too judgmental.

Also agree that relationships with co-workers is generally not a wise idea. Things go South, things go further South, enough said. Personal and professional need to be apart for a lot of sound reasons. That is not saying you cannot make a profession out of doing what you love. It is saying to use common sense in regards to inter-personal relationships and working environs. Often these fail to find equilibrium and cause trouble in one or both areas. Again, not donning any robes here, merely expressing a plea to use common sense.

[tenni]

" Ultimately, this is up to each person."

EXACTLY!

additional


some believe sucking dick is immoral

some believe that taking a dick up your anus is immoral

some believe that cross dressing for a man is immoral (women do it all the time with no moral judgement)

Chaque on sont gout.

[void()]

cbb and broken stick

My morals are fine. I am not a monogamous person though at the present time.
I agree that secrets are not always a good thing. Sometimes, we each hold secrets deep inside ourselves. The concept that you share everything with one person is flawed. This frequently shows up when the relationship ends and you have no one else in your life. This seems more common for men than women.

Unfortunately monosexuals like broken stick (oh yes he is as gay as a three dollar bill in denial) make strong negative judgment statements about those who do not live by the same values. I would prefer to see such people come in to the real world. It is sad that some bisexuals judge other bisexuals who can not for a variety of reasons live like them. The worse sin is judging other bisexuals for their choices. There is a core group of judgmental people on this site. They are probably like Christian fundamentalist preachers when it come to judging but not being willing to be judged...

Tenni,

I do have you on ignore. Yes, I choose at times to read your posts. I do so at times in order to merely check in on you.

This is also my choice in being compassionate, empathetic. I have a genuine concern for you as another human being. It helps me retain a sense of tranquility knowing you're alright.

I have you ignore because you continue expressing what I perceive as a militant opinion. You seem to incite conflict merely for the sake of conflict. This last post of yours to me portrays you still do post such posts.

I disagree with your ideas. I may not fully disagree with what you express here. I do disagree with how you express it, and your continued expressing it. Your ideas and opinions betray your actions. You act aggressive in order to assert your ideas, opinions.

The worse sin is judging other bisexuals for their choices.

I can agree with you on this until you stick a label into the mix. The worst sin, I feel, think, opine is to judge any human being for their choice/s. This is all inclusive, every human being, even the really sick pups what are serial killers. My belief is that of Satire, he was an existentialist. "Life is absurd then, we die."

I also like a bit of thought by Frederick S. Perce, he posits a Gestalt view of the world.

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations.
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you and I am I.
And if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.

So, I am diligent or, have made efforts in recent years to mature and be diligent to not judge other human beings.

Who am I to be a judge? Nobody.

But you continue suggesting there is some malicious group on the site, out to judge you. Maybe there is. Maybe there is not.

Maybe these people are like you, posting their own opinions. What harm lies in that? Do their opinions cause you to not work? Do their opinions create laws in your locality? Do their opinions tie you up and hold you at gun point?

I ask these seemingly silly questions to prove a few points.

1. Opinions, bah, everyone has one or more. Normally an opinion is worthless. It is simply a subjective expression about a subjective situation. I see, I feel, I think ... Yes, so what? Got evidence?

2. Some enjoy drama. "He said blah, and it's blah ... why I ought to ... blah, blah, blah, blah ..." A thief can only steal from you once, unless you allow him to continue robbing you of joy. Anger is the worst poison the world has known. Why let anyone have that power over you? Why be angry at them, and remain so?

3. Pot to kettle?

They are probably like Christian fundamentalist preachers when it come to judging but not being willing to be judged...

How easy it is to accuse yet do the same thing you accuse other people of doing.

At times you have me in stitches. I laugh so hard at your seeming irony. Not sure if you intend it or not. Do not think it matters. It is enough to see you post, to see you're the same old tenni. Well, excuse me. Need to go live.

[tenni]

Putting someone on block is a good way of warning yourself that you tend not to agree with that poster. It is your choice whether you break your own block or not.

[pole_smoker]

cbb and broken stick

My morals are fine. I am not a monogamous person though at the present time.
I agree that secrets are not always a good thing. Sometimes, we each hold secrets deep inside ourselves. The concept that you share everything with one person is flawed. This frequently shows up when the relationship ends and you have no one else in your life. This seems more common for men than women.

Unfortunately monosexuals like broken stick (oh yes he is as gay as a three dollar bill in denial) make strong negative judgment statements about those who do not live by the same values. I would prefer to see such people come in to the real world. It is sad that some bisexuals judge other bisexuals who can not for a variety of reasons live like them. The worse sin is judging other bisexuals for their choices. There is a core group of judgmental people on this site. They are probably like Christian fundamentalist preachers when it come to judging but not being willing to be judged...

Nope I'm not "monosexual" or gay. I have nothing against gay men but I happen not to be one since I'm bisexual, and so is my partner. Yes, you're very judgmental and falsely claim how monosexuals are to blame for biphobia and bisexual erasure, or for bisexual men cheating on their wives , and yet you yourself practice bisexual erasure just like you did now by claiming that I'm not bisexual and I have to be gay simply because I don't agree with any of the professional victim "poor me!" BS you post, and how you yourself live completely in a world of theory and in the real world you're deeply closeted except to your fuck buddies or trick of the day you meet online.

[tenni]

Rule 2 Be polite. Flame the idea if you feel you must but not the person.

Sorry I may have crossed that line. Still, evidence remains. Some circular logic is used and some out right denial of instability.

Redfox
Have you made any decisions yet?
I notice that you joined Jan. 28 and your last post was Jan. 29.

[pole_smoker]

Rule 2 Be polite. Flame the idea if you feel you must but not the person.

Sorry I may have crossed that line. Still, evidence remains. Some circular logic is used and some out right denial of instability.

.

Yes, and the circular logic, and outright denial of instability aren't coming from me; but from someone who likes to bully/harass other people, makes assumptions about people who they don't even know, and who loves to hijack threads to push their own personal issues with "monosexuals" and how they're completely to blame for biphobia and bisexual erasure.

Given how this certain person really does not like "monosexuals" or gay men it would not be surprising if they are actually the one that's gay and in denial.

No, it's not violating rule #2 to post this since it is factual, and it's not flaming anyone.

[void()]

Putting someone on block is a good way of warning yourself that you tend not to agree with that poster. It is your choice whether you break your own block or not.

Gee. Seems I said as much in posting to you here. Yes, I disagree with your seeming militant attitude, opinions. I choose at times, as I stated, to view your posts despite my own blocking of you. I am willing to admit being human. While your attitude and expression of your opinions may seem militant to me, they in fact may not be. I choose to ignore you in large doses due to these perceptions. I do not choose to ignore you as a person on wholesale, merely your repeated expression of your opinions that appear militant, condescending to me. Thought I expressed as much clearly, if not there it is now.

Not judging you as a person. I am judging your ideas, or opinions. Not judging them simply because they are yours, as much as judging how they are expressed, or seem to be expressed. I step back, read, reread and then try putting myself in the other person's point of view. "Why would I say this if I was __?" "What could make me say __ as ___?"

I try understanding what is posted, communicated. At times I can, other times it's next to improbable. Each time you post, it seems you're engaging, just waiting to rip another person down. Got tired of seeing that and not understanding why. I asked, got no response. So, I ignore your posts mostly but do choose to check in at times. As I said, I'm not ignoring you as a person. I'm trying to ignore that each time you post it seems as though you scatter minefields against everyone else. Who knows, maybe we can one day dance?

[elian]

Unrequited love sucks, I was very unhappy with myself growing up because I felt like I could not risk telling half the people I had feelings for that I loved them. As others have said, getting involved at work can be a mistake...so if it's a really good job, or you are in a subordinate position to this person I would avoid it.

It's funny, sometimes your eyes will say more, even if your lips aren't moving.

I don't know what to say, but if you have these feelings regularly it might be worth trying to find a way to slowly introduce your wife to the idea. Hard to say without knowing the whole life history of both of you. I hope she understands.

Some guys are happy being a bit more submissive to the wife, some really want the guy..

[cbb83]

My post had less to do with monogamy and more to do with simple trust, Tenni. Lying to your partner(s) to maintain a relationship is wrong. I don't give a hoot if someone is polyamorous or what - if they're honest about it and not deceiving their partners. If you're keeping a secret that has the power to destroy your relationship - you have no foundation to your relationship that's worth mentioning. That's what I was warning against.

[tenni]

CBB
I agree that trust is a better factor to honour than monogamy. If it is within your value system to disclose your interest in having same sex activity then you should follow your morality.

However, we see over and over again, that bisexuals dread disclosing their desires. There is not enough trust that the partner will not reject them. Their partner will not disclose their sexuality to others. Their partner will not condemn. This list goes on. So, there really is not trust their to begin with is there? Is it only the bisexual's fault that trust doesn't exist? The relationship is damaged. There was a poor foundation even before same sex play comes to the relationship.

I agree that it is complicated. Even acting on same sex desires, requires immense need or desire to overcome the taboo. Trust is not there to share their desire. The partner has given off clues of rejection in the bisexual’ s mind. Sometimes, the fear is not supported and the partner or in this case also the co worker will not shame, condemn, expose the biguy.

As bisexuals and the odd monosexual, let’s just not condemn any poor sap who finds himself in this struggle of identity. You are just a turd to do so.

[pole_smoker]

CBB
I agree that trust is a better factor to honour than monogamy. If it is within your value system to disclose your interest in having same sex activity then you should follow your morality.

However, we see over and over again, that bisexuals dread disclosing their desires. There is not enough trust that the partner will not reject them. Their partner will not disclose their sexuality to others. Their partner will not condemn. This list goes on. So, there really is not trust their to begin with is there? Is it only the bisexual's fault that trust doesn't exist? The relationship is damaged. There was a poor foundation even before same sex play comes to the relationship.

I agree that it is complicated. Even acting on same sex desires, requires immense need or desire to overcome the taboo. Trust is not there to share their desire. The partner has given off clues of rejection in the bisexual’ s mind. Sometimes, the fear is not supported and the partner or in this case also the co worker will not shame, condemn, expose the biguy.

As bisexuals and the odd monosexual, let’s just not condemn any poor sap who finds himself in this struggle of identity. You are just a turd to do so.

Why are you writing only about bisexual men, or doing the usual "poor us bisexual men!" song and dance?

What "taboo" for same sex desires? Not everyone that's bisexual has this or thinks of sex with someone of the same sex or gender as a "taboo". You seem to be only going by this site and it's not like this for most or all bisexual people, as many of us do have supportive partners. Not all of us are closeted to our partners or have been closeted when we've had female partners. Before my partner and I met we had relationships with women, and both of us were out as bisexual to them and it was not a big deal, and they were both bisexual and hetero women.

Considering that you frequently advocate cheating, think that it's OK for a bisexual man to cheat on his wife, have posted on this site and others about how if a man is married to a woman and wants to cheat you seek him out, and blame "monosexuals" for all the problems bisexuals face, and you don't like heterosexual women you're the last person anyone should be going to for relationship/sex advice, and then there's the hypocritical stance you have about how it's somehow OK for a bisexual man to cheat on his wife or girlfriend, and that it's good for bisexuals-especially bisexual men (in your opinion) to stay closeted-as though that solves anything in regards to LGBT people, or bisexual people as a whole, and the idea that it's good to stay closeted to a person who you're in a relationship with is ludicrous; but you've frequently posted about how you're very closeted.

But, people who read your so called "advice" masquerading as flaming and confrontation just do what I do and shake their head and laugh at it.

[void()]

My post had less to do with monogamy and more to do with simple trust, Tenni. Lying to your partner(s) to maintain a relationship is wrong. I don't give a hoot if someone is polyamorous or what - if they're honest about it and not deceiving their partners. If you're keeping a secret that has the power to destroy your relationship - you have no foundation to your relationship that's worth mentioning. That's what I was warning against.

Quoted for accuracy, integrity, honesty and a hint of objective truth. Thank you. Glad someone comprehends.

[tenni]

Redfox has not been on this site since the day after he joined.

Those who continue posting about cheating are just foaming up for naught. They may be worse than Chistian or Muslim radical fundamentalists busy condemning others. How pathetic for a bisexual site to lack compassion yet again. Chased another bisexual thinking about his needs and urges away.

Women never post here about wanting to have sex with another woman. I guess they never do...reality check is that research shows that they are just as likely to cheat as men but are lot more quiet about it than men.

I think that Redfox's issue was connected more about his fellow worker.

[pole_smoker]

Redfox has not been on this site since the day after he joined.

Those who continue posting about cheating are just foaming up for naught. They may be worse than Chistian or Muslim radical fundamentalists busy condemning others. How pathetic for a bisexual site to lack compassion yet again. Chased another bisexual thinking about his needs and urges away.

Women never post here about wanting to have sex with another woman. I guess they never do...reality check is that research shows that they are just as likely to cheat as men but are lot more quiet about it than men.

I think that Redfox's issue was connected more about his fellow worker.

Here you go yet again with the "poor bisexual men" professional victim song and dance.

If you want compassion for someone feel compassion for the wives/girlfriends of people who cheat or who live with someone that's deeply closeted and who can't even tell their partner or spouse who they supposedly love how they're bisexual, or talk about their relationship and say how they want an open relationship, or divorce/seperation instead of cheating.

There are posts on this site by women where they post about wanting to have sex with other women, or where a woman is married to a man and writes about wanting to cheat on him they are older so you'll have to search to find them.

A marriage or relationship is not only about the man's sexual needs or one partner's sexual needs or desires only, or about cheating on someone who you are in a relationship with, and claim to love; but can't be honest with.

However, it's not surprising that you think that a relationship or marriage is about one partner's needs only, that it's OK to cheat-especially on a woman or female partner, and why you're single, frequently hook up with random married men you don't know who cheat on their wives, have a large number of fuck buddies some of whom you've had unprotected anal sex with, and why your long term relationships or a marriage to a woman didn't last, and why you got divorced.

[pole_smoker]

My post had less to do with monogamy and more to do with simple trust, Tenni. Lying to your partner(s) to maintain a relationship is wrong. I don't give a hoot if someone is polyamorous or what - if they're honest about it and not deceiving their partners. If you're keeping a secret that has the power to destroy your relationship - you have no foundation to your relationship that's worth mentioning. That's what I was warning against.

Exactly. People need to keep this in mind that it's never good to base a relationship on a lie, or keep secrets from a partner like about how you're bisexual.

[Ja&Ve]

My post had less to do with monogamy and more to do with simple trust, Tenni. Lying to your partner(s) to maintain a relationship is wrong. I don't give a hoot if someone is polyamorous or what - if they're honest about it and not deceiving their partners. If you're keeping a secret that has the power to destroy your relationship - you have no foundation to your relationship that's worth mentioning. That's what I was warning against.

Truth. Lying is what kill relationships. Problem is so many of these people never fess up until its too late. Then instead of needing just acceptance, now they need forgiveness and time for their partner to rebuild trust, if they are ever able to regain it at all.

[void()]

A marriage or relationship is not only about the man's sexual needs or one partner's sexual needs or desires only, or about cheating on someone who you are in a relationship with, and claim to love; but can't be honest with.

Danka, mun frend. This and cbb83's posts express with stunning clarity what I have been lobbing over the fence for a while. Get accused of being judgmental. I'm not judging. I am making a personal choice.

I choose being honest with elian, my boyfriend and C my wife. I love them both. In fact, if society and our situation/s allowed, I would be married to them both. I do not cheat. I love these two beautiful and perfect people. I love each equally, eternally, unconditionally, but yes I love each in their own way. Neither one of them is 'first', they are both first, even despite our situation/s at present.

That is my personal choice, to love these two nut cases. My choice to honor our our love and not keep secrets, aside from omitting discussion regarding porn watching. C would rather not know too much regarding that. At one time she asked I not watch any but has relaxed her views on it. I can watch a bit but don't go blabbing it to her. We have an expression here, "I don't wanna hear it". Point being, I honor them by not desiring anyone beyond them save for an occasional fantasy wank.

That is my choice. It is also my choice to not knowingly help another person cheat. If you want to cheat I can understand some of the motive behind it, fine, do what you need or feel you need. But do not do it with me. I dislike the idea of being dishonest like that, I choose not to do it, choose to not be 'involved' with those who do. That is not judging but making personal choices based on preferences, experience/s. Cheating is not for me in any way. You want to? Okay, your call but please "I don't wanna hear it".

And no that does not grant someone carte blanche to not tell me they cheat, get involved with me. I will know and if I don't, I will find out. Deceptions and facades run away from me rather quickly, leaving truths behind. That is just the kind of person I am. Sorry if that offends, not intended to offend.

[69luvr]

I have a friend I work with. A twenty something male. I'm not sure of his sexuality, meaning he doesn't talk much about women or men for that matter. The point is this guy turns me on! I have moments when I want to just tell him but I'm terrified! I really need help and advice here because when I'm around this guy I just want to attack him. I happen to be married and she has absolutely no idea of my bisexuality. I really like women but I like a certain type of man too. I hope this isn't coming off as stupid but this guy is probably very well hung (tall and big feet lol). I am desperate here. I just don't want to jeopardize him or myself for that matter. Can anybody help me?

Red I'd say forget him. There are many other fish in the sea. Never play around where you work. If something goes wrong and it gets out, you might lose your job and wife. Be discreet and go elsewhere.