Accidental Outing

[ALAbiguy]

No, not me!

An old and good friend who I've known since school days, almost forty years now, accidentally outed himself to me last weekend and doesn't even know it. I won't go in to the details of how it happened, but lets just say that clearing your browsing history is a good idea. Firefox, and other browsers suggest websites when you start typing, starting with sites you've recently visited. These suggestions can give very private information away if someone else is using your computer. No, I wasn't deliberately snooping, and I had permission to be using the computer. He wasn't present when this happened, so he doesn't know that I saw that he was browsing gay hookup sites. I'm never going to bring this up to him or anyone else outside of an anonymous setting like here. He would be absolutely mortified if he knew that I know about this. He lives alone, so it wasn't someone else browsing these sites.

I don't care though, his private life is his business and nobody else's. This in no way changes how I feel about my friend. If he ever feels the need to come out, I will be there for him still. He doesn't know that I'm bisexual.

I'm not out as bisexual to anyone outside of my circle of "special" friends myself, so I can appreciate and respect his desire to keep this private. I live in a very conservative small town, and being out can cause problems that I just don't feel the need to deal with. I felt kind of awkward for a while after discovering this, kind of like how one would feel getting caught reading someone's diary. It just goes to show that no matter how well you think you know someone, you can be surprised.

Browse in private mode or clear your history if you don't want to accidentally reveal information that you'd rather keep private!

[Hypersexual11]

Something happened to me along these lines a few years ago. At the time I was seeing a gay guy now and then. He was more of an nsa hookup and he didn't know my last name. I did have his phone number though and only called him one time. When he answered he said, in a kind of sexy voice "(my brothers name), how have you been?". I told him who it was and that he thought I was my brother. He said, 'wow, this must be awkward, I just saw the last name on my caller id'. I just said no problem and hung up, never saw him again. So now I know my brother is bi, he doesn't know I know and it wont get out further than this but it is odd knowing this.

[elian]

Having to grow up questioning my sexuality gave me compassion for other people struggling with an innate behavior society rejects such as "who you love" or "who you are attracted to" - who the heck am I to define what is right or wrong for YOU? I can make a suggestion, but I would need another 100 or so lives to be able to tell you anything of true value about other people.

the only thing that sort of bothers me is that if people cannot be honest with their partner - but I guess I can understand the struggle with that too. Thankfully I am out to immediate family and they mostly accept me but there are still folks who don't know - they could probably guess, but they don't ask, if they did I would probably tell the truth - but they don't, and I don't volunteer that sort of info unless I am in a relationship with someone.

[Realist]

I've been bisexual most of my life, but still have little ability to discern others' sexuality. (Bidar, gaydar)

It still surprises me, sometimes, when somoene I thought was straight turns out to be gay, or bisexual.

Like you Alabiguy, if I stumbled upon private information, like that, I would never divulge it, either.

[BiCuriousVAN]

<CTRL><Shift<P> in IE and Firefox or <CTRL><Shift<P> in Chrome is your friend. It leaves no traces, as long as you close before you leave.

[pole_smoker]

You said you were not snooping; but then you went into his browser history.

This site is not "anonymous" but nothing on the internet is.

You have no idea if your friend is bi or gay and out, or if he's closeted. You might as well come out to him yourself since you found out about him and life's too short to stay hidden in a closet.

[cuttin2dachase]

I use one browser and email address for my "naughty" online activities, even though there is little chance of anyone else using my computer...it's better to be safe than sorry LOL. It is configured in stealth mode and does not keep a list of sites I use or a search history and leaves no traces of my activities. I have my naughty browser set up to not remember my user names or passwords either. It's easily done on any browser by going into your Settings and then into Privacy or Security and setting it up. If in doubt on how to do it, (duh) go the the browser help function and find out or simply google for instructions on security, privacy or stealth mode for that browser. I use a different browser for my str8 online activities, email, Facebook etc, but I only let it remember certain user names and passwords for non-financially related sites and also keep my social media info private.

I have accidentally discovered "straight" friends, acquaintances, co workers and friends of friends who are secretly bi or gay while I was cruising adult sites and profiles and pics. My first wife and I even discovered that her sister & bro-in-law were swingers, and as well as some of their friends that we knew. We swung too, but didn't let them know we knew. I would never let a good friend or co-worker know I know they are bi or gay. I have used secret knowledge like this to anonymously approach acquaintances or friends of friends online. I even met a few of them. When we met, they remembered my face but didn't know my name or remember where they knew me from and they didn't know I had insider info on them LOL. This is why I don't post pics on this or other adult sites. I used to have no fear of posting pics, but I got recognized and stalked by persons unknown who'd recognized me and even knew my name. It was creepy, but luckily they didn't out me or blackmail me. I will cam face to face with people I trust and I will trade pics privately with people once a mutual interest is established.

[pole_smoker]

I use one browser and email address for my "naughty" online activities, even though there is little chance of anyone else using my computer...it's better to be safe than sorry LOL. It is configured in stealth mode and does not keep a list of sites I use or a search history and leaves no traces of my activities. I have my naughty browser set up to not remember my user names or passwords either. It's easily done on any browser by going into your Settings and then into Privacy or Security and setting it up. If in doubt on how to do it, (duh) go the the browser help function and find out or simply google for instructions on security, privacy or stealth mode for that browser. I use a different browser for my str8 online activities, email, Facebook etc, but I only let it remember certain user names and passwords for non-financially related sites and also keep my social media info private.

I have accidentally discovered "straight" friends, acquaintances, co workers and friends of friends who are secretly bi or gay while I was cruising adult sites and profiles and pics. My first wife and I even discovered that her sister & bro-in-law were swingers, and as well as some of their friends that we knew. We swung too, but didn't let them know we knew. I would never let a good friend or co-worker know I know they are bi or gay. I have used secret knowledge like this to anonymously approach acquaintances or friends of friends online. I even met a few of them. When we met, they remembered my face but didn't know my name or remember where they knew me from and they didn't know I had insider info on them LOL. This is why I don't post pics on this or other adult sites. I used to have no fear of posting pics, but I got recognized and stalked by persons unknown who'd recognized me and even knew my name. It was creepy, but luckily they didn't out me or blackmail me. I will cam face to face with people I trust and I will trade pics privately with people once a mutual interest is established.

Or you could just, you know...stop being so paranoid.

It's 2015 and in the Western world nobody cares if you're LGBT, and there's no need to be this closeted when you're an adult.

[Melody Dean]

You said you were not snooping; but then you went into his browser history.

This site is not "anonymous" but nothing on the internet is.

You have no idea if your friend is bi or gay and out, or if he's closeted. You might as well come out to him yourself since you found out about him and life's too short to stay hidden in a closet.

Actually, it sounds more like he was typing something and got autofill.

Now that sounds dirty...

[cuttin2dachase]

@ polesmoker: And you could just, you know, stop being such an insensitive, judgmental jack*ss ! I live in the deep South in the Bible Belt where there are indeed people who care if an outwardly straight friend or family member comes out or is outed as gay or bi. Str8 friends, and family members especially, DO tend to be shocked and hurt by such revelations. I am ultra cautious and ultra discreet, not paranoid, and will continue to fiercely safeguard my bi side and keep it shielded from my str8 side so that I will not risk hurting those str8 (but also judgmental) people I love. I also choose to be ultra closeted because my secret, taboo "double life" is quite daring and exciting to me. Unlike the vocal minority of LGBT flag wavers and activists, the majority of bi people don't want to be LGBT flag waving activists nor do they feel oppressed and discriminated against by str8 people.

[FestusWayne]

Even worse, it will auto-fill from not just your browsing history, but your bookmarks. Short of cuttin2dachase's suggestion of having a separate browser, this one's hard to avoid. Chrome and mozilla do have separate profiles, I suppose...

[Gearbox]

I'm out now, but I would have been mortified if a friend discovered my browsing history on my PC when closeted. I just wasn't ready for that revelation.
It's VERY odd, coz I had nothing to be ashamed about and was comfy in my own skin. It's that disclosure that bothered me. I think we get so used to living part of our lives in secrecy that it's hard to break the habit.

Looking back, I can see what a waste of energy I put into secrecy and how needless the stress of it was. Nobody I know has any problem with my sexuality.
Ironically, getting to the point of not giving a fek what they think of me (coming out), actually gave them the opportunity to tell me that they admire me more for it.

Besides people in general respecting honesty, there is the stigma of being 'different' as being scary that most would love to get rid of in society. Most non LGBT know those within it, have a family member within it and care a lot about them. Sadly, many know of at least one youngster that has taken their own life due to not dealing with their sexuality.
Nobody wants that!
'Normal' is not known well in society coz most hide it. Not just sexuality-wise, but in many areas. Privacy is a double-edged sword.

One day 'coming out' could be obsolete, and that will be a sign of a society that knows itself, at long last.

[ALAbiguy]

Actually, it sounds more like he was typing something and got autofill.

Now that sounds dirty...

That's exactly what happened Melody. Pole_smoker's just trolling again. Some folks just love stirring the pot!

[bithesea]

Coming out is a personal choice, and I commend those who posted about keeping the secret a secret. Coming out can be a process and not a one-time event, as we all know, but it has to serve a purpose. There are younger (than me, anyway) people over on a coming out forum who agonize over this, and believe it will help their emotional health. Fine. What it probably won't help is making their lives better, helping them find their ideal mate, etc.
Personally, I don't see how it helps anybody to know that I am bi. My GF knows, as she should, but I can't imagine telling my family, since it would likely cause some problems for all of us. I know; I have a relative who is out, and it hasn't been a smooth ride for her.
Anyway, I try to remain teachable, so I'll shut up now and listen . . .

[ALAbiguy]

It's very easy with modern browsers to use private, or incognito, or whatever they want to call it browsing mode. I use it exclusively for browsing things I'd rather keep private, no matter if I'm browsing in straight, bi, or gay mode for the day. Most browsers make that feature easy to use, and it will prevent someone from being able to easily, or accidentally, snoop your browsing history. Of course it won't hide your browsing habits from your ISP or the NSA, but honestly, they don't really give a shit who you sleep with as long as they're not underage. If you feel the need to hide your browsing habits from your ISP and law enforcement you will need to use a VPN and TOR.

My friend is very tech savvy, so I was quite surprised he wasn't using the private browsing feature.

Maybe he was drunk

[ALAbiguy]

I wish we lived in a world where coming out wasn't an issue. It's getting better, but there's still a long way to go. Maybe in the future folks will no longer feel they have to hide who the really are, but I don't see that happening in my remaining lifetime.

[elian]

..I don't have much to hide but Tor is under so much scrutiny right now, I wouldn't use it anyway.

That's what I figured is that it wasn't just the browser history, but autocomplete that was causing the problem. My browser had a habit of opening up the last page I visited, which usually is fine for me since I am single but I do remember it accidentally opening up this site when I was trying to look something up for a friend. Hey, if he can't figure it out by now, what can I say? It's not like he doesn't lust over women just as much.

We have come a long way in a very short amount of time, I guess that is what upsets so many fundamentalists, I never thought I would see "gay marriage" in MY lifetime but here it is. Of course, the gay people I know who want to get married have known each other long enough that they do the same thing in bed as -other- married couples, they fall asleep.

[DrBimind]

...
We have come a long way in a very short amount of time, I guess that is what upsets so many fundamentalists, I never thought I would see "gay marriage" in MY lifetime but here it is. Of course, the gay people I know who want to get married have known each other long enough that they do the same thing in bed as -other- married couples, they fall asleep.

LOL yep no matter your preference, don't take too long before a marriage bed is thought of for sleeping first, sex second LOL

[fredtyg]

You can deactivate the auto fill function. I'd have to go back and figure out how to do it but I did it on this computer some years ago after a close call. I'm kinda out now, at least online, but even if I was completely out I'd really rather not advertise it so I'll keep auto fill off.

I was trying to show a niece something on the computer and started typing in a url when auto fill completed the url to this or some other readily recognizable bi or gay web site. Not sure if she noticed, although she was standing right next to me watching what I was doing. I went on with what I was doing but made sure to deactivate auto fill as soon as I had the chance.

Going back to someone accidentally outing himself, I wouldn't probably say anything, either. It would, however, make me feel much more comfortable about letting that person know about me. It would depend on who the guy is, though.

I found out about a friend/acquaintance two or three years ago when he replied to a Craiglist m4m ad I posted. I had no idea, although thinking back there were a couple clues. I didn't reply back to him because, despite considering him a friend, there are some people for whatever reason I'd rather not let know about me.

In his case, I not only wasn't sexually attracted to him and didn't want him hitting on me. There's also some people I'd really rather not have know, for one reason or another. But, I'm pretty out online and it probably wouldn't take much effort for anyone to find out. Heck, I do have my interest listed as in Men and Women on Facebook, if that's not obvious enough.

[Fzmr9t]

We have one pic (Mac) which my wife uses constantly, so I rely on my iPad, but she will use it also from time to time, so I have to constantly delete history, keystrokes, etc.
its a pain, but it's the life I {coff} live.

[pole_smoker]

Heck, I do have my interest listed as in Men and Women on Facebook, if that's not obvious enough.

Considering that you're married to a woman and cheat on her people are going to assume that this means you just want to be friends with women and men unless you try to hook up and cheat with them, or tell them how you're into cheating on your wife and having affairs.

I know people who are hetero and gay who have "interested in men and women" on facebook and they do this because they want to find friends or network on facebook, and it doesn't have anything to do with their sexual orientation.

[fredtyg]

If you want to deactivate auto- fill, at least for Firefox, go to Tools>Options>Privacy. Then at the bottom of the window where it says, When Using Location Box Suggest, choose "Nothing".

[tenni]

When is Pole coming out as a gay man?

[fredtyg]

I know people who are hetero and gay who have "interested in men and women" on facebook and they do this because they want to find friends or network on facebook, and it doesn't have anything to do with their sexual orientation.

Whatever, d-bag. That is, however, why I took the relatively big step and made that change to my FB page. It's obvious, if people looked for it, but I could always say I was just interested in having male or female friends should anyone really get nasty about it. Nobody's ever brought it up and it's been at least 3 years.

Then again, there's more people that know I'm queer than I'm likely aware of.

I also have myself described as bisexual on my MySpace page, but nobody ever goes there, including me.

It doesn't take much to find out more as I'm often surprised what comes up if I type my name or Google ID into a search engine.

I'm not all that concerned, although I do try to keep it somewhat low key.

Seems to me it's when you have something to hide that you have to really worry. If I was trying to hide being queer and covering my tracks as I did maybe ten years ago, then someone could really cause some problems for me if only because they know I was trying to keep things secret. If someone tried to blackmail or otherwise use it against me now I'd just tell him to go ahead since I make no secret of it. Go online and check!

[pole_smoker]

When is Pole coming out as a gay man?

That will never happen since I'm not gay, and neither is my partner. We are bisexual.

You love to go on and on about biphobia/bisexual erasure, etc. but then you don't really practice it, at all.