Interesting post from "Dear Prude"

**salemite43** · Aug 26, 2014, 3:33 PM

I ran across this tidbit on Slate's FB page.

Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. Credit: Slate.com/Dear Prudie.Irrelevant Closet: I am a happily married, 27-year-old mother of two. I have recently revealed to my husband that I am bisexual, something I have only recently admitted to myself. He is completely supportive and we agreed that this does not change anything in terms of our monogamy. The only issue is that he thinks it would be irrelevant to come out to friends and family since I am in a heterosexual marriage. I know that my family will be accepting, however, now I’m worried that he is right and it would seem out of place to make such a revelation.

A: Let’s say you discovered a late breaking interest in plushophilia, or you now realized you were turned on by being a dominatrix. This would not be news you’d be required to announce at the next Thanksgiving gathering. The rapidity with which society has accepted, even embraced, gay sexual orientation is a glorious phenomenon. But you are confusing your personal sexual exploration with a social imperative. It would be one thing if you left your marriage because you were pursuing relationships with women. That would be worth talking about—if you wanted to—as a way of explaining the dissolution of your marriage. But you say you are planning to not only stay with your husband but remain monogamous. I agree with your husband that making a public announcement about something so private will not be illuminating but discomfiting.

What say you, Dear Members?

**Gearbox** · Aug 26, 2014, 9:00 PM

Well you can see her point there. But OBVIOUSLY the bisexual wife had other reasons for coming out as bi, and they were totally ignored by Dear Prudence and her husband.

The rapidity with which society has accepted, even embraced, gay sexual orientation is a glorious phenomenon. But you are confusing your personal sexual exploration with a social imperative.

Why exactly does Prudence think that sexual orientation becomes insignificant and has no social imperative within a monogamous relationship? The bisexual wife felt that sharing her identity was important to HER and THAT was her social imperative: She wanted to express her identity.
Prudence doesn't think that it's relevant coz it has no effect on the marriage and would cause the discomfort of others.............even though it has a direct effect on the wife herself and cause her discomfort. She is advised to STFU, in a marvelous society where the 'phenomena' of gay acceptance is such a glorious thing.
So does being monog & married veto your right to march in a LGBT Pride event? Apparently.....oh yes. Unless she chows down on some non-monog pussy.

**void()** · Aug 26, 2014, 9:02 PM

Asked, and answered repeatedly. Check out the site's archives. Some have suggested Google is handy.

**2bi2Bboring** · Aug 26, 2014, 9:03 PM

I'm of the opinion that coming out to the family is not always an advantageous thing. When you are single and wish to pursue same-sex dating, there is a need to disclose that you have such inclinations. When you are in a heteronormative relationship where the likelihood of pursuing such extracurricular relationships is low to nonexistent because you've chosen to preserve the monogamous nature of your marriage, there isn't much point. It's simply a case of too much information, in a "need to know" situation.

If the wife feels an absolute necessity to come out to her family, it is, of course, her imperative to do so. I'm not for squashing the path to someone else's well being. It is, however something she should examine and maybe test the waters with one trusted family member first. Outing one's self to the whole family can have unforeseen consequences.

**elian** · Aug 26, 2014, 9:20 PM

The columnist did caveat her advice by saying, "and you want to stay in a monogamous relationship" (because that is what the question stated). For now, I guess it is possible that the wife is happy to explore her bisexuality in thought, at some point in the future she and her husband might come to an understanding involving physical contact as well.. who knows?

People and relationships are complex and what works for one person or couple may not work for another.

**Long Duck Dong** · Aug 27, 2014, 4:48 AM

a edited transcript does make it hard as a lot of assumptions would need to go into why the person wants to come out to their family......

there can be a lot of pros to coming out that are not all about the person and their sexuality...... such as it can open the doors for others in the family to come out, or know that there is somebody in the family that may be able to talk about the understanding of what its like to be bisexual from their perspective...... but honestly the question of why they feel the need to come out, is missing in the transcript.....

is it because they want to share their new understanding of who they are as a person or because there is pressure on them to be a good bisexual and be out of the closet.... or because they feel its the right thing to do for themselves and for any future aspects that may arise from their bisexuality such as they end up in a poly style relationship and bringing their partners to thanks giving, is not going to result in a weeks worth of 100 questions about the whys, hows and whens.......

coming out is a individual choice..... it appears that prude is merely trying to say, look at your reasoning for coming out and be comfortable with it, rather than pressured to come out because its expected of you, in the same way of enjoy your monogamous lifestyle rather than feel pressured to have to have sex with more than one person........and bear in mind that your partners concern may be well intended and he does not want you to come out as bisexual and be seen as a easy fuck or somebody that will sleep with anybody just because you are bisexual.......

**CurEUs_Male** · Aug 27, 2014, 8:23 AM

So I'm seeing that dear prudie has probably never come out to anyone her(him) self...
It's a shame that she has added to the issue of bi-erasure in the response. Yeah the reader is in a hetero-normative, monogamous marriage, but that is no reason to not be her true self. Coming out can be a huge mental alignment. It allows you to be yourself, and with family that *can* be so important, or not. This is a huge topic. It is written about in many places, volumes of advice and examples, good and bad... such a shame that this 'advice' columnist took so little time and effort to understand the question, and leave this poor woman hiding her light under a shroud, invisible for others.

**Gearbox** · Aug 27, 2014, 9:55 AM

Originally Posted by CurEUs_Male

So I'm seeing that dear prudie has probably never come out to anyone her(him) self...
It's a shame that she has added to the issue of bi-erasure in the response. Yeah the reader is in a hetero-normative, monogamous marriage, but that is no reason to not be her true self. Coming out can be a huge mental alignment. It allows you to be yourself, and with family that *can* be so important, or not. This is a huge topic. It is written about in many places, volumes of advice and examples, good and bad... such a shame that this 'advice' columnist took so little time and effort to understand the question, and leave this poor woman hiding her light under a shroud, invisible for others.

Well thank fek for that! I was beginning to think that I was the only one who doesn't think 'coming out' is all about getting sex.

**Gypsy_Rose** · Aug 27, 2014, 11:00 AM

granted, yes, this is an edited transcript, but my take away is that prudella feels sharing your sexual orientation is only valid if you are either gay or straight, thereby completely invalidating bisexuality as a sexual identity, and relegating bisexual activity to that only of a type of kink, which we all know is bull. what if the "sanctity of marriage" were legally allowed for poly families, would bisexuality then be acknowledged as an orientation in it's own right? it's 2014, we still have so far to go in educating the masses.

**elian** · Aug 27, 2014, 4:53 PM

The advice columnist predicates her advice on the fact that the person who asked the question stated that she was going to remain monogamous; and she echoed the same sentiment that many people here already have - that what you do with people in private is your own business and maybe not everyone in the world needs to know.

t would be one thing if you left your marriage because you were pursuing relationships with women. That would be worth talking about—if you wanted to—as a way of explaining the dissolution of your marriage. But you say you are planning to not only stay with your husband but remain monogamous. I agree with your husband that making a public announcement about something so private will not be illuminating but discomfiting.

She even goes so far to say that if it was a poly marriage then it would be worth discussing...that's not bi erasure.

**Gearbox** · Aug 27, 2014, 9:31 PM

Originally Posted by Elian

The advice columnist predicates her advice on the fact that the person who asked the question stated that she was going to remain monogamous; and she echoed the same sentiment that many people here already have - that what you do with people in private is your own business and maybe not everyone in the world needs to know.

How far are you willing to take that?
Should hubby & Prudence ban the wife from attending Pride events as a bisexual?
Should she deny being bisexual if asked by anybody?

**jamieknyc** · Aug 29, 2014, 11:13 AM

Doesn't the husband have a right of privacy concerning what he and his wife (and whatever outside partners they agree upon) do in the bedroom?

**pole_smoker** · Aug 29, 2014, 2:12 PM

Originally Posted by CurEUs_Male

So I'm seeing that dear prudie has probably never come out to anyone her(him) self...
It's a shame that she has added to the issue of bi-erasure in the response. Yeah the reader is in a hetero-normative, monogamous marriage, but that is no reason to not be her true self. Coming out can be a huge mental alignment. It allows you to be yourself, and with family that *can* be so important, or not. This is a huge topic. It is written about in many places, volumes of advice and examples, good and bad... such a shame that this 'advice' columnist took so little time and effort to understand the question, and leave this poor woman hiding her light under a shroud, invisible for others.

Exactly. It sounds like the person or people writing that advice column want the woman to stay locked in the closet. At least the woman came out to her husband, and hopefully she'll ignore the pointless and dated advice she was given and come out to her family. Coming out is not all about sex, it's not telling your sex life to other people or telling other people you can't be monogamous or want to have an open relationship and have sex with other people.