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  1. #1

    bi guy looking for answers????

    I'm a bi guy my wife knew i was bi before we got married. And now she is trying to change me asking me why I go on sites and talk to guys im married how can I open her eyes and realize its apart of me i can't just turn off any ideas????

  2. #2

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Communication. Agree together what is and is not acceptable in your relationship. She knows what you are, does she know explicitly what that means to you and what you want to be able to do in your relationship? Was chatting with guys in a sexual manner agreed upon? Camming? Face to face? I'm straight but chatting with guys in a sexual manner would be a major no-no in my relationship. My husband would wig out. Now together might be different, but definitely talk and establish in exhaustive detail what's ok and what is not.

    good luck!

  3. #3

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Yes I agree with Ja about the communication aspect. It seems in her mind that she is telling you to conform to her sexuality ..and adds that now that you are married you should not be interested in men. Under that might be the idea that she is not interested in other men now and you should not be interested in other women...therefore you should be like her. She demonstrates a monosexual belief system that your interest in men is the same as being interested in other females. There is no difference. Will she watch bisexual porn? That may be a way of expanding her perceptions sexually but not understanding that there is a difference between biguys and hetero guys. There seems to be a need for you to work through your own thoughts about your bisexuality if you have not already. Then begin sharing with her how you feel differently than a heterosexual man or woman. Being with a man is not the same as being with another woman. Re assure her that you love her and this need that you have doesn't reduce your love for her. Good luck. It seems like a long open communication journey is needed.
    Last edited by tenni; Aug 13, 2014 at 6:21 PM.

  4. #4

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    If she knew when you wed an accepted why is she having problem?

  5. #5

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Ok, this kind of thing bothers me because we are speaking about a personhood issue. I would encourage you to look at Maslow's hierarchy of need. Sex is at the bottom or base of the triangle along with food, breathing, sleep and other BASIC human needs. Denying a person sexual expression is the same as denying them other basic needs like food and sleep. When you are talking about things on this level of human existence, to try and separate these needs from a person is to deny them what they need to survive. This is why I call it a personhood issue, these things are what constitutes what it means to be human. Sex is part of what makes us human, denying a person's sexuality is denying them on the most compulsory level. Sexual repression is a path straight to mental illness. People act out in all manner of unhealthy ways when sexual repression enters the picture. I have a big problem with this issue because I know how this hurts. In my first marriage, my now ex-wife who knew about my sexuality, berated and denied me the ability express myself freely. She threatened divorce, exposure to my work and friends and with never letting me see my children again if I acted on my sexual desires. To be denied sexual expression is to be denied as a person on the most basic plane of human existence. This is who you are, not some kind of hobby or habit that you can change. It's as much a part of you as your eye color or your food preferences. You cannot change it, it's a part of you.

    When my current wife and I got together, we sat down one night and I laid out for her who I was. I put it all on the table and trusted her with my sexuality. We had only known each other a short time, so this was a massive leap of faith on my part. I told her I was willing to accept her wholly, no matter her desires. In that exchange she admitted to me that she too was bisexual and her first sexual experience was a same-sex experience. We accepted each other and have grown so close because of that acceptance. It is the most beautiful gift we have ever given to each other. We have grown over the 15+years we have been together because we have that gift. Our relationship is better than ever because we have a level of honesty and communication that few other couples we know have. Not even our friends in the lifestyle communicate as well as we do. We hold no secrets, ever. We always take each other's feelings into account and we never seek to hurt each other, ever. She is my life and my soul. We made a promise to each other, one we have kept throughout our 15 year journey. We promised each other that no matter what we would walk away together. That no one would ever come between us, no lover, no friend, no one, ever. Lovers and friends could add to our lives but never detract from it. We have tried polyamory, it failed because those we sought to add into our relationship didn't share our commitment to it. But through it, all we have stayed true to our promise to each other. It was and still is our most precious gift of ourselves to ourselves.

    I wish you luck. I hope you and your wife can resolve this and come to some sort of resolution. Denying yourself or allowing your wife to deny you the right of being you is not the answer. You can submit to her will, but if you do I fear for your future. There may be resentment and anger in your future because of it. Do your best to open her mind and help her accept you as you are. Talk frankly and honestly about yourself. Let her know you can accept her wholly and ask her to do the same for you. Let her know even if you have sex with others that can't diminish your love for her. Ask her if she is open to participate with you, together things are easier to accept than doing things separately. Ask her about her own sexuality, ask her if she has ever had a same-sex experience. Most of all, listen to her concerns, try to assuage her fears and be honest. Best of luck to you.

  6. #6

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Placing sex as a "physiological need" has been heavily criticized in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, as he had originally indicated that sex is a need purely for the survival of the species, and that need has been distorted and misinterpreted. Physiological needs are needs that MUST be met, or you will die. If you do not eat, breathe, sleep, urinate/defecate, or drink, you will die. You will not die without sex, otherwise many many virgins and those who are celibate would suffer a cruel and unusual fate, no?. Maslow was speaking of sex as in heterosexual reproduction, not sex with the same sex (sex with the same sex would actually be doing the opposite of proliferating the species, but anyways); without sexual reproduction, the human species as a whole would cease to exist, and that is why sex appears in the physiological needs category. Sex with the same sex and same sex attraction is actually addressed as "sexual intimacy", which falls under the category of "Love and Belonging", which is not a basic need. It only comes after physiological needs like food and water, and safety needs like health, shelter, and financial security are met. That being said, sex is not ACTUALLY a basic necessity of life, if you are using Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to support same sex needs. Just wanted to clarify this.

    That being said, to the original poster: have you talked to your wife about what it means for you to express your bisexuality? She may not have understood the implications of your SSA when you first disclosed it to her, especially if you have not discussed it since then. Communicate. Perhaps try some couples counseling. Try to understand how you both feel.
    Last edited by AnnaD31; Aug 13, 2014 at 11:53 PM.

  7. #7

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Look at it from her point of view.

    She knew you were bisexual but you chose her to marry, right?Well, my wife knew I loved having sex with lots of women before we married but she didn’t feel the need to mention to me that, if we married, I wasn’t supposed to fuck other women anymore.

    I can see her point of view!
    I've worn a beret, a badge, and a suit and tie. Now I prefer wearing nothing!

    Most men, at one time or another, have wished they could suck their own cocks.
    A real man, admits he'd like to suck other cocks

  8. #8

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    I agree Anna, communication and counseling are probably the best course of action.

  9. #9

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    [QUOTE=AnnaD31;272427]Placing sex as a "physiological need" has been heavily criticized in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, as he had originally indicated that sex is a need purely for the survival of the species, and that need has been distorted and misinterpreted. Physiological needs are needs that MUST be met, or you will die. If you do not eat, breathe, sleep, urinate/defecate, or drink, you will die. You will not die without sex, otherwise many many virgins and those who are celibate would suffer a cruel and unusual fate, no?. Maslow was speaking of sex as in heterosexual reproduction, not sex with the same sex (sex with the same sex would actually be doing the opposite of proliferating the species, but anyways); without sexual reproduction, the human species as a whole would cease to exist, and that is why sex appears in the physiological needs category. Sex with the same sex and same sex attraction is actually addressed as "sexual intimacy", which falls under the category of "Love and Belonging", which is not a basic need. It only comes after physiological needs like food and water, and safety needs like health, shelter, and financial security are met. That being said, sex is not ACTUALLY a basic necessity of life, if you are using Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to support same sex needs. Just wanted to clarify this.

    Anna
    I disagree with your interpretation of Maslow's inclusion of sex as a need. What you write about reproduction is not what Maslow was referring to. He was referring to the individual and self actualization. Without your sexual needs being met, the organism will not be able to focus on higher needs. It is true that there is a wiggle room in this area though. The concept of "basic" needs argument seems more religiously based imo. It may be gender based as well. I find that women on this site are more inclined to deny sex as a physiological need than men. That should not surprise many..
    Last edited by tenni; Aug 15, 2014 at 6:08 AM.

  10. #10

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Tenni, I disagree. While sex is important to achieve self actualization, as is meeting every other need, if you study Maslow's work more closely, you will see that he theorizes that many people will never achieve self-actualization, and those that do only achieve it once every other need has been met. Maslow differentiated between sex as a need for the survival of the species and sexual intimacy, which is why it appears twice in the hierarchy, in different contexts. You are referring to sexual intimacy. Arguing that you will die without sexual intimacy is ridiculous. Basic (physiological) needs are survival needs. If you were stranded on an island and did not have food, water, sleep, or the ability to urinate or defecate, you would die, and quickly. You would not die without sex. Yes sex is a need, we are humans and humans are sexual. BUT, it is not essential for sustaining life. Stating that men need sex for survival is archaic, and suggests that men are not able to control their impulses, which is insulting to men. I have read some of your conversations, and I feel as though you have less respect for women than men, and consider our differences from men as "less than".
    Last edited by AnnaD31; Aug 15, 2014 at 9:23 AM.

  11. #11

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    As an old girlfriend once said, "Sex may not be everything, but it's way ahead of what ever's in 2nd place!"

    Speaking of desert Islands........I'll bet you one thing, Robinson Crusoe was a much happier person, after Friday showed up!

  12. #12

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Quote Originally Posted by Realist View Post
    As an old girlfriend once said, "Sex may not be everything, but it's way ahead of what ever's in 2nd place!"

    Speaking of desert Islands........I'll bet you one thing, Robinson Crusoe was a much happier person, after Friday showed up!
    Haha!

  13. #13

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    I have thought about counceling. And every time we talk about it some how ends up in a fight i just want to be me i hate hiding like she wants me to. I still talk to guyz online and even like a guy enough to do something but he is never available too do so. Most my friends know im bi because my x outed me at a bar one night. I just want to be free to be me is all not sure what that involves yet. We still play with toys together and stuff but its not the real thing either just frustrated thank you for all the feedback on the subject I asked her before we got married if I would have to change me being bi she said no. Then I put a ring on her finger and now its totally changed she wants to change me but its apart of me that I can't change....

  14. #14

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    No sweetheart, you cannot change it. But you look like you are going to have to renegotiate or make some tough decisions.

    what exactly did you agree to as a couple once she knew about your bisexuality? Did you tell her you would be monogamous? That you would want FWB eventually? Depending on that answer it's not fair for her to go back on what you agreed to. And if you didn't set clear lines and active in exhaustive detail what you wanted that's going to be a real problem.

    Now the other question. Are you going to great lengths to make sure she is coddled and well cared for? That everything is secure and that she is cherished and loved? You are dealing with a straight woman and we want to feel like we are your world. And we need it proven to us on a regular basis. Sucks that we are high maintenance like that but we are. And if we don't feel that we will pick on everything you want to do without us or behind our back. We are not magically giving. We want security and you talking with others in a sexual manner implies intent. And unless specifically agreed to that it is ok to do that it's going to be an issue.

  15. #15

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    I am sorry you are feeling trapped buddy. Do you have any children? I'm only asking because hopefully it won't come to this but if the relationship is strained very badly breaking up may be the eventual outcome.

    She may have expectations of benig manogomous but if you were clear with her from the beginning and you aren't hiding then it sounds as though she can't face the idea. She does know that fact you like men has nothing to do with her right? If you love her, then it has nothing to do with how attractive she is, or how much she can please you.. I hope she's not feeling personally rejected by the fact that you like men.

    Honest, but loving communication is the only way I can think to resolve this amicably, so either you will both grow together and your relationship will be stronger (and you are already learning and growing just by being together) or one/both of you may find out that the relationship isn't going to meet both of your needs. It's not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you are able to remain civil toward each other.

  16. #16

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Anna
    Respect should not be given based on gender imo.
    I note that you identify as heterosexual. I do have issues with heterosexual women coming on a bisexual site spouting off as if they "know" what is best for bisexual men.

    Maslow was covered in undergrad first year psych classes. As I recall the numbers who are actually self actualized is a very small section of the population. Rogerian theories and other fields of psych are covered in undergrad and post grad psych. Much of my training fell under developmental psych theories. That was long ago and as my smart arse sister says....things have changed(she has just become a drug and alcohol therapist specializing in adult ADD clients)

    As far as bisexual men are concerned there is a need for same sex expression for some bisexual males based on reports. It varies and not all bisexual men experience this need. It can overtake a bisexual man and the comments about thinking with your little head can hold true. It is a physiological need aspects that Maslow did not cover. Sex for reproduction is an assumption on his part at a time in history where such topics were not openly discussed. In reality, sex is frequently a physiological need that can block development to self actualization. It can also be sublimated to obtain greater self actualization.
    Last edited by tenni; Aug 15, 2014 at 8:48 PM.

  17. #17

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Biguy
    I have ended up focusing on the hetero women's comments.

    I would suggest that you insist that she enter counselling with a bisexual friendly counsellor. It is important that the counsellor have a deep understanding of bisexuality or at least be open and experienced at counselling bisexuals.(not gay positive and focused though)

    You write that this seems to be repressing your core identity. Communication does not seem to be working. Have you reached an agreement on the boundary rules for your expression as a bisexual man? If you believe that some form of same sex contact is necessary and she does not, you are at an impasse. It would seem that you both need to first acknowledge your bisexuality and learn to accept it. Based on your words, she seems to be blocking a true understanding and accepting as to what it is to be bisexual and male. You seem to think that now that she has the ring that you will be a monogamous hetero man and all this same sex stuff can be ignored if you "really" love her. A counsellor may help you. I suspect that neither of you seem to have the communication skills to listen and understand.

    If she refuses to enter counselling, then go on your own. The counsellor may help you communicate with her and she may join the sessions later on. You may have some major life decisions to make.

    What Ja writes may help but this seems to have grown beyond cuddling to re assure her that you love her?

    Good fortune.
    Last edited by tenni; Aug 16, 2014 at 9:52 AM.

  18. #18

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    I don't think the important question that has been asked has been answered yet - did she KNOW you didn't intend to be monogamous when you married? Your wife knowing and accepting the fact that you're bisexual does not mean that she would automatically be fine with you looking for sex outside your marriage. A bisexual person can fall in love with someone and be sexually monogamous. The stereotype that all bisexual individuals need at least one lover of each sex to be sexually fulfilled is something that many bi activists have been fighting against for years.

    It seems like you thought that telling her about your sexuality was a way of telling her that you wanted to be with men sexually while you were married, while she just took it as you telling her that you're attracted to both men and women but not thinking that it would have any impact on your fidelity during your marriage. If you can't be happy and content being sexual with just one person, you need to tell her that, and figure out if you can save your marriage or move on.

  19. #19

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Quote Originally Posted by tenni View Post
    Respect should not be given based on gender imo.
    I note that you identify as heterosexual. I do have issues with heterosexual women coming on a bisexual site spouting off as if they "know" what is best for bisexual men.
    Posting Rules:
    Every great community has rules. Here are ours:
    1 - Don't post your personal ad here. They just clutter up the forums. By far the best thing to do if you are looking to meet people is create a quality personal ad under your Control Panel. These ads then show up highlighted to people in your area.
    2 - Be polite. Flame the idea if you feel you must, but not the person.
    3 - Sexual freedom is what it's all about, but even it should have limits - discussions of non-consensual sex, violence and sex, or sex involving children are not welcome here, will be promptly deleted, and the poster may be banned.
    4 - Have fun. Learn. Share. Entertain. Discuss. Argue. Enlighten.
    First, I believe rule number 2 makes it clear that respect is to be granted regardless of gender.

    Second, if you have problems with people of certain genders or sexual orientations, both, then, you need to realize this
    is your problem alone. This does not imply you have any right to belittle, degrade, disrespect, otherwise be rude to others.

    Third, I am frankly tired of your manure like this. You espoused once that another poster in your opinion violated hate crime speech on here. Allow me to point out that you, yourself are seeming to very perilously close to genuinely violating it.

    Fourth, now, hush and cease disrespecting others. Rejoin the conversation when you're feeling more competently mature enough to not assail others with your problems, or disrespect them based upon their gender or sexual orientation. Otherwise, you are merely flinging piles of dung. Think it safe to say many visitors herein disapprove.

    Fifth, I believe you are capable of being better than you are. There is a reason for that. I do love you. I choose to not attack you here. I attack what you express, which is to say I attack the idea/s you present. What you present in the above quote is racism in my humbled opinion, and that idea, oh, that idea is terribly woeful. So, cease in presenting it because no one here desires it. I do not believe that is why Drew created the site, believe he created it for the wholly opposite purpose. I may be in error, if so, Drew can say as much and I offer apology. Still, please do better, as I know you are capable of doing. Thank you.

  20. #20

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Thank you void. Your eloquent defense and reminder of how everyone deserves respect is much appreciated. I genuinely enjoy the discussions here and really do want to help and understand. When a bi man comes here and asks how to deal with his straight wife, being able to give him perspective from a straight wife can be of value. I want to see these relationships succeed. I want to see people grow in love and understanding. It's why I have such issue with subterfuge and deception. People can't grow if they are lying to themselves and others. And I sincerely hope that this man and his wife can come to a loving understanding.

  21. #21

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    My wife and I both were the oldest of a large group of siblings....in my late teens I had finally been introduced to m/f sex activities and love them, as well as my m/m lifestyle...my wife had also been quite free with her m/f sexuality. For 4 years we dated off and on, and as things brought us closer together, we had "the talk." I told her of my past and if we progressed to marriage, I would need my time away for m/m sex....and the trade off was she could have all the m/f sex she wanted, no questions, not judgements, not humiliation...we enjoy ourselves, but with the base camp of marriage....if she could not handle my being out with a guy, we never would have married...well, we did and 53 years later she passed from cancer...but we had a great number of men and women in and out of our lives. SO I suggest strongly DO NOT MARRY with the secret, because it always come out and then you are in a heap of trouble and can destroy the marriage...greater chance of destroying it than enhancing it...

  22. #22

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Thank you Void(). Just like other members here cannot change the fact that you are bisexual, I cannot change the fact that I am a heterosexual woman. I share my opinions from that perspective, as it is who I am.

  23. #23

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Quote Originally Posted by tenni View Post
    Anna
    Respect should not be given based on gender imo.
    I note that you identify as heterosexual. I do have issues with heterosexual women coming on a bisexual site spouting off as if they "know" what is best for bisexual men.
    Tenni, you should know better than to dismiss her because of her sex OR her sexuality. Her analysis of Maslow is not based on her heterosexuality...and either way, I'm bisexual and I agree with her...of course you may still dismiss my opinions because I'm a woman.

    I was never a fan of Maslow and humanism myself, but yes...*any* level of needs can block self-actualization, since self-actualization is at the *top* of the ladder. The question was whether sex counts as a basic physiological need (i.e., required for continuing life), not whether it belongs in the hierarchy at all (i.e., can be an obstacle to self actualization). I'd say Anna's analysis is pretty sound on this count.

    And absolutely, communication and pairs-counseling is *always* the right step when there are serious issues in a relationship.

    I also agree that
    I hope my achievements in life shall be these: that I will have fought for what was right and fair, that I will have risked for that which mattered, that I will have given help to those who were in need...that I will have left the earth a better place for what I've done and who I've been. (C. Hoppe)

  24. #24

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Annika
    I do not judge based on gender. Nor should you. I do judge non bisexual comments as usually ignorant of the facts and issues. Not all non bisexuals are though but you have to walk in the shoes to truly understand it..even then it can be hard beyond the basic realization. Fluidity in bisexuals is a rarely research factor.

    Maslow is outdated and unless you find him referring to a sexuality beyond hetersosexual it is logical to believe that he was not differentiating. Contemporary research will not dwell on Maslow. Even Rogerian has its limits as a theory. There are a multitude of more contemporary psychological theories exploring the psychology of the human mind. Any one referencing Freud, Jung or Maslow is using outdated knowledge that has long been discarded as valid. These may have been early researchers but the History of Psychology has long dismissed their validity. It is like using theories of the planets basing your study on 1100 AD theories about the world being flat.

    Bisexuality research is very rare. I understand that there is now a bisexual research centre in San Francisco. I'm not keeping up with the latest research on whether sex is a need. I do know that research has indicated that bisexuals have the highest rate of depression and thoughts of suicide. This indicates to me that a need is not being met for bisexuals. What needs are not yet researched. Based on my own personal research I find that some/many middle aged men in sexless marriages turn to same sex action. They may turn to it after divorce for a variety of reasons. Sex is a need for many men and both physiological and certainly psychological needs are met that way.

    Pairs counselling does not help a bisexual if the counsellor is not bisexual positive. I think that there is a place for individual counselling if one of the people refuse to attend.
    Last edited by tenni; Aug 17, 2014 at 4:21 PM.

  25. #25

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Quote Originally Posted by tenni View Post
    Annika
    I do not judge based on gender. Nor should you.
    Of course. Nobody should. I don't believe I have. My comment about your lowering your opinion of my response because I'm a woman was based on your statement:

    Quote Originally Posted by tenni View Post
    I find that women on this site are more inclined to deny sex as a physiological need than men. That should not surprise many..
    Your statement about what you've found among women on the site may be a simple observation...it's the final quote and wink that pushed the line into sexist dickiness. Many women here and elsewhere are *quite* sexual, tyvm, and still recognize that although life would be a good deal less pleasant without sex, we'd still be alive. I think many men would concur, but I'll not presume to know.

    Quote Originally Posted by tenni View Post
    I do judge non bisexual comments as usually ignorant of the facts and issues. Not all non bisexuals are though but you have to walk in the shoes to truly understand it..even then it can be hard beyond the basic realization. Fluidity in bisexuals is a rarely research factor.

    Maslow is outdated and unless you find him referring to a sexuality beyond hetersosexual it is logical to believe that he was not differentiating. Contemporary research will not dwell on Maslow. Even Rogerian has its limits as a theory. There are a multitude of more contemporary psychological theories exploring the psychology of the human mind. Any one referencing Freud, Jung or Maslow is using outdated knowledge that has long been discarded as valid. These may have been early researchers but the History of Psychology has long dismissed their validity. It is like using theories of the planets basing your study on 1100 AD theories about the world being flat.

    Bisexuality research is very rare. I understand that there is now a bisexual research centre in San Francisco. I'm not keeping up with the latest research on whether sex is a need. I do know that research has indicated that bisexuals have the highest rate of depression and thoughts of suicide. This indicates to me that a need is not being met for bisexuals. What needs are not yet researched. Based on my own personal research I find that some/many middle aged men in sexless marriages turn to same sex action. They may turn to it after divorce for a variety of reasons. Sex is a need for many men and both physiological and certainly psychological needs are met that way.

    Pairs counselling does not help a bisexual if the counsellor is not bisexual positive. I think that there is a place for individual counselling if one of the people refuse to attend.
    I think you do non-bisexuals a disservice if you assume their ignorance of bisexual issues prevents them from being able to interpret classical psychological models.

    And you needn't school me in psychology. I'd already said I don't care for Maslow (although Maslow, Freud, and Jung are far from irrelevant...flawed as early research tends to be, but all had significant contributions that remain relevant today).

    Biology research is indeed rare, and fluidity is indeed rarely if ever studied. But I can't believe that any serious research will ever find that sex of any kind is a physiological need. It feeds into psychological needs, absolutely, and yes, these needs not being met can lead to unfortunate behaviors, including suicide and depression, and including cheating on a spouse.

    I agree that couples counseling for bisexual issues should be led by a counselor who specializes in LGBT issues (preferably specializing in bisexual issues, if such can be found). And to me the whole equation changes if one in the couple refuses to participate in therapy. Individual counseling then becomes a near-must, and I become much more sympathetic to vow-breakages (as the refusal to participate in counseling suggests to me a lack of respect and lack of willingness to work together, and I consider it hypocritical to hold one person to vows of respect and partnership while the other person is not acting in kind).
    I hope my achievements in life shall be these: that I will have fought for what was right and fair, that I will have risked for that which mattered, that I will have given help to those who were in need...that I will have left the earth a better place for what I've done and who I've been. (C. Hoppe)

  26. #26

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Quote Originally Posted by Ja&Ve View Post
    Thank you void. Your eloquent defense and reminder of how everyone deserves respect is much appreciated. I genuinely enjoy the discussions here and really do want to help and understand. When a bi man comes here and asks how to deal with his straight wife, being able to give him perspective from a straight wife can be of value. I want to see these relationships succeed. I want to see people grow in love and understanding. It's why I have such issue with subterfuge and deception. People can't grow if they are lying to themselves and others. And I sincerely hope that this man and his wife can come to a loving understanding.
    Feel much the same as a bisexual man married to a straight wife. Eloquent it may have been, it was more than I have posted on here in around six months. His ideas were foul and warranted being told so. Think many here, appreciate the forum kept as open.

    Excuse me, time is running around yelling "fleet, fleet, fleet" again.

  27. #27

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Quote Originally Posted by Annika L View Post
    pushed the line into sexist dickiness.
    *reads and thinks "gee, I ought to try, maybe i get lucky and get a lap dance, free beer ...hurhn" ... looks at pencil on the table, nudges it inch by inch ... until it drops and lands on floor ... feigns having difficulty moving his arms* "Hey sugah, you get that fo' me?" *tries really diligently to not blush, wink with a smirk*

    *shakes noggin*

    If you turn an empty a pressure hose on me, I would deserve it. I meant the above in all good humor with no debasement at all intended. To give a bit of context I will offer a brief anecdote.

    Wife and I did laundry at a laundromat today. At our home we are in the process of a big landscaping project. We get in dump truck loads of dirt from a city/county project of expanding the city water line. Her brother-in-law is running a front end loader, moving the dirt around.

    At the laundromat we are regulars. We're regular enough so, we fetch the broom and scoop, clean up after ourselves. She was sweeping up the dirt which unavoidably got unto her shoes and tracked into the laundromat. I piped up, "wow, guess my mom was right. I married a dirty woman."

    She never missed a beat. "If I were you, I would talk. Seems I come by being dirty honest, living with a dirty old man." The attendant chuckled.

    "You guys keep it up, I'll toss you out."

    And so this was the sense I posted the above. I could not resist, being a dirty old man is a terrible affliction. And no, I'm not sure there is much shame left, if there is I will accept the wearing of it.
    Last edited by void(); Aug 17, 2014 at 9:09 PM.

  28. #28

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Quote Originally Posted by void() View Post
    ...
    *blink*
    I hope my achievements in life shall be these: that I will have fought for what was right and fair, that I will have risked for that which mattered, that I will have given help to those who were in need...that I will have left the earth a better place for what I've done and who I've been. (C. Hoppe)

  29. #29

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Quote Originally Posted by void() View Post
    Feel much the same as a bisexual man married to a straight wife. Eloquent it may have been, it was more than I have posted on here in around six months. His ideas were foul and warranted being told so. Think many here, appreciate the forum kept as open.

    Excuse me, time is running around yelling "fleet, fleet, fleet" again.
    i love seeing you post. Dont be a stranger luv.

  30. #30

    Re: bi guy looking for answers????

    Originally Posted by tenni
    I find that women on this site are more inclined to deny sex as a physiological need than men. That should not surprise many..

    Annika
    The last sentence would be clearer if I wrote that this should not surprise many men.

    I am sorry for using the wider word women. I meant heterosexual women. I can not speak of bisexual women or lesbians. Still, the basic message is that men will be more inclined to see sex as a physical need than hetero women based on my conversations with men who turn to other men when their wives are no longer interested in sex. That is not sexist. My conclusion may be erred but my research indicates this. It is self disclosure. Not all hetero women may act this way and not all men may remain sexually active as a physical need but a large percentage do well in to their 80's. Social conditioning may be involved for women in suppression of their physical sexual needs. Even men who suffer from dementia and have lost their awareness of their surrounding may be found to be masturbating. The term dirty old man comes to mind..lol If people want to argue against this point about sex as a physical need in men but not necessarily for women, go for it.

    As far as the poster not understanding basic psychology I am referring to one poster to argues against sex a a basic need. She is not the first to argue this point about survival and used Maslow to argue that sex is not a physical need. The other person who made this survival argument was also a heterosexual female with strong posting opinions. Co incidence?
    Survival is one thing. A need to be happy and healthy is another point. I know that you are knowledgeable about such things.

    btw Maslow published his first paper on his hierarchy of needs in 1943. In 1943, I believe that same sex activity was seen as a mental illness that needed remediation and placement in a psychiatric hospital where electro shock treatments was used on homosexuals. Bisexuals were probably ignored and seen as suffering from the same homosexual illness in 1943 by most such institutions. Probably same sex activity would not have been seen as a need by Maslow but a deviant illness in 1943. Anyone using the Maslow document needs to be more inclusive and base their statement historically. If Maslow or any contemporary researcher discussed Maslow's hierarchy today, there would be greater and wider inclusion of more sexualities than heterosexual.

    I'm sorry OP if we have deviated from your need to know.
    Last edited by tenni; Aug 18, 2014 at 11:55 AM.

 

 

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