bi guy looking for answers????

[AnnaD31]

Tenni, you write like heterosexual women do not like sex. Women like sex, just the same as men. There are some women who are more sexual than others, just like there are men who are more sexual than others. Also, for many women sex is tied to emotion as well. If my emotional needs are not being met by my partner, no, I am not as interested in being intimate. Stress, children, exhaustion, etc are also reasons to be less interested in sex. This is something to be faulted? Should only one person take the blame for this? I think not. What if your lover is selfish? Is sex enjoyable for both partners? What if it isn't? Would you want to have sex if you didn't enjoy yourself? To assume that it is only heterosexual women who are not interested in sex is discriminatory and sexist.

As for women "losing interest" in sex, I have noticed this seems to be a complaint of men in their 50s-60s, and I assume their wives are close to the same age. Women go through menopause. Our bodies stop producing estrogen. We are physically unable to become aroused, or it is much more difficult than when we are younger. It is not just about "losing interest". Liken this to erectile dysfunction in men. How can you have sex if you can't "get it up"? Yes, there are hormones. Do they always work? Do meds for ED always work? No. Not to mention that synthetic hormones increase the risk of cancer, stroke, and other medical conditions, so for for some women it is not worth the risk. It is incredibly unfair to assume it is the woman's "fault" her body has failed her, and she is not able to have sex. It also doesn't mean she doesn't still want sex. We feel just as inadequate and worthless sexually as a man with ED, but many women may also feel shame, and so do not voice this. It is unfair to say that men need sex physically, and since she can't get it up, he should be allowed to go elsewhere. If he had age-related ED, would it be acceptable for her to go outside the marriage? What about early menopause? A friend of mine went through menopause at the age of 30. Imagine not being able to "get it up" when you are supposed to be at your sexual prime, how it would affect your self worth. Now add to it that your partner places such importance on physical gratification that he/she will not stand by you during this time. Ouch. I haven't even touched on the psychological affects that aging has on women vs men, and how it can affect sexual libido.

We get married so we have a companion to grow old with and share our lives with. Unless you have said to each other "if I can't have sex anymore, please feel free to go outside the marriage", at some point the sex will end in your marriage. We all get old. It is insulting to say that because a woman's body may fail her before a man's fails him, it is not only ok, but justified that the man seek sex elsewhere. Why bother getting married at all, really. Also, I work with the elderly, I am an RN. For many elderly couples, the sex stops. It's life and a part of aging. All people grow old and our bodies sometimes fail us, regardless of whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, monogamous or polyamourous. Life is so much more than sex.

[void()]

i love seeing you post. Dont be a stranger luv.

I seem to come and go. No pun intended in that, despite the obvious one there.
Life creates its own interludes for its own causes.

[void()]

Life is so much more than sex.

Golly gee! You think? *smirking*

*ducks inbound bedpans*

Sorry, my wife charges admission for my ass. It does do funny tricks. :P

[void()]

<snipage> I am sorry for using the wider word women. I meant heterosexual women.

Hey tenni! You suck cock!

P.S.

Yes I know it seems childish and taunting, even obvious. Sort of the point though in expressing it.
Quit taking it all too seriously. The biggest joke to life? None of us get alive. So, also try stopping
creation of division. And yes, I know what I mentioned to you privately. That is another matter and involves a different frame of context. Yes it is the same core context, there is I think we agree a different subtext.

What I mean is ultimately, all people are people. We all deserve happiness, love, freedom, to be free of debasing and degrading. What I mentioned privately, shall be soon taking care of itself. Too many can see that dark horse as being what it is, and are engaged in if not eliminating it, curbing it to be reasonable. Division, even in minor forms, leads to furthering hate.

Division is also the way of the coward. It takes courage to be vulnerable and love, accept, forgive. Division is a tool used by fear to enshroud the ant of cowardice in the skin of a lion. Fortunately, many in the world are seeing the ruse for being a ruse, a paper dragon. So come on, hop over to the light. I got plenty of candles to pass out. Who knows? We might blind the sun if we get enough lit.

[tenni]

re: post 31
Anna
I have just skimmed over your previous posts and now understand why you have come to this site. However, you are expressing your opinion of me (name calling labelling etc.) and bisexuality at the same time as claiming to want to understand bisexuality? I find it strange that you come here to learn and then set yourself up to decide what needs bisexual men have. If the OP says he needs same sex play accept that as a need for some biguys. I can understand how it might make you feel uncomfortable though.

I am a mature bisexual man. You are a young heterosexual woman who has just been informed about her bisexual husband identity. There are a wide range of men who identify as bisexual. So many variations that it is likely more than one sexuality. What we are not is monosexual like yourself. We have a gift of attraction to both genders and some even are attracted to those in between genders. When I read some comments and find the guy has listed himself as a 2 on Kinsey I can understand how he can be happy in a cross gender relationship and have little need to have same sex experience. That is not what the OP of this thread is stating that he is. He has stated that his need to be sexual with other men is at the core of his identity. It may be wiser to ask the OP questions on his needs rather than arguing about needs (of biguys).

Your husband has his own journey and fluidity of attraction is a very important thing for you to be aware of when it comes to bisexuality. Bisexuals attraction changes throughout their lifetime and should be aware that their attraction to men and women will probably change over time. Those who are new at discovering their sexuality and young seem to report the swing can happen several times a day. His sexual attraction swing probably will not affect his love for you. Overtime the pendulum swings less frequently and less severely. The sexual needs of a bisexual change. Some bisexuals like myself have attraction both sexually and emotionally to both genders. I don't recall being aware of this emotional attraction to men in my twenties and thirties. Some biguys have only a same sex attraction and no emotional attraction. Will they change over time? Maybe, maybe not. The intensity has changed over time as well. The need and gender has changed and I need to be open to this. I've been in love with both women and men. It is amusing at this point when my head turns quickly to look at women or men. Some newly aware bisexuals can be very stressed by the shift and men can mix it up with masculinity identity.

Yes, women, like men have varying degrees of sexual activity at varying points in their lives. This thread is not about sexual activity of women though. The thread is about a bisexual man with a need for same sex and a wife who is in denial of his sexual (emotional?) needs for both genders. Some women are very interested in sex. Generally, men tend to be sexually expressive in to their sixties and beyond but not all men are going to want sex until death. Some women are not interested in sex any longer for a variety of reasons while the man is still interested. I was not referring to all women. (you seem to have a tendency to blanket to all?)

At 29, wait and see what changes that you may or may not go through. One day you may discover an interest in women as well as men.who knows. You can have a happy marriage with a bisexual if you are open to change. Communicate and set any rules of his play with other men if he feels that need. He may be completely happy in a monogamous relationship but I would not expect it. I'm sure that you have read such comments like this on this site. Good fortune in your search.

[2bi2Bboring]

Yes, dear OP, do forgive us for hi jacking your thread. Apologies! We realize you can't just turn it off like a switch, it's apart of you. Some will argue you've made your bed, now you have to lay in it. But changing the rules halfway into the game is bad form. It makes for some animosity and resentment, if left untended!it will fester. You'll need to communicate effectively, talk to her, plan out what you want to say, this will require some premeditation on your part. Most of all, even as important as what you have to say is,you need to LISTEN TO HER! Find out her concerns, her fears, why she has changed her tune. Reassure her that she is the one you love, sex can involve love,but it also doesn't have to, sometimes sex is just sex. Women often have a problem dissociating sex from love, where me are often more pragmatic about sex. That not meant to sound sexist, it is an inconvenient truth. It makes men often seem cold or unfeeling to women, because that dissociation exists for men. We can justify it, saying, "it was just sex", women are far more emotionally involved in the act. Some women can disconnect the act from the emotion and just enjoy sex as a recreational pursuit, others, not so much. No matter which flavor of girl you have on your hands, you'll need to make your relationship secure in order to be able to play in an extracurricular capacity. Most likely, this won't be a overnight change, it will take work and time. It will take effective communication, don't let emotion make you say things you'll regret. You can't solve emotional problems emotionally, you have to solve them logically. More emotion just makes the problem spin out of control and makes for hurt feelings. Be loving, be understanding, but also be understood. Good luck




I brought up Maslow, we seem to be stuck on Maslow. When Maslow was explained to me, it was in the context that NEED is something the BODY compels the being to do. Eating is something the body compels you to do, so is sleep, defecation, urination, breathing, and other bodily functions. Physiological needs are those that the body compels us to do to survive. Sex is something the body compels you to do. We have sexual tastes in the same way we have culinary tastes, eating is a bodily compulsion, eating well is creative expression. Sex is much the same, but when we are denied our sexual tastes, we form mental compulsions. Sexual repression is damaging to the human psyche. Making a person feel immoral or dirty for expressing their sexual needs can lead to mental illness. I can site numerous cases where sexual repression led to criminally insane behavior. It's possible, not all cases are that extreme,most aren't in fact, but usually there is some form of abuse involved as well in such extreme cases. I wouldn't argue that sex is necessary for survival like eating, but I would argue that humans are social animals. That social nature is so deeply ingrained in us that sexual urges are compulsory to the preservation of the human social dynamic.


Our bodies compel us to have sex, we get horny, that is physiological need. Then the mind enters the picture, our basic need to have sex is transformed in the mind to an endless set of desires. Our minds change the physiological need to a matter of taste. Humans can sexualize nearly anything, we fetishize inanimate objects to the point of obsessive compulsion. A knothole in a tree or one of it's limbs can be sexualized given the proper shape. We have a nearly infinite capacity to project sexual thought onto whatever seems to be handy. Don't believe me, ask an ER nurse about what is then strangest object they have ever seen inserted into the human body. This strange proclivity for creative sexual expression leads to some predicaments that would boggle the mind. All of this is due to the lack of a willing sex partner. We yearn to find just one person who understands us, someone who can fill the void created by sexual need. The lengths we will go to in the absence of that person are nearly endless.


You can argue all you want that sexual expression isn't a need, I would give evidence to the contrary. Realdolls, sex machines, an endless variety of phallic substitutes, vaginal substitutes, clothing, equipment, furniture, ad infinitum, suggest otherwise. There are few other pursuits in life we are willing to go to such extreme measures to fulfill. Denial is fighting the urge fulfill one of our strongest desires, we can no more fight it than a salmon can fight the urge to swim upstream. Evolution gave us a higher functioning brain, those higher functions extend to sexual expression. Deny it if you will, it doesn't really eliminate the urge to do it though, does it?

[Annika L]

We realize you can't just turn it off like a switch, it's apart of you. Some will argue you've made your bed, now you have to lay in it. But changing the rules halfway into the game is bad form. It makes for some animosity and resentment, if left untended!it will fester. You'll need to communicate effectively, talk to her, plan out what you want to say, this will require some premeditation on your part. Most of all, even as important as what you have to say is,you need to LISTEN TO HER! Find out her concerns, her fears, why she has changed her tune. Reassure her that she is the one you love, sex can involve love,but it also doesn't have to, sometimes sex is just sex. Women often have a problem dissociating sex from love, where me are often more pragmatic about sex. That not meant to sound sexist, it is an inconvenient truth. It makes men often seem cold or unfeeling to women, because that dissociation exists for men. We can justify it, saying, "it was just sex", women are far more emotionally involved in the act. Some women can disconnect the act from the emotion and just enjoy sex as a recreational pursuit, others, not so much. No matter which flavor of girl you have on your hands, you'll need to make your relationship secure in order to be able to play in an extracurricular capacity. Most likely, this won't be a overnight change, it will take work and time. It will take effective communication, don't let emotion make you say things you'll regret. You can't solve emotional problems emotionally, you have to solve them logically. More emotion just makes the problem spin out of control and makes for hurt feelings. Be loving, be understanding, but also be understood. Good luck

I think I love everything about this paragraph. All good stuff to consider. Do ask yourself...supposing she *can't* separate love from sex, but is willing to let you have sex with guys if she can have sex with other guys too...how would you feel about that (especially in the context of the emotional component sex has for her)? Just something to consider.

We let ourselves get distracted by semantics regarding Maslow. Let's forget for a moment the question of what Maslow meant by "need" or "physiological need". I think we *all* agree that sexual expression plays an important role in self actualization, right? I think 2bi2 brings up excellent points regarding this importance. You can say (and I maintain) "you won't die without it"...but I wouldn't deny for a moment that its lack can sure as hell make you miserable! And the "it" in that sentence can be sex at all, or any form of sex that is appealing to you that preys on your mind...it can be doggie style, woman astride, oral sex, anal sex, or *eep* sex with someone of your own sex (and any/all of the variations that that can entail). Any of these that a person wants is more than a hankering for broccoli or a chocolate cupcake...it is primal. They won't die without it, but damn it, yes, it's lack is felt and decreases the quality of their life, and generally emerges in other sublimated ways...and if those alternate ways are also squelched things just get even more twisted up.

So OP and Anna, yes, talk...there's loads to talk about. But don't talk with fear...talk with a genuine desire to understand what the real needs are on both sides; and I say don't talk with fear...but DO talk *about* the fears on both sides, because those are real too, and are important too. You can say that many men can separate love from sex...but some can't...and it would be a hell of a thing to find that out through thoughtless open-minded experimentation, especially after you've spend so much time on communication and acceptance.

[2bi2Bboring]

Yes, dear OP, do forgive us for hi jacking your thread. Apologies! We realize you can't just turn it off like a switch, it's apart of you. Some will argue you've made your bed, now you have to lay in it. But changing the rules halfway into the game is bad form. It makes for some animosity and resentment, if left untended!it will fester. You'll need to communicate effectively, talk to her, plan out what you want to say, this will require some premeditation on your part. Most of all, even as important as what you have to say is,you need to LISTEN TO HER! Find out her concerns, her fears, why she has changed her tune. Reassure her that she is the one you love, sex can involve love,but it also doesn't have to, sometimes sex is just sex. Women often have a problem dissociating sex from love, where me are often more pragmatic about sex. That not meant to sound sexist, it is an inconvenient truth. It makes men often seem cold or unfeeling to women, because that dissociation exists for men. We can justify it, saying, "it was just sex", women are far more emotionally involved in the act. Some women can disconnect the act from the emotion and just enjoy sex as a recreational pursuit, others, not so much. No matter which flavor of girl you have on your hands, you'll need to make your relationship secure in order to be able to play in an extracurricular capacity. Most likely, this won't be a overnight change, it will take work and time. It will take effective communication, don't let emotion make you say things you'll regret. You can't solve emotional problems emotionally, you have to solve them logically. More emotion just makes the problem spin out of control and makes for hurt feelings. Be loving, be understanding, but also be understood. Good luck




I brought up Maslow, we seem to be stuck on Maslow. When Maslow was explained to me, it was in the context that NEED is something the BODY compels the being to do. Eating is something the body compels you to do, so is sleep, defecation, urination, breathing, and other bodily functions. Physiological needs are those that the body compels us to do to survive. Sex is something the body compels you to do. We have sexual tastes in the same way we have culinary tastes, eating is a bodily compulsion, eating well is creative expression. Sex is much the same, but when we are denied our sexual tastes, we form mental compulsions. Sexual repression is damaging to the human psyche. Making a person feel immoral or dirty for expressing their sexual needs can lead to mental illness. I can site numerous cases where sexual repression led to criminally insane behavior. It's possible, not all cases are that extreme,most aren't in fact, but usually there is some form of abuse involved as well in such extreme cases. I wouldn't argue that sex is necessary for survival like eating, but I would argue that humans are social animals. That social nature is so deeply ingrained in us that sexual urges are compulsory to the preservation of the human social dynamic.


Our bodies compel us to have sex, we get horny, that is physiological need. Then the mind enters the picture, our basic need to have sex is transformed in the mind to an endless set of desires. Our minds change the physiological need to a matter of taste. Humans can sexualize nearly anything, we fetishize inanimate objects to the point of obsessive compulsion. A knothole in a tree or one of it's limbs can be sexualized given the proper shape. We have a nearly infinite capacity to project sexual thought onto whatever seems to be handy. Don't believe me, ask an ER nurse about what is then strangest object they have ever seen inserted into the human body. This strange proclivity for creative sexual expression leads to some predicaments that would boggle the mind. All of this is due to the lack of a willing sex partner. We yearn to find just one person who understands us, someone who can fill the void created by sexual need. The lengths we will go to in the absence of that person are nearly endless.


You can argue all you want that sexual expression isn't a need, I would give evidence to the contrary. Realdolls, sex machines, an endless variety of phallic substitutes, vaginal substitutes, clothing, equipment, furniture, ad infinitum, suggest otherwise. There are few other pursuits in life we are willing to go to such extreme measures to fulfill. Denial is fighting the urge fulfill one of our strongest desires, we can no more fight it than a salmon can fight the urge to swim upstream. Evolution gave us a higher functioning brain, those higher functions extend to sexual expression. Deny it if you will, it doesn't really eliminate the urge though, does it?

[Annika L]

Hmmm, 2bi2...not sure why you re-posted, but wanted to be sure this didn't get buried between your identical posts:

I think I love everything about this [2bi2's first] paragraph. All good stuff to consider. Do ask yourself...supposing she *can't* separate love from sex, but is willing to let you have sex with guys if she can have sex with other guys too...how would you feel about that (especially in the context of the emotional component sex has for her)? Just something to consider.

We let ourselves get distracted by semantics regarding Maslow. Let's forget for a moment the question of what Maslow meant by "need" or "physiological need". I think we *all* agree that sexual expression plays an important role in self actualization, right? I think 2bi2 brings up excellent points regarding this importance. You can say (and I maintain) "you won't die without it"...but I wouldn't deny for a moment that its lack can sure as hell make you miserable! And the "it" in that sentence can be sex at all, or any form of sex that is appealing to you that preys on your mind...it can be doggie style, woman astride, oral sex, anal sex, or *eep* sex with someone of your own sex (and any/all of the variations that that can entail). Any of these that a person wants is more than a hankering for broccoli or a chocolate cupcake...it is primal. They won't die without it, but damn it, yes, it's lack is felt and decreases the quality of their life, and generally emerges in other sublimated ways...and if those alternate ways are also squelched things just get even more twisted up.

So OP and Anna, yes, talk...there's loads to talk about. But don't talk with fear...talk with a genuine desire to understand what the real needs are on both sides; and I say don't talk with fear...but DO talk *about* the fears on both sides, because those are real too, and are important too. You can say that many men can separate love from sex...but some can't...and it would be a hell of a thing to find that out through thoughtless open-minded experimentation, especially after you've spend so much time on communication and acceptance.

[tenni]

In post 13, the OP states

"And every time we talk about it some how ends up in a fight i just want to be me i hate hiding like she wants me to."

" I just want to be free to be me is all not sure what that involves yet."

"I asked her before we got married if I would have to change me being bi she said no."

"Then I put a ring on her finger and now its totally changed she wants to change me but its apart of me that I can't change...."

I think that some poster are not getting what this is about.
It is about a heterosexual wife demanding that the bisexual man hide his sexuality and not talk about it. She wants to change him to be a heterosexual man. She seems to believe that this is possible.

Bisexuals do not need heterosexuals' approval to be themselves ....bisexual. We need bisexuals, gays and any heterosexual stating that the OP should be who he is. If he feels that he wants to talk about being a bisexual, his wife should be proud of him. She isn't. She is trying to be controlling to hide her shame and put shame on to him. Where are the condemnation postings about this married heterosexual woman's behaviour?

Calling a spade a spade, .....
She is a biphobic person and we should identify her as such. This is not just a heterosexual woman who is uncomfortable but denies bisexuality as a decent and appropriate way to exist. Communication will only work if she is willing to communicate her fears and is open to changing her behaviour and thinking about bisexuality. Like trying to change the attitudes of most bigots, I do not think that this will be an easy person to communicate with.

[oralydriven]

My 2 cents.I think that sex is a basic need.As much as needing love,or companionship or friendship.And I'll also say this,from personal experience & observation.No it's not scientific,but so what? Many women seem to think that they can change a man when they get attached (married or living together) it is not true.if a man has certain ideas & philosophies,he will not change,after the move in or marriage.If a man's going to change,he'll do it on his own,before any marriage or live-in situation,ONLY!

[2bi2Bboring]

Sorry for the repost, I wasn't sure it had posted the first time at all, apologies

[2bi2Bboring]

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. I think Tenni is right here, one can only lead a person so far down a path they aren't willing to walk down. It makes for a difficult situation, being at odds with a spouse over sexual issues. Especially when they misrepresented their point of view in order to continue the relationship in the first place. If this were a business situation, there would be lawyers involved for breach of contract. Issues of this nature are difficult at best when a partner is receptive let alone when one is willing to deceive the other partner. You sir, have been trapped, lured in and the door slammed shut behind you.

In my first marriage I dealt with a situation where I disclosed my sexual preferences, I was degraded and berated for them. I was threatened and denied sex within the relationship. I was shamed for my sexuality, and when the relationship digressed to infidelity on her part, it was little surprise. It mattered little that I was a good provider or was in marital counseling with her for over 5 years. I was willing to do what was necessary to remain in the relationship, she simply was not. There simply came a point where I reached my limit, I booted her out and filed for divorce. Still even afterward she maintained she didn't want a divorce, but she wasn't willing to take responsibility for her actions. I had never cheated, even in situations where I could have easily done it without her ever finding out. But once I reached my limit, I was DONE. I never looked back, and went on with my life without her. The very first relationship I had was with a TG girl, whom I met not long after my ex and I separated. I was happy for the first time in years.

Being in the wrong relationship is hurtful, it will drag you down and hurt your psyche. I would at least make an attempt to communicate with her, if she is unwilling, then it's time to get a lawyer before she ends up trapping you further with children. Being true to yourself is far more important than preserving a relationship that was ill-fated to begin with. In the end life is about being happy, if it doesn't make you happy, simply don't do it, or don't do it any more. Yes, it will require you to upset your life, divorce does that. But being divorced and happy with yourself is a far sight better of a life than being trapped in an unhappy marriage with the wrong person. You simply do not have to put up with someone willing to lie to you. You've done the right thing in coming and asking for advice, my advice is give her one more shot at communication. If she balks, cut her loose! There are some situations where even effective communication fails to rectify the problem., this may be one of those. Reality can be a bitch, and all the best intentions in the world won't change reality.

We can't defend the actions of all bisexuals, not all bisexuals behave with good intent in mind. Some are selfish and behave badly. We have to be honest with ourselves and own that. Not all heterosexuals behave with good intent, some are selfish and behave badly too. We have to be honest there as well and decide we don't have to be the victim of their manipulation. Sometimes we make bad choices for a partner, owning the fact we made a bad choice is hard to swallow but necessary. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence here, even being alone and being free to make your own choices is better than being in a bad relationship.

[Annika L]

Ok, tenni and 2bi2, let's just slow down...we all know there are two sides to every story and we're only hearing one.

The OP has not actually told us much...kind of a vague outline of a problem. I see where tenni gets his notions from the quotes he highlights...but there are questions that niggle at my mind:

>>my wife knew i was bi before we got married. And now she is trying to change me asking me why I go on sites and talk to guys

Asking why he goes on sites talking to (presumably bi/gay) guys does not constitute trying to change a person...it's a valid concern/curiosity. Has she directly asked the OP not to "be bisexual" anymore? (If she has, then she's pretty ignorant, but be that as it may....) Is her problem with him just *talking* to guys? (does she question his right to talk to guys at work, say?) Or did she catch him cybering with a guy and is scared of what that means, is hurt by a breakage in the marriage vows, and wants to understand what's going on?

>> I asked her before we got married if I would have to change me being bi she said no. Then I put a ring on her finger and now its totally changed she wants to change me

Ok, she "knew the OP was bi"...she said he wouldn't have to change this. But what was her understanding of what this meant, and what was his understanding of what this meant? To some "I'm bi" means "I'm attracted to both men and women" (that's what it means to me and seemingly to the majority of people who know about bisexuality. But to some it means "I have sex with men and women." If he meant the latter but she understood the former, then I can see a serious communication disconnect. I mean seriously...why should she need to demand he change his bisexuality? (How *could* he change this??) Why should she care if he's attracted to men and women? But he was committing to marriage, and thus to monogamy (unless there was some other explicit understanding)...so no, he needn't change his sexuality...but she expects him to abide by his friggin' vows. *That* situation doesn't sound biphobic to me at all...at worst it sounds realistically uneducated about the reality of bisexuals, and who could blame her for that?

So far, it sounds like *possible* bad communication and differing expectations.

Now the parts that concern me are:

>> i just want to be me i hate hiding like she wants me to.

Has she specifically asked the OP to hide? Or has she just asked him to stop cybering with guys? There's a big difference. You can wear your bi-pride shirt, talk about your bisexuality, etc., and still honor your wedding vows. But if she's actually saying she doesn't want the OP to talk about his sexuality with anyone, then that's crossing a line and does sound bi/homophobic. But from what's been posted, I'm not sure what the situation really is.

And then there's the real (for me) deal-breaker:

>> I have thought about counceling. And every time we talk about it some how ends up in a fight

Well, first question (I can certainly see why communication is an issue in this relationship): does "it" in that sentence refer to counseling? Or to the OP's bisexuality? If even talking about counseling leads to conflict, then there's a serious problem...she would appear not to be open to resolving the issue (or maybe she has prior bad experience with counseling? I dunno). I'd say set up counseling for yourself and then work out a way to invite her. BUT, if it's just talking about bisexuality that's leading to fights, then you definitely need to suggest couples counseling...you need someone who can bridge this communication gap and help make sure that the messages between you are clear.

If the OP would post some clarifications, it could help us understand the situation a bit better and offer better advice. But before I can jump on the "she's an evil biphobic bitch" bandwagon, I need some real information. It's too easy to interpret what's given to serve whatever narrative the reader wants to serve.

[void()]

Like trying to change the attitudes of most bigots, I do not think that this will be an easy person to communicate with.

Some of us decide after quite a few tries, it is better not changing the
attitudes of bigots. We realize at a point that you are only responsible
for you & others are responsible for themselves. All that remains is
step aside, allow the train to pass on its inevitable derailing. In
calling a spade a spade, we can then say a wreck is a wreck.

[tenni]

Annika
To each their own. I see your points but I think that you are over analysing. Whether it is counselling or his bisexuality that she refuses to discuss, it is a huge problem.

I believe tho woman is biphobic. You are not convinced but look how long it took for biphobia to be even raised as a possibility. This is about his identity as a bisexual. Isaw that early on in this thread. Instead we have had a bees nest of challenging bisexual men's needs for sex... Most me will go to a porn site regardless of their sexuality. If she questions why he goes there I don't think that she knows much about men..lol As a bisexual man, he wants an outlet for his same sex desires. His profile states that he wants to talk only (maybe a wank too?

I agree that he should discuss this with her but she seems closed down as far as honest communication.

Focus on the key comments rather than questioning the unspoken. Maybe, he will answer your questions. He was on this site yesterday but chose not to comment on this thread. This is the 46th post and I think that only two are from him.