I am a Bi married (to a woman) male, and have fallen in love with a man. My wife knows about my orientation and insists that I can be monogamous with her, even though I'd like to cultivate both of these relationships. Does anyone have any experience in this area? Do these arrangements ever work out, or does one really just have to choose?
in 1950, I proposed to my wife. BUT, before I did we had a long, long talk. Both of us were quite sexually active, and I suspected that my wife might find some "company" over the period of the marriage. So I took a deep breath and admitted my bisexuality to her and that I had a boyfriend and IF we married I would continue to have sex with him, and in all fairness if she met someone she wanted to fuck, the had the same freedom. Only boundaries, DO NOT ever embarrass nor humiliate me. I would not be cuckolded but would never judge her behavior. WE married, and after 53 years, 3 month, 10 days, and 11 and 1/2 she died from lung cancer...(damned cigarettes.) We never questioned, but shared stories of some of our more enjoyable sex....and always after one had been on a day, we would meet in the middle of the bed and have the greatest "reclaiming sex," ever....and I got the bonus of fucking in whoever she had been with and left the gift of cum...so yes it can work...but every day you are in a marriage, it becomes more and more difficult to share and work out the issues to everyone's satisfaction.
What does being bisexual have to do with it? If it wer a wife and a female lover, would that work? Being faithful to your wife is totally different than being bi. Would you cheat on her with another woman? That is your answer. I will not pass judgement on whatever that answer is but it is no difference between cheating with a man or another woman. You swore to be faithful. Are you a man of your word or not?
You have to be careful in multi-partner relationships, it's easy for someone to feel slighted or left out. Attention and time are divided between two persons rather than focused on one. These kinds of relationships work best when ALL are AT LEAST friends, meaning it's harder when the dynamic is two separate relationships rather than one that all are involved in. As the pivotal party you have to work harder to make sure that resentment and jealousy are kept in check. Those emotions are the death knell of such relationships, keeping them at bay is the most difficult part of maintaining such a situation. One party cannot be made to feel less important or less loved than the other. Remember, actions speak louder than words, if you're going to spend a whole weekend with your lover alone, you should make time for your wife so she doesn't feel slighted. Do special things for her, give of yourself. Make her feel she is important to you so your foundational relationship is secure and she feels fulfilled. THEN you can spend time with your lover and not jeopardize your relationship with your wife. This is definitely twice the work, but it has great rewards if you are careful and have your ducks in a row. In all of this, you have to remember, your wife is your primary relationship, and she can never be made to feel less important. In the excitement of a new relationship, it's easy to get carried away and forget that there is someone who is waiting at home for you. That has to be ever-present in your mind.
The other thing to remember is to communicate openly, honestly ,and effectively with everyone. No hidden agendas,no secrets, no colluding behind one partners back to be with the other. Unless you can communicate your feelings, your needs and balance that with the needs of your partner(s) then this will be a slippery slope. You'll need to find out what your partners comfort levels are about information to do with the "other" relationship. Some spouses are all about hearing every sordid detail, others want to be generally informed without hearing all the juicy bits. In those situations, a balance has to be struck so that no one gets their toes stepped on by not being informed about important things, but still omitting all the things that make them feel uncomfortable.
This will be work, no doubt about it. This is where you separate the men from the boys, so to speak. You have to be calm and collected and not let emotion carry you to places you don't want to go. Be careful and respectful in your conversations about this. It's easy for people to infer things you don't mean or didn't say. Women are far more threatened by emotional infidelity than sexual infidelity. Unless you can convince her that you loving someone else doesn't diminish your love for her, you may be jeopardizing your primary relationship. Good luck, I wish you all the luck in the world. I hope this works out for you.
I think it's going to depend ultimately on her, and whether she wants to deal with that. If my husband fell in love with anyone else, I'd be devastated, but that's just me. 2bi2bboring said it best. He's a smart man.
I think 2bi2Bboring missed the mark on this one. The OP plainly stated his wifes position already "My wife knows about my orientation and insists that I can be monogamous with her". Uh, that's fairly clear. The wifey has made her position clear. There is no " if you're going to spend a whole weekend with your lover alone, you should make time for your wife so she doesn't feel slighted".
The OP basically asked if he can cheat on his wife with his boyfriend and make it work.
It can and will work if 1) the wife changes her mind and decides to tolerate him cheating, or 2) she is just plain stupid and 3) the b/f doesn't decide he wants to be #1 in his lovers life and leaves for someone he doesn't have to watch go home to the wife.
One doesn't ALWAYS have to choose....but it seems YOU do.Originally Posted by LongOverdue
Hey Longoverdue...your post doesn't really say if this would be 2 completely separate relationships or if you are hoping for something more poly, or maybe just everyone knowing everyone and knowing what is going on but you being the only common denominator. I'd like to hear more of the situation you are hoping to achieve.
I'm not sure. The one thing that I noticed among other was to refer to a "primary relationship". I see that as falling in line with monosexuals. I think that approach can work if emotion is not involved and it is more sexual. When emotion becomes involved then this idea that one relationship needs to be a priority seems to come in to people's minds. That seems like it would damn an equal love for a man and a woman. I know of gay men and bisexuals who have multi partners and so it is not really restricted to bisexuals but it makes the most sense to have a partner of each gender as a bisexual imo. Jealousy and possessiveness need to be dealt with.
Sexuality really is not the issue .
It's the "two relationships at once" bit! Okay, maybe now and then, but the smart money says, it just doesn't work. Which one becomes "the affair?"
You asked: "Do these arrangements ever work out, or does one really just have to choose?"
Yes, SOMETIMES these situations do work out as you'd hope, but I think they most often fail!
This is not a recommendation, advice, or attempt to suggest the following was a good choice of action:
During my 2nd marriage, which lasted 23 years, I found myself tempted beyond my resistance level and cheated with both genders. Only once before, in my teens, did I cheat. (That didn't turn out well) I've been married 3 times and didn't cheat on wife number one, or three....nor have I cheated when I was in any other relationships.
However.....once I began to cheat, things began to snowball and it became much easier to continue, than quit!
You didn't say you would cheat, was thinking of it, or planning to, but for me my cheating was like a train-wreck....very difficult to stop. I would NOT recommend it!
Several replies posted above suggested that you should reveal your desires to your wife. That is the honest thing to do and the route I would take, if I had to to do all over again. At least my wife would have been given choices and could have made her own decisions regarding what she wanted to do.
Back then, I chose to begin a covert relationship....which lead to another, then another. Over a period of over 20 years I had some of the most interesting and sexually fulfilling relationships, ever. But, the experiences were soiled.......I soon became paranoid, looking over my shoulders, worrying about hurting my wife, family, and friends, if they found out. I began to weigh on my mind and soul. The lying and cheating became a huge burden on me, even though my wife never had a clue.
Finally, my actions became such a burden to me that I had to get out. I realized my wife would never accept my bisexuality, or cheating, so I divorced her. I lost all I'd worked for up to that time. The pain and sorrow my actions caused were something I'd never considered......... even today, many years later, I regret my actions and ashamed for what I did.
If I were you (after living through all the above) I'd suggest that you bite the bullet and begin a dialog with your wife, to slowly build up to telling her your desires. You better be able to deal with the possibilities, though. Only you know if she might accept what you propose, or slam the door on your relationship. Ask yourself, if it's worth leaving your family to play! Be prepared for any number of scenarios that could take place.
She may react in numerous ways, resulting in your present dynamics to morph into something you can both live with, or the marriage could come to an abrupt halt! Maybe she will reject your proposal, never allowing you to experiment, or any number of other alternatives. Maybe she will tell you to spread your wings.......but, most reactions may not be what you'd wish for!
HAVING SAID THE ABOVE.........I now have a bisexual GF, who understands my bisexuality. We've been together for 6 years, now. I also have a BF, who she has met and accepts. Everything is above board and out in the open, there are no secrets between us and the feeling of peace is rewarding.
Unless I knew I could have this type of relationship, I would have never cheated on her........ I've learned my lesson!
You should do what is best for you and what your conscience can deal with.
Good luck with whatever your choices may be!
Last edited by Realist; Aug 8, 2014 at 9:28 AM.
Yes... sometimes.. depends on the person... whatever the sexuality... but think it through ver carefully b4 jumping in with both feet.. cos it can also b catastrophic..
Do not think so little of me as to grant me your tolerance. Allow me your acceptance and understanding of who and what I am with the love, respect and dignity with which I do you.
If you are married or in a partnership and you have hopes of a 3rd person (either a woman or man), living with you and staying together with them, or even staying with your longterm partner or wife/husband then you're setting yourself up for disaster and someone will get hurt, jealous, or feel left out and both relationships will end.
Now if you are just casually dating or sleeping with both a woman and a man, have sex with each other separately, you don't live with either of them, and you're out to both of them then yes that can work.
Short response, yes sometimes it can work out, even extremely well. Elaborating a bit further, sometimes it requires a small bit of juggling. Communication is always a vital aspect to any relationship ventures. One caution, if communication or trust cease being involved, brace for an ending.
There are of course exceptions to that caution. Me & elian do not communicate as much recently. We both find life draws us respectively in varied directions, both in work and socially. We both are also a bit of the introverted personality types, meaning we each can respectively hole up inside our selves for days, weeks, (gasp) years at a time. *chuckles* And we both understand it is never really "oh my gosh, I pissed him off and he's done with me".
I will love him even beyond that silly thing called death, the same as I will also love my wife. At times it frustrates he and I do not live nearer. All the spiritual and fuzzy good feelings of love are great and such, still it would be nice to just walk into the next room and merely cuddle with him. Then, of course is the frustration of the testicles, which he and the wife both are keen to inflict at times. *shaking his noggin* Darn gals, I tell you what if I didn't love them so, I might just run off and join a circus.
Hm, sounds similar to how we do things. Wife lets me go off with him. Well, not really lets because I think between the three of us is an understanding in which love / sex does not imply ownership. I let my wife enjoy extra lovers if she chooses as well. We have our guidelines though. Nobody wants to see anyone else hurt, or to be hurt themselves.
Though I suppose if we drew things inward to a home situation there could be some aspects of inconveniences. Not had experience in that yet. I think though if everyone involved cooperated, communicated things may do okay. Then again, I may be being a tad naive from the sounds of things.
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks