trying to accomadate my bi husband

**northwestmidwest** · Jul 30, 2014, 5:12 PM

i always knew i was capable of loving more than one man, but never took my ideas seriously because; #1 what woman can satisfy two men #2 where would i find a man who wanted to be in a long term relationship with a woman and another male #3 society would never accept this and i have a child from a previous (healthy) relationship. iv now have been with my new husband for 5 yrs. i always knew he was very metro, its what i love and desire about him. however 3 months ago i found his secret life of male encounters. i was so angry at all the secrets and lies, especially since i am such a open minded (however straight) wife, more so then any other woman i know. im more upset of the 3 yrs of lies. i dont doubt his love or want for me, iv made this man cum in his pants so many time, i dont doubt his love for a pussy, however i no longer doubt his love for cock either. now that im no longer angry im trying to figure out how to accommodate this. i am willing to be with 2 men but only in a long term committed way....im not down with casual sex but im down with tons of love and fucking on the regular....any one else going through this or have any info on mmf long term relationships, words of advice? anything?

**fun2bhung** · Jul 30, 2014, 5:31 PM

My two cents, for what its worth. I was married for 20 years to a wonderful woman. We had an "open" marriage, which really meant "no cheating". That was based on trust, respect and honesty. Sometimes, the fear of rejection can be a strong influence on behavior. Being able to get past the "normal" loving relationship ideas and accepting the idea of "trying to accommodate my husband" sounds like the way to proceed.

**mas8092** · Jul 30, 2014, 6:10 PM

Originally Posted by fun2bhung

My two cents, for what its worth. I was married for 20 years to a wonderful woman. We had an "open" marriage, which really meant "no cheating". That was based on trust, respect and honesty. Sometimes, the fear of rejection can be a strong influence on behavior. Being able to get past the "normal" loving relationship ideas and accepting the idea of "trying to accommodate my husband" sounds like the way to proceed.

I concur. If you can accept his play with men, you have to let him know his interest that way on the side is OK. He has a mountain of shame to deal with. Both sexually and with your relationship. If you can't get past his indiscretion or move forward with him being with men, It's time for you to go. That is not intended as an insult. You feel what you feel. No one should attack you for that.

**northwestmidwest** · Jul 30, 2014, 6:29 PM

i was mad about the lies and affairs, im ok with him being with men, it doesnt bother me, it turns me on, it is what is...he doesnt want me to leave he wants me to go through this with him and experience it with him. if i left him, he will marry another woman and hid his desires from her... but, im down i just want to know if any one else lives in a mmf relationship? which is what he has verbalized he wants . we have such a healthy relationship, and cant even think about throwing it away (he will read this and comment when he gets home) i accept him for who he is and embrace it, just as he does me!

**Ja&Ve** · Jul 30, 2014, 6:41 PM

All I can say is communicate communicate and communicate some more, be willing to compromise (both of you) make sure that you time and energies are being treated equally. And most of all, love each other.

best of luck to you. May you be able to do what I would not be able to.

**suckemall** · Jul 30, 2014, 10:06 PM

My wife and I were in an "open relationship" for 30 years. It started out with me asking her if she would like to find another man to sleep with while I was away working for 2 and sometimes 3 weeks. She slept with quite a few men before finding one that she could trust and really relate with. While sleeping with all these other men, she kept me up on what she was doing with each. All this excited me until she finally got around to telling a few that I wanted to watch them with her. My whole interest was to get near the guys cock when he shot his cum in her. Later, I got a whole lot closer and she did not mind me joining in. She also did her female on female bit. It all comes down to communicating what your desires are and being comfortable with who you are with.

**NakedInSeattle** · Jul 31, 2014, 1:09 AM

Ever thought about asking him if he wants to share? It seems a natural since you sound like you could be polyamorous. I think he would feel he died and went to heaven.

**bityme** · Jul 31, 2014, 5:22 AM

Originally Posted by northwestmidwest

i was mad about the lies and affairs, im ok with him being with men, it doesnt bother me, it turns me on, it is what is...he doesnt want me to leave he wants me to go through this with him and experience it with him. if i left him, he will marry another woman and hid his desires from her... but, im down i just want to know if any one else lives in a mmf relationship? which is what he has verbalized he wants . we have such a healthy relationship, and cant even think about throwing it away (he will read this and comment when he gets home) i accept him for who he is and embrace it, just as he does me!

Certainly, a MMF poly relationship is possible. Finding that perfect fit for the third party may take some time, a lot of patience, and a lot of experimentation. Your search will probably require you to participate in more situations than you would like that you end up classifying as casual sex. Considering the fact that the objective will be to find another man who is emotionally, physically, and sexually compatible with both you and your husband individually and together, that search may take a while. You might very well experience some pairings that start out promising, but ultimately don't work out.

What you have to start out with is defining the roles each of you will take. In addition to sexual compatibility, you will have to consider living arrangements, financial responsibilities and contributions, domestic chores, roles in rearing and discipline for your child, and how you present yourselves to others publicly. Will the 3rd party be a second husband, just another member of a triad, or presented as a close friend and roommate? Will you purchase property together and, if so, how will title be held?

Like any other relationships, your triad will take a lot of work. Open, honest communication will be essential.

Please keep us posted on your progress.

**void()** · Jul 31, 2014, 8:51 AM

Open & honest communication. Know it keeps being repeated. Seems it
is never heard. It works. It saves a lot of hassle, may even save
marriage/s. No real advice except saying what is between the couple is
right for them, everyone else can take a hike.

**northwestmidwest** · Jul 31, 2014, 2:37 PM

thank you, those were the words i was looking for. im in the process of accepting casual sex in search of a long term 3rd party. thank you again

**Visexual** · Aug 2, 2014, 4:33 AM

You know, as difficult as it is to find a person that you, alone, would spend your life with…, I can just imagine how difficult it would be to find that person that you both want to share your lives with.

As for the casual sex?Of course sexual compatibility is a big part of it but I’d think that sex should be the final determination, not one of the first.

Good luck to you both and I hope you find the perfect third.And, from what you’ve written and looking at your profile, I envy him.

**Loki1** · Aug 2, 2014, 5:31 AM

Sounds like a win win to me. Just need a third, sorry, not available.

**onesucker4u** · Aug 2, 2014, 7:43 AM

I could have been happy forever with my fiance' and a younger man we had a few experiences with. Everything that happened, every sight, sound, was beautifull. I think she would have been happy too. It was a rare dumb luck I found him, had a little fun with him, and then brought her to his house, wispered in his ear to go kiss her, and everything just happened naturally. He was the first guy I saw cum in her (inches from my face) and I loved it. He was so easy to be around, nice, sensitive, gentle. and gorgeous. I would have moved him in and been happy the rest of my life with the both of them if she hadn't gotten terribly bi-polor ( meds never kept working, she'd be ok for a couple months, then not)

**2bi2Bboring** · Aug 2, 2014, 2:24 PM

Northwestmidwest, you sound like you have handle on all this, which is more than most can claim. I hate it when bi men cheat, it's selfish. But what's more selfish is when their wives who have been unaware, come here looking for justification for denying their spouse their sexuality. It's like saying, " you can't use your left arm, I have only been paying attention to what you've been doing with your right arm. So to keep me happy you only can use your right arm." The premise is no less ridiculous and no less doomed to failure. I get it, and you have a right to feel betrayed by cheating, but your approach of accepting his bisexuality is far more viable than denial of it. I hope this works for you, and you find your triad. Explore polyamory and it's possibilities, we most often regret what we DONT DO, rather than the things we do, later. Good for you! I wish you all the luck in the world.