Bi BDSM questions...

[stonebow]

Sorry to hear of your sexless marriage Gypsy....been there and it's no picnic for sure. Not at all surprised to hear of the dichotomy between your day to day personality and your sexual self. It seems that a great number of those no nonsense, in your face, take charge types are the very ones who want to follow another's lead in sexual matters. That used to be a puzzlement to me but now I think it makes perfect sense. It must be mentally and emotionally exhausting to be "that" person...the one who always has to be in control. Surrendering within the context of a safe, non judgemental, physically safe environment must be amazingly liberating! I hope someday you find the solution to your dilemma and the emotional and carnal fulfilment you seek are realized.

[WildColonial]

back in the day, I went into an AOL chatroom called F4F Dungeon. I thought it was going to be lesbian dungeons and dragons. boy was i wrong.

Sorry, just couldn't help but chuckle at this!

I'm a switch sexually; most of my experiences have been as a bottom/sub, but I've recently played the Top/Domme role with my current girlfriend. I don't know that I'd categorize my personality as one way or the other. I have to be *very* much in control in my work, so being able to submit to another person is very liberating. On the other hand, I've had quite a few friends tell me I'm an alpha female (in non-sexual aspects of my life), and I'm the daughter of two alpha parents.

[mrcumsalot]

I have always been submissive in my relationships. I have always believed that in order to completely please my partners I must be willing to do whatever is necessary. If a man wishes to humiliate me who am I to say no to him. If he wishes to beat me with a belt, cane, paddle etc, then he should not be prevented from doing so. The only thing I draw the line on is hits to my head, face...that is a definite no no.. Some of the things my partners have wanted may seem obscene and gross and just plain wrong, but I have never denied a man what he wants as I feel it is my duty to please him and to leave him feeling fulfilled and comforted.

[stonebow]

And what of your day to day life, cumsalot? Do you hold a position with a title and wield a degree of power and influence? My reason for asking is to confirm or refute my theory that pronounced sexual submissiveness is the counterbalance to the "Alpha" personality's need to be in control.....a psychic pressure release valve if you will.

[stonebow]

So how about it...anyone care to offer an alternative theory for this submissive thing?

[Long Duck Dong]

I love a series of books called the book jewels trilogy ( there is actually 8 books)

in the books there is a caste system, landen, bloods, jeweled bloods, black widows, warlords, warlord princes and queens..... and a protocol system.......

the males can serve a queen but a true connection is when a person feels the pull ( desire to serve a queen ) and they will place their lives in her hands ( a submissive aspect ) but the first rule of protocol, is not to obey, its to protect, the second is to honour and obey..... there is a difference between service to a queen ( a contract ) and serving a queen ( feeling the need to belong to her )

even the black jeweled males ( black is the darkest and most powerful jewels ) willingly serve witch ( the most powerful queen ever born ), and tho they can love and cherish other women, the need to serve and honor witch is something that runs so deep in their nature, there is no other possible reason for them to exist.... and while they can and do rule over parts of the land as the alpha person and queens answer to them....

Alpha people are like alpha animals, they are the leaders, the rule makers, the head of the food chain.... but their power comes not from the ability to lead, but others need to serve.... and if you look at heads of state and country, they are alpha people but under them, are other alpha people that they will talk with and work with..... its not about surrendering control.... but maintaining a balanced level of control and power

I wield multiple positions of power in different area... and while I kneel at my partners feet, I can stand beside her, I will not stand as her equal, I will honor and respect the differences between us because that is how we work best together.....
there is a saying in the books, that the blood will sing to the blood.... those that compliment each other and work together, will call to any other... and while I feel the draw to serve, I will kneel at my partners feet as a protector and defender but not as a slave... and if I need to stand against her, its for her own good

its not so much a counterbalance..... but part of a very vast and complex social and commercial network that happens to maintain a balance of power...... remove it, and you end up with a social dictatorship where everybody has a semblance of power but because they are given that power ( korea for example )

[stonebow]

Hmm...Pretty convoluted on the face of it LDD. Not unlike the sci-fi series Gor in some respects. There's a whole group on Fetlife dedicated to that series and the BDSM culture it portrays. Perhaps I need to read this series for myself to fully get what you are saying here...who is the author?

[Long Duck Dong]

anne bishop..... the black jewels trilogy is the story of witch and daemon, .. shaladors lady and the shadow queen cover the story of cassidy, that ones about how the court works..... the invisible ring is the story of jared... and how there is a difference between the ring of obedience that is used to control males and enslave them, and the silver ( honor ) and gold ( love ) rings that a male chooses to wear

while it sounds like gor, its definately not........ there is more to the books than I am telling, but thats because a person needs to read them to really understand how the balance works....

[stonebow]

I shall have a look for the series and check it out. Thanks for the lead.

[txsmale55]

I want to be a bottom, still waiting for the first man to take my anal cherry. And I dream of being tied up and abused spanked, flogged punished. CBT, anything with sexual pain turns me on.

[Cursubm]

I want to be a bottom, still waiting for the first man to take my anal cherry. And I dream of being tied up and abused spanked, flogged punished. CBT, anything with sexual pain turns me on.

Sounds nice to me too.

[stonebow]

I want to be a bottom, still waiting for the first man to take my anal cherry. And I dream of being tied up and abused spanked, flogged punished. CBT, anything with sexual pain turns me on.

So what do you think of my "emotional pressure release" theory?.....does the personality type apply to you?

[stonebow]

Come on folks...trying to map out some new ground here. Help a guy out!

[Gypsy_Rose]

I personally think you are spot on with your theory, for some people, for BDSM bottoms who are by nature or nurture alphas during the day. long before i came into a leadership role in business, i was the one always worrying and holding all the details together based on my dysfunctional upbringing with an alcoholic parent. this created in me a need for as you say a pressure release, a place to not be under that constant pressure. i wish i had it now, i could use it. but for it to truly work, you have to have that deeply built trust in order to completely surrender. like your experience with the Dom where the bondage was more for show than effect, you couldn't completely release into that space of being entirely held by the other. i was also a cutter when i was a teen. had the same kind of effect as S/m infliction of pain, endorphin release and soothing. so i have always been like this.

however there are also people who are natural born submissives, who live to please and serve. i can't venture to guess what there experience is like, but i know it is distinctly different than mine.

[stonebow]

Yours is an interesting tale, Gypsy. I am definitely not an alpha and can't say I ever felt pressure to hold it "together" while growing up, but since then I think I have felt a great deal of pressure to be the one to keep everything in line. Work, relationships, and life in general I guess have placed me in positions of responsibility and leadership and not always of my own choosing. When the weight of that kind of responsibility is felt the impulse to escape, to throw off the yoke and let someone else take charge is a powerful one. If you can't do it at work that impulse gets expressed through your play. Also, I think I AM a people pleaser. I derive a great sense of....validation, I guess....from being appreciated for a job well done.....whether that's a handcrafted piece of woodwork or a blowjob...lol. Feeling a strong urge right now actually. I have the day off from work and I'm torn between doing the responsible thing taking care of some backlogged errands, and hooking up with that dom and letting him use me......!

[Gypsy_Rose]

Ahhh, yes, i'm always a bit of a mixture of things, i am not an alpha by birth, i think if i were i would tend toward the Dominant role. But because I have had to take on an alpha role, because it is not one that comes naturally for me, i look for the release from the role via BDSM bottoming, surrendering power to a Dominant.

There's so much psychology at work here in power exchange relationships, each case will be different, as each person is unique, and as i believe is the case with all things human, things exist on a spectrum and are rarely simply black or white, yes or no. But I think some general inferences can be drawn.

I vote for spending some time with the Dom.

[mrcumsalot]

I am a bottom submissive male. I have never had a steady relationship, preferring instead to meet new partners on a regular basis. I have always believed that to truly please a man one must be willing to do whatever he pleases. I have lived dangerously but so far nothing too bad has happened. I allow my men, complete strangers, to tie me up where I cannot possibly move or escape. Some of these men have proceeded to do some brutal sexual acts on me. I keep several "toys" available for them ot use on me including some canes which they are always free to use. There is only one time where I was truly terrorized by someone I had brought home. He tied me down and then he pulled out a large jack knife which he proceeded to run over my body while telling me he would kill me. Obviously he didn't carry out his threat and I was unharmed, if a little shaken. I have been with this man a couple times since this incident and the same scenario was repeated each time....because it is my duty as a bitch?) to allow whatever is going to happen to happen.

I love my lifestyle. It is a dangerous one at times but I cannot imagine life as worth living if I were not able to please my men in the manner they enjoy.

[stonebow]

That's way over the top Cumsalot. Can't see myself EVER surrendering to that degree. I love to make a guy cum and I love being the vehicle of a man's pleasure, BUT......I will never give up power over my own life. My safety comes even before my partner's pleasure and any man who thinks otherwise is sadly mistaken. Guess I'm not the sub I could be but then again....I'm as sub as I want to be.

[Rambigent]

Replying to Stonebow's theory...I am a sexual submissive, and a bottom, and only recently have come to embrace that aspect of my personality. I am also a type-B personality in general. I have a decent, middle of the road office job but I am in no way inclined to be a manager and no one would ever accuse me of being aggressive or an alpha type. So, I think there are all kinds of people that can enjoy and embrace being submissive, though the "pressure release" idea does probably hold true for some people.

[stonebow]

Well still haven't done a lot of bondage play but the dialogue with my dom friend is ongoing. Says he'd like to try some CBT next time....not sure what that would do for me but willing to give it a try. We've also discussed having a three-way with either his partner or another top of my acquaintance. I admit I find the prospect of being tied up then "offered" to another top to use a very exciting one....

[stonebow]

Still in the process of exploring my submissive tendencies and after a lot of chatting and fantasizing I'm about ready to kick it up a notch. My dom friend and I have talked about using some serious restraint the next time we meet. I'm a woodworker by trade and I've always wanted to try building some bondage furniture. Well I'm putting the finishing touches on a set of stocks....you know those things the Puritans used to put their profligate members in for punishment...lol. These will hold a sub..me ....by ankles and wrists so that they are bent over and helpless to prevent themselves being thoroughly fucked! I'll let you know how it goes...

[2bi2Bboring]

@stonebow- Your theory is valid, you aren't blazing new ground there. It's a well documented trend in the BDSM world that many people of powerful jobs or in high pressure/ responsibility positions often take sanctuary in power play roles that relieve them of choices. The concept that people find release in giving up control is played out often. People find solace in the simplicity of servitude or peace in being relieved of responsibility. Role play dynamics are a very interesting area of social behavior. Power is nearly always illusory, we give power to those over us by choice most often. We choose to conform and by doing so sustain the paradigm of our social construct. Stepping outside of that is difficult to do in other ways. BDSM provides a path to do it without shedding the rest of reality. Giving away sexual control allows people to shed responsibility in a way that doesn't disturb everyday living. Sexuality is a world not generally open to public life, so that bit of rebellion is hidden from the rest of the world.

Role dynamics boil down to Alpha personalities versus Beta personality types. Many people can assume an Alpha role in day to day life but sustaining that role may go against their nature. Some people merely adapt to their surroundings and are promoted beyond their comfort level. Being submissive sexually may make them feel grounded or humbled to their true level of comfort. Assuming an Alpha role at work may get you more money but it doesn't mean you're comfortable doing it.

A true Alpha personality often operates outside the rules or structure of the corporate world. They often have trouble conforming to rules of society in general. They are the attention and adrenaline seekers of the world, conformity makes them like everyone else. These kinds of Dominants don't want to conform sexually either. They have large appetites and many proclivities and obvious sexual energy. It's why pretty girls are attracted to athletes or racing car drivers or many other Alpha types.

Switches are the complicated ones, they ride the fence exhibiting traits of the Alpha type and the Beta type. They can be even more sexually confused than bisexuals. Bisexual switches, ugh, don't even make me dissect that animal. Chaos! But yet they exist, more often than you'd imagine, at that.

Submissive personalities want to please others. The most extreme examples of submissive personalities give up control over every aspect of their lives. This makes them feel nurtured and cared for, it's trading security for choice. Trading control for security has always been a battle in the human psyche. Sexual submission allows the sub to give control over what happens to them to someone else. Often they want to hand off the responsibility for it as well. If they did things as a submissive they wouldn't do otherwise then that was where their Dominant took them. They were merely the willing vessel to be filled, so to speak. The irony of the feeling of freedom in giving away that kind of control, the appeal is natural for some. It is the Yin to the Dominants Yang, one party emitting force upon another willing to receive it. There are many specific power dynamics that people fall into; simple Dom/sub, Daddy/girl, Daddy/boy ( these are not incest/taboo type dynamics ), Mommy/girl, Mommy/boy, Master/slave, Owner/pet, the list goes on. Some people enjoy being made an object, others require more of an emotional relationship. There are nearly endless flavors of the power dynamic scene.

FetLife is a site where you are ask to describe yourself in an "About Me" section, you are presented with a plethora of labels that span the kink world. Then asked to describe your relationships with another whole host of terms. Then there is the fetish section, hundreds of terms there, and groups for nearly ever kind of thing you can imagine. It's practically endless, too bad it hasn't been all tied together as a fully searchable database yet. Example, if I was searching for an Asian lesbian dominatrix who liked forced orgasm and bondage play , but also liked cosplay, Dr Who and steampunk, I couldn't currently search for that unfortunately. Tragedy , but soon I have heard. Some people are waiting for that with baited breath. Soul mates await each other, I'm sure.

[2bi2Bboring]

Btw Stonebow, there are plans on Etsy for bondage furniture, should you be so inclined.

[stonebow]

Interesting that you say switches are so complex....the couple times my dom friend and I have been together the scenes ended with me topping HIM....and I liked it!...lol. While it was nice, it's not really what I'm trying to explore so I told him the next time it's all about HIS pleasure. I'm just not an Alpha type. I have assumed leadership roles in the past and probably will in the future but like you said....doesn't mean one is comfortable with it. Truth be told, all my life whenever I've received praise or recognition for something, deep down I felt like an imposter.....that if they only knew the real me they'd change their opinion. You also describe the Alpha personality as someone who has difficulty conforming to societal norms. While I'm not an Alpha, in many ways I AM a non-conformist. I don't really fit the mold of "Joe Average". I do my own thing and don't really care that it's not what EVERYONE is doing. I confess I get a charge out of doing things for people...a strange sense of gratification...of validation if you will, from pleasing or helping others. Not such a bad way to be... is it? I am familiar with Fetlife and agree there are many, MANY permutations. Etsy sounds like it would be worth checking out.

[stonebow]

So I had a date with my dom friend this weekend.....he locked me in the stocks I made and pounded my ass....then he sprung a new twist on me.... put me in a straight jacket with a ball gag in my mouth! It was an interesting experience but I'm kind of having mixed feelings about it. No remorse, no recriminations, just the realization that fantasies don't always live up to the expectations.
Glad I did it....just not sure I'll do it again.

[monaohio]

you can tie me up to a bed spread me wide and I will be your sex toy all day and night long

[sysper]

So I had a date with my dom friend this weekend.....he locked me in the stocks I made and pounded my ass....then he sprung a new twist on me.... put me in a straight jacket with a ball gag in my mouth! It was an interesting experience but I'm kind of having mixed feelings about it. No remorse, no recriminations, just the realization that fantasies don't always live up to the expectations.
Glad I did it....just not sure I'll do it again.

no regrets that's the best way......@ least u tried & found u don't actually like it. totally respectable! i actually need that kinda encouragement myself

[bendover2]

Would love to ease into it with a man I could trust. I do,some self bondage scenarios alone some times. Two nights ago. I used tight nipple clamps with a connecting chain, tied some weights onto them so my nipples were pulled on more. Hurt so Good! I also tied up my balls tight, then placed a butt plug in my ass. Tied a small vibrator to my cock and blindfolded myself. Within minutes I was oozing precum, so I kept dipping my finger into it and rubbing it onto my lips imagining it was my dom's salty precum. I started to grind into the wall imagining the butt plug was a cock and I was getting fucked doggy style. The sensation on my nipples of being clamped and pulled, the feeling of my ass being filled, the precum on my lips, the vibrations on my cock...I came hard!

[BiBedBud]

[bicoupleinontario]

personally I would love to be a dom or dom someone male or female