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  1. #1

    To tell the past or not

    Hi all,

    Thinking of coming out as bi soon to my wife but I am unsure if I should tell her what I have done with other men in the past.

    I don't think its relevant personally and would like to know your thoughts.

  2. #2

    Re: To tell the past or not

    You ask an interesting question. I think that if you ask yourself as to how much detail that you should share about past lovers (female) you might get a clearer idea. Generally, I don't think that it is wise to disclose too much detail about the specifics of any sexual experience unless it is relevant to your present relationship. You have given very few details as to your wife and that makes it difficult to evaluate what you should disclose.

    Since you have not disclosed previous m2m experience to her before she may be upset if you disclose a great deal now. You may be safest disclosing what you have done previous rather than during your relationship with her. I think the less detail would be best at the beginning. Good luck!

  3. #3

    Re: To tell the past or not

    My experience with women is that many don't really want to hear about past lovers, although I've heard from some guys that have said their wives were turned on by hearing of the husband being bi and his m2m past activities. If you decide to out yourself to the wife, I'd give as few details as possible unless she seems cool with it and asks for more.

  4. #4

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Quote Originally Posted by tampakicks27 View Post
    Hi all,

    Thinking of coming out as bi soon to my wife but I am unsure if I should tell her what I have done with other men in the past.

    I don't think its relevant personally and would like to know your thoughts.
    First off congrats on having the courage to share this with her. The potential for creating a level of love, openness and intimacy will absolutely amaze you. Especially of she seems fairly open minded.
    As for the prior encounters with men, was it before or while married? If while married, less than a a year and unprotected, Get tested first, find out you are clean. And really, you may need to tell her. Once aware of your SSA, she is going to hyper tune into you, and lying will be difficult if not damn bear impossible. If before marriage, it would also be prudent to tell, especially if encounters with men is something you want ultimately. If you are more wanting to explore your SSA as a means of bonding with your partner only, then you will want to explore pegging, role play, fantasy talk etc.

    things to be mindful of: she is going to have a million questions. Answer them. Be as honest as possible. Understand she will be angry, she will cry, she may even mourn. She may sex you up in a desperate bid to take your mind off things. let her. Give her all the time she needs. If your ultimate goal is to open the relationship, you better go slow. It's going to take a minimum of 90 days to six months likely just to get her to calm down and accept her new normal. Take this time to bond her to you as strongly as you can, you are going to need this. You will also have to be accepting that she may never want or agree to that. After all, she likely went into things with a completely different understanding of what her life and relationship would be. And you will need to together figure out what to do if that is the case.

  5. #5

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Thanks for everyones response thus far.

    To clarify, I never did anything while with her. It was all before.

    Also, this has been addressed, but I do want to open the relationship, at some point bringing another man in (not by myself), but I am unsure if I should say this upfront or wait ?

  6. #6

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Quote Originally Posted by tampakicks27 View Post
    Thanks for everyones response thus far.

    To clarify, I never did anything while with her. It was all before.

    Also, this has been addressed, but I do want to open the relationship, at some point bringing another man in (not by myself), but I am unsure if I should say this upfront or wait ?
    One bombshell at a time dear. You have known this forever, and she is way behind the knowledge curve. You really should have been up front with her at the beginning of the relationship. When she finds out she likely is gonna think "bait and switch"Remember, this is going to rock her world. Unless she is one of the very few who will enthusiastically scream "hell yeah that's hot!", you are going to do good just to tell her about being bi. This is something you deliberately kept from her, thus negating her ability to consent prior to committing to you and now you want add a man to the mix? Even more emphatically, I say to give 6 months to a year to even get used to the idea, and let's just hope she's not the jealous or possessive type.
    Last edited by Ja&Ve; Apr 1, 2014 at 1:27 PM.

  7. #7

    Re: To tell the past or not

    You probably need to "clear the air" about your bisexuality.
    As to how detailed, probably the less detail the better.
    But then I am speaking personally - only from my past experiences; all relationships have different dynamics.
    You can take all the advice given, but deep down only you know how to respond.

  8. #8

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Hi tamp
    You state that all of your m2m sex happened before you met your partner and "this" has been addressed. Am I correct in believing that you have told her about your past same sex experiences but want to talk to her about eventually bringing a man in to your relationship?

    In this circumstance, she should be involved in setting the rules of sexual interaction with a third party. Although you do not want to discuss details of your past encounters with men, you are going to have to discuss what you want to do with men with her present. Might it be wise to focus on her from both you and the third guy? You may want to get her to watch mmf porn and discuss what is in the video. See if she gets turned on by scenes of one man playing with her breasts while the other man is giving the woman oral...etc. It may be better if the first few videos do not have a man going down on another man or a minimum. See how she reacts.

  9. #9

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Quote Originally Posted by tenni View Post
    Hi tamp
    You state that all of your m2m sex happened before you met your partner and "this" has been addressed. Am I correct in believing that you have told her about your past same sex experiences but want to talk to her about eventually bringing a man in to your relationship?
    Hi no she knows nothing of my past at all.

    I am going to tell her I am bi but I think the consensus of all comments thus far is to not say too much unless probed.

  10. #10

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Thanks for clarifying. So, all of your same sex experience happened before you knew her. I think that you are on a good strategy then.

  11. #11

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Quote Originally Posted by tampakicks27 View Post
    Hi no she knows nothing of my past at all.

    I am going to tell her I am bi but I think the consensus of all comments thus far is to not say too much unless probed.
    Let us know how it goes.

  12. #12

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Hi everyone,

    Everything went better than expected.

    She was 100 % supportive and it did not bother her at all.

    She had no idea about the kinsey scale she actually identified as a 2 also.

    She actually asked why I didn't say anything sooner but understood that this culture has taboos against men even thinking of men but when women think of it its hot. She actually felt sorry for me.

    I knew I married the right woman and in my heart I knew she would not have an issue. I was not even nervous.

    I feel liberated. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel happier and am smiling more overall. My libido which was always high has gone even higher (which is annoyingly weird).

    Thanks to everyone on this thread and thanks to this website. Its been very helpful all these years.

    To those out there that are scared and reading this, you know your woman and you will know how she will react. Although my scenario was easy, don't despair and be true to yourself.

    Something resounding about life that I read somewhere that I will share.

    They did a survey on people in hospice and about to die. They asked them what were their lives biggest regrets.

    1. They were not true to themselves (me)
    2. They didn't spend enough time with friends and family.
    3. They worked too much / hard.

  13. #13

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Quote Originally Posted by Ja&Ve View Post
    One bombshell at a time dear. You have known this forever, and she is way behind the knowledge curve. You really should have been up front with her at the beginning of the relationship. When she finds out she likely is gonna think "bait and switch"Remember, this is going to rock her world. Unless she is one of the very few who will enthusiastically scream "hell yeah that's hot!", you are going to do good just to tell her about being bi. This is something you deliberately kept from her, thus negating her ability to consent prior to committing to you and now you want add a man to the mix? Even more emphatically, I say to give 6 months to a year to even get used to the idea, and let's just hope she's not the jealous or possessive type.
    First and foremost, thanks for your responses. They were very valuable to my approach.

    The second thing I want to do is disagree with on something respectfully.

    You said bait and switch. You also said I should of been up front at first.

    I am not sure if you know the power of taboo and the over societal programming we have ingrained in us. We are told in religion that what we are is wrong. We are raised by our parents and told that being 100 % straight is the correct path. Society says we are "less" masculine if we are attracted to other men. I ask who wrote "that book ?" Women, on the other hand, can kiss other girls. Society says its "hot." Women can have a few female to female trists but if a man does it he is automatically "gay." Laws in some states can get you fired over it. In some countries, you can be incarcerated.

    Its very easy form a woman's perspective ( i am assuming the wife wrote since it says your a couple ) to say "you should of been up front with her at the beginning" when you don't have to deal with the stigma like men do.

    I don't know how far we will go (if anywhere) but I have already read 1 book "Opening Up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships" and the perspective is fascinating and refreshing. Its rating extremely high on Amazon just read the reviews.

  14. #14

    Re: To tell the past or not

    unfortunately you never know until you come out to a person, just how they will react....... my sister came out as a bisexual to the family and was immediately disowned, yet my cousin who is a lesbian, was accepted even tho being a lesbian went against my mothers own christian beliefs.....

    I came out as a bisexual to the same people, and my step father who is very homophobic, accepted me and is very friendly with my gay flatmate, but is still very anti gay people... my mother is also friendly with my flatmate but very more nastier than my stepfather... and my father who trained as a catholic priest, is very accepting and tolerant....

    I am also adopted, my sister was the biological daughter, so the reaction to her vs the reaction to me, was very interesting indeed.....

    I have a partner that is very LGBT friendly and supportive and heteroflexible ( meaning that while she will not seek out female on female sexual interaction, she is not opposed to the idea of a 3some and open to what may happen ) who has been told that she is only a heterosexual that is trying to make herself look good on a bisexual site ( a few people in this site put that to her.... yet are also quick to spout off about biphobia )

    just goes to show that you never really know how a person will react until you give them the chance to react lol
    The only thing more painful than a broken heart, is catching yourself in your zip and having very cold hands

  15. #15

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Quote Originally Posted by tampakicks27 View Post
    First and foremost, thanks for your responses. They were very valuable to my approach. The second thing I want to do is disagree with on something respectfully. You said bait and switch. You also said I should of been up front at first. I am not sure if you know the power of taboo and the over societal programming we have ingrained in us. We are told in religion that what we are is wrong. We are raised by our parents and told that being 100 % straight is the correct path. Society says we are "less" masculine if we are attracted to other men. I ask who wrote "that book ?" Women, on the other hand, can kiss other girls. Society says its "hot." Women can have a few female to female trists but if a man does it he is automatically "gay." Laws in some states can get you fired over it. In some countries, you can be incarcerated. Its very easy form a woman's perspective ( i am assuming the wife wrote since it says your a couple ) to say "you should of been up front with her at the beginning" when you don't have to deal with the stigma like men do. I don't know how far we will go (if anywhere) but I have already read 1 book "Opening Up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships" and the perspective is fascinating and refreshing. Its rating extremely high on Amazon just read the reviews.
    Oh Tampa, I am so very happy for you. What a wonderful affirmation, especially helpful that your wife has her own set of bi tendencies. Yes, this is V, the wife. I had heard the "bait and switch sentiment on the "support" boards that I am no longer part of (soooo not helpful) and wanted you to be aware of that sentiment. I felt it for a while myself during my lowest points about all of this. Me? I am barely a Kinsey one ( i like boobs randomly and that's about it.) so the female' double standard wasn't even really on my radar. As for religion and societal expectations, I really had none. I am pagan so those repressions were never really on me. The deception itself was my biggest issue. You know that "if he cant trust me enough to be honest or up front with me, what else is he hiding? Was I not worth confiding in etc... I'm so not for open relationships, but I am a selfish bitch and can admit that freely and unashamedly. I don't mind sharing space in J's head, but no one gets to share his body with me. And he's cool with that. His urges are not very strong, he more likes his toys and for me to use them on him, hard and vigorously. I also have some masculine traits personality-wise (the hazards of being raised by a man) so it works for him. ooooo again, I am sooo thrilled for you. The increase in the sex is so awesome isn't it? I absolutely cannot get enough. Hell. he's trying to keep up with me :D

  16. #16

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Tamp
    I am very happy for you that it has been positive. I might add so far and I hope that continues.

    As far as some of the other comments, I would say that this thread is about a man who is bisexual disclosing to his wife. The fear of violating societal taboos are great for biguys and some women seem to get wrapped up in bitterness. I agree with you that male bisexuals deal with more negative stigma from society and women in particular can be nasty towards bisexual men(even some bisexual women strangely enough will have nothing to do with bisexual men). Biguys are also dealing with feelings of inadequacy as far as their masculinity as defined by society. The shame can be so great as to paralyze a biman for years in self hatred and denial of identity. I am happy that your wife has shown great empathy for you. It takes a self confident, non possessive woman to be in a relationship with a bisexual man. Some women are just not emotionally healthy enough to be with a bisexual man. I am glad that your wife seems to be one of the special women.

    Take it one small step at a time.
    Last edited by tenni; Apr 9, 2014 at 1:46 AM.

  17. #17

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Grats, Tamp. A lot of girls would have run screaming. You should do what it takes to make sure you keep her!

  18. #18

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Quote Originally Posted by Ja&Ve View Post
    Oh Tampa, I am so very happy for you. What a wonderful affirmation, especially helpful that your wife has her own set of bi tendencies. Yes, this is V, the wife. I had heard the "bait and switch sentiment on the "support" boards that I am no longer part of (soooo not helpful) and wanted you to be aware of that sentiment. I felt it for a while myself during my lowest points about all of this. Me? I am barely a Kinsey one ( i like boobs randomly and that's about it.) so the female' double standard wasn't even really on my radar. As for religion and societal expectations, I really had none. I am pagan so those repressions were never really on me. The deception itself was my biggest issue. You know that "if he cant trust me enough to be honest or up front with me, what else is he hiding? Was I not worth confiding in etc... I'm so not for open relationships, but I am a selfish bitch and can admit that freely and unashamedly. I don't mind sharing space in J's head, but no one gets to share his body with me. And he's cool with that. His urges are not very strong, he more likes his toys and for me to use them on him, hard and vigorously. I also have some masculine traits personality-wise (the hazards of being raised by a man) so it works for him. ooooo again, I am sooo thrilled for you. The increase in the sex is so awesome isn't it? I absolutely cannot get enough. Hell. he's trying to keep up with me :D
    Hi Ve, its funny because my wife did actually did bring up bait & switch, just not in those words, the day after I wrote what I did. I defended my position and apologized and she understood that its harder for men to come out as bi. And once again, your feedback was very helpful for me. My gratitude to you is eternal (amongst other members). I get you wanted your man to have courage and he may of had the courage to take a bullet for you, but society, taboo and religion are powerful brainwashing tools. Hopefully another woman reads this and understands and moves on from this obstacle to coming out.

    An overall update is that she went from open minded (when I told her the first time) to not ever wanting to bring anyone into our relationship (when she was pms'ing and I admitted I had been with other men and liked one of the experiences) to again saying in our lifetime sure we can at least try it once (although some alcohol was in her at that point). This was over a period of 3 serious talks in 1 week.

    I tell her how she is too hot to not be shared and that she should feel many more dicks before she dies and I can see her getting aroused. In fact we both are. I asked more about her past and she had had some one night stands but never did anything too crazy. She did admit to enjoying them. At least not like me. She admitted she had a slut in her but it normally came out when she was single. She admitted she had thought of a threesome before.

    She said she could probably do it under the influence (not a scenario i want to start, at most a couple of drinks), but I told her regardless of anything I want to wait 6 months to 1 year before anything happens at minimum. There are too many things involved for this to be hastily rushed. Diseases, boundaries, rules, self-reflection and other factors. I am working on a checklist on my own in a composition book I write and will start writing erotic stories in a composition book and encourage her to read it. Not sure what others think of this to seduce her further.

    I ask her for assurance and she says nothing for her has changed when thinking of me. This is a comfort because I was afraid of eventual disdain or dislike or disgust. For me everything has changed though. I love her more than ever before. I look men in the eyes now and am more friendly and less "introverted." I also look at women more confidently (and I was very confident before). I am not flirting but no longer am I ashamed of who I am. To a certain degree I feel more enlightened (not egoistically) than a large % of the population.

    Sex has been incredible. I am the dominant one and I am dirty talking her what I would do and what other men would do to her. Her orgasms are intense and sexually she is responding to my banter positively. I guess you can say I am building her up. She is not a "slut" by nature. Thats me. And my goal is to bring it out of her. I find myself staring at her more often wanting to consume her.

    I get that your a more masculine person than your man. I also understand that your very selfish. Thats funny because thats not the type of girl (more masculine) I would NOT marry but the ones I like having sex with from time to time lol. I won't pretend to know your relationship and whats going through your mind but you maybe your should at least open up your mind to the IDEA (not guarantee) of bringing another man in your relationship ? Why are you selfish when you would get pleasure also and can probably set all the rules since your more dominant than him ? Have you ever wanted to be with more than 1 man at once ? Does the idea of starting slow (maybe where your husband only gives the man oral WITH YOU or receive it WITH you) sound POSSIBLE and still be able to feel another man inside you ? I understand some women that say no they won't / don't want to and mean it. There is a % of the population that is monogamous ever after trying being open. I just wonder if that's you or not because your open minded enough to not only talk to me and help me but admit your Kinsey 1.

    I suggest you read the book I suggested and another called the Ethical Slut. You won't agree with most but it will open up your mind a bit. Its a great read I think they have audiobooks if your not a reader.

    The purpose of this message is for people to see how my relationship has evolved because many men are hiding like I was and I want them to see a success story and what I am doing to make it so. Alot of people think this is doom but there are many resources and checklists to help a couple communicate through a scenario like this that will not only improve the relationship but allow for exploration and self-growth.

    Ultimately readers, in your heart you'll know how your woman (or man) will react. Although I am one of the luckier ones I think everyone should open up themselves further and through love and sex, we can make this world a happier and better place.

  19. #19

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Quote Originally Posted by tampakicks27 View Post
    Hi Ve, its funny because my wife did actually did bring up bait & switch, just not in those words, the day after I wrote what I did. I defended my position and apologized and she understood that its harder for men to come out as bi. And once again, your feedback was very helpful for me. My gratitude to you is eternal (amongst other members). I get you wanted your man to have courage and he may of had the courage to take a bullet for you, but society, taboo and religion are powerful brainwashing tools. Hopefully another woman reads this and understands and moves on from this obstacle to coming out.

    An overall update is that she went from open minded (when I told her the first time) to not ever wanting to bring anyone into our relationship (when she was pms'ing and I admitted I had been with other men and liked one of the experiences) to again saying in our lifetime sure we can at least try it once (although some alcohol was in her at that point). This was over a period of 3 serious talks in 1 week.

    I tell her how she is too hot to not be shared and that she should feel many more dicks before she dies and I can see her getting aroused. In fact we both are. I asked more about her past and she had had some one night stands but never did anything too crazy. She did admit to enjoying them. At least not like me. She admitted she had a slut in her but it normally came out when she was single. She admitted she had thought of a threesome before.

    She said she could probably do it under the influence (not a scenario i want to start, at most a couple of drinks), but I told her regardless of anything I want to wait 6 months to 1 year before anything happens at minimum. There are too many things involved for this to be hastily rushed. Diseases, boundaries, rules, self-reflection and other factors. I am working on a checklist on my own in a composition book I write and will start writing erotic stories in a composition book and encourage her to read it. Not sure what others think of this to seduce her further.

    I ask her for assurance and she says nothing for her has changed when thinking of me. This is a comfort because I was afraid of eventual disdain or dislike or disgust. For me everything has changed though. I love her more than ever before. I look men in the eyes now and am more friendly and less "introverted." I also look at women more confidently (and I was very confident before). I am not flirting but no longer am I ashamed of who I am. To a certain degree I feel more enlightened (not egoistically) than a large % of the population.

    Sex has been incredible. I am the dominant one and I am dirty talking her what I would do and what other men would do to her. Her orgasms are intense and sexually she is responding to my banter positively. I guess you can say I am building her up. She is not a "slut" by nature. Thats me. And my goal is to bring it out of her. I find myself staring at her more often wanting to consume her.

    I get that your a more masculine person than your man. I also understand that your very selfish. Thats funny because thats not the type of girl (more masculine) I would NOT marry but the ones I like having sex with from time to time lol. I won't pretend to know your relationship and whats going through your mind but you maybe your should at least open up your mind to the IDEA (not guarantee) of bringing another man in your relationship ? Why are you selfish when you would get pleasure also and can probably set all the rules since your more dominant than him ? Have you ever wanted to be with more than 1 man at once ? Does the idea of starting slow (maybe where your husband only gives the man oral WITH YOU or receive it WITH you) sound POSSIBLE and still be able to feel another man inside you ? I understand some women that say no they won't / don't want to and mean it. There is a % of the population that is monogamous ever after trying being open. I just wonder if that's you or not because your open minded enough to not only talk to me and help me but admit your Kinsey 1.

    I suggest you read the book I suggested and another called the Ethical Slut. You won't agree with most but it will open up your mind a bit. Its a great read I think they have audiobooks if your not a reader.

    The purpose of this message is for people to see how my relationship has evolved because many men are hiding like I was and I want them to see a success story and what I am doing to make it so. Alot of people think this is doom but there are many resources and checklists to help a couple communicate through a scenario like this that will not only improve the relationship but allow for exploration and self-growth.

    Ultimately readers, in your heart you'll know how your woman (or man) will react. Although I am one of the luckier ones I think everyone should open up themselves further and through love and sex, we can make this world a happier and better place.
    I'm so glad what I said was so helpful.

    I'm not surprised that she is having this reaction. it's scary to look at sharing what you consider yours. It's a powerful almost visceral reaction for some of us. If you are not a jealous person. Congratulations. You are a rare soul. But even in my lifetime I can not say never. My only hard limits that will likely always stand are no gay men and no playing alone. Those will likely never change.

    My hubby has sharing fantasies too. We have done a threesome in the past but he started getting possessive and angry when he was done but the other guy wasn't. I enjoyed it but I had no real desire to do it again but ithink it was mostly the other guy vs. an aversion to the act itself.

    6 months to a year is a great idea. Because lots of conversation will be going on. Likely you will find it exhausting, but soldier on. You have fidelity on your side, but you want to open up the relationship, something I am not dealing with, so she may melt down more or less depending on how this affects her. Most of my melting down was due to NOT being able to necessarily believe what my husband was telling me about wanting to remain monogamous. I felt like he was going to "need" to go and "swing from the chandeliers" as it were. It took hearing from other parties before I finally calmed down. If you think that your method to bring her around will work, by all means try.

    I dont think you will ever get disgust or disdain, but make no mistake she will look at you in a different way, not good or bad, just different. it will take her some time to wrap around in her mind that not only do you have a same sex attraction, but that you have acted on it. It may create some gut check moments for her or not. You never know. Just be aware.

    That part has by far been the best part. Seeing my husband blossom out into this magnificent being. He has a light that just shines from him now and everyone is drawn to it. He is more confident and outgoing. He is more precise in his language and speaks his mind. And Yes, the sex? OMG, we can't get enough. I am domme more in regular life (although that's changing and I couldn't be happier about it) but he and I are switches in bed so we go back and forth with the dominance thing. I usually go domme when pegging him and gets his dom on during more regular sex. We are not conservative sexually with other by any means. We are both channeling our inner slut with each other.

    I never said I was more masculine than he, but that I had more masculine traits than a lot of women (ie major camper, hunter, fisher, I do yard work, work our finances, help fix the cars etc...) Otherwise I can be very femme as well. I love dressing up, having hair and nails done, going shopping etc.

    The selishness comes from some issues we had very early in our relationship that about ended it. I dont want to go too far into it but we learned some very hard lessons and decided the potential heartache was not worth it. Neither of us do anything half way and he has a very addictive personality. it's always best to know what your limits are and abide by them. That's not to say we havent been adventurous with people we consider safe (i.e. known them for 20+ years). We've done the soft swinging thing to great effect with them and I dont rule anything out from that perspective in the future. i also dont rule out other options that allow us to be more "open" within the context of sharing together (again, never say never yanno?) but there will never be alone time allowed. He is strongly adamant about this. And I can't disagree.

  20. #20

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Whoo Hoo! Congrats Sweetie. I hope it all continues to go fantastic! :}
    Cat
    I'm tryin' my best to leave a loving foot print on the hearts of the folks who's lives I touch..longly, or briefly..:}
    Minx

    Women and cats will do as they please, so men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
    Robert A. Heinlein

  21. #21

    Re: To tell the past or not

    Congrats Tamp, glad it's all working out. Myself, I waited until married to tell her I'm bi. Now she's supportive of it, and encourages my playing around when possible(unfortunately, being where I live, it doesn't happen very much) because she had her sexual experiences and wants me to have mine.

 

 

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