Learning the Ropes - Any tips? (Threesomes FFM)

[kayti1]

I apologize in advance. I'm new, and this is rather long winded, but I'd like some advice in order to make this good for all involved.

So here goes ...

I've been married to my husband for 7 years. Prior to meeting him, I'd had threesomes (FFM). One included him - back when we were dating we had a threesome with a friend (F). She was married, her husband had passed out in the hotel room and the three of us carried on. They had full sex - all was well. They both felt bad. I didn't. But it caused "issues" for a while for him. My husband realized that this was something I enjoyed and she and her husband carried on "exploring" after our encounter (we lived another country - separated by an ocean). While he called me a "part time lesbian" it didn't bother me, because I had already discovered how much I enjoyed women.

Anyways - we moved to his home country 2 years ago and our friendship carried on. Any night out with them included her and I carrying on - not for their enjoyment, but for ours.

A month ago we were out - her husband has realized "things happen" when he's passed out - and was convinced my husband and his wife have something going on. I was tasked with "consoling him" (kissing/cuddling/etc/no sex) in order to convince him that the extra-curriculars are to do with her and I not her and him.

A couple weeks ago, we were at a hotel. It was full on between her and I - and I loved it! I'd never gone down on a girl and it was like licking heaven. I loved it. I hadn't expected I would love it so much but I really did and I can't wait to do it again.

Anyways - her husband kept trying to drunkenly/clumsily join in. I told him to fuck off. Once again, he passed out and the three of us were carrying on. I don't know why but I cut it off at the sex point (between my husband and her) - I just couldn't deal with it. I've since spoken to my husband and he's said that he's only interested in her because I am. And said that he's happy with us and he knows I'm looking for more and is trying to satisfy that need in me.

As I've cut the two of them off from having sex twice in the last few weeks, I told him going forward (as despite my failed efforts to establish "ground rules") that I don't want him to cum in her. Other than that I can deal with it. I've also explained that if we're involving someone with us, *she* isn't to be the focus for him - his focus is still to be me. Her husband has said that if my husband sleeps with her, he feels he should be able to sleep with me. And I've explained to my husband that may be a consequence. These may sound like petty differences, but I'm trying to navigate being married and being bi.

My husband doesn't mind her and me having sex - he loves it - he embraces my bisexuality. I've explained to him that him having sex with her is the equivalent of me having sex with her partner - not me having sex with her - which he agrees with.

Am I doing something wrong? Is there some way I can do/handle this better? I know "advice" suggests not to screw with friends but she and I do enjoy each others company.

[Realist]

Kayti, this is an observation, not a recommendation, nor is it advice. Only you know what is best for you and I'm not going to attempt to condemn, approve, or direct your actions.

But, I would have made sure the ground rules were in place (understood and agreed upon by all) in the beginning. If there were any adverse disagreements, then, they would have to be resolved before intimacy began.

I've been in three relationships, similar to yours and the only one that failed, failed because we didn't come to a full agreement before getting sexually involved. After learning from the mistakes of the first, the following ones were magnificent!

Jealousy is a killer of any kind of relationship, especially like yours. And, I think it makes a relationship, like you're sharing, even more volatile.

[cbb83]

The forbidden fruit aspect may eventually lead to disaster here. Also, beware of drunks - they can get very aggressive, paranoid, and unreasonable - he might just wake up one night and force the issue. Alcohol is a bitch.

In my experiences, I've found that the only group situations that didn't end with jealousy and drama were the ones where all partners gave themselves to each other equally, without reservation, and with no caveats or limitations - what one would do with one, they would do with any other in the group.

It seems apparent that your husband does have some desire for the other woman - even if only because you do; and that the other man has some measure of desire for you. That's going to be pretty tricky to manage, and may ultimately rest on the insecurities of all involved. I wish you luck!

[tenni]

"I've explained to him that him having sex with her is the equivalent of me having sex with her partner - not me having sex with her - which he agrees with."


If I understand this statement correctly, I agree with you. Same sex play is not the same as also permitting cross gender play. A bisexual having same sex play is not the same as the bisexual's partner having sex with opposite gender imo. Some understand and accept this. Others seem to see any sex regardless of gender must be permitted. (I don't agree and think those that think this way do not really have a bisexual mind…lol)

Some will argue that if you are having extra marital sex with another person that you partner needs the same right regardless of gender. (again I don't agree with this type of thinking) You cross gender partner doesn't have what you need (same gender). You have what he wants/needs as far as cross gender.

[Fzmr9t]

I haven't been in your situation, but I'd agree, that the ground rules should be set up front and all should be in agreement. That's not to say that people won't want to suddenly "change course midstream", but at least there'd be a starting point

[bityme]

I know this is flippant and meant only as a jest. If you want to keep the girl-girl time exclusive and not play with the guys, just tell the guys you will only have the same kind of sex with them that they have with each other. If a husband wants to perform oral on the others wife, he must first perform oral on her husband, etc.

On a more serious note, you might try having your girl-girl times completely separate from the men and avoid any sex on couples outings.

[the sacred night]

I don't think threesomes (especially ongoing ones like yours) really work unless all partners are equal. Sounds like your group is not equal. One guy is not participating with anybody but his wife, while the other three are all doing each other, and the non-participating guy is not really comfortable with this. One guy "instructs" his wife to kiss and cuddle and whatnot with the other guy in order to throw him a bone as well as to assure him that the extramarital sex is "only" between the two women as though that's somehow less threatening than if it were with a man. The non-participating guy thinks he's entitled to sleep with the woman who isn't his wife without any mention of whether or not she wants that. Also, no one asked him if he was ok with his wife having these affairs before it happened, only tried to reassure him that it didn't really count after it had already happened. There are so many people being disrespected here that I think if you want to continue at all, you will have to overhaul the relationship. Have serious talks with all four people present where everyone shares what they want and need from the relationship and everyone else respects those desires and needs, and is treated equally. Make sure no one is cheating (extramarital sex without the partner's approval), but rather make sure it is true polyamory (all partners are ok with it, whether or not they participate).

[Alex2200]

agree a sit down is needed and a genuine talk before next get together happens. for example, why her husband need to get drunk to accept u and her together?
a honest, sober talk needs to happen.
and jealousy be damned, all be honest. what are each persons comfort-zone? a living room best for talk, nothing in public.
It clear what u need, but no idea what other 3 need or want. Let's find out.
fyi: monogomy is far from my life. However, i brutally honest with all lovers and that helps keep troubles at bay.
with lover for 19 years now, and no, we not monogomous.
But we are honest with one another. So honest with one another.
Hence no jealousy.
only advice is try being truly honest with all involved
including self
(if u want to be alone with her say so during meeting of minds)
work out a compromise
every other time u two together guys can watch or more
lots to discuss it seems
good luck

Own sexuality and if needed, meet with her one-on-one.
married not mean joined at hip, u can do separate things and still be together. Doubt u have same job, for example.

[Alex2200]

bi life is complicated. that said u in relationship with husband, by that i mean physical and emotional. only way to survive bi is learn to compartmentalize, for example u not in emotional relationship with her frequently drunk husband, therefore u could do him if situation needed. it would be sexual only. as u expect from husband and girlfriend. my question is have u compartmentalized your relationship with girlfriend? is it sex and friendship only? if not, re-consider relationship with her. No offense meant. Just reality and life-experience here.

[2bi2Bboring]

Your relationship is unique, what works for you may be different than my relationship. But we can make suggestions.
I am concerned about the other woman's husband being drunk all the time. Drunks are unpredictable, and sometimes dangerous. I too am asking why the men have to be present for you two girls to play? If this is a girl/girl thing, lose the guys. They are adding drama to your fun. Talk about it and see if they'll agree to let you two play alone.


Our rules we've developed over time about extracurricular people in our bed.


Rule1) ALWAYS walk away together, your primary relationship is your support, your marriage, your life, always be true to it.
Rule 2) if you gotta be drunk to play, you have issues. We NEVER play with drunks, EVER!
Rule 3) no one takes one for the team, if you both aren't into both or at least the M/F M/F, or F/F aspects, don't play.
Rule 4) Never put your partner in a compromising position or endanger their safety or well being. EVER! Refer to rule 1
Rule 5) talk about everything, you and your partner have to communicate effectively to each other, and to your other lovers
Rule 6) no Drama EVER! Have discussions not arguments. Keep it nice and play fair.
Rule 7) set your ground rules and hard limits ahead of time. No surprises, surprises are bad form. Trust is paramount!
Rule 8) never EVER break the ground rules, bad form! PLAY NICE!
Rule 9) respect each other and each other's limits, ALWAYS!
Rule10) respect what you have, if you play nice you get the garden of Eden plus a player or two. Don't fuck it up!

Don't take anything for granted, and have fun.