Hi there, I am an 18 year old man who is incredibly confused about his sexuality. Growing up, I had the typical heteronormative lifestyle, finding myself enthralled by thoughts of women as well as much arousal to porn. I used to watch softcore lesbian porn on Cinemax late at night when I was about 12 years old, and from there, I gradually moved my way up. Sometimes I think I might be addicted to porn, but lately I've been incredibly depressed as I find nothing gets me off anymore. About 6 months ago, to cope with this I began masturbating online on camsites in order to feel better about my low self-esteem after coming out of a very hurtful relationship with a woman who betrayed and cheated on me.
However, I soon began to discover I was not 100% straight, or else I obviously would not have felt comfortable performing such acts online. One thing I noticed was even though I would let man and woman masturbate to me, (whoever connected), whenever I would actually orgasm I would be doing it to the thought of a woman. I think really the attention just made me feel better about myself, and gave me a sense of sexual power I hadn't felt in months. At first, I thought this was a phase, but it's obviously not the case if I still find myself doing it from time to time.
Now, I notice just about nothing can get me off anymore. Even my imagination. I've tried not masturbating, and there are times I've gone entire weeks without achieving any sort of arousal or erection. This has made me began to question if I'm gay, bisexual, or straight. For about 4 months now, I literally spend 2-3 hours a day searching for symptoms of homosexuality and bisexuality, and came across a form of OCD known as HOCD where people obsess over their orientation for hours on end. I seem to switch on and off between accepting my bicuriosity and denying the urges.
I notice whenever I cum, the urge to experiment disappears completely. When I'm in a room of people, I ALWAYS notice the women first, though this could just be because most men are this way. Growing up, I never questioned it much but now all this anxiety and doubt is killing me.
What the hell am I? And how do I accept myself no matter what? I have almost no sexual desires to perform in real life at all, something that truly separates me from my heterosexual friends. Even looking at a man, I don't feel any desire to try out anything, or any feelings other than those of friendship. As far as woman go, I was so damaged in my last relationship I can't even bring myself to potentially date anyone, and it doesn't help my low self-confidence keeps me uninterested in any woman who shows interest, as I just feel it will end badly or that I'll ruin it somehow.
What is wrong with me?
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