Need advice from my bisexual.com family

[scilla08]

How does one deal with a triadic relationship?

Here's why I ask, my husband has a girlfriend.. She's 18, still in High School and she just moved into our place. My husband want's me to give him the chance to not only have a marriage but this relationship on the side.. No sexual involvement is going on between her or myself... In my eyes it's cheating but my husband doesn't seem to think that way. He wants us all to live this lifestyle for a year till April 2015 ( that is when she moves to North Dakota). I a very conflicted on what to do.. Any advice good or bad is appreciated. I really hate feeling like this jealous psycho bitch. It's not my way at all..


Thank you for your guys help.


~Scilla

[TomDaty]

Can you bring a boy/ girl friend home for yourself?

[scilla08]

Nope, he has made that clear that 3 people is enough.. Even though I'm the bisexual one. Yes the thought of getting a girlfriend out of spite of his infidelity would only hurt the girl I include. And I don't want to do that. :/

[ohbimale]

Unless you have given permission to him to carry on in a relationship with her as a live in girlfriend I think it is cheating. You need to put an end to it or bring a girlfriend home for you.

[scilla08]

The only thing I gave permission to was planning a 3-some for his birthday.. And he didn't ask me permission to date her he just did it.. And it makes it worse is that she is/was his best friends girlfriend and the just broke up not even 3 weeks ago. She has no remorse of being with a married man who has child.. And who doesn't have a job. I'm paying all the bills.

[onewhocares]

Hi,


Well it seems to me that this arrangement is not equitable. How does he think that it is fine for him to have a lover, but you can't-be it a male or female lover. I would also not get involved with someone who may be underage. He obviously is disrespectful of you and your marriage if he has already commenced the relationship without your consent. Just my two cents.

Belle

[Gearbox]

I really hate feeling like this jealous psycho bitch. It's not my way at all..

You've got more going on there than just some jealousy issue! That'd be the least of your probs even IF you were the jealous type.
I'm practically a perfect Saint myself.......but you are taking it to extremes there IMO. Everything that gives you any sense of worth is being stripped bare of you.
By the time Barbie fu..goes to Dakota, you won't even notice what a pathetic, subservient, nill-self esteem hollow excuse for a person you'll be.
Am not being cruel! You are being de-Humanized, and if you don't get some equality going there soon, you'd be better off moving out with your child.

Don't get me wrong! I'm all for the ridding of jealousy and am pro-poly-relationships etc. BUT that is not how you go about it. Your husband has issues, and they are not good for you, Barbie or your child. You are the mother, the wife and the bill payer, yet you have less say and control than your husband, and less priority than Barbie.
Sorry to be so negative, but it's like watching a car crash in slow motion.

[scilla08]

Thank you for your honesty!! Our child is in California, I asked my dad to get her and take her for the summer. I do feel like I have no respect within my relationship. I have the proper channels to leave but he isn't giving me any room to grow. I am pro-poly-relationships as well but it's not cut out for me. I am a monogamous type of women. When I am a women I stay true to her and when I married my husband I still to this day have been true to only him. Makes it worse her family doesn't care, her mother adores my husband and has given him permission to date her child and this was after they "kicked" her out. Which I'm thinking never was the case.

[sysper]

i agree finding a bf/gf for urself to spite ur husband would not be fair to that person, his gf & urself & there isn't nething wrong with the poly lifestyle, it's a challenge but it's up to the people involved to make it work. but it looks like ur giving & giving & receiving nothing in return, 0. i can sense some bitterness & u should be. what is ur husband doing for u, is he there for u emotionally, does he cleanup around the house, nething? he has the balls not only to have a gf on the side but to have her live in ur place. have u let him know how hurtfull this is for u? perhaps he doesn't realize this although he should, but to be fair u gotta let him know so ur sure he realizes this. u might have to let his gf realize too. if he's unwilling to consider ur feelings, u gotta leave him for ur own sanity. from what ur saying he's a sponge, it's not a healthy place to be, on top of flaunting another women right in ur face. please demand more for urself.

[Loki1]

time for a divorce, before you are too restricted, with kids, and all finances intertwined...............LEAVE NOW. find someone who loves and respects you. he has his doormat now, don't be a second.

BE HAPPY, you deserve it.............GOOD LUCK

[Dimitri]

In my opinion when a third is brought into the relationship, it should be with the utmost approval of ALL parties. Your husband cannot simply bring another woman into YOUR home and expect that this is acceptable. If he thinks it is time for the relationship to be opened he needs to consult with you and then go from there in the process of choosing the third playmate. You are clearly upset by this, and who the hell can blame you. I think divorce is personally a bit hasty, but I think it is time to have a long talk with your husband. The girl sounds like a predator and your husband is the meat.

[darkeyes]

In my opinion when a third is brought into the relationship, it should be with the utmost approval of ALL parties. Your husband cannot simply bring another woman into YOUR home and expect that this is acceptable. If he thinks it is time for the relationship to be opened he needs to consult with you and then go from there in the process of choosing the third playmate. You are clearly upset by this, and who the hell can blame you. I think divorce is personally a bit hasty, but I think it is time to have a long talk with your husband. The girl sounds like a predator and your husband is the meat.

Coff..splutter.. choke... Jeeeeeezzzz.... the Girl is the predator? Gud grief... u wer ok tillya opened ya cyber trap and sed that.. is obvious who the selfish predatory wanker is in this relationship... an it isn't female...

[tenni]

I think that this is one of the clearest example's of Gear's previously statement that the only person who can decide if you are going to be monogamous is yourself. You can not impose monogamy on other people. You have decided to remain monogamous but he has not. Now, you have traditional societal values on your side that you husband should comply with your wishes. He is defying societal norm behaviour by showing that he has no intention of being monogamous. You are in conflict because he won't do what society says that he should do. You want to be monogamous and you want to impose your decision on him.

It is not working. You can accept what he has chosen to do or impose consequences on him in an attempt to control him. Don't fool yourself. You are trying to control him. It is your choice. You will have a lot of tut tutters standing beside you saying that they support you.

[sysper]

i wouldn't put it like that because u can also say u can not impose polygamy on other people too. but u do bring up a good point. scilla chooses monogamy, her husband choose poly. these are not compatable. she's gotta work with her husband for some kinda compromise, basically 1 of them is gonna have to change in order to keep the marriage. not saying this should or shouldn't happen, but if they can't work things out there isn't much hope for the marriage.

[darkeyes]

i wouldn't put it like that because u can also say u can not impose polygamy on other people too. but u do bring up a good point. scilla chooses monogamy, her husband choose poly. these are not compatable. she's gotta work with her husband for some kinda compromise, basically 1 of them is gonna have to change in order to keep the marriage. not saying this should or shouldn't happen, but if they can't work things out there isn't much hope for the marriage.

I keep saying it in these pages.. there is no possibility of compromise 'tween one who prefers monogamy to another who wishes to pursue a more poly lifestyle... one or t'otha wins out.. the otha has 2 lose by definition unless t'otha has genuine and heartfelt change of attitude.... and in end quite possibly both parties lose out.. shud they keep the marriage going? I have ver serious doubts that it can ever b kept going for long.. it isn't impossible but I wud say it is unlikely... serpently unlikely as long as hubbie thinks he can have 'is cake and eat it an' stuff wot 'is wife wants......

[Gearbox]

Thank you for your honesty!! Our child is in California, I asked my dad to get her and take her for the summer. I do feel like I have no respect within my relationship. I have the proper channels to leave but he isn't giving me any room to grow. I am pro-poly-relationships as well but it's not cut out for me. I am a monogamous type of women. When I am a women I stay true to her and when I married my husband I still to this day have been true to only him. Makes it worse her family doesn't care, her mother adores my husband and has given him permission to date her child and this was after they "kicked" her out. Which I'm thinking never was the case.

Am sorry to even mention your child, and was not in any way questioning your parenting. It was to point out that you & your child is a unit, but not you & your husband. You don't have a functional husband & wife partnership IMO.

You have a perfect right to be monogamous, and he has same right not to be. Neither can change the other, but can opt out or accept.
BUT what goes on in your home is a completely different matter. ANY change there SHOULD be unanimously agreed to, or rejected (at any time). You have to be respected! Simple as!
It's one thing meeting others for sex outside the home, and another thing moving them in to it. I'm in an open relationship at the mo, and that's fine by me. I couldn't care less what goes on when I'm not around. But if we lived together and another bloke/woman was moved in....or even turned up for a shag....without MY say so beforehand.....you'd see me on the UK news....and not in my nicest moods.

It's not jealousy! It's lack of respect, and it's solely up to you to get it, sorry. Soon though, before you believe that you don't require it.

[Highlandtown]

If this type of relationship wasn't discussed and agreed to prior to marriage, then his attitude is unjust. You say that you agreed to a threesome. This is not that and he has overstepped his bounds by forcing this upon you. You are not required to care for a child that has parents of her own. Send them to the movies and while they are gone, change the locks and put their stuff on the doorstep.

[Ja&Ve]

Total lack of respect for his primary relationship. If he were mine he'd be getting a serious what fer. I refuse to be disrespected. He would do so at his own peril. I don't even tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully.

[scilla08]

I'm not denying to control him. He has done nothing but act like a teenager ever since well ever. He can't keep a job and provide for his daughter and myself and it's like he's not respecting me. and I have told him this and he says "Tough, deal with it"..

[scilla08]

Send them to the movies and while they are gone, change the locks and put their stuff on the doorstep.

I am ready to do that but I would just pack my things and our daughters and go to Cali. and No this issue I am having wasn't talked about or agreed when we got married, it just happened. And it seems it's here to stay till either she leaves or I get enough money and leave myself.

[sysper]

I am ready to do that but I would just pack my things and our daughters and go to Cali. and No this issue I am having wasn't talked about or agreed when we got married, it just happened. And it seems it's here to stay till either she leaves or I get enough money and leave myself.

well if ur husband's gf just happened i guess it's fair if ur leaving just happens lol hopefully u2 don't have ne bank accounts in each other's name or nething like that. make sure u cover everything if u do leave him. but i would try to reason with him 1 last time. if he understands u & ur pain & is willing to sacrifice for ur marriage, unlikely i know but it might happen, u could avoid this & both work hard on ur marriage. but if he doesn't agree to budge, i think it shows even with little chance of success u care about ur marriage & u have gone out of ur way to try & save ur marriage.

[jimdawg]

I second so many posts here. I understand wanting monogamy-I'm a bit tired and not reading everything through-and not wanting to throw everything away as well. Three is enough? He says this. And it seems like he's doing things without your consent.

Now, it might make sense in some sort of ways, but if you're not comfortable, and this hasn't been done before, then it is a shift in the terms of a commitment-marriage. It is as if he's breaking a contract and you have to defend your interests (ie: Emotions, wealth). And you can "settle" in the same way you'd settle a lawsuit. Good terms, bad terms, just terms. The point is, get something you can live with. And though I'm not sure I'm a monogamous type, you'd bet I'd be mad if I was dating someone who wanted someone on the side (a younger version of what I can do) without sharing them with me-such things would be for US, not THEM. Unless explicitly agreed.

[Long Duck Dong]

ahhhh... husband not working, GF at school..... are you supposed to pay for her upkeep too ? because it all reads like a one sided deal to me... you pay for your husbands lifestyle with money and support... and there is no support or consideration for you....

I can see where you are not monogamous, you were open to a 3some for his birthday and that its your husband that is not open to the idea of you having a gf / partner of your own, so some of the posters in this thread are clearly not paying attention to what you are saying, at all....

personally, I would agree with other posters, there is no consideration for you as a primary partner or the fact that you are financially supporting the marriage, and I dare say your own sexual exploration and interests are on hold..... and thats really not a good place to be.... so I would suggest that you give your husband what he wants, which is a GF, and also the responsibility of supporting his GF with money, while you take the time out to have some scilla time... maybe a extended vacation or working holiday with other people ( what else happens or does not happen is optional ) .... this gives him what he wants but also the responsibility that goes with having a GF, because he clearly under estimates the value of a wife and a partner that is supportive, open minded, understanding... and you are the type of partner that many poly people would like to have as a partner, as they know that you are open to compromise, talking and working out a reasonable situation

I can not guarantee that he will grow up and realise that a triadic relationship is not one where one partner pays for everything, one gets laid and does nothing else, and the 3rd person gets everything for nothing but I dare say a lot of people in the forum would say hell no to that type of situation......

[elmwood7]

I think you need to tell him straight out that your not ok with the situation and never agreed to it. Then tell him that if he isn't willing to change then your going to leave. It's not a healthy arrangement for you or your daughter . And he's just using you to support his lifestyle without your input or participation.

[tenni]

I agree with many of the statements that this is not as much about monogamy as disrespect. Unlike Ja&V, this may not be about a "primary relationship" in your husband's mind. There may not be a primary sexual relationship in his mind. However, the financial and parental relationship has very little to do with his sexual relationship with this young woman. If he sees her as a temporary relationship and that she will leave, that doesn't give him the right to have her live with him when you are the primary financial contributor. I think that you do need to end this for your child's sake or make a serious temporary separation. He doesn't have his shit together at all and that has little to do with his poly sexual beliefs. There is something inappropriate about his thinking process. I don't think that a conversation with him will improve his thinking or behaviour. It is probably not going to be worth your energy as far as improving your relationship with him but I guess that you should give it one last attempt. I just don't see him changing though until he is forced to. Has he always been so self centred or has his behaviour changed in the past year or so?

[Realist]

I agree with Tenni...your husband has shown that he has little respect for you, or your feelings. You can't MAKE a person love you the way you want them to.

I have a personal interest in your case, as I divorced my 2nd wife for issues of similar, but non-sexual, actions. I foresee your relationship going nowhere, fast!

I could live with an occasional indiscretion, but not out-right disrespect, inconsiderate behavior, or such blatant selflessness!

I wish you luck with your decisions and hopefully you can get some peace and stability back in your life, soon.

good luck!

[scilla08]

This is why I posted on this site. I love you guys!! I have my own bank account, and making plans with my job for a transfer. I started going to counseling, and then the judge has ordered Mandatory couples therapy before he moves forward on the divorce proceedings. I have tried to keep my cool, but lately I've been blowing up at him and it's gets us no where but him going to her and crying. As for the 3-some for his birthday, it's on his bucket list. I have done nothing but complain to him and most of it has been selfish reasons. I wanted to do something nice for him. We have talked about how he's being disrespectful, but he doesn't see it that way. It's not okay, but I am making plans for me and my daughter. I do plan on moving back home to Cali as soon as I get money and/or transfer. If I can't get transferred I still plan on moving out. Can't stay here while they are here or more specifically her.