My husband wants me to have a threesome with him and another bi/transsexual...

[Confused but in love]

I found out after being married for six months that my husband has been looking at Craigslist ads writing men and transsexuals. I was initially really hurt and felt betrayed but then I realized that can't be easy. I decided to talk and mostly listen to him and accept it. Now he wants me to have a threesome and I don't known how I feel or what to think. Our sex is incredible but I know this is a fantasy for him (although I do think he has been with a man). I am glad he was honest but I still feel like he is or would cheat on me. I can't explain other than a gut feeling and his track record. Everything I know is because I caught him, never him just telling me. I feel so many different things but when I try to talk to him he gets mad and defensive and I'm not sure why. I love him so much and feel like I am pretty open and I have been with girls but I was single and young but now I'm afraid I will hold it against him. I'm so confused and I do try to talk to him and whether about this or anything he will flip it and say I do whatever I am trying to talk to him about. I am hoping to get some honest input. I am very open minded and will truly consider all options. I love my husband and our two sons so I want this to work but I don't like me like this....insecure and worried. Thank you for reading this!

[Long Duck Dong]

ok, your partner needs to stop being so defensive about what he is up to...... and that is something that is going to require him to look in the mirror and think about why he is acting the way he is.....

it is too easy to create excuses for his behievour like society would never understand or what he wants to do, is not a acceptable act for a male etc.... but there is a time and a place when he needs to stop making the excuses about what the rest of the world thinks, and start talking to you, his partner..... the world and society is not married to you, he is.... and therefore its not the world and society that is to blame for the way he is acting and not dealing with the issues he has.....

one point I would like to make, is that when you take the trans aspect out of the situation, then its a threesome with another person that sees themselves as a specific gender and therefore wants to be treated as that gender.... so its possible that his interest in a trans person may be exactly that, or it could be a interest in a person that is part male / part female, some people refer to them as lady boys or shemales..... so that is something to bear in mind when he talks about his fantasy and desires.....

something that stands out to me a lot and its something I have noticed many times, is that partners can tend to not be open and honest with their partners when it comes to their sexual activities, but when it comes to having a threesome etc with their partner, they generally do not have as many issues with talking about it.... and that can be hard on a partner as it can make a person feel they are only talked with, if they are agreeing to sex for / with their partner, and at other times the partner is kept in the dark....
it makes it harder to be open and honest with your partner if they will not do much talking but are asking you to be accepting and understanding of them and their desires.....

personally, I would stand your ground and put it to him.... he needs to treat you like a partner, with honesty and respect or his threesome is going to remain his fantasy and you can say that because you are one of the people involved and your rights as a partner and a person, matter... until he realises that and faces the fact that you are his partner and not somebody he is hooking up with on craigslist, it may be a long and rocky road.....

as I have said to other members, your hubby needs a swift kick in the ass for the way he has been acting towards you and the way he has being carrying on behind your back.... people talk about acceptance, tolerance, understanding of who they are and what they are... but when it comes to other people, including their partners, they are quick to forget that the person that they want the acceptance, tolerance and understanding from, is also the people they are not being considerate and respectful of......
open and honest communication with acceptance and understanding, is a two way street in a marriage as many members that are in relationships or marriages, can tell you... and if both partners can be open and honest, it can make for a fantastic relationship and often a compromise with sexual matters when it comes to opening up the relationship, even if one partner is happy to only have one partner while their partner is intimate with other people.....

[FinkDoodle]

Bottom line . . don't do anything you're not comfortable with. I don't care how "in love" you think you are . . that kind of business usually leaves scars and nothing is ever the same again afterwards.

[tenni]

Hi
You write that you accept your husband as a bisexual. What does that mean to you? To me, to accept means to incorporate his sexuality and same gender behaviour into both of your lives. If he wants to be with a man sexually that you agree to it.

This doesn’t mean that you need to be physically there unless you want to be there.

You need to create “rules” of his engagement as a bisexual. Do you want to be physically present when he has sex with a man or transexual? Do you want to know the man that he has sex with? Do you want him to use protection in all sex acts with men or just penetrative sex? etc.

You mention that you are afraid that you might hold his sexuality against him due to your own feelings of insecurity. That suggests to me that you do not fully accept his bisexuality if he wants and has same sex interactions. You also mention that you suspect that he has cheated by being with another man. You need to resolve your feelings of insecurity on this. If you accept his bisexuality, it should not matter to you that he has had sex with other men. Again, the rules may help you both as you create them as you move forward.

You write that you do not know why he gets angry when you try to talk to him about his same sex behaviour. It can be difficult for a bisexual man to accept himself. Do you think that he accepts himself as a bisexual man? It may be a good idea to have a third party present during your discussions. There may be something that you are unware of about how you are discussing this matter or something that he find difficult to open up about. A counsellor who is bisexual supportive may help. You mention that you do not like the emotions that you are experiencing. Hopefully, your husband will go with you. If he refuses, I would go and get some counselling on your own.

I know that I am considering locating a counsellor for myself about a different aspect of my bisexuality and finding it difficult to find a counsellor who is sensitive to bisexuality. I wish you well in your search as not all who present themselves as a counsellor have the skills to deal with bisexuality.

Good luck to you and your husband.

btw I am a bit unclear about how long you have been aware of your husband's bisexuality. In this thread you mention six months after you married him. In your profile you mention seven months ago. You mention two children. Were you with him and had children with him before you married?

[NETencouple]

It is easy to tell your confused, but that is fine. Many men find it very hard to reconcile being bisexual in their own minds. This is in large part, i feel, due to the societal expectations for and of men in this country. This could be a big reason why he is so defensive about his sexuality with you. He is waiting for the other shoe to drop and you to reject him and want to leave him. Many things go in to creating our sexual personalities, but most children have had their sexual demeanor and curiosity imprinted on them by age 10-12. Another consideration for you is that he may have been forced in to sexual contact at an early age that has caused him to feel bad or dirty about his sexual desires and contacts. I feel that you 'catching' him is possibly a bad thing and he is feeling bad about who he is in your eyes now. It is entirely possible that he would have came out to you in the future, but circumstances forced it on him now.
You mentioned that you have had some bisexual encounters in your younger years, think how you would feel if your now husband had 'caught' you with another woman. Would you expect him to hold it against you? If not, why would you hold it against it him?
Feeling insecure is a big issue as well, and that has nothing to with him, but everything to do with you. Is your concern that he loves these men and would leave you for them, or are you worried you can not provide him with sexual gratification? That is something you should figure out and then discuss with him in a non confrontational way. You may find that like many bisexual men i know he just has a need to be sexual with men, and does not want anything more from them. Remember that men and women view sex in different terms. Many women see sex as a confirmation of their love for the other person, while many men view it simply as a release of sexual energy. Sex with a loving partner for a man is very different from sex for sex in a man's head. He may even view it as not cheating on you since he does not love the other person, just lusts after them. Very distinct difference there in many men's heads. We tend to compartmentalize things in our head and many women do not understand this. How could someone have sex with some they do not love?
The three way may be his way of trying to include you in his private sexual world by sharing the experience with you so you do not feel left out. He may be totally satisfied with you and your sexual relationship, but has a need for male sex to feel complete.
I am not a psych doc, just explaining my life experiences to date, some successes and others failures, but that is what I have experienced. Feel free to contact me if you would like to chat about it and my wife is also bi and might be persuaded to talk with you as well.

[tenni]

excellent points WPA! I agree that bisexual men can have an extremely difficult time with the way that society reacts to us. (that a few posters on this site who continue to blame and chastise bisexual men on this site). It shouldn't be about "blame" but increasing understanding and resolving bisexual issues that affect bimen (rarely are bisexual women "blamed"on this site). I'm not sure about the early child sex experiences possibility but yes there are reasons why the husband is reacting the way that he is ...now that the cat is out of the bag as far as his sexuality. There are reasons for his inability to move forward in a more constructive manner.

[Confused but in love]

We each have a fifteen year old boy and were married over a year ago. I am open to anything and accept anything about anyone if I'm told but what I'm not ok with is the lying and having to find out by other people or stumbling onto it on the computer. He lied until he couldn't anymore and I see that pattern continuing. He begins by going thru my emails and my phone and my purse. Then he lashes out at me for every little thing. He also disappears in the middle of the night to supposedly get food when we have a ton. I am angry that he wants unprotected sex when he is HIV positive and doesn't tell anyone. I found out from his ex and then I found out his mom and some of his friends knew. I have always been very careful and taken precautions and been tested. It hurt more than anything to find out the way I did. I asked then if there was anything else and he said no. He lied about how he got it and pretty much everything until I had printed emails I saw that he left up. I am going to counseling alone now but he did go and I felt it helped us communicate better however it didn't stop him from sneaking around the when caught I end up in the hospital and my family all think I'm an alcoholic since I have "fallen" lately. I know why he is the way he is and the counselors feel he is bipolar but until he sees it and wants help again (which he did before) there is nothing any of us can do.

[Gearbox]

I am open to anything and accept anything about anyone............

Even violence? Are you actualy making a big fuss about his lies, yet taking his violence 'in your stride'?
This unfortunately isn't uncommon amongst violently abused partners. Some would suffer all kinds of 'falls' ending up in the hospital, but won't suffer deciet.
Be honest with yourself and ask yourself WHY you lie about your 'falls'. What good is letting people think your an alcoholic and not telling them the truth?
Your not in love with him, but who you want him to be. Never going to happen!

I hope you at least tell ALL to your councilor and he/she will get you the help you more urgently need.
IMO get out while you still got some self esteem left!

[darkeyes]

Even violence? Are you actualy making a big fuss about his lies, yet taking his violence 'in your stride'?
This unfortunately isn't uncommon amongst violently abused partners. Some would suffer all kinds of 'falls' ending up in the hospital, but won't suffer deciet.
Be honest with yourself and ask yourself WHY you lie about your 'falls'. What good is letting people think your an alcoholic and not telling them the truth?
Your not in love with him, but who you want him to be. Never going to happen!

I hope you at least tell ALL to your councilor and he/she will get you the help you more urgently need.
IMO get out while you still got some self esteem left!

He raids the emails? Goes through the fone? Rakes the purse? And lashes out at u? Hun, if what u say is true, taken with all the rest it's time to get shot.. time to show him the door and make ur life ur own... I have been beaten by bf's.. twice.. once by a gf... no 1 gets a second chance no matter the remorse and no matter the counselling and no matter what they do to try and reform.. it's a rule I live by and Gear is right... if he won't go u get out of there.. there are shelters for battered wives if u have nowhere to go.. just end it.. I've seen enough of battered female partners loyal and "in love" with their men who act such.. who tell the tales of walking into doors or falling downstairs.. who blame themselves for his rage often so low is their self esteem... who stay with or return to their men (and women too for some of them are no angels).. sometimes such women pay the ultimate price.. occasionally the partner does once she has finally snapped.. do as Gear says.. get out and and get out now... better.. get him out if u can, but lose him from ur life...

[Long Duck Dong]

We each have a fifteen year old boy and were married over a year ago. I am open to anything and accept anything about anyone if I'm told but what I'm not ok with is the lying and having to find out by other people or stumbling onto it on the computer. He lied until he couldn't anymore and I see that pattern continuing. He begins by going thru my emails and my phone and my purse. Then he lashes out at me for every little thing. He also disappears in the middle of the night to supposedly get food when we have a ton. I am angry that he wants unprotected sex when he is HIV positive and doesn't tell anyone. I found out from his ex and then I found out his mom and some of his friends knew. I have always been very careful and taken precautions and been tested. It hurt more than anything to find out the way I did. I asked then if there was anything else and he said no. He lied about how he got it and pretty much everything until I had printed emails I saw that he left up. I am going to counseling alone now but he did go and I felt it helped us communicate better however it didn't stop him from sneaking around the when caught I end up in the hospital and my family all think I'm an alcoholic since I have "fallen" lately. I know why he is the way he is and the counselors feel he is bipolar but until he sees it and wants help again (which he did before) there is nothing any of us can do.

I am curious, why do you stay in a situation like that ? I understand that you love him and you would feel guilty if you walked away from the marriage but is this the type of relationship you want to spend your life in ?

part of why people get away with the things they do, is that their own partners protect them out of a sense of love, loyalty and a understanding that they can help the person if they just do that lil bit more for them... its very admirable, it says volumes about you as a person and how much you care, however it creates a situation of empowerment, a situation where your partner is able to do what he does as nobody is stopping him and you are protecting him and allowing it to continue.....

what can make it more complicated is that you are what is called a enabling victim, you become trapped in a situation that is ongoing because of your own circumstances, IE you have nowhere else to go or anybody to turn to and that can be part of why you stay....and that is why there are many women and men that stay in abusive / destructive situations, unfortunately some of them pay a very high place for their love, caring and commitment to the relationship and their partner....

yes its true that its easier for me to give the advice than follow the same advice myself, and I was in a very abusive relationship myself with a partner that have numerous affairs, so I do understand what it is like to be in a situation like yours..... I ended the relationship myself, but it did take a lot of soul searching and second guessing myself before I did.....and I get the impression that you are in pretty much the same situation... you are questioning yourself, your actions and reactions, your thoughts and feelings.....

you do not have to leave the relationship in order to reach out for help and support if need be, you just need to speak to the right people that can help you and your partner, tho some people may suggest that you leave the living situation for a time to force your partners hand and make sure that he addresses the issues that exist within the relationship, however I have the feeling that it is possible that he may end up in custodial care as a result of your speaking up and out, and that is something that you also want to avoid.....

at the end of the day, its your life, your health and safety that is at risk..... and we can only suggest things that you need to do, its up to you to make the choices... but I will say one thing, if your empowerment of your husbands actions results in somebody becoming hiv positive, it can be your neck in the noose so to speak as you partly allowed it to happen....specially if it is you that ends up hiv positive.....

having lost my sister to aids, its hell on earth to lose the ones you love, and you have a son to think about, my dear.....

[tenni]

I'm sorry but he reads like a shallow cartoon character of a man. Like the others, I think that you need to distance yourself from him sooner than later.

[Confused but in love]

Thank you everyone for all your comments and advice. I did tell my husband how I feel about the threesome. As for the rest I don't know. I'm working on it and hopefully make the right decisions.

[wifekinky4husband]

I was just curious how your situation has turned out?

[tenni]

Hi Wife
If you are reading an old thread and wondering about the OP, you might want to look at their profile to see the last time the poster was on the site.. The OP has not been on this site since Oct 18, 2012 3:25 AM. She is not going to be able to answer your question.

[wifekinky4husband]

ahhhh thanks tenni