How to cut things off with them without offending her.

**Jobelorocks** · Aug 24, 2012, 1:50 PM

Well, we have been meeting up with a couple to swing with. We have met about 4 times, and the first three times were great and everyone seemed to click. The second time we met we found out the husband is an atheist, which we didn't see as a problem, because he seemed to be respect that we believed differently than him.

Well that all changed the last time we met. We were all socializing and having a good time playing a board game when theism came up. We talked some about why we believe that there is some sort of higher power out there. We did no personal attacks against atheists. He started flipping out then and yelling at us, telling us that Catholicism (we are Catholics) is stupid, people are stupid to believe in a God, and that since we are Catholics, that means we approved of the scandal that happened in the Church several years back, and even said that people who have been sexually assaulted would have been better off if they were just murdered. Needless to say we felt disrespected in our own home and offended at so many of the things he said. I have been raped in the past so that last part really offended me.

Now, after that things cooled down and we finished our board game. After the game was done, they wanted to move things along to the bedroom. We were really not interested in that and said that we were tired and wanted to go to bed. They left. The next day the wife texts me asking if we didn't want to get frisky because we weren't attracted to her anymore. I said no and left it at that.

Well, we want to cut things off, but we don't want to get in another fight or make the wife feel that we don't like her. Any suggestions on how to go about this?

**DuckiesDarling** · Aug 24, 2012, 2:01 PM

Tough one, Jobelo but since I always "preach" honesty to sexual partners, that's what you should be. You no longer feel compatible and it is for the reasons of having your beliefs disparaged and mocked. She can either accept that it wasn't her or not. Sometimes being honest can hurt a person but it's better to be honest and let her know so she can avoid the same problem in the future by checking out the differing viewpoints of religion before getting sexually involved. Whatever you do, I'm sure you'll do it with more tact than that husband showed.

**outintheworld** · Aug 24, 2012, 2:06 PM

You can take my advice with a grain of salt. But Be honest with her. Tell her that You both enjoyed her and found her to be a great person. But that there comes a serious conflict when her spouse takes a discussion and turns it into a personal attack. So from that stand point, you don't believe that as two couples, that you mesh well. Let her know that she will be missed and that you wish it didn't have to be this way. But as each couple has their own "rules" for play and relations. You must stick to your guns and that its nothing personal towards her.

Hopefully that will lead her to have a discussion with her mate, and that their future endeavors would be more fruitful if he chooses to take personal inventory.

Sorry that it turned that way for you.

**falcondfw** · Aug 24, 2012, 2:19 PM

Jobelo,
You have excellent advice from both DD and outintheworld. Bottom line, tactfully, be honest. Tell her that you all had a great time, right up to the point when her hubby wigged out and started attacking your religious beliefs. Explain to her that those kinds of personal attacks are a complete turn off and that, as a result, you and hub do not feel that you are compatible with them as a couple. Make sure she knows you really enjoyed her company and enjoyed playing with her, but you and hub do not feel things will work because of the incompatibilities her hub displayed last time.

**Jobelorocks** · Aug 24, 2012, 2:24 PM

Man, it is times like this I wished I had a fancy phone that had auto-correct of some sort, a key board, or something of the sort. lol. I will have to talk more to the hubby about this, but I am not looking forward to typing out such a long text.

**blugirl789** · Aug 24, 2012, 2:32 PM

she must be so used to him having outbursts since she thought the lack of sex was due to her unattractiveness versus him yelling at you.

if you are candid with her, she'll prob tell the guy. ugh. tough situation. if i was in that spot, i wouldn't respond to them at all. but if you do respond out of courtesy, just keep it short. you can't help how they view themselves or the situation. so why try. gotta worry about keeping the drama out of your own lives. at least you had a few great experiences with them.

**tommyswing** · Aug 24, 2012, 2:42 PM

I find it telling the wife didn't consider his outburst could offend you, her husband sounds controlling and abusive. If he does that with people he doesn't know well, imagine how he is when he gets really comfortable with you. Being honest with her may help her see how abusive and inappropriate his behavior really is. I can also understand your being uncomfortable, as I'm not fond of direct confrontation.

**Jobelorocks** · Aug 24, 2012, 3:35 PM

Ya, I just want to make sure she doesn't feel bad and that there isn't a texting or email battle. He has our email and our phone number, and obviously he isn't the type to just leave things be. I will just have to talk to my hubby further and when we do cut it off, try to be brief and tactful. I don't want to lie, I just want things to end as peacefully as possible and without making her feel that she is unattractive or undesirable. I have a slight suspicion that he may have brought up the idea that we didn't want to play because of her. He obviously doesn't have qualms about talking down to other people.

**blugirl789** · Aug 24, 2012, 4:11 PM

good luck jobel. i hope it all works out peacefully.

**Gearbox** · Aug 26, 2012, 4:29 PM

I'd say that they are a lovely couple yada yada but you don't want to go through another round of accusations when/if theism is brought up again.
I wouldn't automaticaly assume that they know how insulting he was. Some think they are doing you a favour by going all atheist extremist on you.lol
Same with gays telling me there's no bisexuality, mid sex session.

**Jobelorocks** · Aug 26, 2012, 5:25 PM

Originally Posted by Gearbox

I'd say that they are a lovely couple yada yada but you don't want to go through another round of accusations when/if theism is brought up again.
I wouldn't automaticaly assume that they know how insulting he was. Some think they are doing you a favour by going all atheist extremist on you.lol
Same with gays telling me there's no bisexuality, mid sex session.

Funny thing is his wife is a Christian. I think he just doesn't really know how to clearly express his beliefs so he thought accusations were the way to go. We just said something general, that we could be wrong about there being a God of some sort, but we believe that there is some sort of higher power and why.

**wanderingrichard** · Aug 26, 2012, 5:37 PM

truly straight up tell them,:" Hey Look, last time we got together you really offended us with your lack of tact in disagreeing with our faith. Sorry but we feel your intolerance is a hindrance to our relationship and we'd appreciate it if you wouldn't come by anymore". [ Alternative: Sorry but we feel your intolerance is a hindrance to our relationship and we arent inviting you back again.]

I've done it twice, and have had it done to me once [ 'We don't allow single bi men here"] Done politely, shouldnt be an issue. Too bad though, sounds like the wife will miss out because of hubby.

**NjbiGuy01** · Aug 26, 2012, 5:49 PM

F*ck religion and politics, and just be friends and enjoy a good time....sheesh

**Jobelorocks** · Aug 26, 2012, 5:52 PM

Originally Posted by NjbiGuy01

F*ck religion and politics, and just be friends and enjoy a good time....sheesh

Ya, he brought it up both times it was discussed. We were fine with his beliefs and not discussing them. We are even fine with discussing different beliefs, just as long as everyone is civil. Obviously he can't do that.

**welickit** · Aug 27, 2012, 4:32 PM

We think you lost your opportunity to do much. The minute he stepped out of line in your house you should have told him to leave. You correct the dog when he poops on the floor, not two weeks later. Regardless, you need to end everything quickly and firmly. No long drawn out exchanges. State your position then do not return emails etc.

**Jobelorocks** · Aug 27, 2012, 5:06 PM

Originally Posted by welickit

We think you lost your opportunity to do much. The minute he stepped out of line in your house you should have told him to leave. You correct the dog when he poops on the floor, not two weeks later. Regardless, you need to end everything quickly and firmly. No long drawn out exchanges. State your position then do not return emails etc.

It is our house so we are going to do things how we see fit. We don't like to burn bridges without discussing with each other what we would like to do, especially since we both previously really liked them both. My husband and I don't make on the spot decisions like that with something like this. We like to wait until the people are gone and we have cooled off so we can discuss what we would like to do in private. After we discussed things, we decided we wanted to cut things off, but we weren't quite sure how to state things, henceforth why I thought I would get some other view points. Just how we do things. Right now we are dealing with hurricane preparations (They would be as well) so we are going to wait to resolve this issue until all this is done.

**Gearbox** · Aug 27, 2012, 5:26 PM

Hope you have a basement to take cover in there? We just don't have that situation in the UK. We did have one, but wasn't given any warning. But it must be scary at the mo, so hope you have a secure place to take refuge in.

As with people like your male guest, sometimes you can be dumstruck at peoples complete lack of tact. I know I can be, and I've seen/heard it all. And also it's good to give time to tactess dicks, so they have a chance to apologise. When they don't, it's as good as saying they will repeat it in the future.
But how unfair that you both are put in this awkward possition because of HIS actions.

**Jobelorocks** · Aug 27, 2012, 6:13 PM

No, we don't have a basement, but a basement probably wouldn't be a good idea due to flooding. lol. We are on the third and fourth story of our apartment building. My hubby is involved directly with aid for natural disasters, so if they told him that he didn't have to evacuate me, I am not worried. I have all I need in the house, so I should be just fine.

**Satyr352** · Aug 28, 2012, 7:02 PM

The late, great Steven Covey summarized it like this: "Agreeable people should be able to disagree agreeably. Don't you agree?"

I have relatives that are waaaay different than me politically and religiously, and they get very emotional about it when the topics are disucussed. I just try to relay that message and let them know that we can have differing points of view on a subject, like politics or religion, and still be friends. Sometimes you have to start the conversation with that.

Satyr.