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  1. #1

    Having the cake and eating it too?

    I'm a bisexual guy in my early thirties. When I say "bisexual" I mean I'm sexually attracted to guys. I fall exclusively in love with women and love to eat pussy - but sometimes I also feel the urge to suck some cock and be fucked by men (which I've done a couple of times with gay guys and bisexual and gay couples back in my single days).

    Roughly a year and a half ago I had a rather short but steamy sexual affair with a girl whom I didn't connect with all that well on other levels. But the sex was great and uninhibited. She straddled me with a strap-on, loved a rough treatment herself, sat on my face and whatnot. Eventually things came to an end on my initiative.

    After her I started dating another girl whom I eventually fell seriously in love with. We share the same sense of humour, enjoy talking endlessly and get along well with each others' friends and family members. Because of the emotional connection, the sex - or should I say love making - feels wonderful on a very different level than with my previous girlfriend(s). I've confided with her that I am bi and have a history of bisexual group sex, pegging and so forth and she's totally alright with it.

    So I've done correctly and laid all my kink cards face up on the table in the beginning, right? But here's the problem: something's missing. I feel that it wouldn't feel right being pegged by the possible mother of my future children, as fucked up as that sounds. Also she is a bit more neurotic and passive in bed than the ex-girlfriend with whom I had so much fun having sex. I also worry about how a monogamous relationship - that she feels strongly for - would work for us with me being bi and having occasionally the urge to have emotionally detached, wild sex with men and possibly other women and couples too.

    For the last couple of months we've been going through a rough patch. She has some psychological issues and we haven't been having lots of sex lately. This has led me back to Craigslist and other dating sites to reply to those personals by bi-couples or gay guys - but only to feed my fantasies. At least for the moment, I'm not seriously thinking about having sex with other people behind my girlfriend's back. And I'm pretty sure we'll bounce back to our satisfactory sex life after she gets her head back together.

    My question is: is it possible to lead a "normal" family life in a monogamous relationship when I also occasionally feel the need to fuck around? Can those feelings be suppressed? Should I still try to pursue proposing an open (or a "monogamish") relationship with her? Or should I just call it quits, refrain from serious, long term future relationships, abandon my dreams of having a family of my own and follow my sexual urges? Is there any way so that I could have the cake and eat it too?

    I'd welcome any experiences by guys in the same situation!

  2. #2

    Re: Having the cake and eating it too?

    Beeman, I can't advise you, but can tell you my experience.

    I've been bisexual my whole life and have enjoyed relationships with both genders since I was 14. I've been married three times and cheated during one marriage, but I didn't cheat on the 1st, or 3rd. I was sorely tempted at times; it was difficult to ignore, but remained monogamous with those two.

    During my 2nd marriage, I cheated during the whole marriage. Once it began, it was almost impossible to stop. It was a terrible way to live and I know (now) I should have stayed single until I found the right partner. Anyway, I stayed until I could no longer stand myself....leaving and moving was the only way I could escape that life. All three of my wives were adamantly against gay and bisexual behavior, but they married me, expecting me to turnover a new leaf and be monogamous. I couldn't do it, no more than I could stay with only men.

    I now have a bisexual GF, who understands my desire for both genders, just as she does. At no time in my life, have I been so fulfilled and happy. For me, the secret was finding a lover who didn't have to change his/her lifestyle, thought process, or morals, for me....nor did I.

    It's been my experience that, no matter how hard I tried, I could never forget that other half of me........ but that was the only way I could remain married to either of them..

  3. #3

    Re: Having the cake and eating it too?

    Thanks for your contribution, Realist!

    Yeah, a bisexual girlfriend would indeed be optimal. But finding a nice, smart and beautiful bi girl who would be up for an open relationship has proven to be difficult. My current gf is all that except for the latter part. She's very monogamous even though she has no problem with my bisexual side (an sich). I also love her very much and don't want to break up with her. But I'm not sure how long I'll be able to resist my urges and stay faithful and your experiences don't really give me much assurance.

  4. #4

    Re: Having the cake and eating it too?

    I can vouch for the fact that it's possible to have a family life and still indulge your sexual tastes. We have been married 25 years and have raised two great kids that are now out on thier own. I think that if someone REALLY loves you, they can accept you for who your are. I did not tell my wife I liked guyplay until 10 years ago. Prior to that, I had a breif encounter here and there but nothing very frequent. I hated being a liar and a sneak but I never felt like she could accept that part of me. She was also somewhat emotionally fragile and I felt she would be hurt and paranoid about that subject. Since opening up to her the exact opposite has been the case. I still don't see men very often but when I do she gets informed and that has worked for us.
    I guess it all depends on the spouse. Best of luck to you and feel free to write me if I can be a sounding board for you.

  5. #5

    Re: Having the cake and eating it too?

    I am much happier having my cake and eating it too. It took me until I was 53 to start living my life as the bisexual I was born as and stop play acting the script the straight world had written for me. My wife and I have a fabulous marriage even though it is quite different from what society says a marriage should look like. . Beeman you are young yet I would try and find that happy point in the sand where you can get your needs met and your girlfriend will also be happy. There is a world of options between monogamous even in your heart and wild orgies with anyone and everyone. So often people hear open marriage and they shut down far better to discuss the nuts and bolts of what that means and remove the emotional loaded jargon, you may find your girlfriend says I dont mind the nuts , its the bolts I have a problem with and you may say , you know what I dont care about the bolts its the nuts I really want, and there you go you get your cake and eat it too and everyone lives happily ever after.

    Mark

  6. #6

    Re: Having the cake and eating it too?

    Yes it is possible to live a monongamous relationship, I have been doing it for 19 years. However it is not easy. The urges do not go away and they are difficult to deal with at times. They can't be suppressed.

    I think the expression "having your cake and eating it" to is not quite right in this context. I feel I have my cake and eat it to. The issue is there is second cake on the table that looks equally as nice that I would like to taste as well.
    Last edited by bikiniman; May 28, 2012 at 8:45 PM.

  7. #7

    Re: Having the cake and eating it too?

    Great post Beeman, it applies to me almost word for word except that my gf doesn't know I'm bi. I can only imagine a hugely negative reaction if I did reveal the truth.

    it's tough being in love while keeping your hidden desires in check at the same time. The one time I met a girl that I felt comfortable disclosing my desires to (if not my actual experiences) I was overcome with an incredible sense of elation and arousal. If only we'd been more compatible outside of the bedroom. I have no contact with her now.

    Having an bi-accepting or bisexual partner must be the ultimate jackpot.

  8. #8

    Re: Having the cake and eating it too?

    Sounds like quite the delimma, Sweetie. Looks like you're either going to have to have a serious talk with her about an occasional man in your life, or just being monogamous with her the rest of your life.
    Good luck whichever way you wind up going. Hope it all turns out well for you..:}
    Cat
    I'm tryin' my best to leave a loving foot print on the hearts of the folks who's lives I touch..longly, or briefly..:}
    Minx

    Women and cats will do as they please, so men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
    Robert A. Heinlein

  9. #9

    Re: Having the cake and eating it too?

    Quote Originally Posted by beeman View Post
    I'm a bisexual guy in my early thirties. When I say "bisexual" I mean I'm sexually attracted to guys. I fall exclusively in love with women and love to eat pussy - but sometimes I also feel the urge to suck some cock and be fucked by men (which I've done a couple of times with gay guys and bisexual and gay couples back in my single days).

    Roughly a year and a half ago I had a rather short but steamy sexual affair with a girl whom I didn't connect with all that well on other levels. But the sex was great and uninhibited. She straddled me with a strap-on, loved a rough treatment herself, sat on my face and whatnot. Eventually things came to an end on my initiative.

    After her I started dating another girl whom I eventually fell seriously in love with. We share the same sense of humour, enjoy talking endlessly and get along well with each others' friends and family members. Because of the emotional connection, the sex - or should I say love making - feels wonderful on a very different level than with my previous girlfriend(s). I've confided with her that I am bi and have a history of bisexual group sex, pegging and so forth and she's totally alright with it.

    So I've done correctly and laid all my kink cards face up on the table in the beginning, right? But here's the problem: something's missing. I feel that it wouldn't feel right being pegged by the possible mother of my future children, as fucked up as that sounds. Also she is a bit more neurotic and passive in bed than the ex-girlfriend with whom I had so much fun having sex. I also worry about how a monogamous relationship - that she feels strongly for - would work for us with me being bi and having occasionally the urge to have emotionally detached, wild sex with men and possibly other women and couples too.

    For the last couple of months we've been going through a rough patch. She has some psychological issues and we haven't been having lots of sex lately. This has led me back to Craigslist and other dating sites to reply to those personals by bi-couples or gay guys - but only to feed my fantasies. At least for the moment, I'm not seriously thinking about having sex with other people behind my girlfriend's back. And I'm pretty sure we'll bounce back to our satisfactory sex life after she gets her head back together.

    My question is: is it possible to lead a "normal" family life in a monogamous relationship when I also occasionally feel the need to fuck around? Can those feelings be suppressed? Should I still try to pursue proposing an open (or a "monogamish") relationship with her? Or should I just call it quits, refrain from serious, long term future relationships, abandon my dreams of having a family of my own and follow my sexual urges? Is there any way so that I could have the cake and eat it too?

    I'd welcome any experiences by guys in the same situation!
    Hi Beeman,

    First, let me answer your questions, then talk about why they were answered the way I did.

    "is it possible to lead a "normal" family life in a monogamous relationship when I also occasionally feel the need to fuck around?" Of course it's possible.but certainly not desirable. It is also very obvious that it is not what you want. What you want is falling in love with someone who, like your current g/f shares the same sense of humor, talking, and family and friends. Additionally, you want her to be wild in bed, uninhibited, adventurous, Someone who is OK with your bisexuality, not just OK with your past experiences, but supportive of new ones. (You are correct, that wonderful feeling about sex is the emotional connection (love) that was missing with your former girlfriend.) Given your choice, you would probably want someone who is an active participant in your bisexual adventures.

    I would suggest that you also want a woman who will peg you regularly. Yes, I know you said it wouldn't feel right. Yes, there is always the imagined conversation: "Son, your Mom does a great job fucking me with her strap-on." How about this one? "Yes Daughter, your Mother and I exchange oral pleasures and have intercourse, but I also like to suck cock and get fucked, so If you ever have any questions . . ." There are just some things that are none of you children's' business. Live a full life. Pick the lady who will give it to you as you like it.

    "Can those feelings be suppressed?" An unqualified, wall-shattering, unchanging "NO!" Did you expect any other answer? You hit a rough spot and snuck off to Craig's List.


    "Should I still try to pursue proposing an open (or a "monogamish") relationship with her?" NO! You don't really believe that talking would change things, do you? You would end up married, in a monogamous relationship that she feels strongly about. Shortly thereafter your back on Craig's List and later sucking cock and getting fucked on the sly. Yes, there are guys here who have been successful for long periods of time remaining monogamous and suppressing their desires. None of them like it, but they made commitments and are staying true. I applaud them, but you aren't them. I doubt you'd last. Not a put down, just being practical and basing my opinion on what you have stated your conduct has been.

    Or should I just call it quits, With the current g/f? YES! You say you love her, but you indicate she has psychological problems and is neurotic and passive in bed. She's OK with your bisexuality (wink, wink), but thinks you don't really have a need for it because you now have her, so you will give it up to be monogamous with her (just like you gave up the prior g/f). If you look at it logically, she really isn't the one to satisfy you as a whole person. Remember, we are complete within ourselves, we don't need someone to complete us and since we have a choice is determining who our mate will be, why not select the person who will be enthusiastic about us the way we are and want us to continue to grow as a person instead of stifling those parts of us they don't like.

    "refrain from serious, long term future relationships, abandon my dreams of having a family of my own" NO! There is no reason that fulfilling your sexual desires should negate the possibility of having a relationship or becoming a gamily man.

    "follow my sexual urges?" YES! YES! YES! Now it's just a matter of finding the right person.

    "Is there any way so that I could have the cake and eat it too?" YES!

    OK, why did I give you the answers I did? It's because of my experience. I recently married my third, wonderful, supportive, bisexual wife, so I really know how marvelous life can be for a bisexual man.

    My first wife and I started swinging in the 60s. We experimented and discovered our bisexuality together. 15 years of sexual adventure followed before I lost her to cancer.

    Two years later, a remarried. Both my first wife and I had known her and played with her. The second wife and I had 17 great years of straight and bi swinging, 3 somes, 4 somes, and moresomes. She, too, battled cancer and a lost her 3 days after our 20th anniversary.

    I met my third wife at a bisexual party. Our sex life is fantastic (that special feeling (also had it with the first two))), We also enjoy having sex with others. We call it recreational sex.

    With all three wives, we had/have encounters with singles, couples, and groups; straights, bisexuals, gays and lesbians; males, females and transponders. We've shared our bisexuality; sucked or eaten the same cocks and pussies, sometimes together, fucked each other, fucked or been fucked by the same men. women, or transgenders, enjoyed watching each other at play and many times aided the other to make sure that playtime was pleasurable for us and enjoyed every minute of it.

    I'm the father of four, stepfather to four, and a grandfather to five, and it's none of their goddamned business what I do about my sex life. When it comes to our younger generations, they all seem to have the attitude that the sex lives of parents and grandparents is TMI (Too Much Information), so they just don't ask those questions.

    It may take you a little more time and effort, but you can find the right lady who will accept you totally as you are, be supportive of your desires, as you will be of hers, and will be the companion you seek. Don't give up your dreams. Live life to the fullest and follow your sexual urges.

    Best of Luck to you,

    Pappy
    The hardest part is not finding out who we need to be, it is being content with who we are.

 

 

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