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  1. #1

    Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Ok so I'm COMPLETELY new at this. I just found out that my boyfriend of almost 2 years is bi. I saw a message on his phone and it peaked my curiousity so I created an account on a gay/bi hookup site and low and behold he had an account as well.

    I sat down and talked to him and assured him that I didn't want anything to change between us, that I loved him, wanted to be with him, wouldn't say anything to any of our friends (NO ONE knows), but that I needed to understand.

    After much talking, I am 99% sure that I trust what he says, because he was quite honest and didn't have to be. I just don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. He has assured me that he loves me, wants to be with me, and he only acts on this bi thing about 3 times a year.

    I want him to be happy and I want to be happy with him. I just don't know if I can handle him being with other people. Is this even the right way to consider this situation? From what I'm trying to see it, this is a need that he has that he must fulfill that I can't offer him. He says there is no emotion and that everything is purely sex and fulfilling a need when this happens.

    As of now, I have asked him that it not happen in our home, that it doesn't happen more than 3 times per year, and that he is safe. Is this reasonable? I have always been a firm believer in the no cheating policy, but is this the same thing? So confused...

    Any advice from either side would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying to be open and understanding but I have honestly never been in this situation before - but I love him and our relationship very, very much.

  2. #2

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    hugs.....

    ok.... a few points of honesty from a bisexual...... unlike vampires we do not sparkle, unless werewolves, we do not turn during the full moon, and we do not die if we are not having sex with other people...... they are all myths.....

    its not something he MUST do, its something that can be a overwhelming urge and desire but not something that we can not live without...... there are many that will argue that, but no bisexual has died from their inability to have sex....lol

    now.... there is another aspect to bisexuals called the plastic v's meat argument and that plastic is no where near as good as meat..... so interestingly enuf, you find some bisexuals will desire a cock, but not entertain the idea of involving their own partner in some interesting bump and grind in the bedroom.....

    another way of looking at it, is that they are happy to suck and fuck another male, but when it comes to you and your partner, they have no interest in sharing the same experience with you cos its * shock horror * plastic.....

    that is something that can wear down a straight partner.... they suddenly find that they can not get some idea of the experience for their partner, in the privacy and safety of your own bedroom, yet they are ok with doing it with strangers

    that in effect, can make a straight partner feel like they are being shut out of things and in fact its a big part of coming to terms with being with a bisexual partner..... the right to decide if you want to learn and experience more about sex between two males.... and also it can be a way to spice up your own sex life......

    not everybody is into partner sharing or voyeurism etc.... but they like to have choices within the relationship, including the bedroom as they can end up feeling like they are more involved with their partner......

    there is nothing wrong with the way that you handled the situation and your terms and conditions..... its one of the better ways of handling it and working thru it..... and its good to see your partner was open to talking with you about it.......

    is he being honest ??? well thats between you and him.... you are trusting his word and feeling that he was open and honest but actions speak louder than words..... and time will tell if he was honest with you or if there is more to what he was doing than he told you



    your happiness is a big part of the relationship my dear..... and the bisexuality can become a aspect of your love making... with the use of toys and lube, between you and your partner, without involving other people.....

    if you show a interest in doing that, and he backs off, using the plastic v's real argument..... then I would be careful, as the bisexuality is about his sexual needs and desires, and in cases like that, he will be motived and guided by his sexual desires, and can become one sided at times.....
    most bisexuals that open up and allow their partners to participate in the bedroom ( just the two of you, if you have a desire to try it ) tend to be more open and honest with their partners and the relationship can be stronger and handle harder knocks.....

    as for cheating... its a personal view point, hun..... by defination, going outside of the relationship for sexual satisfaction without the partners knowledge or permission, is cheating.... and the fact that he came clean AFTER you caught them out.... is not a good sign......
    I am a advocate of both partners has the right of choice in a relationship and that means that you should have been told when things got serious so you had the right of choice to stay or leave

    I am outspoken on that as a lot of bisexual males will argue that their partner is being unreasonable if you do not allow them to sleep with other people.... but there is no respect or compassion for your ability to handle it, cope with it or even accept it..... as no person has to accept or allow extramartial sex..... its a joint decision that both partners should agree to, freely and openly and fully informed, or it should not happen at all

    hugs
    The only thing more painful than a broken heart, is catching yourself in your zip and having very cold hands

  3. #3

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    hi sweetheart, i'm the wife of a man who after 10yrs together in a sexually active and wonderful relationship, admitted he may be gay or bi. he is the most male of men, truck driver, tough, an absolute hunk which to me, is the perfect man. now i may have to share, or even lose him to a man. we're in the process of finding out.

    one thing i have learnt is, what you say using your head from a reasonable tolerant point of view (i like to think i'm like that), is one thing. cold hard reality with all the emotions attached is entirely another thing. for me, the thought that i'm not enough for him, that he's sharing something intimate and special with someone else (irreguardless of sex), is he going to emotional connect with a man and leave me, are only the tip of the iceberg. from his point of view, i've started getting, he doesn't want to meet men who mention a threesome with me cos this is about him. i think he's either feeling threatened or jealous. to be honest, i'm dealing with enought of my own problems to worry about that one. if you want to see what i've had to cope with, read my threads. i have held nothing back. the pain, the hurt, it's all very real. these people here are the most wondefully supportive crowd and i consider them my on-line family. their advice is keeping me together. read the posts on my threads to see what i mean. of course, your situation is slightly different. hubby and i are only just starting out on our journey, so i can't tell you how it will end. i only wish i knew. but i wouldn't be happy if i only 95% trusted him though still not grounds to run for the hills. i don't feel it's cheating with a man, if he lets me know it's happening. i need to be kept in the loop (of course, that is double edged in that i go through emotional upheavals re the issues above). i only want my hubby to be happy as well, but not at my expense. i'm struggling with all that you mention. i just wish mine only wanted physical. now it sounds like he needs an emotional connection. that to me is dangerous. we'll see.

    one thing i thought extremely interesting. when i told my dr, she said in her experience she found it quite common for men to be bi, or turn bi in their 'later' years. she said she thought it happened a lot more than society realised. i wonder if that means the gay ones swing the other way and become bi/straight?? lol. seems only fair??

    i do recommend you listen to long duck dong. he answers personal messages if you need to ask something privately, and he has a good grip on what the blokes are experiencing. i can offer limited experience if it helps. i will be completely honest though, so if you really don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question. keep in touch with us, and we'll help where we can. hug, b
    Last edited by bizel; Jan 12, 2011 at 12:35 AM.

  4. #4

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    I agree with LDD in several points...first that could control urges if he wanted to. ..the question is why didnt he?

    Your partner chose not to tell you...why?

    I would love to answer this may be due to him being scared of reaction of u but feel very wary of his poss reasons.

    Keep smiling.

    BBM

  5. #5

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Sorry replied to wrong thread.
    Last edited by bigbadmax; Jan 12, 2011 at 2:17 AM.

  6. #6

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Needs advice in SC,
    I mostly agree Long Duck Dong although he seems a little too harsh.
    Bizel seems to offer some good thoughts to you.

    As for me, I think I know what you mean by trusting him 99%.
    You can only trust people to operate within their limitations.
    Limitations exist in every aspect of relationships; money, social interactions, child raising, personal responsibility, drug usage, fidelity... and the list goes on and on.
    I've known people that would jump into the gates of Hell (without a second thought) after me if I fell in and people I would jump in after. These two lists are not the same.
    You have to choose if you can serve your love for this man.
    Speaking as the bi male in a couple,
    Mrs. Blue is quite aware of my same sex activities. She doesn't like it, doesn't want to know any of the details, has expectations regarding safety, but also knows I have no desire to be with a woman other than her.
    She has done some self inventory and realizes that the men she's really loved in her life are bi or gay, and more importantly she loves me. At this time she accepts it and moves forward with me. If she no longer can accept it or falls out of love with me at some point in time then she is free to leave (as I am). We are still together.
    As far as I know, there are no high probability relationships - let alone guarantees.
    But I do know the highest state of living is:
    If you love something and you serve that love; that's living!
    Good luck!

  7. #7

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Thanks to all so far for the advice and especially the support. I will call myself out here and I know that I will sound like an ignorant, naive, fool but I'm pretty sure that I have/am about situations like this. I apologize if anything that I say offends anyone, I sincerely do not mean offense or harm.

    I have about 3000 things running through my head about all of this. I honestly didn't "understand" that some guys (not to leave out you girls, but just trying to put my own situation into perspective) could just randomly want a bj or whatever else from another guy, go back to being with their girlfriend and be fine. No strings, no emotion, no relationship, and only once or twice a year, etc. I guess I've led a pretty sheltered life & I'm aware of that. I have had numerous friends that are gay, one being one of my best friends, and I'm perfectly fine with that. I'm the type of person that wants and needs to understand EVERYTHING about a situation and so far my boyfriend has been honest and open with me, although he is very uncomfortable talking about it.

    I am the only person that knows among all of our friends, family, etc. There is no one else that even has a clue, except the guys that he's hooked up with and they're strangers. He's never had to talk about this with anyone and while it's hard for me, I know it's hard for him too. He thinks I'm asking too detailed of questions and wants to not involve me at all so I won't get hurt or offended, but in my mind I would rather know that wonder. He isn't hiding anything from me and answers anything I ask, but I know it's hard.

    I keep looking at him and imagining him with another guy. It doesn't freak me out or gross me out or turn me off to him or being with him, but it's almost like that's all-consuming now. I haven't told him this because I think he would assume I meant something negative by it. I don't - negative or positive. It just is. Almost like I'm still trying to wrap my head around every possibility that's going on.

    As for the cheating situation, I have always felt that if there is anything going on outside of a committed relationship, then it is cheating. However, I have never dated a bi guy before so I'm tyring to consider if that changes my perspective a bit. I don't like it one bit, but I know there are things that he apparently needs that I can't give him. Again, he has reassured me that he doesn't want to be with anyone else, male or female, and wants to eventually marry me. From a straight perspective (maybe not just because I'm straight), I don't understand how those "urges" can't just be suppressed. I feel like if I asked him to not do it anymore, he would tell me ok and then I would always wonder if it was going on behind my back because he was trying not to hurt me.

    I know I"m rambling and if you've made it this far, I thank you! Bottom line - I love this man and I love our relationship, or what I thought was our relationship.

    Can anyone offer me any insight into the "emotional" part of what he may be feeling? Are there really no feelings involved? Can people really just have a blow job or sex with a guy and then come home and be fine with their wives/girlfriends? Again - I'm not trying to offend anyone. I am self-proclaimed dumb when it comes to this and I want to understand. Both for me & for my boyfriend.

  8. #8

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    yup, there are emotions involved from the guy's point of view. i'm a wife of a confused bloke, and we're both coming to terms with his 'changed' sexuality. men are people too. they experience it all just like woman do, they just are better at hiding their emotions. guys though, i feel, can separate the emotion from sex with a physical-only mentality. the guilt of 'cheating' on a partner, the 'am i shortchanging her' guilt, all these things go through their mind - at least, they are going through my hubby's at present. it won't stop them though, cos sex is a very strong 'drug' for some.

    i am slowly (as maybe everyone here can tell you-lol), coming to the realisation that you have to focus on you. what do you want out of this? if you feel this is cheating, then it is cheating. simple. if you have to run around behind his back to find things out, that to me, is deceitful. if you have reason to distrust him, no matter what percentage, you know deep down your trust has been compromised.

    he's doing what makes him happy, so that isn't even a factor. putting a limit on how many times he does it, won't work. it's a need and whenever the need occurs, it will be attended to. he's not going to check his diary as to how many times it's been this year. this will simply make him want it more, and resent you for limiting him. he will end up lying so as not to hurt you. ironically, it will hurt you more.

    the situation is, he's bi. he has sex with other men. it's physical only. he's emotionally connected to you. this works for him. only you can tell if this will work for you- it has so far when you didn't know the full story. but if it breaches your beliefs and expectations, and you can't accept it, then you have to be honest with yourself. your relationship was not what you thought, and never will be again. that's not necessarily bad, it's just different. different can be good. so it comes back to you. you want him to be happy. but this is not about him anymore. this is about you. is this making you happy? give yourself some time, be completely honest and say to yourself, is this what i want? can i handle all the thoughts that come with his meeting men? if you can accept it, congratulations. if you can't, there's no shame in that either. we're here for you. hug, b

    p.s. i'm sorry if this sounds blunt, it was said with concern for you, not your partner. i don't want to add to your confusion and hurt. you don't deserve that. b
    Last edited by bizel; Jan 13, 2011 at 12:45 AM.

  9. #9

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    You ladies are some of the most articulate and intelligent posters I've seen for some time! Your lovers/BFs/husbands are some of the luckiest guys I know and I hope they realize it before it's too late. You truly are treasures!

    I'm different; I have to care about anyone I have sex with. I'm more into a relationship, the person, and personality. Even my first sexual experience, which was with a guy, soon after my 14th birthday, occurred only after I'd known him for some time. I trusted and cared for him, but was a long way from understanding love, or deeply involved relationships. I've never been with a stranger, or had a one night stand with a guy.

    I've had two poly relationships and was potentially in another one. I know that a person can love two people... maybe more. My GF is also bi and I think it is much easier for a bisexual person to cope with and understand someone like me. Although we are not involved with anyone else, presently, we may in the future. It will have to be a mutually agreeable and fully compatible person, or persons, if we do connect, though.

    I know you ladies are dealing with a lot of stress and new emotions, but if anyone can come to a successful resolution, I feel you two can!

    However, there is one other thing that must be addressed:

    This may sound clinical and cool, but if I were you, before I'd be intimate with either of your lovers again, I would insist that they prove they are safe, first! You both are in jeopardy, if you allow them to continue having indiscriminate sexual contacts, then come home to you! It only takes one brief contact with a diseased person, to spread a life-threatening disease!

    In my view, it's better for them to have one trusted, clean, safe lover, who they care for. Being with various strangers, who they know nothing about, is Russian roulette, as far as I'm concerned!

  10. #10

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    If I might add a "fresh" perspective to the responses.

    I say fresh because after years of "thinking" about sexual activity, I have actually started to act on those "feelings". So my emotions are fresh and raw.

    First I'm in a very committed and strong relationship with a woman. We've been very open about ourselves and our thoughts. But even knowing that she TOTALLY accepts things about me that most women would run away from, I still struggle with complete honesty about my sexuality. It seems completely insane that I feel this way. However after years and years of relationships with women that I knew would NEVER accept my thoughts, I find it a challenge to open up to someone who actually does.

    In one aspect it's a complete relief to have a partner that knows, accepts and still loves me. I no longer have to "closet" my thoughts. I finally can post a personal ad that includes a photo. But still in the back of my mind I feel challenged. Challenging feelings that my partner might denounce me or leave me. Which is completely nuts. I know we are life partners.

    So where does this go now and how has it affected my future?

    First I am free to really get to know those I "might" have sex with. My partner has allowed me time and space to do this. Which in all honesty is the best gift she has given me. The alternative would be to find random "hookups" in dark alleys and backseats, which has an appeal but seriously becomes risky. At least in my mind it's risky.

    Secondly I've begun to develop "friendships" that expand my own world. This is not a detriment to my "relationship". How could something that makes you happier externally be a bad thing? In fact I'm more in love today than I was yesterday. Which I have found somewhat AMAZING, but it is true.

    Lastly, I feel in myself the weight of my world lifting. I've told a few very close friends about my changing lifestyle. Not one has given me anything but encouragement. Luckily I must have very very good friends. This kind of support has been unexpected.

    In summary I hope you can continue to support your boyfriend. If I may say you have come across as a very articulate person. He is lucky to have you. But I suggest you must find a way to be honest with him as well. If you begin to withhold your on "emotions" he will know. His knowing this will make him withdraw. I suspect that is the last thing you want to happen.

    My fresh perspective given with love and understanding.

    Good luck to you both!

  11. #11

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    [I]one thing i thought extremely interesting. when i told my dr, she said in her experience she found it quite common for men to be bi, or turn bi in their 'later' years. she said she thought it happened a lot more than society realised. i wonder if that means the gay ones swing the other way and become bi/straight?? lol. seems only fair??
    I am of the opinion that we don't "turn" bi or gay in later years but we often finally come across or meet somene later in life and we also are tired of hiding it and welcome and open up to someone we love that we finally trust and feel safe sharing our innermost secrets with. Our defenses are down in these situatons. We are more mature and have come to grips and accept our feelings more. We find it very revitalizing to let the cat out of the bag.

    My wife is wonderful and accepts and understands. She supports and participates in all my kinky fantasies and that is why I choose not play without her. My respect for her. Kind of our own little give and take.

    God luck. You are amongst friends and you sound thoughful and not extreme or rash. This is not the end of the world. I think you are on the right track

  12. #12

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Quote Originally Posted by wifeluvesmebi View Post
    [COLOR="black"]
    I am of the opinion that we don't "turn" bi or gay in later years but we often finally come across or meet somene later in life and we also are tired of hiding it and welcome and open up to someone we love that we finally trust and feel safe sharing our innermost secrets with.

    I think this is the most accurate summation of my feelings thus far.

  13. #13

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Let me put this out there for you. Maybe you should approch your boyfriend and ask if he would be open to letting you use a strapon on him. BY doing this it can help you understand his needs and help fulfill his needs without him straying from the relationship. You never know it just might be enjoyable for the both of you to go shopping on line for the right size.

  14. #14

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    I understand exactly what your BF means when he desribes the "urges" he has. I have been in the same situation since my college days. Every few months I get the urge to be with a man.... and it is all I think about until the thoughts and feelings eventually pass or I end up satisfying the urge. When I give in and meet up with a man there is usually no emotional connection at all. I use to have a regular friend in the same situation as me(wife and kids). We'd meet talk about sports, out families, the weather. Then we'd do our thing. After, we'd go back to the conversation we were having before. There was no "love connection". So in my opinion what your boyfriend is feeling or not feeling is totally possible.

  15. #15

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    being bi in a monogamous relationship just means there are twice as many people you don't get to sleep with...

    On the other side of many folks arguments, I'm bi (I stated with boys first), and happily married for 31 years to a woman (I told her I was bi before we married). We agreed when we married to be monogamous (we have been since soon after we started dating)..

    I have urges too, and would happily swing (I am not nearly as interested in going out with a guy by myself, but we've talked about it as well as swinging), but I gave my word.. Since the Internet (wow there was life before! :-) I do get to chat and play a little online, she knows. But I have never gone to anyone in person, and unless we change our agreement, I won't. If my urge is overwhelming, there is gay/bi porn (which we sometimes watch together, and sometimes I go off by myself) and there are toys.

    My personal belief is that if you don't reach a point of agreement and honesty, you are going to have problems...

    What agreement you reach, is up to the both of you, but I think if you don't, there will never be full trust...

    Good luck and I do hope it works out however is best.

    Liz

  16. #16

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Ok so I'm COMPLETELY new at this. I just found out that my boyfriend of almost 2 years is bi. I saw a message on his phone and it peaked my curiousity so I created an account on a gay/bi hookup site and low and behold he had an account as well

    You like "Accidently" peeked on his phone? Then you created a false account to find out what he was up to. Wow...
    I'm glad that you are supportive and that you trust him, but girlfriend, this trust factor is going to have to run Both ways. He needs to know that he can trust you, too. Both of you have got some serious palavering to do.
    Good luck
    Cat
    I'm tryin' my best to leave a loving foot print on the hearts of the folks who's lives I touch..longly, or briefly..:}
    Minx

    Women and cats will do as they please, so men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
    Robert A. Heinlein

  17. #17

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Hey Cat- It actually wasn't an accident that I saw the questionable message on his phone. We use each other's sometimes to text various friends when we're too lazy to get up and find our own phones. Apparently he had just forgotten to delete the last incoming message. As for the website, he knows all about it and completely agrees that I was justified in creating the account. You're right, hoensty does go both ways and I have been nothing but honest with him. I created the account simply out of curiousity because I didn't want to "accuse" him of something or bring up a potentially sensitive issue if I didn't have to.

    Thanks for the advice. Just wanted to clarify! Also, thanks to all other friends on here that have responded as well. I have actually used a few things from some posts to help me talk to my boyfriend further and he's glad that I have interacted with other people and and trying to gain a further understanding of his choices. Still trying, but trying none-the-less!

    Thanks!

  18. #18

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Sometimes, I wonder if this site should not be changed to straight women who are in a relationship with bi guys...lol

    NeedsAdvicInSC

    I think that however this disclosure has come about that it is a good thing. I don't know your age but I agree with someone's doctor that at least for some generations that men do tend to be come more open to exploring their bisexuality or it awakens after 40. This may be due to a lot of reasons. NeedsAdviceInSC has not given her boyfriend's age but he may be in his 20's or 30's? You have started a conversation and that is good.

    Your boyfriend's reluctance to discuss this in detail may in part be due to his own self acceptance. Some believe that same sex activity is seen as more shameful for men than women. He may still be uncertain about his sexuality. Hopefully your open discussions continue. Give him some space/time if he needs it and is not able to discuss this in great detail immediately.

    Have you considered encouraging him to join this site or shybiguy.com site ( site for just bisexual men and the conversations are somewhat different than this site)? It may help him accept himself.

    I believe that his "urges" can not be supressed forever. Some may disagree with me but I don't think that one size fits all either. Add to that that for many bisexuals that the desire for same sex may be an ebb and flow. He may be able to supress his needs for years if you insist that he doesn't act on his same sex needs/desires. He may be able to resist but probably will not be able to live up to it. This will damage your relationship with him. Try to keep the discussion open without ultimatums.

    Some bisexual men have no emotional connection to men that they have sex with while others may. Some may even be able to love both a man and a woman at the same time. He probably can not tell you or may see no emotional attachment to other men. For some, it is the dick and that is it. A body part and no emotional attachment to the rest of the other guy.

    Bisexual men are not all "one size fits all". Some bimen have posted an assumption that he may be interested in being penetrated and that you may incorporate that into your own sex play. That may or may not be true as not all biguys want to be penetrated. Maybe, this may come up in some of your discussions at some point.

    Continue your conversations with him. You will have to make up your own mind as to whether you wish to remain in a relationship with him. It seems to me that people's sexual appetite evolves and your own may change over time as well as your boyfriend's sexual interests. Good luck with your decisions.
    Last edited by tenni; Jan 19, 2011 at 12:00 AM.

  19. #19

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Quote Originally Posted by tenni View Post
    Sometimes, I wonder if this site should not be changed to straight women who are in a relationship with bi guys...lol
    we could do that tenni...... but you would have no reason to post here then....

    hence its bisexual.com... and all are welcome.....
    The only thing more painful than a broken heart, is catching yourself in your zip and having very cold hands

  20. #20

    Smile Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Quote Originally Posted by NeedsAdviceInSC View Post
    Thanks to all so far for the advice and especially the support. I will call myself out here and I know that I will sound like an ignorant, naive, fool but I'm pretty sure that I have/am about situations like this. I apologize if anything that I say offends anyone, I sincerely do not mean offense or harm.

    I have about 3000 things running through my head about all of this. I honestly didn't "understand" that some guys (not to leave out you girls, but just trying to put my own situation into perspective) could just randomly want a bj or whatever else from another guy, go back to being with their girlfriend and be fine. No strings, no emotion, no relationship, and only once or twice a year, etc. I guess I've led a pretty sheltered life & I'm aware of that. I have had numerous friends that are gay, one being one of my best friends, and I'm perfectly fine with that. I'm the type of person that wants and needs to understand EVERYTHING about a situation and so far my boyfriend has been honest and open with me, although he is very uncomfortable talking about it.

    I am the only person that knows among all of our friends, family, etc. There is no one else that even has a clue, except the guys that he's hooked up with and they're strangers. He's never had to talk about this with anyone and while it's hard for me, I know it's hard for him too. He thinks I'm asking too detailed of questions and wants to not involve me at all so I won't get hurt or offended, but in my mind I would rather know that wonder. He isn't hiding anything from me and answers anything I ask, but I know it's hard.

    I keep looking at him and imagining him with another guy. It doesn't freak me out or gross me out or turn me off to him or being with him, but it's almost like that's all-consuming now. I haven't told him this because I think he would assume I meant something negative by it. I don't - negative or positive. It just is. Almost like I'm still trying to wrap my head around every possibility that's going on.

    As for the cheating situation, I have always felt that if there is anything going on outside of a committed relationship, then it is cheating. However, I have never dated a bi guy before so I'm tyring to consider if that changes my perspective a bit. I don't like it one bit, but I know there are things that he apparently needs that I can't give him. Again, he has reassured me that he doesn't want to be with anyone else, male or female, and wants to eventually marry me. From a straight perspective (maybe not just because I'm straight), I don't understand how those "urges" can't just be suppressed. I feel like if I asked him to not do it anymore, he would tell me ok and then I would always wonder if it was going on behind my back because he was trying not to hurt me.

    I know I"m rambling and if you've made it this far, I thank you! Bottom line - I love this man and I love our relationship, or what I thought was our relationship.

    Can anyone offer me any insight into the "emotional" part of what he may be feeling? Are there really no feelings involved? Can people really just have a blow job or sex with a guy and then come home and be fine with their wives/girlfriends? Again - I'm not trying to offend anyone. I am self-proclaimed dumb when it comes to this and I want to understand. Both for me & for my boyfriend.


    hey gf
    from my insignificant poin`t of view, I believe you have a great opportunity to build your relationship better, and stronger.
    Get involve with him, not sayin to join in (unless you both want that) but talk more about it, role play, watch porn ect
    my wife thought i was going to leave her, when she found some e/mails, I assured her i wasn`t, I do love my wife, and would be thrilled with her involvement to this side of me, we do role play in the bedroom, but maybe sitting in front of a pewter together, or even being in the same room would be nice. sorry, I`ll climb down now
    I do not have any emotional bond with anyone but mama, (men are from mars ect) we are a diff creature then you lovely ladies (for the most part, a few acceptions ) i have tryed to get my wife to talk to me about all this, she won`t much at this point, but I keep tryin. I would highly recomend you do talk, get involved to whatever level your compfy with
    goodluck

  21. #21

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    for women married to or partnered with gay or deliciously bisexual men, please look up the group Alternate Paths on YAHOO

    its for women who have relationships and want to make them work. its incredibly supportive and depending on location the women get together from time to time in person

    the is Also a companion for men named Husbands Out To Wives or HOW

  22. #22
    Maggot
    Guest

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Reasonable - doesn't come into it. You have sat down and discussed his bisexuality, you accept it despite not understanding it, and you have discussed and laid down the base rules (not in the house, 3 times a year and that he stays safe) which is essential for you both.

    I can appreciate his comment that the bisexual sex he indulges in is purely physical with no emotional connection - yes he could live without it, but would he be as comfortable and happy without it.

    I could no doubt live without ever having sex again for as long as I lived, but I would be hell to live with, my husband (who is straight) understands this, and he realises that I often want sex more often than he does and appreciates that once in a while the toys just don't make the grade, I want physical interaction.

    We have our rules and they work for us. We've been together for 23 years now because we love each other very much even though our physical drives/wants are very different.

    You need to keep talking, keep revising the rules as time goes by, there will be times when he may have to forego any bisexual encounters for a while, or you may decide in the future to allow him to have more encounters than 3 a year. You might even decide to help choose a partner for him.

    Whatever happens between you, keep talking to each other and refining the rules that work for you.

  23. #23

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    i would love to find a bi woman that is bi so there is no explaination of what we feel when we want sex with the same gender. i could sure accept her if she was to tell me that she like women also. that would be great if that happened. i want to love only one which would be her and the same for her to me. i would not ever try to keep her from her needs or wishes. she could even have women at the house and i could join in or if the lady was not comfortable having a man involved then i would let them go at it without disturbing them. i know what it is like to have those strong sexual desires with the same sex from time to time. when that happens and i get a good fucking then i am ok for a while. as i am getting older i am turning more bi i feel. i enjoy playing with a nice man's cock and giving him oral and letting him top me till he gets done.

    i am 59 but still a very virile man and enjoy sex almost everyday. i live with a woman but she doesnt know i am bi but i think when i tell her it may be over between us which i cant help cause i have to have some man sex soon or i am going to blow up. i want to play with him and let things happen as they may without retribution from my woman. i love her but i need a man sometimes to take care of that one little spot inside me that makes me melt and have an orgasm of supreme heights, not that i dont have great sex with her but it is a bit different. my woman likes to use a strap on with me but that is just not the same as a beautiful real cock inside me with him shoving it all the way in.

    i would even be interested in a lesbian with her bi partner to live together. may not work like that but i would try. would be interesting to say the least. the bi girl would get wore out constantly....what a way to die though!!

    i would even consider a much older woman that is bi. there are quite a few of them still left around but they dont want to admit it.

  24. #24

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    HI there, here is my opinion for what it's worth. I'm bi and wife doesn't know.

    My biggest concerns are that she won't be accepting and she will tell her or my friends.

    You've already addressed those two issues. I think he would like it more if you would be involved in joining with him and another guy.

    Are you open to that.

  25. #25

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    i am married to a bi man. he told me before we got married. i dont have any probs with him being bi i know he loves me. we have had 3 sums and both loved them great fun.

  26. #26

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Just as SC.. I just recently found out my boyfriend of 3 years is bisexual. I've always had a feeling that he might be gay.. but when i found out i felt like i wasnt good enough. We have all the crazy strap-on sex, rock climb and have threesomes. In the threesome, I always wanted to have sex with another man because of the jealousy issue with another girl, and it would always be vise-versa with him... wanted another girl or a tranny. These threw up flags to me like, ok....maybe he is gay or bi.

    Real quick, we always are very open with our cell phones and emails.. no reason to hide anything. Anyways..A good friend of his that a knew for a while, that we've hung out with before calls and my boyfriend invites him over. All the sudden i ask to use his phone and he wont, and hes hiding these messages from this kid. So i was like, let me seee! Whats the problem? The messages kept asking.. where is your girl, where is your girl? Does your girl know whats up..etc. send me pictures of her so i can see if shes hotttt. AND that he wants to be inside of him.. etc.

    SO i kinda bugged like, why does this kid want to know where i am. and then he told me a long time ago all him and the kid did was jerk each other off. ????????? thats it.. just jerked each other off. Do i believe him? --- so i dropped the subject, and I'm trying to keep my cool and wait a little while to talk about it before i jump off the handle.


    BUT all in all... your advice helped me. And i also do not believe in extramarital sex, ...3-somes are whatever.. but i need help understanding bisexuality, being that i am a freak also.. but im not having a girl rub me out everyday?.. u kno what i mean?


    Thanks again and any advice would be great!

  27. #27

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Quote Originally Posted by JP1986UM View Post
    for women married to or partnered with gay or deliciously bisexual men, please look up the group Alternate Paths on YAHOO

    its for women who have relationships and want to make them work. its incredibly supportive and depending on location the women get together from time to time in person

    the is Also a companion for men named Husbands Out To Wives or HOW
    Another yahoo group you may look at (even though you're not married, or not yet) is Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work MMOW. My wife is not a member, but I've found it quite beneficial to see the issue from both sides. This is still new and a shock to you I'm sure, but you may find that given time all your issues with this may go away. Your bf has urges that you honestly don't have the proper equipment to fulfill, but, that does not mean that you are in any way inadequate or that he wants you any less. When I first came out to my wife she had some minor issues with jealousy and wanted me to limit my activities to about once a month or so, however, as she came to understand it better she quickly got over the jealousy and removed time restraints telling me "If it gets to be too much I'll let you know." For you to even consider staying with him (many women wouldn't have) shows that you love him very much, and I hope that you find a way to understand and accept him for who and what he is.

  28. #28

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    I hope my experience or inexperience might be of some help. I am a bi male 65 years old married. My wife knows I am bi but only because like you, she found out by running across some of my messages. She was not surprised, nor judgemental. However, she does feel threatened and does not want me to pursue a sexual relationship with a man. That being stated, I am torn. I have known I am bi since I was 12 years old. Almost all of my life I have kept my bi desires to myself and have not shared any exploration with a man. Now that I am in my senior chapter of life, I look back over my life and feel a sadness that I have not been sharing a very precious part of my self with my wife and with a male partner. Bi is who I am.

    I do share emotionally with all people. I am compassionate and caring in life and I am the same person in my sexual life. My constant desire is to share sexuality as a good gift. A gift that might seem poorly wrapped at times, but a gift none the less. I ache to have my wife join into a relationship with me and another guy. I would celebrate such a relationship and cherish it deeply if she could share my complete desires and experience sharing herself in such a relationship.

    My constant battle is the fear that my bisexual self will cause my wife pain and sadness. Yet I am pulled by desires that I cannot explain. The power of my desire to please and make love to a man is so very powerful. Then the desire to be a complete lover to my wife in a way she feels completely desired and satisfied pushes me in a different direction. I am exhausted. I am emotionally drained.

    Could it be that your boyfriend could feel more emotionally than he is willing to admit to himself? Perhaps he will never be joyful or content unless he is able to express his bi self and have you celebrate his uniqueness as well. I have a feeling that your situation is more complex than your boyfriend needing to release sexual tension several times a year. Also, I believe you are being responsible by exploring his desires with an open mind. My prayer for you is that you will find direction from all the experiences of the folks here who I believe are truly invested in helping you find your answers. Peace and Joy to you and your boy friend.

  29. #29

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    @It12855- Sorry to hear that. Wouldn't it be great if partners could swap sexualities for a while? Just so they'd understand what goes on inside their bisexual lover. I'm sure there'd be no desire to suppress, fear their freedom, nor worry about loosing their love. Your only 65 btw! Still time to explore (given the liberty).

    @NeedsAdviceinSC- Got to give you credit for your matureness in your situation, and for having the compassion to be supportive. Not ALL would even want to understand a bisexual, sadly.
    You have 2 problems: 1. Understanding bisexuality. 2. Open relationship fears.

    Both problems maybe eased if you view yourselves as 2 people who are stuck on this rock for the duration and take the opportunity to explore life as mature, emotionally cognizant, sexual beings who love each other enough to embrace it together.
    If you can get your head around that, you'd be happy. We'd all be bloody happy!!

    If you worry that your going to lose him to a bloke that he has sex with, your wasting energy. Two blokes can hookup to have highly passionate and intimate sessions together, and after the 'barrels have exploded', it might as well have been a solo wank in terms of 'commitment'. ESPECIALLY with non single blokes.
    There's no romantic feelings. No sleepless nights smelling the leftover aftershave on the pillow etc.lol It's basically a sexual release, and no matter how good it was, or how it eased that tension, or hit those magic spots, it's SEX not ROMANCE! That may come if both are looking for it, but that's not exactly easy even if they are.

    Best of luck anyway. You both sound honest and open with each other. That's no small thing!

  30. #30

    Re: Just Found Out My boyfriend is Bi

    Just a note from a bi guy who spent years "suppressing" his sexuality. It is extremely damaging. To both relationships and your own mental health. Everyone talks alot about honesty in a relationship, well how about honesty to yourself. Your husband/wife/girl friend/boy friend, what ever, deserves the true you. Anything else is a lie. If you suppress a part of yourself to make/keep someone else happy then your are doing everyone around you a great disservice. Suppressing your bisexuality does not make it go away. It will always sit back in your subconscious and eat at you like a cancer, and as such dramatically alters the way you think and feel. That being said, if you are in a monogamous relationship, you must honor that agreement. If you have that overwhelming desire for some strange, be open about it. Tell your significant other. There is always the possibility they may help you get it that is acceptable to them. When I finally came out to my wife, she signed us up here and at bearforest.com, because it turned out she was bi as well. Too bad she eventually left me for a man she liked better.

 

 

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