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  1. #1

    Unhappy Confused. Lost. Help please.

    I have come to the realization, after a dream last night and lots of exploring on the web, that I may be bisexual. I am scared, ashamed, confused, lost, and horribly depressed. I'm in denial, yet something about telling myself that I'm bi gives me relief for the feelings I've had towards girls.

    My brother came out to my family and I almost 2 years ago now that he was gay and I couldn't even look at him. He told me through a text message and I still remember my heart dropping to the floor as he told me that he didn't want to hide anymore. I was angry, so angry at him for making this "choice" and I thought that he was a terrible person for calling himself a Christian because I had always told myself that "the Bible clearly states that homosexuality is wrong."

    It took two years for me to let go of this anger and resentment, and eventually led me to research and talk to my pastor about the Bible and homosexuality. I found the answers to be astonishing - nowhere in the Bible does it condemn loving, same-sex relationships. I found this to be so liberating that I did an argumentative essay on the topic. If anyone would like to read it, I would be more than happy to share it.

    I found it in me to accept that God does not condemn LGBTQ folks, yet that somehow excluded me. Why would he ever love me, a hopeless sinner who has an addiction to pornography, cuts herself to feel alive, was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, and struggles with the will to live every day and on top of EVERYTHING... is now questioning her sexuality?

    I need help. I need answers. I need encouragement. I need hope.

  2. #2

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    We each have roads to travel, that may not be as smooth as we'd like.

    Accepting ourselves is often one of the hardest things we have to do. The younger you are, when you get these issues resolved, but smoother the rest of your life will be.

    Family morals, peer pressure, religious training, etc, etc, all influence us. (Some are influenced more than others) It took me years to understand who I really was and to accept myself.

    Actually, I think you are lucky to be aware of your feelings and appear to be honest with yourself about it. As an obviously intelligent person and, being aware that you may be different, gives you a good basis for dealing with how to conduct your life in the future.

    I went through periods of time when I was in denial and lied to myself and others, about being drawn to both genders. After some soul searching and changing my way of dealing with confusing personal issues, I began being truthful to myself and potential significant others. Finally, I am at peace with myself. I'm lucky to have the love of a remarkable lady, who is also bisexual, and no longer feel the need to lie to myself about who I am, or what my hopes and dreams are.

    We must all seek our own paths in this life and I hope you will do that while you're young. I have faith that you will..

    Good luck and I hope you have a happy, fruitful, life ahead.
    Last edited by Realist; Sep 5, 2011 at 8:00 AM.

  3. #3

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    If you look back you might realise that the anger and resentment that you felt for your brother was fuelled by your own fears of your sexuality?
    It's not unusual at all for us to try and suppress emotions/desires that we are taught to be 'Wrong'. Not just by Christianity etc, but by the society we live in.
    It can be very scary to find out that YOU are not like everybody else!
    Truth is though, that you are never really alone in any aspect of you.

    Sadly, many people battle within themselves far too commonly. 'Self acceptance' is a victory against many foes. The fiercest and most powerful foe being ourselves.
    It's not surprising that you went to great lengths researching and writing an essay about how gay Christians are not to be judged, when at the same time you condemn yourself.
    Your not exempt from compassion nor acceptance! God can't give you that when you deny it for yourself!

    Please chat with your brother about your feelings. He'll understand!Give him the whole truth and release the burdens.
    Or if that's too hard, speak to a councillor.
    Please don't suffer!

  4. #4

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Thank you both. It means a lot to me that people are supportive. I just don't know if all of this is real, you know? I was going to talk to my brother about it today, but we didn't have time and I realized how scared I was and how uncomfortable it was going to be for the both of us.

    I know I'm not going to get much, if not any, acceptance from my friends. My two friends who I hang out with the most are very condemning of my religious views and my views on homosexuality. I don't think they could ever accept me for who I am and I am someone who bases her worth on relationships in life, rather than on self-worth.

    How exactly do you know of your sexuality? I'm still questioning whether or not I am bi. I know it's different for everyone but I just wanted to get some opinions on how people were certain of their sexuality.

    Another problem of speaking to my counselor is that she is a Christian counselor. However, I think she'd rather me tell her than to keep hurting myself over it. I'm not sure if she's the right counselor for me because she sure can't tell when I'm lying or when I have my "everything's okay" mask on.

    I feel like I'm going to have to wear that mask all the time now because of my realization of my sexuality.

  5. #5

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    I just want you to know that you are completely normal. Bi, gay, straight, tall, short, fat, thin, old, young, rich, poor, black, white, red, brown, yellow . . . no matter what, you are completely normal. If you do no harm to others, treat people with respect and dignity, you are normal. A loving god would tell you the same thing.

  6. #6

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Quote Originally Posted by djones View Post
    I just want you to know that you are completely normal. Bi, gay, straight, tall, short, fat, thin, old, young, rich, poor, black, white, red, brown, yellow . . . no matter what, you are completely normal. If you do no harm to others, treat people with respect and dignity, you are normal. A loving god would tell you the same thing.
    Thank you, djones. I have a hard time accepting that at the moment, however. Especially when I have issues with my body already and now my sexuality... It's kind of hard to think of myself as "normal" when all of my other friends are straight.

  7. #7

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Quote Originally Posted by giventofly11 View Post
    Thank you, djones. I have a hard time accepting that at the moment, however. Especially when I have issues with my body already and now my sexuality... It's kind of hard to think of myself as "normal" when all of my other friends are straight.
    If they are your friends - real friends - then they wil accept you as normal. If they don't, were they ever really your friend ? Judge not lest ye be judged; or, let him who is without sin cast the first stone; or, do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

    It is difficult at a young age not to have a supportive group of peers, this is true. However, it is also true that this time in your young life will be a very short lived period. Focus on who you are today, and where you want to be tomorrow.

    There is a much larger world outside and there is a place for you in it.

  8. #8

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Quote Originally Posted by djones View Post
    If they are your friends - real friends - then they wil accept you as normal. If they don't, were they ever really your friend ? Judge not lest ye be judged; or, let him who is without sin cast the first stone; or, do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

    It is difficult at a young age not to have a supportive group of peers, this is true. However, it is also true that this time in your young life will be a very short lived period. Focus on who you are today, and where you want to be tomorrow.

    There is a much larger world outside and there is a place for you in it.
    I can count on one hand the friends I would even consider friends at this point and I can count on two fingers the friends that would ever accept me for who I am. It does make me angry because I'm sure they are going to tell me that I'm going to hell and that God will never forgive me of my sin and that I will not inherit the kingdom of heaven but... who the hell are they to judge me?

    I want to be in a relationship with a woman. I want to be in a relationship with a man! It just seems like nobody is even at all interested in me and I don't know where to find others that might accept me - the whole me.

  9. #9

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Who dictates to society that our sexual appetites and desires are wrong?the church... Believe what gives you comfort but free your mind and your ass will follow. Have given up on "sexual guilt". "God is a concept by which we measure our pain"- John Lennon. Life is about Karma... You get what you give... Has nothing to do with God and sex.

  10. #10

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    giventofly,
    I am not sure others picked up on it, but I sure did. I am not very worried at all about the bi issues right now. I am far more worried about the cutting. You said you see a Christian Counselor. Does she specialize in cutting? self-mutilation? bipolar disorder? If not, find another counselor who does. Cutting is very serious. I have a dear friend in Florida who is a fantastic woman. Unfortunately, she does not think so. Combine no self-confidence with bipolar and a few other things and she cuts.
    Please, please, find some SERIOUS help for the cutting. It only takes one slip to make it permanent.

  11. #11

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Based on what I read about your thoughts, I think that you need to come to peace within yourself. Perhaps, learning to be happy or accepting of yourself. If you believe that your counsellor is not helpful, you may need to seek one who is not so "Christian" centred. However, don't be surprised if your counsellor will not condemn you for your sexuality.

    Without knowing exactly how your brother feels towards you now, I would also suggest that you reach out to him...cautiously.

    Your are not normal in the sense of people who surround you presently. You are not exactly like them. It doesn't matter that you are not exactly like them either. If you are at peace with yourself and confident with yourself it will not matter. You will see the people around you as insignificant but be cautious to examine what they are saying. Seek out people who have commonality with you.

    Those two people who you believe will accept you are the two people to discuss matters with. If you believe that you can trust their judgement pay attention to their views. You don't need a thousand people as friends. You may just need these two genuine friends.

  12. #12

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    it is not for man to judge, for that is only for the lord god to do, as he alone knows the truth of a mans heart......

    I am a ex christian and I found more judgement amongst my christian peers, than anywhere else in the world.... yet they are a people that preach about the love and forgiveness of god and how we are all gods children, and then tell us how god doesn't want us unless we are squeaky clean, married with a mortgage and 2.4 children lol then you have the rest of the world judging you cos you are a cutter, you deal with suicidal issues, you watch porn etc..... and they have no idea either, they want you to be miss perfect with no faults.....

    you, are you, and you are unique, not twisted, not warped, not dysfunctional.... just you...... and the way you feel and think is not wrong, its right for you......

    many cutters do it cos they want to feel, they need to feel, they are tired of trying to feel something.... and it becomes a addiction to the pain and the sensation... cos you are feeling something so strong, so deep inside......

    suicidal people are generally tired, exhausted, walking the path of life wears people down until it becomes like getting up at 5 am every morning for a 14 hour down with the head cold from hell and insomnia at night.....

    a good counselor will not tell you how to live, but how to cope with the way you live, it makes it easier to accept yourself and not feel so guilty or like you come from another world........ and I know that cos I had a permanent form of depression, so I have walked down the same roads you have and helped many people in our positions to understand its ok to be imperfect, so do not judge us, learn from us...... we are people too

    it is possible that your path as a bisexual will ease the cutting as you find that there is a new kind of feeling, a new kind of sensation.... that of the world of two people holding you close and opening up your eyes to new things..... and yes it can be hard to find the right people that will not see you as a dysfunctional person, but a person that has different ways of expression.....but in the long run its worth it......

    there is no such thing as normal in this world, my dear, only conforming to what other people want, so they have less of a reason to see issues in your life.......
    The only thing more painful than a broken heart, is catching yourself in your zip and having very cold hands

  13. #13

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    I have to agree with, Long Duck Dong. I use to be a cutter myself, for many reasons, and I know what it feels like to be judged. I was judged by everyone, still am, by my own family. My friends and husband accept me for who I am.
    I realized I was bi sexual at a really young age, and when I told my friends they were all accepting. Some of them even came out of the closet then 2, which was great.

    Part of my family are really into religion and homosexuality not being accepted was one thing that was pushed into me. That was until I did my own research too like u did. God, created all of us different. No one is alike. I love who I am, and that he made me unigue.
    I also battle with being Bi Polar and anxiety disorder. I understand the depression.

    U might be different, but I would embrass ur individuality not be ashamed of it.

  14. #14

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    giventofly11, if you feel frustration or self-loathing remember that you are a human being, worthy of just as much love and respect as any other part of creation.

    There are so many hurting people in world today, and bisexuals have the capacity to love both - that is a blessing, not a curse..although at times it may not seem that way. God doesn't make mistakes - where you are right now in your life is exactly where you are supposed to be. The universe does not waste a single drop of energy, even in suffering there is something to be gained, although it may be hard to see right now.

    Society in general may not understand it but there is always someone, somewhere, who loves you, please do not hurt yourself unjustly.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeLDsBPSzYg

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILCdwJj37iw

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VSyuar6oF8

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9pu_tg9RAY
    Last edited by elian; Sep 5, 2011 at 11:11 PM.

  15. #15

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Quote Originally Posted by falcondfw View Post
    giventofly,
    I am not sure others picked up on it, but I sure did. I am not very worried at all about the bi issues right now. I am far more worried about the cutting. You said you see a Christian Counselor. Does she specialize in cutting? self-mutilation? bipolar disorder? If not, find another counselor who does. Cutting is very serious. I have a dear friend in Florida who is a fantastic woman. Unfortunately, she does not think so. Combine no self-confidence with bipolar and a few other things and she cuts.
    Please, please, find some SERIOUS help for the cutting. It only takes one slip to make it permanent.
    She doesn't specialize in cutting but we have talked about it before. But it seems like she's just dropped the whole idea of it - she probably thinks I've stopped. I have to laugh at that because I have a whole slew of scars to prove her wrong.

    I am being treated for bipolar II disorder, but my diagnosis is major depression disorder. I'm only being treated for bipolar II because of the meds I'm taking. Which, don't get me started on meds. They make me want to kill myself because I can't "feel better" without taking them. Also, if I'm ever in a "down" mood, my mom asks me straight away, "Have you taken your meds?!" It's like wow, mom. Your daughter might be dealing with some deeper issues rather than taking her damn meds.

    I don't want to stop cutting and I realize I can kill myself with one slip, but right now, I don't care...

  16. #16

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Quote Originally Posted by Long Duck Dong View Post
    it is not for man to judge, for that is only for the lord god to do, as he alone knows the truth of a mans heart......

    I am a ex christian and I found more judgement amongst my christian peers, than anywhere else in the world.... yet they are a people that preach about the love and forgiveness of god and how we are all gods children, and then tell us how god doesn't want us unless we are squeaky clean, married with a mortgage and 2.4 children lol then you have the rest of the world judging you cos you are a cutter, you deal with suicidal issues, you watch porn etc..... and they have no idea either, they want you to be miss perfect with no faults.....

    you, are you, and you are unique, not twisted, not warped, not dysfunctional.... just you...... and the way you feel and think is not wrong, its right for you......

    many cutters do it cos they want to feel, they need to feel, they are tired of trying to feel something.... and it becomes a addiction to the pain and the sensation... cos you are feeling something so strong, so deep inside......

    suicidal people are generally tired, exhausted, walking the path of life wears people down until it becomes like getting up at 5 am every morning for a 14 hour down with the head cold from hell and insomnia at night.....

    a good counselor will not tell you how to live, but how to cope with the way you live, it makes it easier to accept yourself and not feel so guilty or like you come from another world........ and I know that cos I had a permanent form of depression, so I have walked down the same roads you have and helped many people in our positions to understand its ok to be imperfect, so do not judge us, learn from us...... we are people too

    it is possible that your path as a bisexual will ease the cutting as you find that there is a new kind of feeling, a new kind of sensation.... that of the world of two people holding you close and opening up your eyes to new things..... and yes it can be hard to find the right people that will not see you as a dysfunctional person, but a person that has different ways of expression.....but in the long run its worth it......

    there is no such thing as normal in this world, my dear, only conforming to what other people want, so they have less of a reason to see issues in your life.......
    Thank you, Duck Dong, I found your post to be very comforting. I seriously thought of giving up on God completely because I read the stories of ex-Christians and related with each and every one of them. However, I told my "best friend" that I was giving up on God and she said she would never look at me the same if I didn't have God in my life. So basically, I was guilt-tripped into believing again. And right now, I'm angry as hell at God. So I definitely know where you're coming from as an ex-Christian.

    Yeah, depression is like being in a cage for all to see and criticize. I feel like a dead man walking every day - I don't want to be alive. I stay up in the wee hours of the night just contemplating whether I want to go to sleep for fear that I don't want to get up in the morning. I really, really appreciate your empathy because that is the most important thing to me - that people can actually sit down and put on my shoes and walk for a while in them.

    All I want is to be held by a man or a woman that makes me feel loved. All I want is to be loved, nothing more. And I'm sure as hell not feeling that love from God right now.

  17. #17

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    You may feel confused, you have a right to be angry, or sad but you are loved by the divine and others just as you are - you don't have to BE one way OR the other - you can just be - and you are loved and valued just the way you are.

    http://www.perceivingreality.com/

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mFRUGDY8Ao

  18. #18

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Quote Originally Posted by giventofly11 View Post
    She doesn't specialize in cutting but we have talked about it before. But it seems like she's just dropped the whole idea of it - she probably thinks I've stopped. I have to laugh at that because I have a whole slew of scars to prove her wrong.

    I am being treated for bipolar II disorder, but my diagnosis is major depression disorder. I'm only being treated for bipolar II because of the meds I'm taking. Which, don't get me started on meds. They make me want to kill myself because I can't "feel better" without taking them. Also, if I'm ever in a "down" mood, my mom asks me straight away, "Have you taken your meds?!" It's like wow, mom. Your daughter might be dealing with some deeper issues rather than taking her damn meds.

    I don't want to stop cutting and I realize I can kill myself with one slip, but right now, I don't care...
    Giventofly,
    Even if you don't care, I do. I think the rest of the people on here feel the same way.

    I am bipolar myself. I have never cut, but I have attempted suicide several times when I was a teenager and in my early 20's.

    As for your counselor, I am concerned that she doesn't seen to think the cutting is an important issue. Yes, it is important to get to the true cause of it, but it is also important that she teach you other ways to deal with it. Better ways.

    My friend had several bad experiences with men as a teen. As a result, and for other reasons, she declared herself lesbian. She met a woman, they fell in love, moved in together, eventually got married. She thought she was happy, but she still cut. She still attempted suicide, even while in this loving relationship.

    Earlier this year, she and "her wife", broke up. She moved out. Went to a karaoke bar one night. Had one too many drinks and ended up going home with a guy. The next day, she was kicking herself for all the time she had denied herself being with men.

    Eventually, she met a really great guy. They are now dating seriously. She has not cut since she met him. She was raised very strict catholic and she is of Latin descent, so family is extremely important. She had VERY limited support (only one of her sisters supported her. Her mom did not. Her dad did not.) and the religious upbringing when she was declared as lesbian. It conflicted her a lot inside, I think.

    Now that she is happy with her life, things have gone much smoother. She is still on her bipolar, adhd, anti-anxiety meds. Well, more accurately, she and her counselor are trying to get her meds in proper balance. And she has rough periods. But for the first time since i have known her (6 years), things seem to be truly looking up for her.

    I am not sure why she cut and I hope she never does again. She tried to explain it to me, but I just couldn't wrap my brainstem around it, because it is not something I would consider doing. I have no real frame of reference. But I suspect that cutting is an individual thing anyway and that the reasons you do it are probably different from hers.

    Yes, I think it is very important that you and a counselor get to the bottom of why you do it. But I also think it is vital that until the two of you get to the bottom of things, she teaches you other ways to deal with it.

    And yes, I know I don't know you. But I really do care. Every individual is special and unique and they all contribute to the fabric of life in their own way. Any life cut short too early is a great loss to all of us.

  19. #19

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    <hugs> ?? For all that I have, and who I have become, all I have ever really wanted in this world is to love and be loved - I have felt that feeling before.

    My depression was situational. I cried out to God, "How could you make me this way?!". The answers I got - silence, "I had to so you would understand" to simply "I'm sorry".

    In the darkest times of my life, when I felt I COULDN"T tell my friends or parents about my sexual attraction it was the power of dreams, the power of being hugged by pure love, and the spiritual voice of a loving parent saying that he already lost one son and didn't want to lose another that kept me going.

    These aren't just pretty words, there were so many times I was in pain, suffering that I felt at the time no one should have to go through.

    Divine love is the reason I am here today to write this, now - 10 years later I can see that God gave me the gift of an open mind - it was a painful gift, but a gift nonetheless - when I speak out against addiction, hatred, anger, bitterness, cruelty, self-loathing - I speak from the heart.. human beings are capable of all of those things, anyone can beat someone senseless with a big stick, but that is not true power. Our true power comes from being able to learn the wisdom to exercise discipline, patience, love and compassion.
    Last edited by elian; Sep 5, 2011 at 11:58 PM.

  20. #20

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Quote Originally Posted by falcondfw View Post
    Giventofly,
    Even if you don't care, I do. I think the rest of the people on here feel the same way.

    I am bipolar myself. I have never cut, but I have attempted suicide several times when I was a teenager and in my early 20's.

    As for your counselor, I am concerned that she doesn't seen to think the cutting is an important issue. Yes, it is important to get to the true cause of it, but it is also important that she teach you other ways to deal with it. Better ways.

    My friend had several bad experiences with men as a teen. As a result, and for other reasons, she declared herself lesbian. She met a woman, they fell in love, moved in together, eventually got married. She thought she was happy, but she still cut. She still attempted suicide, even while in this loving relationship.

    Earlier this year, she and "her wife", broke up. She moved out. Went to a karaoke bar one night. Had one too many drinks and ended up going home with a guy. The next day, she was kicking herself for all the time she had denied herself being with men.

    Eventually, she met a really great guy. They are now dating seriously. She has not cut since she met him. She was raised very strict catholic and she is of Latin descent, so family is extremely important. She had VERY limited support (only one of her sisters supported her. Her mom did not. Her dad did not.) and the religious upbringing when she was declared as lesbian. It conflicted her a lot inside, I think.

    Now that she is happy with her life, things have gone much smoother. She is still on her bipolar, adhd, anti-anxiety meds. Well, more accurately, she and her counselor are trying to get her meds in proper balance. And she has rough periods. But for the first time since i have known her (6 years), things seem to be truly looking up for her.

    I am not sure why she cut and I hope she never does again. She tried to explain it to me, but I just couldn't wrap my brainstem around it, because it is not something I would consider doing. I have no real frame of reference. But I suspect that cutting is an individual thing anyway and that the reasons you do it are probably different from hers.

    Yes, I think it is very important that you and a counselor get to the bottom of why you do it. But I also think it is vital that until the two of you get to the bottom of things, she teaches you other ways to deal with it.

    And yes, I know I don't know you. But I really do care. Every individual is special and unique and they all contribute to the fabric of life in their own way. Any life cut short too early is a great loss to all of us.
    Falcon, I am in tears right now from your post. I'm not really sure why they're coming all at once but maybe because I am fighting so much with myself, that the overwhelming part of me says "give up!" but somewhere, deep inside that dark hole of my heart, something is whispering, "keep going".

    I am very touched from your story and you friend's story. I am so glad that you have the courage to tell me that you attempted suicide and are bipolar. Like I said, empathy is everything to me... but I don't understand why people care. It seems like the overwhelming feeling in my mind is that the world would be a better place without me here complaining and bothering everyone.

    As the tears fall on my desk, I struggle to find any reason at all to believe people when they say they care.

    I go to my counselor tomorrow but I have no idea how (not to mention that I REALLY don't want to) bring this up - all of this shit that I've gotten myself into...

  21. #21

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Quote Originally Posted by elian View Post
    <hugs> ?? For all that I have, and who I have become, all I have ever really wanted in this world is to love and be loved - I have felt that feeling before.

    My depression was situational. I cried out to God, "How could you make me this way?!". The answers I got - silence, "I had to so you would understand" to simply "I'm sorry".

    In the darkest times of my life, when I felt I COULDN"T tell my friends or parents about my sexual attraction it was the power of dreams, the power of being hugged by pure love, and the spiritual voice of a loving parent saying that he already lost one son and didn't want to lose another that kept me going.

    These aren't just pretty words, there were so many times I was in pain, suffering that I felt at the time no one should have to go through.

    Divine love is the reason I am here today to write this, now - 10 years later I can see that God gave me the gift of an open mind - it was a painful gift, but a gift nonetheless - when I speak out against addiction, hatred, anger, bitterness, cruelty, self-loathing - I speak from the heart..
    Thank you, elian. Again, you have me with tears streaking my face. I cry out to God often as well - and am only met with silence. Silence as his so-called "daughter" is slicing up her arms because she doesn't give a damn...

    You're right - those aren't pretty words. They aren't pretty at all. But they are beautiful because however terrible they sound, you got through it. Divine love might be why I'm still here as well, but it doesn't seem like it will last that long.

    Your last sentence gave me chills.

  22. #22

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    None of us are perfect giventofly11, you can get through this, and with love and patience for yourself - and loving encouragement from others you will. Well, I say none of us are perfect, but that doesn't necessarily mean we are "broken" or worthless...I get tired of the disposable culture people live in. Has it gotten so bad that people think they can throw themselves away as well? You are beautiful just the way you are. <hugs>
    Last edited by elian; Sep 6, 2011 at 12:07 AM.

  23. #23

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Quote Originally Posted by giventofly11 View Post
    Falcon, I am in tears right now from your post. I'm not really sure why they're coming all at once but maybe because I am fighting so much with myself, that the overwhelming part of me says "give up!" but somewhere, deep inside that dark hole of my heart, something is whispering, "keep going".

    I am very touched from your story and you friend's story. I am so glad that you have the courage to tell me that you attempted suicide and are bipolar. Like I said, empathy is everything to me... but I don't understand why people care. It seems like the overwhelming feeling in my mind is that the world would be a better place without me here complaining and bothering everyone.

    As the tears fall on my desk, I struggle to find any reason at all to believe people when they say they care.

    I go to my counselor tomorrow but I have no idea how (not to mention that I REALLY don't want to) bring this up - all of this shit that I've gotten myself into...
    You said you don't understand why people care. I think my last two sentences give you a reason why people care. Any life cut shorter than it was supposed to be diminishes us all. It took me a very long time to learn that.

    As for telling you about the bipolar and the suicide attempts, I really don't consider them a big deal. It happened. Such is life. I am actually lucky. My bipolar and adhd have gifted me with beautiful, creative careers that I firmly believe I would not be able to do without these "issues". I am a web designer and I was a chef for a while (I still enjoy cooking). I love to come up with creative things and make people happy with them.

    Speaking of which, I need to get to bed because I start a new contract in the morning.

    But I will suggest that maybe you should look to the good of your issues. Some of the most creative people in the world had issues along the autism spectrum (it covers everything from bipolar to dyslexia, including autism and asperger's, lol. Kind of a wide range if you ask me.). Kurt Cobain - bipolar. There are other famous people who had issues along the spectrum, but they slip my mind right now. The highs and lows make for great creativity. Play to that strength.

    Good night for now. I'll check in tomorrow night.

  24. #24

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Just wanted to add my support and encouragement to the other voices here, giventofly. I know it's hard to read now and believe, but you are a beautiful, worthwhile human being who is and deserves to be loved. Including by God.

    Peace - and best wishes to you!
    Love of one's country is a beautiful thing. But why should love stop at the border?
    - Pablo Casals

  25. #25

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Quote Originally Posted by falcondfw View Post
    You said you don't understand why people care. I think my last two sentences give you a reason why people care. Any life cut shorter than it was supposed to be diminishes us all. It took me a very long time to learn that.

    As for telling you about the bipolar and the suicide attempts, I really don't consider them a big deal. It happened. Such is life. I am actually lucky. My bipolar and adhd have gifted me with beautiful, creative careers that I firmly believe I would not be able to do without these "issues". I am a web designer and I was a chef for a while (I still enjoy cooking). I love to come up with creative things and make people happy with them.

    Speaking of which, I need to get to bed because I start a new contract in the morning.

    But I will suggest that maybe you should look to the good of your issues. Some of the most creative people in the world had issues along the autism spectrum (it covers everything from bipolar to dyslexia, including autism and asperger's, lol. Kind of a wide range if you ask me.). Kurt Cobain - bipolar. There are other famous people who had issues along the spectrum, but they slip my mind right now. The highs and lows make for great creativity. Play to that strength.

    Good night for now. I'll check in tomorrow night.
    Thank you, falcon. And I have realized that people care. It's just a matter of believing it, you know? I am so happy to hear about your success despite your issues that could hold you back, but have actually allowed you to soar. That gives me hope; a lot of hope. I definitely can agree with the statement that some of the most creative people in the world had issues on the spectrum. I'm very familiar with it, as I have a cousin that was once a serious autistic child, but is now diagnosed with asperger's. I like to think that my issues have a purpose as well, and I'm starting to realize it. I have a gift of writing. I'd like to share some of the things I've written with some people on here.

    Again, thanks for caring, and checking in. You have no idea how much it means to me. And that goes for everyone that has replied to this thread - thank you, because I might not be here today typing this had I not realized that people care...

  26. #26

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    In order for your Counsellor to be of any help to you, she needs to know what and how you are feeling. Just as a doctor needs to know the relevant symptoms in order to diagnose the illness and prescribe medication.

    So you really need to be open and honest with her as to how you feel, just as you have told us here. Her role is not to judge, but to help you resolve the emotional issues you have been having.

    You are young in age, your hormones will be active, so it is quite natural that you should be thinking of sex a lot of the time and want to be in a relationship.

    Watching a lot of porn is apt to give you a distorted view of what a relationship entails, in that respect it is not really true to life. It is just meant to stimulate the imagination.

    On reading your posts here, and your profile, where you speak of taking a bullet, no one expects anyone to take a bullet to prove their devotion to a relationship. A relationship is about sharing experiences together and of bringing to that relationship the individual elements that make up you as an individual, merging those with the elements a partner brings, to the mutual enjoyment of you both.

    You say that you have few friends, but many people have few friends, that is quite normal. If you are starting University soon, that will provide an opportunity for you to make new friends, establish new relationships and discover new interests to occupy your mind.

    When your Mother sees that you are despondent and asks if you have remembered to take your medication, she is not asking in order to annoy you. She is concerned for your health and welfare. She brought you into this World to be happy and healthy, it is love for you, her daughter, that causes her concern. She and your father have no doubt spent many sleepless nights worrying about how best to help you achieve that happiness that all of us desire.

    We do not live our lives in isolation, they touch upon many other lives, whether it be parents, friends or siblings. If we did not exist their lives would be diminished.

    Remember the parable of the Good Samaritan who found the man injured and robbed by the side of the road? He did not know this man personally, but he took this man to accommodation and ensured that his wounds were taken care of at his expense. He recognised that they both shared a common humanity, a duty to love and cherish each other. He recognised that this injured man had friends and family who loved and cherished him, and had need of him in their lives. He recognised a common bond.

    At times I have felt depressed in life, just as everyone does. On these occasions I like to watch one of my favourite films, it is called, 'A Wonderful Life' and stars Jimmy Stewart. His character too is suicidal and wishes he had never been born, he is granted his wish and is given a brief insight into how his life had affected others, and how those lives, in turn, affected yet others in a ripple effect.

    He comes to realise that he is not alone in this life and is loved and cherished by those whose lives he touches.

    You didn't know anyone here before you posted your thread, yet they have responded to you in common humanity, with kindness and concern. You have touched their lives and they have touched yours. The ripple effect.

    There are professional people out there, who are willing, and able, to help you, all you need do is ask for their help and tell them of your concerns and feelings. Let them help you back on the path toward a more happy and fulfilled life.

    I hope you feel more positive about your life soon.

    God bless.

    Dark

  27. #27

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Darkside,

    That is one of the best things I've read, here, in a while. Nicely written, outstanding comments and advice!

    Is it me, or are some of the posts getting more kinder, gentler?

  28. #28

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Quote Originally Posted by falcondfw View Post
    giventofly,
    I am not sure others picked up on it, but I sure did. I am not very worried at all about the bi issues right now. I am far more worried about the cutting. You said you see a Christian Counselor. Does she specialize in cutting? self-mutilation? bipolar disorder? If not, find another counselor who does. Cutting is very serious. I have a dear friend in Florida who is a fantastic woman. Unfortunately, she does not think so. Combine no self-confidence with bipolar and a few other things and she cuts.
    Please, please, find some SERIOUS help for the cutting. It only takes one slip to make it permanent.
    Hi,

    I have not posted in a while but after reading this thread I must. I think that Falcon in on the right path. People DO care. My name on here not withstanding. I think that many people around you do care but you have to take the first step and be concerned and care about yourself first before you let them in on your sexuality. It IS confusing be you straight or bi, or gay or trans..or pink or blue or green. Tall, short, fat or thin...these are all labels for those who judge you from the outside. What is most important, in my estimation is what you think of yourself.

    Non of our lives are perfect, but each of us works hard every day to make ourselves better people. I think that if you open your heart to your brother and share with him your thoughts of his coming out and how he made it through and how he may have inspired you to accept who you are...it will bring you closer.

    Cutting is never an option and for your counselor to not be concerned about your wanting to cause harm to yourself would give me reason to find another therapist. Many helpful ones out there.

    Most importantly...you are NOT ALONE.

    Belle

  29. #29

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    giventofly,

    I hope you are doing a little better tonight. How did your counseling session go? As I said earlier, more and more people seem to be showing up hourly who care about you.

    There is one problem though. As Belle said, no one can truly love you until you first love yourself. I know, because that is another one of my failings (I have too many to list). Especially after the separation and divorce from my wife of 16 years.

    But several years later, I met someone who saw enough in me to care. She taught me how to love myself, because i was so busy trying to get her to love herself that I did not realize I was having an effect on myself too.

    Now, even though I am significantly overweight and much older than her, she has shown me that she loves me and for whatever reason, I truly believe her. She is an incredible person and just amazingly beautiful both on the inside and the outside. She could have had any guy or gal she chose. But she chose me.

    Being cared about by someone else can be an amazing medicine for what ails you. And what I am saying is i truly believe there is someone out there for everyone. It may take a while, but you will find your him or her. But you need to start to care about yourself first.

  30. #30

    Re: Confused. Lost. Help please.

    Quote Originally Posted by Darkside2009 View Post
    In order for your Counsellor to be of any help to you, she needs to know what and how you are feeling. Just as a doctor needs to know the relevant symptoms in order to diagnose the illness and prescribe medication.

    So you really need to be open and honest with her as to how you feel, just as you have told us here. Her role is not to judge, but to help you resolve the emotional issues you have been having.

    You are young in age, your hormones will be active, so it is quite natural that you should be thinking of sex a lot of the time and want to be in a relationship.

    Watching a lot of porn is apt to give you a distorted view of what a relationship entails, in that respect it is not really true to life. It is just meant to stimulate the imagination.

    On reading your posts here, and your profile, where you speak of taking a bullet, no one expects anyone to take a bullet to prove their devotion to a relationship. A relationship is about sharing experiences together and of bringing to that relationship the individual elements that make up you as an individual, merging those with the elements a partner brings, to the mutual enjoyment of you both.

    You say that you have few friends, but many people have few friends, that is quite normal. If you are starting University soon, that will provide an opportunity for you to make new friends, establish new relationships and discover new interests to occupy your mind.

    When your Mother sees that you are despondent and asks if you have remembered to take your medication, she is not asking in order to annoy you. She is concerned for your health and welfare. She brought you into this World to be happy and healthy, it is love for you, her daughter, that causes her concern. She and your father have no doubt spent many sleepless nights worrying about how best to help you achieve that happiness that all of us desire.

    We do not live our lives in isolation, they touch upon many other lives, whether it be parents, friends or siblings. If we did not exist their lives would be diminished.

    Remember the parable of the Good Samaritan who found the man injured and robbed by the side of the road? He did not know this man personally, but he took this man to accommodation and ensured that his wounds were taken care of at his expense. He recognised that they both shared a common humanity, a duty to love and cherish each other. He recognised that this injured man had friends and family who loved and cherished him, and had need of him in their lives. He recognised a common bond.

    At times I have felt depressed in life, just as everyone does. On these occasions I like to watch one of my favourite films, it is called, 'A Wonderful Life' and stars Jimmy Stewart. His character too is suicidal and wishes he had never been born, he is granted his wish and is given a brief insight into how his life had affected others, and how those lives, in turn, affected yet others in a ripple effect.

    He comes to realise that he is not alone in this life and is loved and cherished by those whose lives he touches.

    You didn't know anyone here before you posted your thread, yet they have responded to you in common humanity, with kindness and concern. You have touched their lives and they have touched yours. The ripple effect.

    There are professional people out there, who are willing, and able, to help you, all you need do is ask for their help and tell them of your concerns and feelings. Let them help you back on the path toward a more happy and fulfilled life.

    I hope you feel more positive about your life soon.

    God bless.

    Dark
    I agree with falcon - beautifully said, beautifully written. I can almost imagine you sitting across from me and saying this to me. Thank you for making me feel loved. And I do feel loved. And I'm not just saying that - like I usually do to smokescreen people! I've perfected the art of wearing the "it's okay" mask.

    I told my counselor everything. I told her basically everything I've been posting here, especially the first post which I read to her word-for-word. And all she said was "wow. You've really been struggling." And proceeded to tell me how God loves me no matter what. Bullshit. She doesn't really care... I was honest! For one of the first times in my life! And she didn't care. I even told her about my pornography struggles. She blew that off as well and was just like, "College is where you need to be." Yeah, tell me something I DON'T know.

    So basically I've lost all hope in people, except you guys[girls]. Because I left my therapy appt, after my therapist hugged me and assured me that I'd "be okay"... and cried. Cried, cried, cried. I wish there was someone to catch my tears. Then, I went and talked to my friend Kate. Which, there is a need for background info here before I get into what happened today with Kate. So here's the story:

    I fell in love with her (now boyfriend) Marcus at the end of last year/beginning of this year. He had just broken up with his girlfriend that he had the ring and everything to propose... She broke up with him over another guy and he was completely broken. I was there for him when nobody else was because Kate was still in her long-distance relationship with her boyfriend Daniel (from Ecuador, they met on a mission trip). Marcus and I would stay on the phone for hours on end, talking about everything from his life to my life. And I trusted him, and he trusted me. And he told me (I'll never forget this) that he and I would definitely have a chance of dating if we were each at a better place right now. And me, being a girl, held on to these words. Held on and hoped, dreamed, fantasized, and made it my whole life's goal to finally get with this amazing guy who I was falling madly in love with.

    He got over Stephanie and stopped talking to me, and that was right around the time that I went to the hospital for suicidal thoughts (and agreeing to meet a guy off the internet that was 35 years old, and I was going to meet him at his house, and didn't give a care in the world if I was raped because I thought I deserved it... still do..." So, I went to the hospital and when I got out, I started healing because I WANTED to heal. And then I got deserted by my two "best friends" and so I was left with Kate.

    Then, I left for the summer, after having my graduation party and being salutatorian of my high school class... yay... I left for my camp counseling job for the summer. And I was having a rough time - being in charge of 11 kids in the cabin is EXHAUSTING, not only physically but spiritually and emotionally as well. And I just wanted someone to hear me out! Yet, Kate didn't listen. And Marcus COMPLETELY ignored me. So, I was questioning it (because Kate broke up with Daniel over the summer... whole other story to that...) but shrugged it off because why would Kate do such a thing? She knew how I felt about Marcus.

    Then, I found out that they had been lying to me all along - Kate and Marcus had gotten together over the summer. And they didn't tell me, for fear of my reaction. What, was I going to cut my arm off or something?! I don't know... But then I realized what a shallow hypocrite Marcus was. I never want to date him in my life. And I realized how I cannot put my trust, my entire heart, into any relationship except the one between me and God.

    All that to be said, I told Kate what I told you guys - that I have figured out that I am bisexual. Naturally, Marcus was there too (as they can never leave each others sight) and they made me feel like SHIT. "How can you call yourself a Christian, Emily? The Bible clearly states that you will not inherit the kingdom of God. How can you be so ignorant?" And I was trying to listen! I was trying to respect them! Then Marcus left in a huff and I was left with Kate, until I had to go. I cried on the way home from that too. And realized what a failure I was.

    Until tonight. Which literally changed my life. I met a man. I met him online, but we finally got to meet in person. And he made me feel alive. I met someone tonight and he made me feel alive. And he made me feel beautiful. And he was genuine. And he was kind. He was polite. He was respectful. He was, in a word, amazing. Though words cannot communicate what I feel now: complete relief; that he, of all people(!) would care about a lowly woman like me.

 

 

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